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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This will end in heartbreak for me won’t it?

162 replies

welshandconfused · 01/04/2022 13:16

I’m separated from my husband and have a 3 year old DS. I met a guy before Christmas who’s 12 years younger than me (I’m 39) and we’ve been seeing each other since.

Last week we started to have the conversation about what was going on between us and he said he sees me as a good friend he enjoys having sex with. The things he’s said and done are not consistent with this e.g.

He messages me “Good morning beautiful” every morning and keeps in touch during the day.
He says he loves spending time with me and I make him happy.
He says he’s having the best sex of his life with me.
He comes over to my house and cooks dinner, we snuggle up on the sofa and chat a lot.
He’s always suggesting things to do together in the future e.g. in the summer and for his birthday in September.
He wants us to be exclusive.

However, despite all of the above he is also saying he doesn’t want anything long term… I’m still married and I’ve told him I have no intention of jumping into anything like that again, I’m certainly not looking for a stepdad for DS (who he hasn’t met) at such an early stage.

I always thought ‘friends with benefits’ (which is what he seems to think this is) didn’t include all the emotional attachment and affection we have for each other.

I can’t work out what’s going on with him. All the signs up until this week point towards him liking me a lot, but now I’m really confused and don’t know what to do next

OP posts:

PlainJaneEyre · 02/04/2022 11:58

@welshandconfused

I’ve told him we need to discuss things based on what was said last weekend, he agrees. He knows I was upset and we haven’t talked about it since so he wasn’t surprised when I suggested meeting up tomorrow. He says he’s been thinking things through but wants to say them to me in person.

I am going with an open mind. I know it’s really, really unlikely that he’ll want to make things official. So the best case scenario as I see it would be for us to end things but stay (not so close) friends where we see each other socially now and then

Of course he has been thinking things through - he realises he is losing his hold over you. He believes he has a silver tongue and he can talk you into staying with him. There is one thing that this kind of guy hates and it is the thought of you dumping him. I speak from experience. You still have hope in your heart I can see it. Best of luck today.

5128gap · 02/04/2022 12:03

@Vapeyvapevape

What do these young men see in women who are separated/divorced with child(children) in tow

Wtf !

Lol at the thought that men are such a rare prize they can be so choosy. Either the poster you quoted is a man thinking wishfully, or a woman who doesn't realise that for many of us, men are a dime a dozen, who bring comparatively little to the table themselves, and are lucky indeed to have us!

theschitt · 02/04/2022 17:55

To be fair on the young man in question, young good looking guys have women falling at the feet willing to do anything.
He's not necessarily manipulative, he's just taking advantage of what's on offer.
Sexually confidant woman, with her own place, with a young child - which means she's available but not too available, knows how to cook and entertain and isn't expecting much from the situation.

That's all fine. The problem arises when someone catches feelings (which is hardly surprising). However this young guy is very likely to be only entertaining the idea of settling down (with a younger woman or a woman his age) when he is in his 30s/40s. Most of us want or have children at some point, but the fact he still likes with us parents tells you what life stage he is at.

I think a tumble with unsuitable men/women post divorce is highly recommended - just don't fall for them!

Original poster

welshandconfused · 03/04/2022 09:43

He’s cancelled our meeting this afternoon as he’s not well and says he doesn’t want to give me whatever he’s got. He’s negative for covid.

The disappointment of him cancelling (even though it’s a fair reason) tells me that I’ve grown too attached to him and I really need to end this.

I thought it would be better to do it in person, but should I just get it over with by text instead?

OP posts:

Honeyroar · 03/04/2022 10:32

I would, or a phone call. As long as you’re not nasty I don’t think it needs to be done in person on a nice date.

PlainJaneEyre · 03/04/2022 10:35

This tells you all you need to know. He is avoiding talking to you about this as he of course wants to keep access to you but at no cost to himself. I'm so sorry but I would just end it by text /tell him it's not working for you and then block him as it is easier to get on with life without him popping up when HE fancies a shag when he has some free time or has had a drink. It's always about THEM and THEIR wants. It does hurt but it's been a learning experience for you. It shows you can have feelings for someone else again and you will in time meet someone else who is more worthy of that.

Vapeyvapevape · 03/04/2022 10:42

I would just text then block him. If you call the chances are he will talk you round.

Neongoddess · 03/04/2022 10:44

I might be wrong. But I think he is putting it off, hoping not seeing him will make you miss him and a certain whatever crumbs he offers you. Or he is just planning on diatjcunf and disappearing.

He knows you are bothered by the conversatation. He hasn't made any attempt to discuss it. Then is, coincidentally, ill when he suspects this converstation is going to happen.

Vapeyvapevape · 03/04/2022 10:45

I don't think he's unwell either, it's very convenient isn't it?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 03/04/2022 10:45

That speaks volumes. He doesn’t actually want to have the serious conversation you’ve requested as the current set up suits him well.

You need to do whatever you feel happiest doing; be that a text/call/back burner until he will meet. You seriously need to start considering yourself more-no one else will consider you until you do.

Vapeyvapevape · 03/04/2022 10:50

Also if he really wanted to continue this relationship and move forward properly as partners he could have had the conversation about it over the phone.

He's calling all the shots here , you have a say too Op, take control, honestly it might hurt initially but you will be glad in the long run.

