Husband messaged girl at work

[Wtfidiot]

Checked husbands phone and he has saved a girls number with hearts said “I haven’t stopped thinking about you” asked when she wants to go out for a meal.

Also wrote “morning gorgeous”

He isn’t sorry he’s very defensive saying I am sneaky because I went through his phone (true) but I am bloody glad I did. He even called me a bitch because I did it behind his back.

I’m disgusted. We have been having problems but I said multiple times if you don’t want this let me know.

Definitely tell the other woman. She has a right to know that he's fully married, in case he spun her a line about 'being separated'.

He cheated so he should leave. Don't you have a father and/or brother/s that can come around and shame him and 'force' him to leave, if you know what I mean?

Thread makes no sense.

I messaged the OW my DH was having an EA with. She defected the blame on me suggesting I was controlling and an unpleasant person for mistaking an innocent friendship with an EA. She was DHs first love who was recently separated and DH had not seen her for 35yrs. Since then she has spent a lot of time trying to engage with him further.
Not all OW are innocent or ignorant of the situation.
Her essay, in reply to my simple text informing her he was married ( his social media status does not infer this since most of his”friends” know this) told me all I needed to know about the type of person she is.
I think you need to let her know he is married but don’t include any passive aggressive comments about your children. She may not know. At least she can make up her own mind about her future relationship with him.

text her the facts, he's married with 3 kids and this is out of the blue, dont talk to her but its probably pointless, first thing he would have done is hook her in with a line of bullshit, he's probably already convinced her your a psycho bitch who's cheated on him so many times boo hoo and and that its over but your still under the same roof until he find somewhere else to stay, he wants to be with his kids etc.

I know my ex strung everyone a line of bollocks, he was an abusive arsehole, but told everyone I was doing what he was doing so when I finally got the balls to speak up no one believed anything I said, he'd been creating his victim narrative for years quietly, while I wasn't allowed to meet any of his work colleagues etc or have any contact with his family without him present.

I’m so sorry OP.

I’m so angry on your behalf.
Not just because he’s cheating or trying to cheat but for also refusing to leave - he has no respect for you at all.

I wouldn’t bother ringing her. It doesn’t make a difference whether they’ve never met up or been having an affair for years - she probably won’t tell you the truth and him trying to cheat is just as bad as him cheating.
I think it might make you feel worse too.

Is the house brought or rented?

If he refuses to move out then I would move out to your parents and let him deal with the kids until you can find somewhere else.
I’m sure he’ll change his mind about moving out once he realises he can’t meet up with the OW because he’s got to take care of the children.

HAHAHA Its not like that. Right because not being able to stop thinking about someone and going for a meal with them ISNT trying to have an affair. LTB and let karma get him

You have both been experiencing problems in your relationship.
You now have evidence that he is engaged in a relationship with OW.
You feel betrayed by evidence found.
He does not appreciate your point of view &/or acknowledge your experience.
He is not stepping up with action & commitment to you to improve your relationship.

The only question is: do you want to be in a marriage with this man?
If not, then split now.
It is enough to not want to be with him in this situation to end the marriage.

If you want to be with him, then cut along promptly to Relate/couples therapy to work out with independent counsellor where you both are in this relationship & build a future together.

Either way, I suggest that you have an advice session with a family law specialist so that you know where you stand legally & financially. If you are on a low income you may be eligible for legal aid at a solicitors that offer this service. Other than that, paying for the advice session at a family law solicitor may be the best money you will have spent in a long time. Get informed, get real.

You will always have a relationship with him as he is DF of your children.

@Tiny2018

I've been in this position more times than I'd care to admit, but was always so angry that all dignity went out the window and I messaged every one (well, the ones I found out about). On every occasion, the woman wasn't aware of me and ended up as furious at him as me. Creates all manner of problems for the bloke in question in my experience :) That's assuming she doesn't already know about you; if she does, prepare for much arrogance and a huge lack of empathy on her part.

Why did you keep on tolerating it?

Deflected not defected.
I totally blamed my DH and told him he was an utter prick for misleading her. He has accepted full responsibility and we have moved on. We are facing much bigger challenges at the moment and his EA is now a distant memory.

You don’t need screenshots or intel or to engage with the OW. You just need to decide whether you can tolerate living with a disrespectful gaslighting wannabe cheat or not, and if you decide not - which it sounds like you’ve done, so good on you - then you focus your energy on finding a good solicitor, getting copies of all the paperwork etc you’ll need for a divorce, and checking what you’re entitled to.

@RampantIvy

Why are people defending the OW and assuming she doesn't know that he is married?

Nobody is assuming, they're just saying that she might not even know. There's no point jumping on to say she's ruined their lives etc - if it wasn't with her, it would have been someone else. OP's Husband is the one that's cheated and in the wrong here.
Nobody on here knows the OW or what she's been told, it is more than possible that she doesn't know about the OP or has been told they're separated etc.

Of course she also may know and just not care, doesn't make her a great person but also doesn't change the fact that it's the OPs Husband that cheated on her

He's trying to have an affair and having no luck and blaming you.
Wow. At least you know exactly who he is. There's no ambiguity here.

