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Original poster

This will end in heartbreak for me won’t it?

162 replies

welshandconfused · 01/04/2022 13:16

I’m separated from my husband and have a 3 year old DS. I met a guy before Christmas who’s 12 years younger than me (I’m 39) and we’ve been seeing each other since.

Last week we started to have the conversation about what was going on between us and he said he sees me as a good friend he enjoys having sex with. The things he’s said and done are not consistent with this e.g.

He messages me “Good morning beautiful” every morning and keeps in touch during the day.
He says he loves spending time with me and I make him happy.
He says he’s having the best sex of his life with me.
He comes over to my house and cooks dinner, we snuggle up on the sofa and chat a lot.
He’s always suggesting things to do together in the future e.g. in the summer and for his birthday in September.
He wants us to be exclusive.

However, despite all of the above he is also saying he doesn’t want anything long term… I’m still married and I’ve told him I have no intention of jumping into anything like that again, I’m certainly not looking for a stepdad for DS (who he hasn’t met) at such an early stage.

I always thought ‘friends with benefits’ (which is what he seems to think this is) didn’t include all the emotional attachment and affection we have for each other.

I can’t work out what’s going on with him. All the signs up until this week point towards him liking me a lot, but now I’m really confused and don’t know what to do next

OP posts:
Isladogs · 01/04/2022 13:20

I would listen to what he's saying. If you want an actual relationship it sounds like he doesn't and just wants to keep it casual.

HellToTheNope · 01/04/2022 13:24

You also say you don't want anything serious. I don't understand what the problem is. Confused

custardsponge · 01/04/2022 13:25

Ask him what he means when he says that he wants you to be exlusive but doesn't want anything long term. Does he want to be exclusive as well or just want you to be off the market. I would believe him when he says he doesn't want anything long term.

Beanie567 · 01/04/2022 13:28

It sounds pretty clear to me. You’ve agreed fwb. If that doesn’t work for you, change it, whether by changing the nature of the relationship away from the emotional and intimate or friends only or saying actually you want a standard relationship. Have a think about what will work for you.

Blushingm · 01/04/2022 13:34

I have to admit I've been in a similar situation recently - listen to what he is saying. I didn't and ended up really hurt

BuffyBeat · 01/04/2022 13:35

I think you should listen to what he has told you, that he sees you as a good friend he enjoys having sex with.
Friends can be affectionate and keep in touch over the day and watch tv together,
so he probably thinks this is fine.
If you are enjoying the friendship and sex then that is fine but if you want more, then I think that you are right and you could end up emotionally hurt.

Original poster
welshandconfused · 01/04/2022 13:37

Sorry I realised I missed a few important bits out.

When we talked about this last weekend he said I was the ideal woman, everything he’s been looking for… then came out with how he sees us as FWB?!

Something that bothers me is that he hasn’t told anyone (apart from a couple of close friends) that I exist. He still lives with his parents and when he comes to see me he tells them he’s out with the boys. I suppose I’d like to be acknowledged in some way and not be a secret!

He’s also never had a relationship longer than 3/4 months before and I think it’s for the same reason

OP posts:
MrsGHarrison87 · 01/04/2022 13:45

I think it could be that he likes you and all the things you're giving him, company, sex, fun etc. But that he doesn't see a future with you, won't want to introduce you to his family as his partner and I think it's likely the age gap.

Notonthestairs · 01/04/2022 13:47

Don't try and fix or decode this.

He has explicitly said he doesn't want a relationship. Take him at his word and then decide what you want to do about.

Don't waste the next 6 months.

Quitelikeit · 01/04/2022 13:48

I think he has been honest with you and there are no hard Amd fast rules about what a fwb situation should look like.

I think you should enjoy the situation.

I suspect he may not want to tell his parents as you are much older with a child. Maybe they will judge.

Original poster
welshandconfused · 01/04/2022 13:49

I did think the age gap could have been an issue and I asked him about it, but he says he prefers older women and that’s what he’s looking for in a future wife etc.

Admittedly, a divorcee with a young child probably isn’t what his parents had in mind for him!

OP posts:
Casimira · 01/04/2022 13:50

Well, exactly: you’re his dream woman because he doesn’t want anything beyond spending time with a FWB.

gamerchick · 01/04/2022 13:51

You can't have Feb and exclusive in the same sentence and he needs to be told this. It's one or the other. If you meet someone else then you consider yourself single if casual is what you're doing.

Spell it out.

Original poster
welshandconfused · 01/04/2022 13:52

I think what writing this has made me realise is that I was hoping for more from him/us than I’d originally planned.

