I feel as if I hate my “new life.”

[Daisyonthelawn]

I am an older mum and I definitely thought that being a wife and mum had passed me by. I know some people would have been fine with that but to be honest I never was, I knew I wanted children and I knew that I wanted a family. In my late 30s I had a now or never approach and joined a dating site.

I met DH online, but I lived in a different city at the time. I moved in with him a couple of months before lockdown, but I still had my own place (it’s now let out.) We have a DS who is now 14 months. So life has changed, very dramatically, in the last 2 years I have got married, been pregnant, had a baby, changed cities, home, job.

I do love my DH, and I absolutely adore DS and being a mum. I feel ‘normal’ for the first time in my life. At the same time though, I am struggling.

Before I met DH my life wasn’t great. In some ways it was a bit chaotic. I tended to drift from job to job a lot, and even from place to place (possibly because there was nothing holding me to any particular place) I’d see jobs in different areas of the country and just apply there and move if I got the job, then when I didn’t like it I’d move back. I was lonely a lot - most of my friends had small children - and so if I wanted to do something ‘normal’ like go on holiday I’d have to go myself. This came at a cost and I was also permanently skint.

As I’ve said above I now feel so much more content in many ways. Having two incomes offers a much bigger security - a few months ago my car needed £600 worth of work doing and a few years ago that would have been a disaster but I barely noticed it this time. I do genuinely love DH and as for DS, I adore him. I love where we live and have made friends as well as renewing some old friendships (am more accepted as a mum I’ve noticed which is wrong but I am not arguing.) Work feels more stable than ever before. So far all is good.

But this past week or so I’ve felt so unhappy and have struggled to put a finger on it. and I think the issue is I feel really suffocated by DH. He isn’t a controlling man but he is always here. I never get a quiet minute with a book or a television show to just be and be quiet and just be.

It sounds horrible but I’m sort of longing for my old life which is stupid as my old life was horrible. But I want to get in my car and drive miles to the coast, or to a different city or something.

I don’t want to leave. I just really feel odd, as if I’m living in a bit of a fish bowl.

*Oh I posted before the thread had updated from yesterday. So I hadn't RTFT (although replied thinking I had!) in case some of that seems out of place.

The problem with the hotel suggestion is it wouldn’t be regular - maybe four times a year. It’s worth doing but it’s not a solution in itself either.

@GreenFingeredNell15 the thread isn’t pointless to me, though.

If it’s pointless to you, literally no one is making you post.

I havent read all the comments so apologies if I'm repeating what others have said... can you not just tell dh you want some time alone and go and read a book/watch tv/whatever in another room?

@Daisyonthelawn Your situation would drive me up the wall too! You know your DH/home life better than we do so I get that you can't have these imaginary conversations that people are suggesting you have with him turn into some sort of magic solution. Presumably you've already tried and he doesn't get it, so no point keep banging your head against a brick wall.

It will get better though, you are at the hardest and most intense stage of parenting and that can make you feel a bit trapped no matter how much you adore your DS.

Thanks @MargotMoon, it is helpful to know this too shall pass.

I would say - and have said on here before - that my DH is the opposite to me in terms of wanting alone time vs company, and does not intrinsically “understand” why I need solitude, preferably with everyone out of the house completely for a whole day or more! He loves company - he gets depressed spending that amount of time alone.

But he has listened to me when I’ve said exactly the thing said up thread “I need some time alone. I don’t want to go out but I would like you all to be out of the house for the day.” And he’s made it happen.

And the more it happens and you establish it as a regular routine the less it seems weird - it’s not weird anyway but you are having difficulty justifying it to yourself, it seems.

You say you “have to accept” certain things about your DH. Well, therefore, surely he needs to accept certain things about you too? If not, why not?

You know your DH/home life better than we do so I get that you can't have these imaginary conversations that people are suggesting you have with him turn into some sort of magic solution. Presumably you've already tried and he doesn't get it, so no point keep banging your head against a brick wall.

See, I don’t get this!

There’s nothing physically preventing her DH from giving the OP what she needs. (Or if there is it’s not mentioned.)

None of the imaginary conversations are at all confrontational or difficult.

Marriage is a long road, a life commitment to live with another person. You can’t just give up on trying to find a solution to living together harmoniously if it’s damaging to your mental health. Not when it only requires of the other partner some compassion and a bare minimum of effort.

I have a DH who had made me his sole focus. I have children too. DH doesn't cultivate own friendships ...I do. I'm fed up of suggesting he meets someone for a drink, goes out... so now I just make my plans and I go out. Easier as my kids are older but I think your DH just had to hold the baby, so you can find a little time to be you.

It is normal. After DC1 was born I remember sobbing because I couldn’t go to the pub every Friday afternoon anymore. We had our third child after a huge age gap and the first 3 years of her life I’d often think about what I could be doing if I didn’t have her. It passes. I wouldn’t be without either of them. (DS2 came when I was full in parenting mode and brought no existential angst)

I totally get you OP. I love my own space and there's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes you just want to be, to flop about on the sofa or in bed by yourself!!

My fella came to stay with me for two weeks once...... seven weeks later he was still there and my brain nearly exploded and I had to ask him to go, I just needed time to myself again.

