This will end in heartbreak for me won’t it?

[welshandconfused]

I’m separated from my husband and have a 3 year old DS. I met a guy before Christmas who’s 12 years younger than me (I’m 39) and we’ve been seeing each other since.

Last week we started to have the conversation about what was going on between us and he said he sees me as a good friend he enjoys having sex with. The things he’s said and done are not consistent with this e.g.

He messages me “Good morning beautiful” every morning and keeps in touch during the day.
He says he loves spending time with me and I make him happy.
He says he’s having the best sex of his life with me.
He comes over to my house and cooks dinner, we snuggle up on the sofa and chat a lot.
He’s always suggesting things to do together in the future e.g. in the summer and for his birthday in September.
He wants us to be exclusive.

However, despite all of the above he is also saying he doesn’t want anything long term… I’m still married and I’ve told him I have no intention of jumping into anything like that again, I’m certainly not looking for a stepdad for DS (who he hasn’t met) at such an early stage.

I always thought ‘friends with benefits’ (which is what he seems to think this is) didn’t include all the emotional attachment and affection we have for each other.

I can’t work out what’s going on with him. All the signs up until this week point towards him liking me a lot, but now I’m really confused and don’t know what to do next

Listen to what he is saying.

You and your friend are confused between a fuck buddy and friends with benefits.

You have a FWB. If that is too emotional for you you need to change it. If you also don’t want a relationship then this is great for now as long as you can walk away when you need to.

I think his view of the relationship is completely consistent with how you describe the relationship.

I can't think what more you want or expect from it, given that you don't want marriage, or for him to meet DC . You are maintaining a certain distance from him, that suits you.

Having been married you have alot to learn about young men. Stop analysing everything and listen to what he's told you. Quite honestly at 39 you should have known better than to involve yourself in a 27 year old.

Relationships shouldn't be this difficult, the minute you start questioning someone motives is the time to get out .

He is being honest now you need to be.

He hasn’t told anyone (apart from a couple of close friends) that I exist. He still lives with his parents and when he comes to see me he tells them he’s out with the boys

Oh dear

Sorry, OP, but that sounds as if he's got others on the go too, and all the fine words are just a script to keep you on the hook -and if he does have others they've probably had a version of the same thing

As you suggest, it's unlikely to end well so I'd just get rid before there's any more pain built up

In a bit of a similar situation myself but ages slightly closer and he's older. Also my family don't know he exists, his family know about me though. He's happy to play the relationship game of stating he has feelings but backtrack and say just friends if he starts to think I'm actually considering asking for anything more. Think it's a bit of a powertrip for him and an attempt to keep me interested
Fwb can work but when they start talking about feelings and then saying they don't want a relationship it is a headfuck.
No solution just sympathy OP
Think I'm making my peace with the fact as soon as he decides he's found a woman he can see a future with, the fwb situation and tbh the actual friend situation will disappear off the face of the earth, so I'm prepared for this and considering my options and trying not to invest more in this situation than I want to

Some of what he is saying to you is what you want to hear, great sex, loves spending time with you, hello beautiful etc etc. He knows that those little touches will keep the sex on tap.

From his point of view, for the moment you are ideal... sexually experienced, somewhere to go for sex with dinner thrown in. You are low demand and low expenses.

But, you aren't wife material, that's why his parents haven't met you.

He's told you this in rare flashes of honesty, but you don't want to listen, as it's not as comforting to hear as how great the sex is with you.

You have got in too deep, and are too emotionally involved. If you can just enjoy the sex then stay with him. But it won't last, he won't provide what you need long term, it's all just fun to him.

If you can't cope with just fun, then end things now.

Listen to him. If he wants friends with benefits then enjoy - and have sex with other men too!
Take the advantages and ditch the disadvantages
Have fun 🙂

@JangolinaPitt

Relationships now are much more fluid and what people want them to be rather than having to be officially defined. If you are enjoying the moment just let it happen. If you are unhappy with it, end it. You have the advantage of having already had your child -that is massive! I feel so grateful that having already had my children I am not looking for the father of my children and am so much happier than when I was single with no kids. Just enjoy him, but be open to another partner if/when he moves on

I think this is increasingly true and certainly for me. I'm seperated, have two children and actively don't want the conventional scenario where a relationship proceeds through all these milestones ending in marriage or co-habitation. I want to have good times, good connections and good sex with nice and interesting men: I am currently in exactly that situation with a man with a similar mindset to me. It is a mindset change not to overthink these things or wonder 'where is this leading?' And you both need to be on a similar journey and not be looking for some major thing the other can't provide (e.g. children) but it can be pretty wonderful and very freeing to just relax and enjoy what you have.

I’m sorry to say it but I think the things you’ve listed are totally consistent with good friend he has sex with.

The issue I think is you want a committed relationship with him, and he’s been clear it’s not on offer. You need to accept this. He’s not pretending.

Another thing which you need to have is enough confidence to know that just because he doesn't want the whole shebang with you, it's not because you are not worthy of that. The most amazing man in the world could come along and I still would not want to live with that person , certainly not while my children were living with me. Yet sometimes - maybe as women especially - we think unless someone is offering the full package as it were, they either don't love us enough, we're not enough or that they are users or wastrels. Maybe sometimes they, like me, are happy to have a relationship which works for what it is, is fulfulling to a point but only one part of a busy and complicated life..

What you could do, but a big risk is lay your cards on the table with him. If he wants kids really likes you etc and if you feel ready to have them with him then discuss this and going forward but obviously you'll have to get a move on at your age.

