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Original poster

This will end in heartbreak for me won’t it?

162 replies

welshandconfused · 01/04/2022 13:16

I’m separated from my husband and have a 3 year old DS. I met a guy before Christmas who’s 12 years younger than me (I’m 39) and we’ve been seeing each other since.

Last week we started to have the conversation about what was going on between us and he said he sees me as a good friend he enjoys having sex with. The things he’s said and done are not consistent with this e.g.

He messages me “Good morning beautiful” every morning and keeps in touch during the day.
He says he loves spending time with me and I make him happy.
He says he’s having the best sex of his life with me.
He comes over to my house and cooks dinner, we snuggle up on the sofa and chat a lot.
He’s always suggesting things to do together in the future e.g. in the summer and for his birthday in September.
He wants us to be exclusive.

However, despite all of the above he is also saying he doesn’t want anything long term… I’m still married and I’ve told him I have no intention of jumping into anything like that again, I’m certainly not looking for a stepdad for DS (who he hasn’t met) at such an early stage.

I always thought ‘friends with benefits’ (which is what he seems to think this is) didn’t include all the emotional attachment and affection we have for each other.

I can’t work out what’s going on with him. All the signs up until this week point towards him liking me a lot, but now I’m really confused and don’t know what to do next

OP posts:
Original poster
welshandconfused · 02/04/2022 09:16

I’ve told him we need to discuss things based on what was said last weekend, he agrees. He knows I was upset and we haven’t talked about it since so he wasn’t surprised when I suggested meeting up tomorrow. He says he’s been thinking things through but wants to say them to me in person.

I am going with an open mind. I know it’s really, really unlikely that he’ll want to make things official. So the best case scenario as I see it would be for us to end things but stay (not so close) friends where we see each other socially now and then

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 02/04/2022 09:20

Op I think that’s the best decision for you. Centre yourself and not relationships. Take some time to really prioritise yourself and all the other amazing parts of life Good luck

Musttryharder2021 · 02/04/2022 09:31

As a side point, you seem to be awfully emotionally invested in something that's clearly going nowhere. How do you find the headspace and time for this when you have a young child?

Vapeyvapevape · 02/04/2022 09:39

I wish you well Op but personally I would cut all ties , even if you remain friends who see each other now and again, I reckon he will still take up way too much of your headspace and prevent you from getting on with life and meeting someone who can give you what you want without all this angst.

Tamworth123 · 02/04/2022 09:39

@CoalTit

He wants us to be exclusive. Then he doesn't want to be FWB, does he. I've spent plenty of time with men who contradict themselves and play this sort of game. No matter what I did, including not sleeping with them and not being jealous when they told me about the women who did sleep with them, it always ended up in a dramatic falling out.
Several people have said it can't be FWB if it's exclusive- why not??!!

Lots of people want an exclusive FWB, for one thing (even with condoms) the fastest way to get infected with an std is to shag someone who's snagging others ar the same time, there's not even a lag period for ppl to have symptoms and get tested

FWB and being exclusive (as a FWB) are not in any way mutually exclusive.

5128gap · 02/04/2022 09:42

@Musttryharder2021

As a side point, you seem to be awfully emotionally invested in something that's clearly going nowhere. How do you find the headspace and time for this when you have a young child?
Astonishing as it may seem, some women are capable of holding more than one thought in their minds at a time! Some of us even manage to combine a demanding career with having a young child, never mind giving some thought to our adult relationships. Must have missed the memo that having a young child means switching off the part of the brain that enables multi tasking.
Tamworth123 · 02/04/2022 09:43

It means fuck all, other than that you're agreeing not to gave other FWBs/ONS's/sexual partners at the same time.

Thinking it means a. They want more than FWB if they want exclusivity is a fallacy, and

B. That they "can't" have FWB and be exclusive is a fallacy.

In any case, I'd point out that some people who require exclusivity in any kind of relationship including fWB are perhaps rather more "sincere" about applying than up their partner, than themselves.

Tamworth123 · 02/04/2022 09:45

*applying than to their partner, than themselves

Tamworth123 · 02/04/2022 09:49

Op, no offence, but he's said it loud and clear.

You've misunderstood/misinterpreted his other behaviour.

You said he said it's the best sex he's had - like that means he must see it as a real relationship that's going somewhere; it doesbt mean anything other than he thinks its the best sex he's had so far.

You've mentioned the cuddling, time together, messages, affection - some ppl.act like that when they're in a fwb situation. It's just the way they are.
If they say they don't want an ltr, thats going somewhere, they don't. Its that simple.

Original poster
welshandconfused · 02/04/2022 09:50

@Musttryharder2021

As a side point, you seem to be awfully emotionally invested in something that's clearly going nowhere. How do you find the headspace and time for this when you have a young child?
I work part time and share custody of DS 60/40 with my stbxh. So I have quite a bit of free time to myself when DS isn’t here/has gone to bed. Although I admit I have spent far too much time thinking/analysing this and that definitely needs to change
OP posts:
Tamworth123 · 02/04/2022 09:52

It is somewhat misleading and cruel to the other person, but unfortunately misunderstandings like this and disappointments like this are a common thing in all relationships.

Youbwerebr on the sane page, by the sounds of it.

Now he's clarified hos position, you know that.

Painful for you, and you need to gtfo of there if you want to not get hurt(more).

