I feel as if I hate my “new life.”

[Daisyonthelawn]

I am an older mum and I definitely thought that being a wife and mum had passed me by. I know some people would have been fine with that but to be honest I never was, I knew I wanted children and I knew that I wanted a family. In my late 30s I had a now or never approach and joined a dating site.

I met DH online, but I lived in a different city at the time. I moved in with him a couple of months before lockdown, but I still had my own place (it’s now let out.) We have a DS who is now 14 months. So life has changed, very dramatically, in the last 2 years I have got married, been pregnant, had a baby, changed cities, home, job.

I do love my DH, and I absolutely adore DS and being a mum. I feel ‘normal’ for the first time in my life. At the same time though, I am struggling.

Before I met DH my life wasn’t great. In some ways it was a bit chaotic. I tended to drift from job to job a lot, and even from place to place (possibly because there was nothing holding me to any particular place) I’d see jobs in different areas of the country and just apply there and move if I got the job, then when I didn’t like it I’d move back. I was lonely a lot - most of my friends had small children - and so if I wanted to do something ‘normal’ like go on holiday I’d have to go myself. This came at a cost and I was also permanently skint.

As I’ve said above I now feel so much more content in many ways. Having two incomes offers a much bigger security - a few months ago my car needed £600 worth of work doing and a few years ago that would have been a disaster but I barely noticed it this time. I do genuinely love DH and as for DS, I adore him. I love where we live and have made friends as well as renewing some old friendships (am more accepted as a mum I’ve noticed which is wrong but I am not arguing.) Work feels more stable than ever before. So far all is good.

But this past week or so I’ve felt so unhappy and have struggled to put a finger on it. and I think the issue is I feel really suffocated by DH. He isn’t a controlling man but he is always here. I never get a quiet minute with a book or a television show to just be and be quiet and just be.

It sounds horrible but I’m sort of longing for my old life which is stupid as my old life was horrible. But I want to get in my car and drive miles to the coast, or to a different city or something.

I don’t want to leave. I just really feel odd, as if I’m living in a bit of a fish bowl.

@spacehardware like I say, comments like that just aren’t helpful or supportive. I don’t think I’m determined so much as recognising now things are. I know some people think if I have the magic conversation and phrase things just like that, things will change. They won’t. That’s not being determined, it is like saying ‘you’re determined to think it takes three hours to get from London from Manchester’ - it just is. Yes, if you set off at a certain time of the day and had all the petrol in your car and all the rest of it you might knock ten minutes off your journey but the gist would still be true.

Anyway. We’ll probably all argue about how long it takes to get from London from Manchester, now.

@RandomMess do me a favour, don’t pull faces at me. If you don’t like the sort of support I need, don’t offer it. Simples.

@napody I definitely relate to that. Sometimes when you get say twenty minutes and then you’ve just started to relax and then they return, arghh.

I think OP youre projecting a lot of "if I say x he will feel/say/do y" onto your husband because this relationship isn't all that secure. Or you're not that secure in it. I get that feeling, a lot has happened to you in a short space of time. I felt a bit like this when me and my husband first started living together (started online, 4 years long distance, both married before, lots of baggage).

It's actually better to assume he is all in on this marriage, and not some delicate flower that can't be communicated with directly. Treading on eggshells around him isn't going to help.

X posted

The only person who isn't helpful or supportive is your husband. Whether that's because you won't give him the chance to be, or he's a selfish arse, none of us know.

Well, maybe but I still think being effectively ordered out of the house for a period of time every week would piss a lot of people off and like I say, it would alter my feelings if it was done to me. And then (and inevitably this would happen) he misses a week because he’s ill, stressed, tired, just doesn’t feel like it, what then? Chase him and demand he goes anyway because henceforth, you CF of a husband, you formally agreed that …

It doesn’t work like that, if someone doesn’t want to leave the house, they won’t.

I’m finding it quite amusing that people insist that DH will understand if I just talk to him, but there are a vocal minority on this thread who don’t understand, even though I’m talking to them.

What support would help you, OP?

You don’t want anyone suggesting you communicate better with your DH to get time alone at home (because he won’t understand, he’s absolutely 100% incapable of it), you don’t want alone time outside the home, so you want suggestions on how to come to terms with this life that’s y changeable - is that it?

Or no suggestions at all?

