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Original poster

This will end in heartbreak for me won’t it?

162 replies

welshandconfused · 01/04/2022 13:16

I’m separated from my husband and have a 3 year old DS. I met a guy before Christmas who’s 12 years younger than me (I’m 39) and we’ve been seeing each other since.

Last week we started to have the conversation about what was going on between us and he said he sees me as a good friend he enjoys having sex with. The things he’s said and done are not consistent with this e.g.

He messages me “Good morning beautiful” every morning and keeps in touch during the day.
He says he loves spending time with me and I make him happy.
He says he’s having the best sex of his life with me.
He comes over to my house and cooks dinner, we snuggle up on the sofa and chat a lot.
He’s always suggesting things to do together in the future e.g. in the summer and for his birthday in September.
He wants us to be exclusive.

However, despite all of the above he is also saying he doesn’t want anything long term… I’m still married and I’ve told him I have no intention of jumping into anything like that again, I’m certainly not looking for a stepdad for DS (who he hasn’t met) at such an early stage.

I always thought ‘friends with benefits’ (which is what he seems to think this is) didn’t include all the emotional attachment and affection we have for each other.

I can’t work out what’s going on with him. All the signs up until this week point towards him liking me a lot, but now I’m really confused and don’t know what to do next

OP posts:
Fluffymule · 01/04/2022 14:12

He has stated that he sees your relationship as ‘friends enjoying sex’. It seems like you are trying to fit what you call his ‘actions’ into something that contradicts his words when it probably doesn’t.

The only one of the six examples you give that are not typical FWB actions is saying he wants to be exclusive - although some FWBs are exclusive by agreement in until either partner meets someone they actually do want a ‘proper’ relationship with.

And it could be that for him. He doesn’t see you as a permanent relationship, but you are good friends, have fun and good sex. So, until he meets someone that he feels is a long term relationship prospect, he’s happy to keep sexually exclusive.

At least he is being honest. It gives you the chance to consider whether this is also what you want.

Listen to what he is saying, not what you might want him to be saying, or can infer through your interpretation of other things.

Then listen to how you feel about that. If you want more then also be honest with him. You may need to accept that you are both on different pages here, and that doesn’t make either of you bad people.

Afterallsbeensaidanddone · 01/04/2022 14:13

I think he is just a bit of a bletherer. Move on.

cookiemonster2468 · 01/04/2022 14:13

He's telling you how he feels, so listen.

He doesn't want a full relationship with you.

As much as you wish he did, and it feels that way for you, he is spelling out for you that that is not what he wants.

I don't know about 'end in heartbreak' I think you're already there really because you are attached but he is not seeing it that way.

You could save yourself some hurt perhaps by breaking up with him now, but it sounds like that will be hard for you :(

Neongoddess · 01/04/2022 14:14

Sounds like he knows what he is doing. Saying and acting in a way that makes you think it's going somewhere.

Then tells you straight its FWB.

Doesn't anyone say 'oh yeah what I really look for in a future spouse is for them to be older'. Usually, people meet people. Like them, fall in love and marry. Sounds like he saying this to make you believe its long term and serious. Then tells you he didn't know women's fertility declines as they get older? Really? Surely he isnt that dim.

The problem here is that if yiu vreak it off he will fees you more of the 'but your ideal, I would definitely marry you, nah it doesn't matter about kids etc' so he can continue to see you and then do all this again.

nancywhitehead · 01/04/2022 14:18

[quote welshandconfused]@ILoveYou3000 you’re right - my best friends view of FWB is more like mine. A friend you sometimes have sex with when you feel like it. Not all the affection and effort we’ve both been putting into this (initiated by him I might add!)[/quote]
You obviously have different definitions of this term, and tbh the term 'Friends with Benefits' is so fraught with complexities and difficulties, it's never really obvious what it actually means.

You are probably better off doing away with the FWB label altogether and talking about the relationship rather than labelling it with a word that carries different meaning for each of you.

It's clear that some people can have much more of an emotional attachment/ depth to a relationship before they consider it 'serious'. You two are on different wavelengths here and it doesn't sound like it's going to end well.

Googlecanthelpme · 01/04/2022 14:22

It doesn’t really matter what his FWB definition is, he’s told you that he doesn’t want a serious commitment. You also said you don’t want a serious commitment and if that were true, it wouldn’t be a problem.