Tamworth123 · 02/04/2022 09:54

*You weren't on the same page

shivermetimbers77 · 02/04/2022 10:01

I have been in a similar situation OP, so you have my sympathy. To be honest, I often envy people who can just enjoy FWBs for what they are and remain in the moment with no expectations.. sounds lovely but I just can’t do that. If I like someone enough to want to spend loads of time with them, laughing, cuddling and having sex, then it’s almost inevitable that I will want the relationship to progress. I have accepted that as something about myself now (and I’m sure many other people are similar) and am not putting myself in the position of having another FWB again as it’s just not for me at this time in my life. Good luck OP, do what is right for you.

Neongoddess · 02/04/2022 10:32

@welshandconfused

I’ve told him we need to discuss things based on what was said last weekend, he agrees. He knows I was upset and we haven’t talked about it since so he wasn’t surprised when I suggested meeting up tomorrow. He says he’s been thinking things through but wants to say them to me in person.

I am going with an open mind. I know it’s really, really unlikely that he’ll want to make things official. So the best case scenario as I see it would be for us to end things but stay (not so close) friends where we see each other socially now and then

Ah sorry I thought you meant you were ending it.

I think, tbh, you will end up breaking your own heart

Chances are he will make some promises to you. He will say its a relationship and he mis spoke or just wasn't ready, thought you weren't ready etc. But I suspect in 6 months you will find yourself in the same position.

You don't talk to a fwb about how they are exactly what they are looking for in a spouse. You don't lead them to believe its something more then shut it down by pretending it was fwb all along.

You know his misled you. If you let him do it again, you will be breaking your own heart.

That said, sometimes it's worth the risk. Sometimes the risk pays off. Even if you don't know if it has years down the line.

You can only do what you think is best for you at the time.

MrFsAunt · 02/04/2022 10:37

Tbh honest OP I think for him, as much as he's attracted to you now and enjoying all the benefits of a relationship with you, somewhere in his mind the age difference factors and he knows he's not ready yet for settling down, having children etc Most likely when he is you might be, say, in your fifties at least?

If you can enjoy this for what it is and live in the present then great but if not I'd start backing off now to avoid being properly hurt.

Clymene · 02/04/2022 10:40

Have you ever done anything outside with him before? I'm wondering if he's saying he doesn't want to go to a cafe in case he sees someone he knows?

Catlitterqueen · 02/04/2022 10:56

This happened to me before I met DH.
I now think the person in question was keeping his options open incase someone ‘better’ came along!
He was honest about not wanting a relationship although we did things like have days out together, have meals out I was always his friend never his girlfriend.
I thought as time passed I could convince him otherwise and got hurt in the process.
I’m sorry OP it doesn’t sound like he has the emotional maturity or experience to commit no matter how much you wish for it.

Musttryharder2021 · 02/04/2022 11:04

@Hairbear2

The way I see it- you say you have no intention of jumping into anything like that again. If you have told him this, he might think that’s what you want, nothing long term. He might be putting his defences up and trying not to look needy. Tell him how you feel about him and that you might want long term, if that’s what you want. He might feel the same but afraid to admit it. My boyfriend took a very long time to introduce me to His parents and friends, he’s 10 years younger than me and I have kids, was just separated when we got together. I think he was waiting to make sure it was going somewhere/going to be long term. Yes I gave up several times. Worked out in the end.
What do these young men see in women who are separated/divorced with child(children) in tow?
Vapeyvapevape · 02/04/2022 11:07

What do these young men see in women who are separated/divorced with child(children) in tow

Wtf !

Musttryharder2021 · 02/04/2022 11:15

@Vapeyvapevape

What do these young men see in women who are separated/divorced with child(children) in tow

Wtf !

Yes! What exactly! It's just baggage they don't need long term..and evidently more often than not, a short term time filler/fling until someone without commitments comes along...
supercali77 · 02/04/2022 11:20

@Musttryharder2021 what do these very together and experienced women capable of holding down jobs and raising kids see in someone younger with less life experience and capability

CoalTit · 02/04/2022 11:22

You've misunderstood/misinterpreted his other behaviour.
That's understandable, when he love bombs her and asks her to be monogamous and he doesn't bother to mention at the time that he's only in it for the short term.
I think OP still believes he's going to act in good faith and agree to take her needs and wants into consideration, and she will be very disappointed, while he gets an ego boost out of her reluctance to end it and move on.

PancakePenelope · 02/04/2022 11:23

OP my advice is to only listen to what he says and not how he acts. Many of us have been dicked about by men acting one way and saying something entirely different. It only goes one way; when it's time for them to quickly move on (because they get bored/ you start acting like a long term GF or someone else catches their eye) they hit you with the old "I told you I didn't want anything serious" and absolve themselves of al responsibility for the upset their actions cause.
I know this is very harsh and not what you want to hear, I am sorry but I am trying to save you heartbreak in the long term.
He enjoys the feeling of being in a serious relationship, the cooking for someone, the sex, the staying at your house instead of being at his parents but he is being clear that he does not want this serious relationship with you. He is having a little game, playing at being a good boyfriend whilst keeping his eyes peeled for the person he actually does want to spend his life with.

user1471538283 · 02/04/2022 11:26

I would end it now. It feels like you are a stop gap until what he wants comes along.

PancakePenelope · 02/04/2022 11:30

The really frustrating bit is that if you realise you're better off without him before his little game ends you won't even have the satisfaction of dumping him because he doesn't feel that he's in a relationship with you anyway!

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