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Original poster

This will end in heartbreak for me won’t it?

162 replies

welshandconfused · 01/04/2022 13:16

I’m separated from my husband and have a 3 year old DS. I met a guy before Christmas who’s 12 years younger than me (I’m 39) and we’ve been seeing each other since.

Last week we started to have the conversation about what was going on between us and he said he sees me as a good friend he enjoys having sex with. The things he’s said and done are not consistent with this e.g.

He messages me “Good morning beautiful” every morning and keeps in touch during the day.
He says he loves spending time with me and I make him happy.
He says he’s having the best sex of his life with me.
He comes over to my house and cooks dinner, we snuggle up on the sofa and chat a lot.
He’s always suggesting things to do together in the future e.g. in the summer and for his birthday in September.
He wants us to be exclusive.

However, despite all of the above he is also saying he doesn’t want anything long term… I’m still married and I’ve told him I have no intention of jumping into anything like that again, I’m certainly not looking for a stepdad for DS (who he hasn’t met) at such an early stage.

I always thought ‘friends with benefits’ (which is what he seems to think this is) didn’t include all the emotional attachment and affection we have for each other.

I can’t work out what’s going on with him. All the signs up until this week point towards him liking me a lot, but now I’m really confused and don’t know what to do next

OP posts:
Vapeyvapevape · 01/04/2022 17:07

He hasn't introduced you to family or friends, anyone who really likes/loves you just wouldn't keep you a secret.
For this alone you should end it. Say the words 'He doesn't think I'm good enough to meet his family' out loud to yourself -doesn't it sounds awful for someone you are hoping to be your partner?

You will meet someone else and when it's right you'll know because you won't feel like you do with this chap.

5128gap · 01/04/2022 17:11

Its worth pointing out OP, that while it may not last, there's no inevitability that you will be heartbroken. People seem to forget that we can tire of men just as easily as they can of us. It could well be you who meets someone you want to commit to, your own age or otherwise, or simply get fed up with him. We're don't just sit there passively waiting for a man to choose us or not, we have thoughts and feelings that can change too.

Clymene · 01/04/2022 17:16

You are FWB and he's been perfectly clear how that's all he wants. If that doesn't work for you anymore, then end it.

But I would also think about whether you want more with him as a person or whether you just want more full stop. I mean how is he going to fit into your life? You might get on in bed and hanging around watching telly but do you have shared interests? Shared goals? Are you at the same stage in your life?

I suppose what I'm trying to say is - do you want a relationship with him or is it that you want a relationship and he just happens to be in the potential box because you're having sex with him?

Personally, I'd take this for the great ego boost it's been (and I hope it has been), say thanks, it's been a blast and go and find someone who is your peer.

MindTheGapMoveAlong · 01/04/2022 17:21

Time to put scores on doors, OP. This isn’t working for you; you are emotionally attached even if he’s undecided.. Have the conversation. You might not like what you hear but either way you’ll know for sure. And don’t keep it going in the forlorn hope that he’ll come around to your way of thinking.

CharlotteRose90 · 01/04/2022 19:05

If you are happy with a fwb until he finds someone better then go for it. He hasn’t introduced you to his family as you aren’t a couple and he doesn’t see it as potential. He will want a family in the future and you can’t give him that. If the fun is good then go for it , if you want more then end it.

CoalTit · 01/04/2022 19:14

He wants us to be exclusive.
Then he doesn't want to be FWB, does he.
I've spent plenty of time with men who contradict themselves and play this sort of game. No matter what I did, including not sleeping with them and not being jealous when they told me about the women who did sleep with them, it always ended up in a dramatic falling out.