If I sat down (MN love a sit down) and said to him ‘you are always here and sometimes you do my fucking head in, I want you out for a minimum of three hours every weekend’ that might technically be honest but if my spouse said that to me, it would certainly change the relationship.

Wrong @Daisyonthelawn

You purposely change what PP tell you to fit your narrative. Nobody told you to tell your DH that “he’s doing your fucking head in”. You can’t sit down with your spouse and say something like that, of course not!

But if you TRY to rephrase and simplify it by saying “my darling husband, I’d like you to take our DS out for a bit as I’d like some peace & quiet. Thanks, love you! “

Do it for your own sake @Daisyonthelawn , especially if you’re planning on bring more children into this relationship.

I’ve answered that @NoSquirrels, very clearly.

@Daisyonthelawn

Well, maybe but I still think being effectively ordered out of the house for a period of time every week would piss a lot of people off and like I say, it would alter my feelings if it was done to me. And then (and inevitably this would happen) he misses a week because he’s ill, stressed, tired, just doesn’t feel like it, what then? Chase him and demand he goes anyway because henceforth, you CF of a husband, you formally agreed that …

It doesn’t work like that, if someone doesn’t want to leave the house, they won’t.

That’s quite catastrophic thinking, OP!

If he misses a week, when he’s regularly been giving you what you asked for, you’d be fine with it. Because you love him, you’re feeling happy and listened to in your relationship and he mostly respects your needs. The regular time alone has meant there’s balance and you’re not resentful. So you’re inclined to think positively and be kind that he’s stressed/ill/whatever.

@Daisyonthelawn

I’ve answered that *@NoSquirrels*, very clearly.

I’ve missed it then, apologies. You want support not advice, yes?

No offence @Daisyonthelawn but if you think you’re expressing yourself clearly you’re wrong. Over 180 replies on this thread and you still adamant none knows what you mean.

I think all couples need time alone, where one fucks off with the kid, all day.
Would be great if he actually understood that what you want is for him to WANT to get out of the house himself with his kid and be pro active about it, and enjoy doing it. So, telling you on a Fri evening right we're off out for the day tomorrow, you'll have the house to yourself until the evening. But because he doesn't want to, or need to, you're forced into not having alone time and its suffocating.
I'd be the same, love my own space and not just an hour or 2 either.
I'd have a frank chat, and tell him you need to explain until he gets it.

If you are saying that your husband will absolutely refuse to accommodate your needs and feelings if you communicated them to him directly then you are in an abusive relationship

If you insist it is absolutely not the case that you are in an abusive relationship, then it must be the case that your husband will be willing to accommodate you.

So you have a communication problem. Which you need to fix.

Or, this rapid cohabitation/ marriage / child was a mistake.

It's got to be one of those things. Only you know which.

Whichever is the case you'd be mad to have another baby without resolving it.

@Mummytobe93 - I have.

He. Doesn’t. Get. It.

He doesn’t understand at all, and so all you can do after a certain point is be so blunt as to be downright nasty (even then I think the effect would be temporary) or you just sort of say to yourself that … it’s not perfect but I do have this, and this, and this.

The other thing of course is that when you are CONSTANTLY on at someone it lessens its effect. I did actually have to speak to DH very seriously a few weeks ago and it shit him up precisely because I never do.

Life has changed for many people, and I have definitely had to adapt to having someone else permanently in my space all the time. Like I say I am on holiday next week and I still won’t be able to totally veg out even on the days ds is in nursery because someone is here. (And the days ds is not in nursery are also more stressful as a result of this.)

But as I’ve said, what’s the alternative? I could leave, and in lower moments I’ve thought about it idly but the real loser in that would be DS and I’m not prepared to do that to him.

Except @Mummytobe93 some have got it, but there are a group of posters who keep coming back to this thread and divebombing on it like a pack of seagulls after chips ordering me to talk to him. I’ve tried to politely say I’m not finding it helpful but you just won’t stop, and I am at the point of hiding the thread, then someone helpful DOES come on and I want to read their reply …

Thanks @VeganCow but it’s unlikely to happen. He’s permanently here during the week and then I’ve been finding weekends surprisingly difficult lately.

I get it OP, very much. I don't think what you want is at all weird. Having the house to oneself is bliss for most people. I have a friend who, when her then boyfriend unexpectedly had to be away for a weekend, cancelled every last one of her social commitments that weekend to just enjoy being by herself instead.

