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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband messaged girl at work

179 replies

Wtfidiot · 02/04/2022 08:15

Checked husbands phone and he has saved a girls number with hearts said “I haven’t stopped thinking about you” asked when she wants to go out for a meal.

Also wrote “morning gorgeous”

He isn’t sorry he’s very defensive saying I am sneaky because I went through his phone (true) but I am bloody glad I did. He even called me a bitch because I did it behind his back.

I’m disgusted. We have been having problems but I said multiple times if you don’t want this let me know.

OP posts:
Ohdofuckofdear · 02/04/2022 12:02

Tell him you've screen shot everything OP,let him believe that everyone else will be shown and told about what he's done,it might just be the push he needs to leave the house and start getting your Ducks in a row before he has the chance to screw you over financially as well!

Threatening to show and tell other people about what my then husband(long since ex husband thank God)did was the only way I got him out of the house.

Good Luck Flowers

CoffeeAlwaysTired · 02/04/2022 12:03

@girlmom21

What does he claim it's like if it's not 'like that'?!
What he means is he wants a stable home to go back to and secretly have his fun elsewhere
GiantHaystacks2021 · 02/04/2022 12:07

It's over.
Don't bother ringing her.

WonderfulYou · 02/04/2022 12:08

Why are people defending the OW and assuming she doesn't know that he is married?

No ones defending her but it’s just irrelevant.
Does it matter if she knows or not?
Would that make what he did more or less acceptable?
Should OP stay with him if the OW knew about the marriage or if she had no idea?

I think OP needs to focus on herself right now and how she’s going to sort out the massive issue of him refusing to leave.

alwaysontheloo · 02/04/2022 12:10

[quote NSA2103]@FuckThatBullshit - men experience this as well.
@MrMrsJones - well said![/quote]
I wondered how long it would be before the NAMALT "What about the poor men" shit started. Page one apparently.

LoisLane66 · 02/04/2022 12:15

@ Ambition9to5, youvegottenminuteslynn,
Yellownightmare
I don't support people who ask for advice but take no action, not even going with their own gut feeling. It's a waste of time.
We each have levels of empathy but mine are much lower for people who make little or no effort to better their position in whatever unhappy circumstances they find themselves, even when the opportunity arises or help is offered.
Some individuals pose the same questions more than once over a number of months or possibly years (as others here have remarked upon) and their situation is still the same. I find that a little odd.
We're all allowed our own opinion and mine is a harder line than the sister act played out on here but I'm happy with my life and feel no need to change my stance on anything.
How anyone views me is unimportant and doesn't affect my self worth...which many women struggle with.

Allergictoironing · 02/04/2022 12:22

[quote ImJustMadAboutSaffron]@allergictoironing I hope you were the straw that broke the camel's back and the wife finally got some bottle and chucked the tosser out.[/quote]
Never saw or spoke to him again, and blocked his number, so don't know. I had just left that job for a different organisation.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/04/2022 12:24

Yes @LoisLane66 you often mention how happy you are and how high your self esteem is.

I'm sure telling yourself that makes you feel better about how you speak to women who are often vulnerable and sometimes even being abused.

Happy, content, well adjusted people don't behave how you do - criticising strangers who are abuse victims on an online forum.

It's a bizarre and very sad thing to do.

Enjoy your day.

iRun2eatCake · 02/04/2022 12:32

@Wtfidiot

Asked him to leave the house but he said he won’t
He doesn't have too just like you don't.

However that doesn't mean you can't live separate lives. No laundry, cooking etc for him.

Start childcare arrangements now. Start getting paperwork ready. Contact UC for benefits.

I felt so empowered when l found out about my XH affair thanks to the support on here. He didn't know what hit him... he thought I'd be a pushover with the divorce...... silly silly deluded fool

Ambition9to5 · 02/04/2022 12:32

@LoisLane66

@ Ambition9to5, youvegottenminuteslynn, Yellownightmare I don't support people who ask for advice but take no action, not even going with their own gut feeling. It's a waste of time. We each have levels of empathy but mine are much lower for people who make little or no effort to better their position in whatever unhappy circumstances they find themselves, even when the opportunity arises or help is offered. Some individuals pose the same questions more than once over a number of months or possibly years (as others here have remarked upon) and their situation is still the same. I find that a little odd. We're all allowed our own opinion and mine is a harder line than the sister act played out on here but I'm happy with my life and feel no need to change my stance on anything. How anyone views me is unimportant and doesn't affect my self worth...which many women struggle with.
Your ''harder line'' is not based in any realistic timescale.

The sister act is not an act. It's support from people who understand that their is a healing process to go through. Lots of us have been through it. I left with a rucksack and was attacked as I left, no wonder i hesitated to leave. No wonder I didn't just walk out the door the moment I read the responses on the thread I posted.