Underfrighter · 01/04/2022 22:08

I think there are a few things going on here. Exclusive as in not sleeping with someone else simultaneously is probably sensible from a sti and potential pregnancy pov. However there is no need to stop dating if he is not your bf. Which has he asked you to do?
Why would you expect to be introduced to his family and friends when its early days have you introduced him to yours? Would you expect to be introduced as his fwb?
It's totally possible to feel a great connection with someone and enjoy your time with them but know in your heart that for whatever reason that you are unlikely to give a future together and I'd guess that's what's happening here. I dont think you necessarily need to jump to ending it but you do need to distance yourself emotionally so you dont get hurt in the future

Mermaidwaves · 01/04/2022 22:47

Listen to him! I've learnt the hard way when a man tells you he doesn't really want you then listen. I've been there, convincing myself, looking for words and actions that meant he had feelings that were never there. He dropped me brutally when he met the one and I should have listened when he told me he I wasn't his girlfriend. Seriously these men are happy to take but never give.

chummymummy7 · 01/04/2022 23:12

Deep down you know this is going to end badly (your post title says as much), but you don't want to believe it because your love chemicals are flying at full force.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but it's meant with kindness. Wish I'd listened when friends told me this at one point. But also understand if you want to keep on it enjoying it Daffodil

Viviennemary · 01/04/2022 23:16

Exactly what is going on is this. He is enjoying being with you at the present time but does not see his future with you in the long term. And is trying to warn you about this to save you getting hurt. Which it probably won't.

seensome · 01/04/2022 23:24

Agree @Underfrighter if your not officially together then you are free to date others and keep your options open. You're still keeping your word on not having sex with others. Can you really trust he wouldn't be doing the same anyway, I wouldn't put much trust in a man that wants me exclusive to sleep with but not a relationship with.
Emotionally distance yourself or just end it.

theschitt · 02/04/2022 01:02

@Casimira

Well, exactly: you’re his dream woman because he doesn’t want anything beyond spending time with a FWB.
Yes this.

His dream women is someone to hang out with when he wants to, sex when he wants to, knows the rules (eg this isn't a relationship) has a child and is married so no danger of commitment. Perfect!

PlainJaneEyre · 02/04/2022 01:33

Look - there are loads of them who want to be exclusive and "have the GF experience" but not commit in any serious way at all. I would also say to you that when this goes tits up you will very likely feel it very badly as it comes on top of your broken marriage. Beware.

Monty27 · 02/04/2022 03:37

OP you aren't cut out for a fwb situation. You're caring too much about his feelings.
I think you should get out. Unless you have tears to spare on top of what you're going through already.
He won't shed tears he'll move on to the next.

Redberries85 · 02/04/2022 03:52

Still with his parents but can have lovely time round yours. Can have all the things a relationship can offer but can leave it whenever someone else comes along. Sounds all dodgy to me and could lead to heartbreak for you

Musttryharder2021 · 02/04/2022 05:10

He's most likely going to want children in the next 5 to 10 years, as he sees his peers settle down. You are unlikely to be the woman for this milestone (the issue of already having a child and the dynamics involved in that?), as well as potentially facing age related infertility.

urbanbuddha · 02/04/2022 05:21

If it's fwb it's difficult to see how it can "end in heartbreak".
You're more emotionally involved than you should be. Good idea to take a step back.

Rainbowqueeen · 02/04/2022 06:12

I think exclusive to him means that you are available all the time not that it’s a long term thing. So he knows tat you don’t have any other demand on your time. You are Miss right now not Miss right.

And that suits him as he isn’t looking for Miss right. When he does start looking for her then your relationship will end.

Dippyeggs3 · 02/04/2022 06:41

I'm 33 and my partners 48. It's a similar situation. I split from the kids dad and ended up with an older man. Our relationship has a future in terms of he's always said long term we will join homes and he wants this long term. But it's so so so slow paced. For many reasons on both sides.

In your case it sounds like he's enjoying having a younger woman to have sex with. He obviously likes you to send messages and stuff. But the question is why doesn't he want more? He's 51 and he's not wanting a relationship. Has he got out of a bad one? Have you seen evidence he's a player? Has he got history of cheating?

My boyfriend had to really let his walls down to be with me. He was all walls up and still bruised from his ex who broke his heart dumping him. They really didn't suit one another in terms of socialising and she was 10 years younger and liked travelling and he wanted one on one holidays together.

Often I find men who are like this have some walls they need to break down. But you've also got to be on the same page or this will end it so much heartbreak and tears for you.