I wish I could just enjoy it but I have a feeling I’ll get too attached and end up being hurt, whether it’s now with me ending it, or him in a few months when he decides it’s not what he wants after all

OP posts:
WhenDovesFly · 01/04/2022 13:56

Keeping you a secret from his parents makes me wonder what his relationship is like with them.

Has he spoken about the future and whether he sees himself as having children? If he wants to be a dad someday then this relationship may not be a long term option for him. I wouldn't be anyone's FWB if I was looking for a proper relationship.

Gonnagetgoing · 01/04/2022 14:00

I think him being 12 years younger so 27 - he's probably getting questions from people like parents as to when is he settling down, having kids etc. He probably doesn't see this with you.

I think he likes you a lot, it's just not what he'd want long term.

I don't think the divorcee or your child is the issue but I think he's thinking realistically (and quite rightly too) if he wanted children with you it might be harder and does he want to take on another man's child.

I'd probably end it if I were you so you don't end up getting hurt.

spacehardware · 01/04/2022 14:02

My input is not helpful I suspect because my relationship with my husband started as FWB but it was clear very quickly we had both caught feels. He also didn't tell family about me to start with for very different reasons (religion). He made it "clear" that we both needed to have no expectations because the situation was tricky.

I kept a very clear head for the first six months, basically I listened to what he said rather than what he did. Ultimately I decided to break it off at that point because I was falling in love and that wasn't what we signed up for. It wasn't intended as an ultimatum - it was just - we started one way, now I feel a different way, you said you don't want that, let's call time. He changed his mind very quickly.

Even then it wasn't the easiest road.

If you continue with this man you must keep your expectations in check.

ILoveYou3000 · 01/04/2022 14:02

I have a male friend who told me a long time ago, when I called his FWB his gf in conversation, this is exactly how men see FWB. All the best bits of a relationship without the commitment. They want you to be exclusive to them while being able to very quickly move on if they meet someone better. They want someone they can spend time with, have a laugh with, get on well with and have great sex with while being free of any expectation.

Basically his view of FWB was completely different to mine and our other (female) friend's.

Original poster
welshandconfused · 01/04/2022 14:03

He seems to have a good relationship with them from what he tells me.

The whole thing about him wanting to have children and also wanting to be with an older woman doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. He was surprised when I told him that women’s fertility decreases as they get old. So even if it wasn’t me, if he wants children with an older woman he’d have to first find one who wants children later in life and one who actually can. At 39 I feel like I could have another if it was with the right person, but deep down I know I’m knackered really!

OP posts:
uggmum · 01/04/2022 14:05

I'm probably harsh but I would get rid of anyone that texted me 'morning beautiful' everyday.

Not for a minute saying you are not beautiful but it seems a bit to 'try hard'. It would annoy me

aSofaNearYou · 01/04/2022 14:05

I would say (annoyingly) everything you've said is how many men act with their FWB, besides the part about being exclusive. I think that's him wanting to have his cake and eat it, and I couldn't be bothered with those kind of blatant commitment issues.

He wants what is essentially a relationship with you but is too scared to call it that.

Original poster
welshandconfused · 01/04/2022 14:06

@ILoveYou3000 you’re right - my best friends view of FWB is more like mine. A friend you sometimes have sex with when you feel like it. Not all the affection and effort we’ve both been putting into this (initiated by him I might add!)

OP posts:
5128gap · 01/04/2022 14:07

Best case scenario, he genuinely doesn't feel ready to settle down yet, perhaps he feels he is too young for that, and is being honest about that so as not to mislead you. If this is the case it may change in time.
Worse case, he's keeping his options open as he has the feeling he could do better in some way, but he might as well enjoy himself with you in the meantime.
Whichever, he has no intention of being official with you, even to the point of lying to his parents, and that's a poor sign. It's also a poor sign that he's either so under their thumb or dishonest he has to/ chooses to lie to them. Its not a sign of the greatest integrity. If he's happy to do that I wouldn't trust him to be truthful with me.

spacehardware · 01/04/2022 14:09

"my best friends view of FWB is more like mine. A friend you sometimes have sex with when you feel like it. Not all the affection and effort we’ve both been putting into this"

Thats a fuck buddy. A FWB is someone you do actually like/care for

missnevermind · 01/04/2022 14:09

My sister has a 'boyfriend'
They go on dates together, do lovely things. Go away for weekends all that sort of thing. But neither of them want a full relationship. She doesn't want a smelly boy moving into her beautiful home, I know he has never stayed over and I don't think he has ever been there.
They see each other socially and enjoy each other's company but it is not FWB it is definitely dating with both of them happy for it to go no further

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