Is there any way you could have a chat with your DH and just explain to him how you feel? I reckon if you knew that a few times a week you could have some time to yourself it would make things easier. And no of course you don't want to be going out to achieve that, there's nothing wrong with wanting time alone in your own home. Because it is your home. It may be his house but its your home!!

You just have to tell your DH that - there’s nothing wrong or unusual in wanting time alone.

From how you describe your life before, I think you haven’t built up the skills of telling people what you want, and/or negotiation, because when you are unhappy you just used to move on.

It’s important you learn to advocate for yourself, because your comment that you couldn’t get DH to do enough with the baby is a concern. You need to do equal amounts of life chores and parenting, adjusted for working hours, or you really are going to feel like a drudge.

Get into the habit of saying it as you go - I’m going to go upstairs and read, see you in a couple hours / I’m going to go for a walk to get some air, just feeling a bit tired / I’m going to go have a cup of tea in the garden for 45 mins, work was full on today - would you start dinner while I do that?. Work on getting alone time every other day to stay. You aren’t asking him, you’re telling him - you can dig out the old tropes of working mum / no time off so he doesn’t feel offended, and make sure he feels loved and wanted when you are together.

You should both get some time off over the weekend, so say something like - I think it would be good for both of us to get some time out from baby/work/blah - I’d like a couple hours on Sat afternoon to get a coffee and mooch round the shops- so would Sunday morning suit you? Or we could swap each weekend. Again, you are negotiating the details, but the fact it’s happening is non-negociable.

Bizarrely, he has actually taken ds out so I actually have some peace. I doubt it will be for long, but it’s nice while it lasts.

As a general rule though, there just isn’t an easy magical solution here, he won’t understand what I’m saying, in the same way if someone tried to explain quantum physics or the finer points of economics to me.

@TupilaLilium that was definitely the hardest part of the adapting to a baby for me. Just the complete lack of time to just be. Then you adjust to the baby stage and the toddler stage throws up yet more challenges. I know that he won’t always be this needy and full on, I just wish I could say the same for DH!

I know you don’t want to hear it OP, but your DH IS a big part of the issue.

What is there to understand in “babe, can you take DS out this afternoon?” Or take it a step further if you them out of the house for longer, and get them tickets to a local zoo or another parent child activity.

Trust me, I know when you coming from - I LOVE my alone time of doing fuck all, without another people’s presence. And I’ve been raised by a single mum, so I had to get used to living with a man to start with.

But I’ve learnt from “the best” (I was an au pair for a family of 6 when I was 19). My “host mum” had 4 kids and was a master of time & house management. She sometimes would come across as abrupt, but after living with them for a few months, I’ve realised that was the only way for her not to go crazy being SAHM of 4.

There was no time to faff, she organised everything well ahead to make sure she gets about 2 hrs a day to herself and could do her tango class every Sunday night.

We would sit down at the begging of the week and discuss who’s doing what & when, and her “me” time was simply just another thing in the diary.
None of this would be possible without her DH (&myself) being on board.

The example above is an extreme one, but that’s when I’ve learned that “you don’t ask you don’t get” , especially when communicating your needs to your partner.

If, despite you clearly expressing your needs, he’s still “playing dumb”, faffing around for hours, walking into the bathroom whilst you in a shower etc then it’s a DH problem indeed.

I don’t think it’s about your new life, but your partner being oblivious to your needs.

I know you’re against counselling, but it’s either that or you will most likely have to endure it until your DS is much older.

he won’t understand what I’m saying, in the same way if someone tried to explain quantum physics or the finer points of economics to me.

But he doesn’t need to understand.

I don’t understand quantum physics or the finer points of macro economics but I can act on the effects of them. It doesn’t matter why my mortgage has gone up, it only matter what I do to counter the effect - look for a new deal etc.

He doesn’t need to understand. He only needs to act on the information.

I don’t know why you’re so resigned to hating the effects on your life of him ‘not understanding’? Do you particularly avoid conflict? (You’re a teacher so I assume you have pretty good behaviour management skills!)

You are trying to solve an issue on your own. You know that it won't work because any solution requires you to be very honest and open AND for you & your husband to collaborate.

Sorry, but without spelling it all out and insisting you need small but important changes you'll struggle on, uncomfortable and unhappy.

Maybe he won't understand your motivation but he absolutely should respond to your direct and clear requests.

Part of the problem seems to be you've adapted to his home and he hasn't had to make changes himself.

Don't keep burying it - get it out in the open.

It’s not that I don’t want to hear it - of course he is a big part of the issue - but you do get to a point where you realise that it won’t change.

If I sat down (MN love a sit down) and said to him ‘you are always here and sometimes you do my fucking head in, I want you out for a minimum of three hours every weekend’ that might technically be honest but if my spouse said that to me, it would certainly change the relationship.

What tends to happen is that most relationships have people sensing that the other would benefit from some peace and quiet so naturally give it to them, but when you’re at the point that you have to be that blunt, you’re either risking your marriage (and I’m not exaggerating, I would feel really funny about staying here if DH said that to me) or you’re so desperate you don’t care about the marriage.