If he agrees and you go forward with this and are exclusive then great. But I'd do that with the caveat that you meet his parents etc and friends and not stay some guilty/dirty secret of his.

But if he wants to do the FWB etc then let him crack on and I'd end this.

He was surprised when I told him that women’s fertility decreases as they get old.

Is he a bit dim? How on earth could a 27 year old not know that? My 16 year old son knows that.

As for your OP. There's a big chance of you getting hurt here, you get a lot of lovely attention, great sex, snuggles, you hang out etc...all sounds lovely...but now there's the added thing of thinking/knowing you can't have him long term.....unfortunately people often want what they can't have...or they internalise the fact the person doesn't want anything long term and start wondering what's wrong with me, how can I make him see me that way etc. It's a recipe for disaster because most of the time the one who feels a bit rejected will start to feel more attached!

How long have you been single for OP?

I think, and I've not got here yet after ending my marriage, that the best place emotionally for me to get to is to be really really ecstatic with my own life so I don't connect with men and get attached if they're not the right one for me and don't/won't in the future make my life better. I don't want to be with a man that brings my life down and stops me centering on myself. I tend to get attached and centre completely on them rather than me and then become miserable. I also want to be in a place with no expectations, either you make my life better and when I see you it's great BUT when I don't see you it's also great and I'm not texting him back and thinking and talking about him. I want my life to be more than that. I want to be the main character in my story. Have you got to that place?

Thank you so much everyone, I’ve had a lot more responses than I was expecting.

Honestly, after things ended with my husband my self esteem and confidence was in the gutter. I was just starting to feel better about myself when this attractive, younger man paid me some attention. Told me everything I wanted to hear basically and made me feel wanted and attractive for the first time since I can remember. I’ve staked too much on that feeling I think and have started to fall for despite him never promising me anything. I feel like I’ve read more into things than were ever intended, because that’s what I wanted.

I suppose when I say I’m not looking for anything long term, I mean
I haven’t picked him out as my next husband and I don’t expect him to move in/get involved with my son etc. because it’s so early, I don’t know him well enough to even think about those things. However I do want to feel like I’m not disposable and I actually mean something to him

He’s keeping you sweet because he’s having the best sex of his life with you but doesn’t sound like he wants anything serious so if you do then fizzle it out

Maybe go on some dates in that case. He doesn't have a monopoly on your time
If you want to date, go for it. Doesn't mean you're going to marry the next person you go on a date with, but sounds like you would at least like a long term relationship to be a possibility.

@DragonOverTheMoon we sound so alike! I’ve only been single for a few months and told myself I wasn’t going to get involved until I was happy with my new life. I haven’t got there yet and honestly, I get a bit lonely at times. He’s been filling the gaps on the nights ds is with his dad and I haven’t really had a chance to be on my own much to find out what makes me happy as an individual

I wouldn't lay all your cards on the table as a pp suggested, how many women are years down the road hanging onto promises of moving in together, engagements and weddings that are never going to happen.

Honestly Op , I would end it, you will find someone who is 100% committed to you with none of this confusion.

And me OP, 4 months. I'm not advising you to cut him off or to see other men. You do you. But I would say focus on yourself more. Find out what makes you happy for yourself that doesn't involve a man.

I've reconnected with my friends and see a friend twice a week minimum. I have started growing veggie and flower seedlings, I made a candle, I've been going for walks and listening to audio books. I've gone back to counselling. I've started watching tv again and figuring out what I like rather than what ex liked. Whilst I was with him I was happy to let him decide and went along with most things. Now I'm doing me. It's a journey. Get on your journey and do you, then you won't feel so attached to him and can enjoy the sex and cuddles without feeling that you're making your happiness dependent on him.

@Vapeyvapevape

I wouldn't lay all your cards on the table as a pp suggested, how many women are years down the road hanging onto promises of moving in together, engagements and weddings that are never going to happen.

Honestly Op , I would end it, you will find someone who is 100% committed to you with none of this confusion.

@Vapeyvapevape - I'm not saying she should definitely do that but maybe if they both wanted the same things then it could very small possible maybe.

I mean me, really, I'd just end it.

The problem is because he's acting like more than fwb, it's confusing for you, you will feel more attached to him than you should be. Your a placeholder for each other at the moment, and to be blunt, he doesn't like you enough to be in a relationship with. I wouldn't personally want to be a placeholder.
He sounds like the kind of guy that just enjoys strings of casual relationships, it's selfish of him to keep up the pretence of really being into you, knowing it'll never be more than what it is, it's up to you how far you get into this.

[quote welshandconfused]@DragonOverTheMoon we sound so alike! I’ve only been single for a few months and told myself I wasn’t going to get involved until I was happy with my new life. I haven’t got there yet and honestly, I get a bit lonely at times. He’s been filling the gaps on the nights ds is with his dad and I haven’t really had a chance to be on my own much to find out what makes me happy as an individual[/quote]
That's a really good attitude, and reason to end it. 'I'm enjoying the time we spend together, but need to spend time on my own and find out who I am as a single person. I need to work out what I like to do, who I enjoy spending time with, and what I want for the future. This, nice though it's been, is just delaying the inevitable.'

I like the advice that you should believe the least advantageous thing someone tells you in these circumstances. Its like the small print on a product. They don't want to put it there because it will put you off buying, but they have to. Same thing, it would potentially lose him this sexual situation to tell you it so you need to believe it.