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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband messaged girl at work

179 replies

Wtfidiot · 02/04/2022 08:15

Checked husbands phone and he has saved a girls number with hearts said “I haven’t stopped thinking about you” asked when she wants to go out for a meal.

Also wrote “morning gorgeous”

He isn’t sorry he’s very defensive saying I am sneaky because I went through his phone (true) but I am bloody glad I did. He even called me a bitch because I did it behind his back.

I’m disgusted. We have been having problems but I said multiple times if you don’t want this let me know.

OP posts:
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 02/04/2022 10:17

@allergictoironing I hope you were the straw that broke the camel's back and the wife finally got some bottle and chucked the tosser out.

Ballcactus · 02/04/2022 10:18

The defensiveness and saying you’ve probably done it is classic affair deflection. What a prick you deserve so much better- so sorry

Original poster
Wtfidiot · 02/04/2022 10:21

Gutted I didn’t screen shot won’t get another chance now.

OP posts:
EveningOverRooftops · 02/04/2022 10:23

@Wtfidiot

If you are married how can you get a random girls number. I saved the number should I call her?
Yes. Message her. Tell her you are Xs wife, you still live together, still have regular sex, you have children aged a,b and c.

Give her the facts. If she knows he’s still with you she’s just as guilty as him.

If she knows nothing and he lied to her she deserves the truth.

I have done this with a cheating ex. What those women do with the truth is up to them but your conscious is clear.

As yo your husband. Leave him. He doesn’t care what a knobber.

Sundancerintherain · 02/04/2022 10:25

I'm older , 35 ish years ago I was working with a man who had transferred from another location, good looking and easy to talk to. He asked me out, we arranged to go for a meal.
That afternoon a lady called in asking to speak to me. Yup, he was married with 2 kids. No one in the office had any idea.
He was furious when I told him, in front of everyone that I would only go for a meal if his wife and kids were there too. Prick.

Holskey · 02/04/2022 10:29

Don't call. Maintain your dignity. He's a disrespectful and disloyal turd that treated you very badly, so you break up. It's that simple.

If she does know about you, they'll only bond over you contacting her, and if you bring your children into it (as pp suggested) they will treat that as the straw man it is, which will undermine the real shittiness of it all.

Horsemad · 02/04/2022 10:30

Don't call her, just sack him off and start enjoying life without him.

Fireflygal · 02/04/2022 10:32

Code for "I want to work on it" but then not following through with actions = I haven't quite secured the next relationship yet so need to string you along, getting my washing done until I can persuade OW that I'm amazing.

These men cannot be alone so they won't leave until he has the next woman lined up. I think you got ahead of him or his plans for OW are not going as well.

Buildingthefuture · 02/04/2022 10:36

I hate the excuses people on mn make for the OW. If she doesn’t know he is married and he’s lied to her too then of course, it’s not her fault. If she does know he is married, she is not a nice person, at all and personally, I would be telling her that. In that scenario I think I would have enough rage to be angry at both of them!!

Original poster
Wtfidiot · 02/04/2022 10:38

Asked him to leave the house but he said he won’t

OP posts:
FI0N · 02/04/2022 10:42

@Buildingthefuture

I hate the excuses people on mn make for the OW. If she doesn’t know he is married and he’s lied to her too then of course, it’s not her fault. If she does know he is married, she is not a nice person, at all and personally, I would be telling her that. In that scenario I think I would have enough rage to be angry at both of them!!
No is is making excuses for OW.

But if she did know he was cheating on his wife then she’s not the kind of person who will care if the Op gives her a piece of her mind. It’s not as if she’s suddenly going to say

“ Oh gosh now you mention it , shagging a married man isn’t very nice. Thanks for pointing that out, I won’t do it again “.

Or she didn’t know he was still married and she’s just another of his victims.

Bunnyfuller · 02/04/2022 10:44

I called when it happened to me. She wasn’t aware of me and our 2 dc, but was mortified and apologetic. He was livid, oh well!

After yet another male arsehole driver cut me up on a roundabout yesterday and so many stories like this, we should just freeze a load of sperm and get rid of men. Wars, unfaithful liars, cocklodgers…what’s the fucking point of them?

Cakecakecheese · 02/04/2022 10:45

Can you take the kids and stay somewhere for a few days? I know you shouldn't be the one who leaves but he thinks if he refuses to leave you'll just give in and he can stay and carry on doing what he likes.

IAMGE · 02/04/2022 10:47

@Bunnyfuller

I called when it happened to me. She wasn’t aware of me and our 2 dc, but was mortified and apologetic. He was livid, oh well!

After yet another male arsehole driver cut me up on a roundabout yesterday and so many stories like this, we should just freeze a load of sperm and get rid of men. Wars, unfaithful liars, cocklodgers…what’s the fucking point of them?

This. She’s probably been fed a while pack of lies.
NowEvenBetter · 02/04/2022 10:47

Start the process of divorcing him, don’t do his laundry or any other services, obviously. Suggest he will parent the kids 80/20. He’ll shit himself 😄
Look forward to a life free from your thicko loser of a husband.

