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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband has decreed that...

625 replies

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 11:11

... he is far too important to carry a house key any more. This means apparently, that I am now responsible for ensuring he is not locked out the house ever. If I have the audacity to not be in when he requires to be let in, I have to ensure a key is left in a safe location and that he is informed of this. Also, if he leaves for work, often at 5/6 am, the house will remain unlocked until I drag my lazy ass out of bed to either lock the door or get up for the day.... or we get burgled! Honestly, I wish this was an april fool's....

OP posts:
wtfisgoingonhere21 · 01/04/2022 11:26

Ffs why did you go back??

You told him you would be out so it's his problem.

LemonViolet · 01/04/2022 11:26

Next time that happens, he can come and collect the key from you at work. Don’t put yourself out.

Why is he doing this? Does he lose keys? Is there some kind of issue he has that means this is especially difficult for him?

I lose keys. Repeatedly. I do think I probably have ADHD. I now physically attach keys to my bag/myself/my dog lead as I leave the house, after having to call family members with spare keys on an embarrassing number of occasions. I only remember to attach them because there are an obnoxious amount of mini caribiners attached to All Possible Things to prompt me. I’d love to have a keysafe or smart lock instead but security conscious DP is against it. I can see a knobhead entitled bloke deciding to delegate the key issue rather than taking responsibility themselves, if they found it as challenging as I do.

Smart door lock - one that takes key code rather than a physical key - would be ideal IMO.

Or, if this is just one tiny facet of his knobheaddery, he could always go and live somewhere else.

Silversprinkles · 01/04/2022 11:27

@Bogiesaremyonlyfriend

His reasoning is literally he doesnt want to have to bother with one anymore. Keys are old fashioned and he is too important to have to think about how he will get into his own house, also, I should be here at all times in my apron and high heels ready to give him a hero's welcome every time he wants to come back to his castle.....
Please tell me you're making plans to divorce the stupid cunt.
LemonViolet · 01/04/2022 11:29

OK I was really slow typing (and got distracted mid post lol)…..seeing the further posts OP. OMG. Glad you’re leaving the twat. Power to your elbow. Continue to rant away!

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 11:31

Tried to add a reply but I'm not sure it has posted. Yes, this is just sadly the tip of the iceberg and the iceberg is colossal. Least I've realised now and can laugh at his fuckwittery, previously it would have crushed my poor weak soul to have been such an awful let down and I'd have to work harder to prove my worthiness.....

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 01/04/2022 11:32

@Bogiesaremyonlyfriend

His reasoning is literally he doesnt want to have to bother with one anymore. Keys are old fashioned and he is too important to have to think about how he will get into his own house, also, I should be here at all times in my apron and high heels ready to give him a hero's welcome every time he wants to come back to his castle.....
Delightful.

Glad to hear you’re leaving. Do so ASAP. Lock the door behind you.

stripeyflowers · 01/04/2022 11:32

Let him decree whatever he wants to. He has the right.

Fortunately, so do you.

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 11:32

@wtfisgoingonhere21

Ffs why did you go back??

You told him you would be out so it's his problem.

Because I am weak!! Its pathetic and I hate myself for it, but old habits die hard and I'm only a few weeks into realising I've been abused for nearly 20 years. I dont always get it right yet, but I'm trying.
OP posts:
bigknickersbigknockers · 01/04/2022 11:33

He sounds like a proper bell end.

dfendyr · 01/04/2022 11:34

so repeat after me "hahaha"

Topseyt · 01/04/2022 11:34

I would be making absolutely certain that I would usually be out whenever he returned to demand access and nor would I come back specially to let the fuckwit in.

My daughters could manage to take keys out with them when they were still at school. Once or twice they accidentally forgot, which I can accept, but they learned quickly. So can your DH, he just doesn't want to because he thinks it is your job to service his every whim. So don't.

dfendyr · 01/04/2022 11:34

and turn off your phone when you are out

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/04/2022 11:35

Please stop doing this. He can collect a key from your work next time, make a copy of it and return it to your work.

Beachsidesunset · 01/04/2022 11:36

You need to get angrier.

romany4 · 01/04/2022 11:36

You should then decree that you are also too important to carry a door key.
What's he going to do about the situation then??

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 11:38

@LemonViolet

OK I was really slow typing (and got distracted mid post lol)…..seeing the further posts OP. OMG. Glad you’re leaving the twat. Power to your elbow. Continue to rant away!
He has never had any issues with losing keys or being unable to manage the hardship in the past. He just hadnt realised he could delegate the task to me and add it to my mountain of stuff to do instead of his, now he has more time to do as he pleases and someone to blame when his life isnt the absolute perfect dream he expects me to make it. I'm not even allowed to wear jogging pants when he is in the house, else I run the risk of him being unattracted to me and therefore off to seek someone else with nicer attire
OP posts:
IceVolcanoes · 01/04/2022 11:38

Given your updates, clearly just showing him the door and changing the locks would be the best course of action. Then he’ll have no need to carry a key for your house.

He can be too important to carry keys to his own. And see how that works out for him.

sleepymum50 · 01/04/2022 11:38

Oh god my husbands like this! I like to have the front door on the latch even when I’m in the house.

He’s not so bad now, but won’t understand why I like to feel safe. I used to have to leave the door off the latch when I went to bed, so he could get in easily when he came back from the pub. I would always ask him to take the key.

One night he came back from drinking with friends (well past midnight). Woke me up to let him in. I called down from the bedroom window, I said “don’t you have a key?” I honestly thought he’d taken a key , he than had a temper tantrum. Of course I don’t have a key, oh let me just go and sleep in the garden”

As he’d been drinking I just went down and let him in - but no apology the next day.

He’s gone away for a few days and I had to encourage him to take some keys. He didn’t want to take his own as they were too bulky. I had to suggest he just take off the house keys.

This is a man who has a vintage car which he keeps in a locked garage, with a camera - who then keeps the keys in our wall safe, in case they get stolen. But wants me to keep the front door unlocked because we live in a safe village.

It’s got much better over the last couple of years because I just refuse the leave the door unlocked.

Sorry to derail, but just wanted to let you know I feel for you.

Why does he do it? He’s lazy, and my inconvenience is of less importance than his.

latriciamcneal · 01/04/2022 11:38

I suppose your main issue is he will make your life a living hell if you leave by using the children?

HellToTheNope · 01/04/2022 11:40

Get yourself to a solicitor's office, today if possible.

EthelTheAardvark · 01/04/2022 11:41

least it will be easier to throw him out when the time comes..

Sounds like the time has come

Ahwelltoobad · 01/04/2022 11:41

@Beachsidesunset

You need to get angrier.
So simple, so well put.
DirtyDancing · 01/04/2022 11:43

This is abusive control.

Literally who the hell does he think he is? Total cu^t. Please don't pander to his demands.

I would leave him a key- it'd be to the old lock not the new on I'd put on the door after he spoke to me like that.

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 11:44

@Beachsidesunset

You need to get angrier.
I was angry, so very angry but it's not me and I've decided to let that go and find the funny side. Laughter is better than the bitterness i had. And the anger was mostly just taken out on myself and that just added to the hurt, I'm not quite in the position to leave yet, so I'm just trying to see the funny side til I can get out
OP posts:
gamerchick · 01/04/2022 11:44

Is he trying to do your head in or make you leave? I can't fathom out why someone would do this?

He'll have to collect a key from your work. I wouldn't pander to this shit.