But clearly that is not true because you’re already scared of being hurt by him.

I’ve had a relationship with a younger man, similar age gap and it was lush for quite a few years. We started casual and ended up very serious, but the cracks did appear when it came to the baby conversation and we weren’t on the same page eventually.

I don’t regret those years but I wouldn’t do it again now, I am very honest about what I want and wouldn’t play the “cool girlfriend”

The thing is OP, even if you get your heartbroken? So what, you’ll dust yourself off and crack on. You could end it now or you could see what happens and yes potentially get hurt - but life isn’t about protecting yourself from being hurt, it’s about living.
All I would say is if you do carry on, do it under total honesty. Don’t say you’re cool with causal shagging if you’re not.

picklemewalnuts · 01/04/2022 14:26

He's getting the full 'girlfriend' experience. It's enjoyable, positive and pleasant. All the benefits of a relationship without the commitment.

A bit more than hookups. Not a committed or future looking relationship.

Beamur · 01/04/2022 14:28

He likes you and enjoys your company. But he doesn't see you as his gf and this is not a long term commitment.
The secrecy alone screams that I'm afraid.

CaMePlaitPas · 01/04/2022 14:39

You're too old to be examining and analysing this like you're a love sick teen. He hasn't told anyone about you because you're a FWB, it's not deep. Don't take this too seriously, have fun, enjoy the sex and the company but don't expect anything long term.

aSofaNearYou · 01/04/2022 14:41

@CaMePlaitPas

You're too old to be examining and analysing this like you're a love sick teen. He hasn't told anyone about you because you're a FWB, it's not deep. Don't take this too seriously, have fun, enjoy the sex and the company but don't expect anything long term.
But then why isn't he not taking it too seriously, and is asking for exclusivity instead? It's hypocritical to expect things to be casual but want exclusivity from somebody.
MadinMarch · 01/04/2022 14:43

You told him you're not looking for marriage/ longterm relationship again, or a father figure for your ds. You've therefore defined the limits of the relationship already as far as you're concerned.
Are you sure he's not just saying what he thinks you want to hear?
If he said he wanted something longterm with you, then he stands the risk of you telling him that you've already said you don't want that, and of you finishing with him...

AcrossthePond55 · 01/04/2022 14:43

What he means by 'not long term' is that you're 'Ms Right Now' and he's still looking around for 'Ms Right' and he's decided she's not you. But at least he's been honest about it.

You're already in much further than you should be emotionally for any type of 'casual' relationship, be it dating or FWB. If I were you I'd end it now. Even if one goes into the situation with eyes open, having one's heart broken is never fun. Why subject yourself to it for the sake of a few cuddles and some companionship?

Vapeyvapevape · 01/04/2022 14:45

Sounds like you're just an option to him and he's keeping you on your toes until someone else comes along. Flowers

theonlygirl · 01/04/2022 14:51

@ILoveYou3000

I have a male friend who told me a long time ago, when I called his FWB his gf in conversation, this is exactly how men see FWB. All the best bits of a relationship without the commitment. They want you to be exclusive to them while being able to very quickly move on if they meet someone better. They want someone they can spend time with, have a laugh with, get on well with and have great sex with while being free of any expectation.

Basically his view of FWB was completely different to mine and our other (female) friend's.

A perfect explanation of how he sees things. You either need to accept it, enjoy the here and now and prepare for the day when he will move on, or end it. Or you will get hurt.
Moonshine5 · 01/04/2022 14:53

OP, believe him if that's what he's told you. He sounds like a nice person and the tonic you needed after the separation. Deep down it sounds like you do seek a little more than FWB (i.e. telling people about you), which is perfectly natural. With all due respect he appears to be dressing it up by saying lovely things to you which I'm sure are sincere. Ultimately currently as it stands who ever he sees his future with its not you. Sorry.
Find someone who wants to build one with you.
Someone who would be proud to tell people you are their partner. Clearly you are worth that. Good luck.

5128gap · 01/04/2022 14:53

@CaMePlaitPas

You're too old to be examining and analysing this like you're a love sick teen. He hasn't told anyone about you because you're a FWB, it's not deep. Don't take this too seriously, have fun, enjoy the sex and the company but don't expect anything long term.
So, at what age should a woman stop questioning a man's behaviour, and gratefully accept and enjoy whatever he decides to offer, even when his behaviour appears contradictory to his words? Because I'm a lot older than the OP, and if I thought I was being treated in a way that conflicted with what I'd been told, I'd be questioning it too.
CafeCremeMerci · 01/04/2022 14:54

@gamerchick

You can't have Feb and exclusive in the same sentence and he needs to be told this. It's one or the other. If you meet someone else then you consider yourself single if casual is what you're doing.