RampantIvy · 02/04/2022 10:48

Why are people defending the OW and assuming she doesn't know that he is married?

NowEvenBetter · 02/04/2022 10:49

Why should OP take the kids and leave for a few days? Sounds like OP needs some peace, and the workplace perv needs more time parenting his kids.

Lu901 · 02/04/2022 10:49

Yeah some women really don't care I saw MSG's on my partners phone from an ex he hasn't spoken to in years and she said hey and he was like what's up? She was like can't I talk to you and asked how he was and he said I have a misses and kids now and that his life is great ect and straight up replied with cool how do you feel about having sex with me? They aren't always innocent some really don't care and like the fact they aren't really available. Gives them more of an ego boost if a guy wants them when they have a family. I msged her wih the line about he has kids and a partner and she was like apologies and blocked me. I don't recommend msging the number. She probably does know if they haven't been able to meet up it be obvious why. If she's from work too surely it be common knowledge he has a family wouldn't be hard to find out if she cared.

TheNameOfTheRoses · 02/04/2022 10:50

@Wtfidiot

Asked him to leave the house but he said he won’t
Err so what is he expecting to happen? Is he expecting you to leave the house with the kids? Or to just carry on living as before?
LoisLane66 · 02/04/2022 10:52

I'd call or text her and say that he'll be moving in with her as soon as he's packed his bags which will be soon.
Tell her that he'll still be supporting you and three children financially as well as having to fund his 'new' lifestyle and you wish her all the best. Once a cheat always a cheat.

Cactuslove · 02/04/2022 10:55

I messaged a woman I suspected had slept with my ex. He wouldn't give me the full story so it felt like the only way. She told me that she had said to him he would ruin our family if he slept with her but he did it anyway... seemed like she liked the thought that despite what he would lose he still 'chose' her for 1 night. She gave me a few other details. If I could do it all again I don't think I'd contact her... I knew enough to make a decision r.e. splitting with him and now the messages with her are one of the things that wind me up the most. Feels unresolved. Anyway its very easy for uninvolved people to offer advice especially around calling her etc I just wanted to give you some insight into my experience and how it left me feeling.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/04/2022 10:59

@LoisLane66

I'd call or text her and say that he'll be moving in with her as soon as he's packed his bags which will be soon. Tell her that he'll still be supporting you and three children financially as well as having to fund his 'new' lifestyle and you wish her all the best. Once a cheat always a cheat.
She doesn't even know what this woman has been told. She's likely been fed a pack of lies too. So speaking to her in that way, as if she's as bad as OP's DH, would be unnecessary and not constructive.

OP's energy and anger should be (ideally calmly and robustly as a PP recommended) fully directed at her husband.

I know you don't really like women in general from your posts on here but she really might not have a clue of the reality of the situation.

PoodlesAreMySpiritAnimal · 02/04/2022 10:59

I’ve been in your shoes minus the kids. Well I ended up being pregnant at the same time, so that was really rough.
I think an important question to ask yourself is where does this go from here? Can you ever really trust him? If he’s gas-lighting you, is that person someone you want to stay with?
The more years you waste with someone who isn’t committed or who has one foot out the door, the less years you have for a happy life.
I would honestly get rid. At least you will be in control of your life and not wondering what your partner is up to any given week. In my experience you can be far happier on your own and you don’t need to settle for this.
My husband reacted the same way. Angry I’d found out. Then really angry when we found out I was pregnant a couple of days later. So much so he accused me of cheating. It was unbelievable.
We divorced and I’m since re-married, 7 years later, with an amazing hubby and a 20 month old son and a BFP this week so that’s a game changer too.
Choose yourself and your kids over this muppet would be my advice. I don’t know if he can give you what you want and deserve anymore. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

MadMadMadamMim · 02/04/2022 11:04

@Wtfidiot

Asked him to leave the house but he said he won’t
Shrug. Tell him, Fine. But we're done and I'm filing for divorce. You're doing yourself no favours by insisting on remaining here and at some point you'll have no choice but to go. I've taken advice and with 3 DC it WILL be you that has to move out of the family home whilst we remain in it.

Don't engage any more with him. Don't discuss it - or the OW. Just go and file for divorce asap. As a PP said "She's gorgeous - and you're a bitch". If you've any dignity at all you couldn't stay with him after that bombshell. You do not need 'proof' or 'evidence' for the divorce. Divorce him on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. There is lots of information out there.

Tiny2018 · 02/04/2022 11:06

I've been in this position more times than I'd care to admit, but was always so angry that all dignity went out the window and I messaged every one (well, the ones I found out about).
On every occasion, the woman wasn't aware of me and ended up as furious at him as me.
Creates all manner of problems for the bloke in question in my experience :)
That's assuming she doesn't already know about you; if she does, prepare for much arrogance and a huge lack of empathy on her part.