Original poster
welshandconfused · 02/04/2022 07:08

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate the honesty, even though at times it’s been difficult to read.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not cut out for a FWB situation with him. We were never friends in the first place! We just met and started seeing each other without ever discussing what we were getting involved in.

I met him too soon after my marriage breakdown and desperately felt the need to fill the gaps left by no longer being with my husband.

A common theme through all my relationships has been my availability. I’ve always been too available and willing to set aside my needs and wants in order to accommodate others. When I moved into my own place I had so many plans to pursue my interests (which had taken a back seat while I was with H) but I haven’t had chance because I’ve spent all my spare time seeing this guy. I need to focus on myself more.

I’ve agreed to meet up with him tomorrow. We’re going for a walk and I intend to tell him it’s over. He’s even annoyed me just arranging this meeting! I suggested going for a walk on the beach and said there’s a nice cafe we could go to if we feel like it. His response “Nah I don’t like cafes!” Well I DO like cafes so wtf just for once can’t he even force himself to sit in a cafe with me for half an hour?!

OP posts:
Neongoddess · 02/04/2022 07:32

Why would you suggest, what's essentially a date, to break it off?

That suggests to expect to spend lots of time going back and forth and discussing it. You are arranging time for him to convince you .

I get wanting to do it somewhere neutral. But this seems strange.

Unless you were planning on having a nice walk and a coffee then dropping it out of nowhere at the end?

Fwiw, I think you seem to have good insight in what's going on. I think in your situation it's best its done. But I suspect you sti can be talked round. I expect he will make promises and then not follow through.

On the hiding you, bit. I know loads of men who never take girlfriends home. Even when seeing them a while. But when they meet someone they see the future with, they dont wait. Its the same as men who often claim they dont eant to get married. Then end the relationship and get married quite quickly. They have all sorts of reasons why they don't do it. But the truth is, they would if they felt you were the right person for them.

Aprilx · 02/04/2022 07:39

@welshandconfused

He seems to have a good relationship with them from what he tells me.

The whole thing about him wanting to have children and also wanting to be with an older woman doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. He was surprised when I told him that women’s fertility decreases as they get old. So even if it wasn’t me, if he wants children with an older woman he’d have to first find one who wants children later in life and one who actually can. At 39 I feel like I could have another if it was with the right person, but deep down I know I’m knackered really!

Do you not think he is just being polite when he says he likes older women, you know because you are. Of course he knows that fertility declines with age, everybody knows this.

To the question in your thread title, probably as you seem to be taking it seriously. I don’t think this is a good match, two very different life stages.

DragonOverTheMoon · 02/04/2022 07:40

OP read codependent no more by Melanie beattie. I think there's a free audio book on youtube of it. Get codependency for dummies. Honestly it's so good, get audible for a free month trial and download it. Also should I stay or should I go, lundy bancroft, download scribd and get a free trial and read the pdf version they have. I found that I could pinpoint behaviours, communication and work out what I want and centre myself.

Sswhinesthebest · 02/04/2022 07:49

At 27 if you’d asked me, I didn’t know whether I wanted to settle down and have kids.I felt young and free and the long term future seemed a long way away.

By 30 I was beginning to panic I’d never meet anyone and I’d lose the chance to have the children I wanted!

He’s still young and his biological clock isn’t ticking. He hasn’t introduced you to his family and has explicitly said he sees no future with you.

I agree that you need to protect your own emotions. He might change his mind, he might not - but there isn’t any point hanging around to wait.

Hairbear2 · 02/04/2022 08:34

The way I see it- you say you have no intention of jumping into anything like that again. If you have told him this, he might think that’s what you want, nothing long term. He might be putting his defences up and trying not to look needy. Tell him how you feel about him and that you might want long term, if that’s what you want. He might feel the same but afraid to admit it.
My boyfriend took a very long time to introduce me to His parents and friends, he’s 10 years younger than me and I have kids, was just separated when we got together. I think he was waiting to make sure it was going somewhere/going to be long term. Yes I gave up several times. Worked out in the end.