Spell it out.

Yes you can IF that's what you BOTH want.

No one else gets to define your relationship boundaries!

JangolinaPitt · 01/04/2022 14:58

Relationships now are much more fluid and what people want them to be rather than having to be officially defined. If you are enjoying the moment just let it happen. If you are unhappy with it, end it. You have the advantage of having already had your child -that is massive! I feel so grateful that having already had my children I am not looking for the father of my children and am so much happier than when I was single with no kids.
Just enjoy him, but be open to another partner if/when he moves on

MuggleMadness · 01/04/2022 15:06

[quote welshandconfused]@ILoveYou3000 you’re right - my best friends view of FWB is more like mine. A friend you sometimes have sex with when you feel like it. Not all the affection and effort we’ve both been putting into this (initiated by him I might add!)[/quote]
@welshandconfused

All FWB relationships are different & are defined by the two people in it. Don't worry about what they 'should' look like.

In your situation I think you need to tell him it's over, because you're going to get massively hurt down the line. I think he obviously likes you & enjoys the time you spend together (& the sex) and he probably does feel more for you than 'friend', but he's been very clear it's not going anywhere.

He's only 27, I think at 27 & 39 there's a LOT of differences in where you're at. He's not yet ready to make a commitment & I think when he is it'll be with someone more his own age (despite what he says now about an older woman)

Also that would annoy me a bit too, it's almost like he likes you because you're older, not because you're YOU (and just happen to be older).

You're wasting time on something that's going nowhere & frankly, life's too short for that! 🌸

1forAll74 · 01/04/2022 15:09

He seems to be liking the home comforts, and the dreamy times with you, and obviously the sex, but somewhat edging away from any long time commitment. I guess you won't really know this man properly, after the short time of knowing him, and the age difference may make a difference to how he views relationships, and want's one that suits only Him for the time being.

He may tell you things and be nice to you, but maybe just be stringing you along with his sweet talk at the moment. Some people will use all kinds of tactics to keep people interested, and then change suddenly if they feel like doing so.

I think you need to know people much longer, to measure their worth, before getting too hooked up with them.

SunflowerTed · 01/04/2022 15:13

He’s only 27 so I can see where he is coming from. I think you are falling for him and now want more - I don’t blame you - he sounds lovely. I can’t really advise but I suppose you have the choices - end it now and don’t waste your time? I think you know that Fwb isn’t really you after all ?.Possibly see where it goes but prepared to maybe get hurt ? See where it goes and hope that he falls in love and wants to be with you? Wish you well x

Honeyroar · 01/04/2022 15:16

He probably knows deep down that he’ll want a family in the future. He’s young, perhaps not for another ten years (he’d still be a reasonably aged father). But those ten years, even five, would count you out.. So he’s probably right in thinking what you have is an “at the moment” relationship rather than a forever one. And that possibly why he hasn’t told his parents or many friends.

Moonface123 · 01/04/2022 15:21

l would run a mile before you get into something you find really difficult to get out of.
He' s put his cards on the table as in you' ll do for now, but don' t expect anything more, so he' s covered his tracks nicely.
He sounds immature and uninterested in having a meaningful relationship but enjoying the sexual side. Take sex out of the equation and your not left with much. If your happy with that all well and good but it sounds like you are looking for more than what he is willing to give.

Jellybellyfun88 · 01/04/2022 15:25

He is enjoying the girlfriend experience, without having a girlfriend. Plenty of men do this.

Sorry OP, he's been very clear. Get out now before your feelings are hurt even more. Find someone you can have a meaningful relationship with.

Neverreturntoathread · 01/04/2022 15:30

I think what he’s ‘diplomatically’ trying to say is that he is having a lovely time with you for now but sees no long term future with you.

You’re friends who have great sex and an exclusive affectionate social relationship, but to him, you are not his ‘girlfriend’ because a girlfriend would be auditioning for the role of wife and mother.

My guess is that he expects to one day marry someone who he can start a family with.