If we didn’t have DS, I don’t know, tbh. I love DH, but I can live without him and I didn’t actually sign up to this level of smothering.

However, we do have ds, and I do want another child, and so the package is worth staying for. And as I’ve said above, I do love DH and I don’t want him to feel completely shit, and I would, if someone said that to me.

Anyway, the thread is turning a bit unhelpful again, tbh, and before I’m accused of anything, I’m not cross or angry or raging or anything like that, I’m just saying I don’t find these endless circular ‘talk to him - he doesn’t get it - talk to him - he doesn’t get it’ remotely helpful or supportive, even though I’m sure that is the intention.

I don’t have kids, but as an introvert do need downtime. Peace and quiet away from my DH &TV to recharge. He plays golf on Saturday so that gives me 4-5 hrs but my saviour is my wooden Summerhouse in the garden . It doesn’t have power, but from Spring to Autumn is peaceful and quiet .. to just ‘be’. It’s a walk down the garden but really is my recharge sanctuary. Could you look at something like that ?

It's not about whether your DH understands or not.

It's about him listening and supporting and loving you as his wife and doing his share of sole parenting.

"DH I need some time in peace & quiet to cope. I need you to take out DS every weekend, say Saturday 10-12"

Him going "ok I here you" and then doing it.

It's a fundamental part of a successful relationship giving each other a beak AND responding to their needs.

OP you seem very determined to squash down any suggestion that your problem is that your husband is ignoring your needs, and that the solution is for him to do something differently.

That's the problem and that's the solution. Everyone can pay you on the head snd say you're not being unreasonable, the toddler stage is hard, adjusting to marriage and a child is hard. No one on this thread disagrees at all that you're entitled to time out. The only person who doesn't think so, is the person preventing you having it. Your husband.

If I sat down (MN love a sit down) and said to him ‘you are always here and sometimes you do my fucking head in, I want you out for a minimum of three hours every weekend’ that might technically be honest but if my spouse said that to me, it would certainly change the relationship.

You don’t need to tell him he’s fucking doing your head in.

But I don’t know what’s wrong with asking for time to yourself, calmly and assertively.

You want it, so it’s weird to say you’d be offended if your spouse asked it if you. Because you understand!

What tends to happen is that most relationships have people sensing that the other would benefit from some peace and quiet so naturally give it to them

This thread is full of people telling you the opposite. Why do you think in relationships where people get this it’s because their partners just ‘sensed’ it?

but when you’re at the point that you have to be that blunt, you’re either risking your marriage (and I’m not exaggerating, I would feel really funny about staying here if DH said that to me) or you’re so desperate you don’t care about the marriage.

This is just not true.

Yes - if you're at the point where 'I need some alone time' isn't getting the message across to someone and you have to say 'YOU ARE DRIVING ME INSANE', it's tough. I'm guessing he isn't being deliberately obtuse, so I'm also guessing it would hurt his feelings if you were so explicit about what's going on.

I do think you're at an especially difficult time with your DS, as well, in that they're kind of independently mobile at this age but they still want you as their secure base, so they're simultaneously trying to stay within a few feet of you while also throwing themselves off everything in sight. It's utterly exhausting. My DD is three and still insists on touching me if she's sitting near me (she's leaning on my arm right now - sometimes it'll just be a foot touching my knee or something ).

Can you get some space for yourself during one of your DC-free days in your holiday? It will probably have to involve going out if your DH is WFH, but the whole not having to interact aspect is still quite restorative.

@Daisyonthelawn

Anyway, the thread is turning a bit unhelpful again, tbh, and before I’m accused of anything, I’m not cross or angry or raging or anything like that, I’m just saying I don’t find these endless circular ‘talk to him - he doesn’t get it - talk to him - he doesn’t get it’ remotely helpful or supportive, even though I’m sure that is the intention.

But the only other solution to your feelings is to swallow them.

And swallowing them makes you miserable.

It might not be your husband who’s the problem because it might be a communication issue, and your own fear of conflict? I dunno!

That’s great news he’s done it today! I know it will feel like a drop in the ocean for you but it’s a step in the right direction. I think luredbyapomegranate’s advice above was good about taking yourself off little and often. It might not scratch the itch for you (if you’re anything like me little bits of alone time almost made it worse as I’d crave more!) but it’s building his confidence and gives you a chance to say ‘thank you, I so needed that!’ to him.
I'm separated and coparenting now which is working really well and I get lots of time to myself (he has kids 3 nights a week). I know you are sick of hearing it but please, please don’t repress your own needs to this extent long term. For one thing, your marriage will not, cannot withstand it. Although I have to say being a single parent is not so bad either.
Oh and I’m a teacher too so think that your need for alone time will be particularly intense.

I remember those days so well OP, I used to fantasise that I was in solitary confinement in prison with just a pile of books. I wanted desperately to have some forced aloneness, some time to get bored, time to miss people, time to just do nothing.

It's years later, but I still love coming home to an empty house, even if it's just for a few hours, I might have a glass of wine, flop on the couch and sing to myself for a while, love it.

I'm aware I sound slightly strange.