But they did chip away at my thinking in a way that served me in the end.

Emotionally intelligent people will happily give their advice and support without expecting to be informed of the outcome.

I do not expect to be made aware of the outcome.

I just hope that I can make somebody feel a little bit more empowered in the moment.

You're doing the opposite with your ''hard line''. Shaming women for not acting on your timeline. Shaming other women for their unconditional support and labelling it an act!!

I don't think happy secure emotionally healthy women are keen to get behind their hard line, mocking other women's more supportive ''sister act''

Greensandon · 02/04/2022 12:56
Flowers
RoundGlass · 02/04/2022 12:58

Sorry you are having to deal with this horrible man OP. Please find a way to get rid of him asap

Stuckinmyhead9 · 02/04/2022 12:59

How does he talk to people usually? I know a married man who texts me like this but he genuinely is being friendly, talks to lots of people and the same way and never follows through with anything Hmm

hydrate3546 · 02/04/2022 13:03

"He even called me a bitch because I did it behind his back."

The irony is strong with this one.

Stuckinmyhead9 · 02/04/2022 13:04

Not excusing his behaviour by the way, he sounds like a right knob.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/04/2022 13:15

@Stuckinmyhead9

How does he talk to people usually? I know a married man who texts me like this but he genuinely is being friendly, talks to lots of people and the same way and never follows through with anything Hmm
Checked husbands phone and he has saved a girls number with hearts said “I haven’t stopped thinking about you” asked when she wants to go out for a meal.

This isn't 'genuinely friendly' though, it's literally telling her he can't stop thinking about her and asking her out on a date!

Original poster
Wtfidiot · 02/04/2022 13:55

He’s got a group of work friends half a female, I would say it’s verging on flirty with those messages but reads completely differently to this. Also have no idea who this person is but I know the other ones and they sometimes meet up together for play dates etc. it’s 100% going towards a romantic vibe. I left with the kids for the afternoon, he said “I haven’t slept with her or anything” before we left. Basically was justifying saying I haven’t been giving attention (I haven’t) but that’s because either I’m knakkard or he’s been a dick!

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 02/04/2022 14:06

Yeah he has moved on to blaming you. Start figuring out how to break up.

Lu901 · 02/04/2022 14:06

He's entitled that's the problem. It wouldn't matter if you gave him all the attention in the world. Was a super model guys like this feel they have a right to behave like this. He won't stop but will get more secretive with it now. And if not this women it will be another down the line.

He will throw it at you everytime and doubt he will change as there is absolutely no remorse or empathy coming from him by what you're saying in your messages.

So sorry you're in this situation.

Moonshine160 · 02/04/2022 14:13

Good Lord! What a gaslighting arse! Get rid of him.

Hawkins001 · 02/04/2022 14:15

@Wtfidiot

Checked husbands phone and he has saved a girls number with hearts said “I haven’t stopped thinking about you” asked when she wants to go out for a meal.

Also wrote “morning gorgeous”

He isn’t sorry he’s very defensive saying I am sneaky because I went through his phone (true) but I am bloody glad I did. He even called me a bitch because I did it behind his back.

I’m disgusted. We have been having problems but I said multiple times if you don’t want this let me know.

All the best op, these days tis a mix of people's perspectives vs, their official cover in a relationship
Lu901 · 02/04/2022 14:21

Agree with Moonshine.

I think in situations like this if the guy is honest and holds his hands up and is sorry was a one off, maybe just maybe with work it could work. Think that's very rare though and don't think that' the case here..

Going without intimacy can be hard but you work on that as a couple not source it outside the relationship and then call your partner a bitch when discovering it.

Now this has happened the chances of you both having what he feels is good intimacy is even less likely if that even is the reason but chances are he is the type of man who is selfish and will risk it all just for an ego boost and to get his leg over.

lovescats3 · 02/04/2022 14:22

Don't call her call a solicitor and take photos of all of their messages

HangingRock25 · 02/04/2022 14:24

@lovescats3

Don't call her call a solicitor and take photos of all of their messages
I disagree strongly. She should call a solicitor, but she also should call - or at least text - the ow. It's the decent thing to do. Most of us women would want to be told if we were wasting our time with a married man.
Blossomtoes · 02/04/2022 14:37

@Wtfidiot

I would just want to know how he got her number and how long it’s been going on and if she knows about the kids really. He’s home every night there’s only one in recent memory he could have met up with her.
What difference would it make? You know all you need to. He’s a lying shit who’s planning to cheat on you if he hasn’t already. How long and whether he knows he’s got a family are completely irrelevant.