@youvegottenminuteslynn
You don't know me at all so you certainly can't make a pronouncement on my either liking it disliking women.
What would be correct and I will gladly admit to, is the fact that some women don't have the guts to leave abusive or controlling relationships or deal with life without asking strangers what they should do...but ultimately do nothing.
I do realise that MN is a place where one can rant without wanting a resolution, however, some females admit they are too weak to do anything to improve their lot whatever the problem may be and I have little time for weak individuals, be they male or female who can't even say 'NO' or make decisions.
I do have a problem with silly individuals such as you, who make unwarranted and untruthful assumptions regarding my allegiances to my own sex.

*liking or disliking.

I wouldn't bother contacting her OP.
It is a red herring. Whether she's gung ho to meet up with him or on the brink of reporting him for harassment, the important point is that he sent the messages, he wants to cheat with her. What she wants is not a factor in your decision.

@Fireflygal

Code for "I want to work on it" but then not following through with actions = I haven't quite secured the next relationship yet so need to string you along, getting my washing done until I can persuade OW that I'm amazing.

These men cannot be alone so they won't leave until he has the next woman lined up. I think you got ahead of him or his plans for OW are not going as well.

This ^

I found out there were 4 women at where my ex worked and he tried it on with all of them 3 of them thought he was a creepy weirdo (which he is) the 4th fell for it.

arseholes always need to live with someone to blame and use, they can not function alone, because then they would have to look at themselves.

@LoisLane66 You're missing something here but still feeling equipped to call others weak.. It takes time to digest a new truth. I posted a ''what should I do'' type of thread April 2007 and I left July 2007. Now in the overall scheme of things, that was quite quick. I turned my life upside down and leapt in to the unknown and faced poverty for years, poverty and judgment. But you would have read my thread and called me weak I guess. Action taken wouldn't have been quick enough to provide entertainment but those of us who understand these things first hand know it's quick.

OP sounds like she is not in denial. So give her ten f**ing minutes fgs.

@LoisLane66

What would be correct and I will gladly admit to, is the fact that some women don't have the guts to leave abusive or controlling relationships or deal with life without asking strangers what they should do...

What a horrible person this makes you sound like. I can't imagine being so severely lacking in empathy and understanding. Happy, well adjusted people don't say things like that. They really don't.

I don't know you in real life, no. I can only go by the posts you make on here.

Which are almost exclusively mean spirited, misogynistic and cruel.

And ones like the above combine all three.

I'm trying to have an affair, but you caught me and now it's all your fault....

^This. What an arsehole. How DARE he try and blame this on you! I wouldn't bother contacting the OW. He's the cheat. Who she is, what she's done and how he got her number is irrelevant.

Go to a solicitor. Start getting copies of all paperwork, payslips, pensions etc.

Find out where you stand re him leaving the house.

If it were me I would contact the OW, just to tell her (in case she was unaware) that he is married with 3 children, and soon to be going through a costly divorce. Do it by text. If he doesn't like it, oh well never mind!

[quote LoisLane66]@youvegottenminuteslynn
You don't know me at all so you certainly can't make a pronouncement on my either liking it disliking women.
What would be correct and I will gladly admit to, is the fact that some women don't have the guts to leave abusive or controlling relationships or deal with life without asking strangers what they should do...but ultimately do nothing.
I do realise that MN is a place where one can rant without wanting a resolution, however, some females admit they are too weak to do anything to improve their lot whatever the problem may be and I have little time for weak individuals, be they male or female who can't even say 'NO' or make decisions.
I do have a problem with silly individuals such as you, who make unwarranted and untruthful assumptions regarding my allegiances to my own sex.[/quote]
Oh the irony. Not liking people judging you, while yourself judging a whole slew of women without knowing their circumstances or history.

Mumsnet can be a revelation of support and knowledge for women who've been in abusive relationships. These women don't lack guts, they've often been worn down by men over years. Or they may have had dysfunctional families and have never felt loved or supported. Their financial situations may not make it easy just to waltz out.

Just because someone doesn't immediately make the decision to leave doesn't mean it hasn't planted the seed. Or indeed made it easier for someone else on the thread to take the first step.

Being dismissive or insulting never empowered anyone to do anything.

@EatsQuorn

She's gorgeous and your a bitch. His words. I think you have your answer.

If he said this to you, just go straight to a solicitor and initiate a divorce. Put the house up for sale. x

I do realise that MN is a place where one can rant without wanting a resolution, however, some females admit they are too weak to do anything to improve their lot whatever the problem may be and I have little time for weak individuals, be they male or female who can't even say 'NO' or make decisions.

I doubt many people would give a shiny shit whether someone with such asneery, mean-spirited and non-empathetic attitude 'has little time' for them tbh. I'm assuming you're a man, based on your turn of phrase and your poorly-disguised disdain for women.

I've never been in the OP's situation, thank goodness, but it only requires a modicum of intelligence or imagination to understand that there are many reasons why it's often very hard for people to end a long-term relationship.

I was an unsuspecting OW. The wife called me to give me a telling off but it ended up being revelation after revelation with date & info swapping.

She stayed with him. I immediately ghosted him.

He will do it again and again.

I would just like to be the first to congratulate the OP on getting her freedom back, the divorce will be great and liberating and the kids will be far happier because the atmosphere in the home will be better and more relaxed.

the man is obviously a git regardless of if he's actually managed to get his leg over or not, he is a git for trying and for treating the OP like shit and for that he needs to be gone.