I came to coupled-up life late after many years of being default-single with all the freedom that entails, and as much as I love DP, even that was a shock to the system in some ways. But he gets it and needs space too - so we both get alone time even when the other person is in the same house.

This is also a big reason that parenthood never appealed tbh.

WFH works for me precisely because it gives me acres of alone time while working rather than being in an office! It also worked even when DP was WFH in lockdown because we both understood what the other person needed.

Anyway. Your ideal is an empty house to potter around in but you're not going to get it because DP is always there. So you need to start thinking about what you CAN get. First, you need your own space to retreat to. Your woman-cave. I don't know what the layout of your house is like or how much room you have but you must be able to ringfence a room for a certain amount of time.

DP's happy place is the kitchen, so when we were living in a tiny flat and needed to be alone (but neither of us wanted to actually go out... in the British climate this is understandable), he would sometimes go to the kitchen and shut the door and I would go to the bedroom at the opposite end of the house to listen to music. Now I have my own study with a door that shuts and it's brilliant.

Next, ringfence time. A set hour or two hours or whatever where you take yourself off to your space and get to be alone. Treat it as though you were in an important work meeting: Mummy is busy, do not disturb. Hold the line. Make a sign if you need to. If your husband can't do anything in a timely manner, then you get to set the pace and time here.

You don't actually need to give reasons or explanations but it could help if you tell them you're doing something specific. "I'm going to watch this film now, I want to immerse myself in it and not be disturbed - it lasts X hours." "I'm going to read X chapters of my book and I don't want to be disturbed." "I'm going to listen to my favourite album and dance around."

I also like the fake-meditation with whisky idea, kudos to that poster.

So basically you have to learn to live and raise kids with someone incompatible and unable to listen to you.

Thanks. I unfortunately know if I took myself off to do meditation I’d have both of them barging in and out all the time! I’m hoping that as the evenings get lighter I might be able to persuade DH to venture out occasionally and DS should start sleeping better at some point.

Now everything is opening up is a good time to get ds and dh onto the waiting list for a weekend activity like swimming class that they do every week leaving you at home alone.

Also, I’ve tried to read the full thread but can’t see has he always worked from home and always will? Because none of this would be an issue if he went to the office, even a day or two a week. In your school holidays then you’d get a guaranteed duvet day.

Could he take Babe swimming on the Weekend maybe? Or just to the park /lunch for a few hours .Everyone needs time on their own,nothing to feel anxious about.Otherwise just take a drive to a nearby beauty spot. Bring some coffee /sandwiches .I get what you mean about not wanting to be committed to Yoga ,running or whatever .

I get this, I am never alone, WFH, kids come home from school as I finish work, DH WFH it is hard. I love them all but want to sit in silence alone just for a bit!

Kids are a bit bigger so DH and I share runs places so there is the odd 15 minutes of an evening, my temporary solution and it is not ideal but it does help, it to have one night that I am off duty, DH cooks, does runs and gets kid to bed and I hide for hours in a bath and they know not to disturb me, that couple of hours of nothing helps. Obviously thats not an option if you only have one bathroom but it is so important to just find a bit of time and quiet for you if you aren't going to get your DH out the house

I think it’s best that I don’t engage @Mummytobe93, you don’t get it and that’s fine, but what isn’t fine is stopping me accessing support on the thread by being like a wasp slamming against a window.

@museumum he does go swimming but it’s me who takes him.

If I asked DH, would he take him … probably but I doubt he would want to as a regular activity, so it would end up being cancelled and I do think swimming is important.

He won’t go back to the office.

@HGC2 I do need to try to find ways to do that. The layout of the house isn’t conducive as it’s a bungalow so all on one level (obviously) it’s reasonably spacious but even so, you always know and can always hear the other occupants of the house, pretty much.

The silence right now is delicious

@Robin843

My husband thinks I do yoga in the bedroom most evenings. I say "right I'm off to do some yoga and meditation for an hour" shut myself in the bedroom and read or surf the web, watch telly, whatever. Works for me! I don't suppose there are many women who drink whisky and ginger while meditating, but I do 😄

This is a great idea! Definitely do this op🙂.

Are you an introvert? If you need quiet time to recharge, why not talk to your DH. Don’t throw it all away on a whim. You take yourself everywhere you go. I think you need to make peace with yourself