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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband messaged girl at work

179 replies

Wtfidiot · 02/04/2022 08:15

Checked husbands phone and he has saved a girls number with hearts said “I haven’t stopped thinking about you” asked when she wants to go out for a meal.

Also wrote “morning gorgeous”

He isn’t sorry he’s very defensive saying I am sneaky because I went through his phone (true) but I am bloody glad I did. He even called me a bitch because I did it behind his back.

I’m disgusted. We have been having problems but I said multiple times if you don’t want this let me know.

OP posts:
maeveiscurious · 02/04/2022 08:54

It could be just banter for her, this "relationship" could all be in his head. I can assure you it will be over for him if she is called

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 02/04/2022 08:54

I'm sorry this is happening to you OP.

He has shown you who he is, so now you need to take charge and remove him from your life.

DarkDarkNight · 02/04/2022 08:56

Had she sent any messages back. Anything at all to show she is interested? He’s maybe just a creep trying his luck.

I wouldn’t message her. Save your dignity. Your issue is with him and whether you are prepared to put up with him.

Original poster
Wtfidiot · 02/04/2022 08:57

Yes she seems interested she’s sent lots back but they didn’t meet on the day he wanted can’t remember if she just didn’t reply or said she was busy.

OP posts:
airrrrAIRRRRiELLLL · 02/04/2022 08:57

Dh, let's separate. I'm leaving, I'll have the dc every other weekend. Hope that fits in with your plans.

Original poster
Wtfidiot · 02/04/2022 08:57

She looks ten years younger IMO but can’t see her face in the photo

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 02/04/2022 08:58

Don’t call her. Save your dignity and kick him out.

LumpyandBumps · 02/04/2022 08:59

I agree that he is totally wrong.

Did something happen to prompt you to check his phone?

M0RVEN · 02/04/2022 09:00

@Wtfidiot

If you are married how can you get a random girls number. I saved the number should I call her?
No don’t call her, she’s not your problem. He is.
Weatherwax13 · 02/04/2022 09:04

If he likes her so much I'd let her have him.
He's not worthy of you OP.

cooldarkroom · 02/04/2022 09:04

You could message
Hello, I am H's wife,
Just thought to tell you, you are welcome, & to say he is a lying, cheating gas lighter, with 3 young DC (ages)
So well done both of you, for ruining 4 peoples lives.

Campervangirl · 02/04/2022 09:09

Turf the twat out!
Easier said than done but he needs a wake up call that you don't cheat on you dw and then blame her for it.
I'd definitely send a text "hi, this is Mrs x, could you text me your address so that I can have my soon to be exh belongings dropped off at yours"
Id go absolutely nuclear I'd oh did this to me, he'd be trying to pick up his teeth with his two broken arms!
Stay strong op ❤️

Lou98 · 02/04/2022 09:09

Definitely don't call her - your issue is with your Husband, not her. She may not even know he's married, or he may have said he's separated etc. or maybe she does know and doesn't care but either way, it's not her fault your Husband is a dick.

The fact he's not even tried to apologise or explain shows how much he really just doesn't care and doesn't think he's done anything wrong. Even if he's not physically done anything with her it is definitely "like that" and he's trying to make it happen by asking her to meet.

You obviously had a gut feeling to make you go through his phone in the first place. It's not normally something I'd agree with but it's clear here that if you had spoken to him instead he would just have denied it then got rid of the evidence.

Leave him, you deserve better

Original poster
Wtfidiot · 02/04/2022 09:10

Yes I had a suspicion because he said he wanted to work on things with me but no action. Seemed distracted. Not said he loves me in ages.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wtfidiot · 02/04/2022 09:10

Yes it’s the acting as if it’s fine for me. Yuck.

OP posts:
layladomino · 02/04/2022 09:10

I agree you shouldn't call her. What would you gain? You already know he's cheating. You know he's arranging dates and sending flirty texts. You know he's lying to you. You know he's an arse who then tries to blame it on you.

It isn't her fault. She hasn't betrayed you or lied to you. She might not even know he's married. But even if she does, what difference will calling make? Even if it succeeds in 'warning her off' - you're still left with a lying, cheating dick of a husband.

stripeyflowers · 02/04/2022 09:12

@Wtfidiot

She looks ten years younger IMO but can’t see her face in the photo
Another sad, pathetic cliche of a man.
Honeyroar · 02/04/2022 09:13

I was on the verge of seeing someone from work. I got a phone call from his wife. We had a pretty mature, honest chat, albeit upsetting for her no doubt. I helped her gather ammunition. Not all women believe “my wife is crazy” lines.

balalake · 02/04/2022 09:14

Do you want to leave him now. If you do, then make plans. If for any reason you don't want to, I'd be tempted to contact her, as it is possible that he has lied about being married. Or the usual one of claiming he is going to leave and has no intention unless found out.

eatyourcrustspls · 02/04/2022 09:18

I would call her, but just to gather some intel for the divorce.

He's a twat. I'm sorry this has happened. He will go a bit mad for a bit saying he'll do anything to keep you etc. don't fall for it.

Atomiccat · 02/04/2022 09:19

If you do call her, congratulate her on now being a stepmum to three young children. They can stay with them every weekend.

Not so much fun anymore.

marihen1 · 02/04/2022 09:21

I would call her. I'd want to know whats been going. How have they got to the point of morning gorgeous texts if its not like that !?

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 02/04/2022 09:26

Runnn =) don't walk just run !

There is an unbelievable amount of men that go looking for ego boosts elsewhere ! They have apps that they delete before home time, hidden apps, even extra phones at times. MOST of these men that I know genuinely wouldn't do anything physical but are happy to exchange nudes and flirting.

Allergictoironing · 02/04/2022 09:27

@Honeyroar

I was on the verge of seeing someone from work. I got a phone call from his wife. We had a pretty mature, honest chat, albeit upsetting for her no doubt. I helped her gather ammunition. Not all women believe “my wife is crazy” lines.
Same happened to me. Met a guy at a work "do", had a date or two (luckily nothing more) then received a call from the wife I didn't know existed warning me off. TBH I was shocked, and very apologetic to her - apparently he had previous history of this.
Sunnymummy8 · 02/04/2022 09:29

You gave him an out.. instead he strung you along.. you don’t do that to the mother of your children and someone you have made a life with.. he has kept you and his family in the background as a safety net.. incase it doesn’t go anywhere with the women from work.. be strong..