5128gap · 03/04/2022 10:51

@theschitt

To be fair on the young man in question, young good looking guys have women falling at the feet willing to do anything. He's not necessarily manipulative, he's just taking advantage of what's on offer. Sexually confidant woman, with her own place, with a young child - which means she's available but not too available, knows how to cook and entertain and isn't expecting much from the situation.

I think a tumble with unsuitable men/women post divorce is highly recommended - just don't fall for them!

Young good looking guys do not have a queue of women who will do anything, and its just that sort of myth that makes them think they have the upper hand. Young good looking guys wanting this sort of arrangement vastly out number the women who will offer it. The OP is beautiful (he has told her this) and good company, so I can't imagine he will replace her anywhere near as easily as she could him.

Robin233 · 03/04/2022 11:36

Agree this is a good ego boost post divorce
But now , it just seems like he's using you (I know that sounds old fashioned)

I don't think he's Ill either.
And the bit about 'not liking cafes'

Glad you are starting to put yourself first

He's not showing you any respect

Yes text ihim 'it's been real fun but you can't see it working long term abs wish him all the best '

He'll probably try and talk you round

Unless he's offering to introduce you to his parents - it's all hot air - block.

MrFsAunt · 03/04/2022 11:57

Yes don't reward him with the respect of a phone call dumping OP.

A text dumping will suffice for someone that treats you like an option. And that's still quite nice of you.

PlainJaneEyre · 03/04/2022 12:05

treats you like an option @welshandconfused always remember this phrase time and time over. Someone treated me like this once but would keep on coming back at me when he felt like it until I blocked him. I was an option. I know that some people think they don't want to block as the person might change their mind. They won't and if they did they would find a way to see or speak to you.

PacificState · 03/04/2022 12:21

Only just read this thread and when I saw your post about him saying he wanted to say something to you today I thought 'he's going to end it'. Honestly OP at this point I would be super-honest and not recriminatory but definitely end it yourself, now (by phone not text). That way you come out of it feeling purposeful and honest, not like you've been played. It will still hurt! But you'll have your self-respect.

I've been where you are. Younger men are often really good at being upfront and honest about what they want (and good for them), but it's a bad dynamic when they're with an older woman who (as you've explained) maybe doesn't have as much recent practice in saying out loud 'I want to fall in love with someone and build a future'. So at the end everyone feels confused and sad and can't work out what's gone wrong.

I'll tell you what I wish I'd said when I was in this situation: 'I'm sorry to do this by phone and while you're feeling rotten anyway. But I really need to bring this to a close now, for my own sake. I've realised I'm in a different emotional place to where I thought I was. You haven't done anything wrong and I've really enjoyed our time together but I need to end this now and have some time to think about what I really want.' (He will then spend a long time telling you about his feelings too but don't feel obliged to stay on the call for ages! Five minutes is enough to end a FWB relationship)

PacificState · 03/04/2022 12:25

I wouldn't text. That's not really honouring what you've done and how you feel - for your own sake I'd try to do it properly, by phone. Show him how a grown-up, confident woman handles things. Show him (and more importantly yourself) that you can honestly acknowledge pain and sadness and disappointment, do the right thing and move on.

Sonaftersonafterson · 03/04/2022 12:26

Been in a very similar situation. Didnt listen to my gut.... or my fwb who made it pretty clear.... and ended up very hurt.

Take a step back.

SausagePourHomme · 03/04/2022 12:38

text is better. By phone or in person he'll say all the right things to string you along. Don't give him this opportunity. Quick and clean - bosh.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 03/04/2022 13:17

My friend married someone 13 years younger than herself, she was 39, he was 26. He bombarded her with holidays, jewellery, nights out, weekends away. They got married within about a year. He then rose quite rapidly in his career - she had a 14 year old son from her first marriage. They did buy a large house in a very nice area due to his job and salary. He cheated on her repeatedly, and then told her he was leaving her for 'Sally' who was 'the one'. Sally then cheated on him which I thought was justice well served. She took a long time to recover from his betrayal.

Original poster

welshandconfused · 03/04/2022 13:31

I’m going to call him later once ds has gone to his dad’s. I just feel that’s the best way to do it. He is a nice guy and has been good company so I feel I owe him a conversation at least.
Also the last time I saw him I was upset so I want the last time he hears me speaking for me to be confident and sure of my words

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 03/04/2022 14:05

@welshandconfused

I’m going to call him later once ds has gone to his dad’s. I just feel that’s the best way to do it. He is a nice guy and has been good company so I feel I owe him a conversation at least. Also the last time I saw him I was upset so I want the last time he hears me speaking for me to be confident and sure of my words

I agree, it is the best way. Especially if you, like me, tend to become a bit 'tearful' in a stressful situation. For some reason I can remain much calmer over the phone, maybe it's because I can walk around or grab and hold on to something. Also, it's much easier to end a difficult conversation over the phone. Say your piece, and say goodbye.

One other thing, be very wary if he suddenly says he wants to 'get serious' or some version of 'maybe we have a future'. Some men will say what a woman wants to hear in order to continue getting their 'needs' met.

Successgirl2022 · 03/04/2022 14:22

I've always known that FWBs would NEVER work for me personally,

It's ALL or nothing for me.

Discountclaimed · 03/04/2022 14:23

Good luck OP.

I know it’s tempting to be cruel or hurtful and get the upper hand but my advice would be to be genuine, calm and direct. Do the broken record if you have to.

Successgirl2022 · 03/04/2022 14:23

And I would definitely never be anyone's second best.,

My position in relations/marriage is always number 1 and exclusive only.

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