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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has decreed that...

625 replies

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 11:11

... he is far too important to carry a house key any more. This means apparently, that I am now responsible for ensuring he is not locked out the house ever. If I have the audacity to not be in when he requires to be let in, I have to ensure a key is left in a safe location and that he is informed of this. Also, if he leaves for work, often at 5/6 am, the house will remain unlocked until I drag my lazy ass out of bed to either lock the door or get up for the day.... or we get burgled! Honestly, I wish this was an april fool's....

OP posts:
incompetentcervix · 01/04/2022 12:08

My husband did this a couple of times.

He has since learned.

Heronwatcher · 01/04/2022 12:09

Change the locks ASAP. Keep all the new keys. If necessary tell him that you lost your keys and oh what a shame he doesn’t have one. Then kick him out and don’t let him back in, including having friends/ family in the house night and day if you think you might give in and also calling the police if he harasses you. Put his stuff in his car boot and chuck the key through the window. Poetic justice for the abusive bastard.

layladomino · 01/04/2022 12:10

So pleased you've had your eyes opened to it OP. And laughing at him is a really powerful thing to do.

Someone who is so entitled, arrogant and pompous really wouldn't like being laughed at, but it's also the best thing you can do. (Don't do it in front of him if there's any chance you wouldn't be safe of course).

You've found your resolve. You have support here. Do you have any IRL?

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 12:11

@lborgia

I got a shiver down my back reading this - obviously it can’t be the person I was with, because that would be bonkers, but something about the joggers, and your blind trust for the past 20 years ..

Anyway, I’m so relieved you have seen the light. Would it be too nosy to ask what the last straw (only straw?!) was?

Not nosey at all. Was the second part of his affair. I found a hair on his top, told him I knew he had been with her. He lied, called me stupid told me he would never do that. Then I found an email from her left on the computer detailing it all. When I confronted him about specific bits in the email, he called her crazy and a liar and said none of it was true. And it was like someone wiped my brain clear and the realisation hit me like a ton of bricks. Now I can go back over the last 20 years and see him just how awful it's been. And what a total mug I have been.
OP posts:
Chikapu · 01/04/2022 12:11

I decree that your husband is an absolute twat. No way should you be turning round and coming back to let him, who the hell does he think he is?

PoppyWoods · 01/04/2022 12:13

What about car keys or fobs?

This surely isn't real, who would be with a twat like this?

Thinkingblonde · 01/04/2022 12:13

In the meantime, while you’re still there and he’s refusing to lock up when he leaves for work consider changing the lock for a Yale lock, unlike a Mortice lock it locks the door when closed. Just remember to put the little catch (sneck) on so you don’t lock yourself out when putting the bins out for example. At least you won’t have to get up to ensure you and your kids safety.

grapewines · 01/04/2022 12:14

Next time he calls and expects you to run back to let him in because he is disinterested in being a functioning adult with a house key, you should read this thread back.

You really do need to get much more angry. There is nothing funny about this.

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 12:15

The thing that set it in stone for me to have to leave was after he spent 20 minutes ranting at me about how I bought the most awful cakes and how I'm such a terrible person (they were nice m and s cakes) and chewing on them and spitting them out in disgust in front of my children that my 9 year old daughter made me a card to say she liked the cakes to cheer me up as she "felt sorry" for me. I have to teach my girls they cant be treated even close to this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 12:16

@incompetentcervix

My husband did this a couple of times.

He has since learned.

I cant believe there are so many more like him!!! Maybe we need a poll of how many women have tried it.... I'd guess 0
OP posts:
Mythologies · 01/04/2022 12:18

You are NOT a mug.
He is abusive. That is entirely on him - not you - you are ok.
Can I recommend this book
It saved my life

Justkeeppedaling · 01/04/2022 12:18

Does he use a car key, or is he too important for that too?

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 12:19

@PoppyWoods

What about car keys or fobs?

This surely isn't real, who would be with a twat like this?

His car is controlled by his phone. Sadly this is the reality of my life. Feel free to check my user name if you require further proof I am the total loser that I am....
OP posts:
Silverclocks · 01/04/2022 12:20

At least you won't need to change the locks...

FlibbertyGibbitt · 01/04/2022 12:20

is he 12 ?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/04/2022 12:21

OP there is some sad stuff in your previous posts.

Your wedding night Sad

I'm glad you are waking up to this.

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 12:21

@layladomino

So pleased you've had your eyes opened to it OP. And laughing at him is a really powerful thing to do.

Someone who is so entitled, arrogant and pompous really wouldn't like being laughed at, but it's also the best thing you can do. (Don't do it in front of him if there's any chance you wouldn't be safe of course).

You've found your resolve. You have support here. Do you have any IRL?

Yes hed hate to be laughed at and to think I dont worship him. Thank you. Yes I have good rl support!
OP posts:
Peppapigforlife · 01/04/2022 12:23

At least he has made it easier for you to kick him out.

Dozycuntlaters · 01/04/2022 12:24

Oh OP he sounds draining, and a total knob. When you say you are not quite ready to leave, are you actually making plans?

I know it's difficult but you need to stop caring. If he is locked out, then he will just have to wait till you get home. Either turn off you phone or if you can't then either tell him no I'm not coming home to let you in, you'll just have to wait. It is another way to control you and it's abuse.

You only get one life, and it is never quite time to leave (believe me it took me 25 years before I snapped) but please, for you and your girls try and go as soon as possible, you will all be much happier for it.

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 12:24

@FlibbertyGibbitt

is he 12 ?
My 12 year old manages her key just fine!! As I'm sure every typical 12 year old can. But he is too important for shit like this!!
OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 01/04/2022 12:24

Yes hed hate to be laughed at and to think I dont worship him.

He's weaker than you think, OP. He's nothing.

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 12:25

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

OP there is some sad stuff in your previous posts.

Your wedding night Sad

I'm glad you are waking up to this.

Damn it. I dont cry anymore. But this has set me off.....
OP posts:
BrightonBunny · 01/04/2022 12:25

OK, we have established he is a wankbadger of the highest lowest order.

OP - can we help you to get out sooner? What's holding you back/delaying things?

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 12:26

@Mythologies

You are NOT a mug. He is abusive. That is entirely on him - not you - you are ok. Can I recommend this book It saved my life
Flowers

I'll have a read, thanks

OP posts:
LongCOVID · 01/04/2022 12:26

"You don't have a key, so you don't live here anymore" works for me.