Husband has decreed that...

[Bogiesaremyonlyfriend]

... he is far too important to carry a house key any more. This means apparently, that I am now responsible for ensuring he is not locked out the house ever. If I have the audacity to not be in when he requires to be let in, I have to ensure a key is left in a safe location and that he is informed of this. Also, if he leaves for work, often at 5/6 am, the house will remain unlocked until I drag my lazy ass out of bed to either lock the door or get up for the day.... or we get burgled! Honestly, I wish this was an april fool's....

Well I'm currently sat on my own in the lounge as he called me a miserable cunt so I think the reminders are constant without me needing to reread.

So, pack a bag and go NOW. You have the house, you have a place to go. Even if there's no electricity, even if its bare, even if there's not a crumb of food. GO!! Go now whilst you have the memory of him calling you a cunt fresh in your memory.

I know you say your getting your ducks in a row, but unless a solicitor is advising you to wait, just go!! You can herd those ducks just as well (or better) in your own place, in peace and calm.

How far off do you think you are from leaving?

Do you go and visit the other house?

He doesn’t value you. He thinks you’re shit. And tells you so. You only exist to facilitate his life.

And it seems you are in entire agreement with him.

I truly hope you one day see that your life will be wasted with this delusional cunt. Who wants to look back when they’re old and see the pathetic and miserable life you’ve got now? No one. So change it.

Just keep repeating to yourself.... "It's better to actually BE alone than to be wishing you were".

How fortunate, you wont need to change locks.

If nothing changes……nothing changes. Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

Oh dear.
Sounds like you want to stay with him.

I think actually it is time to reread your thread and see the determination that you had back in April. You can get that back. You can move into your house. You can be happy. You can stop your daughters growing up thinking that their parents' relationship is the norm. You can do all of this.

You could be sat alone in your new house, feeling miserable perhaps (we all feel it sometimes), but with no one to call you a cunt.

Where your DD could leave you a gift of chocolate on your pillow and know you’d be the one to find it and eat him, not him. The delight on her face when you thanked her!

Where you and your DDs can share M&S cakes and enjoy them without someone chewing them up and spitting them out in front of them to humiliate and belittle.

Where they can be the children they are when he’s not around, where there is a sage space for them.

A safe space for you.

You are strong. You can do this. You have a plan.

Taking the final step, committing yourself, always takes courage. But it’s worth it.

Is the other house empty?

You’re still in survival mode with a string attached to him and that’s what’s stopping you leaving. Keep getting everything sorted, you’ll cut that string soon.

Oh I’m so sorry to hear you are still there. I just read your whole thread. I hope you are able to get yourself and your sweet girls away from him soon.

That's what I'm exploring in counselling. She says I'm in denial and minimising it, but I don't know what to do.

Maybe your counsellor is right about the minimising. I think we do minimise. Maybe all part of our avoidance tactics and facing up to what we have to do.

When I'm not with him I am sure I need to go asap but when he is around it's like a switch has been flipped and it hasn't happened.

Well, this sums up the solution and the issue but if we re-word it with a few key changes you get a woman who sounds like the woman in your earlier posts.

When I'm not with him I KNOW I need to go ASAP BECAUSE when he is around it's like a switch get's flipped. So it HAS TO HAPPEN.

See this as a reason why to do it rather than an explanation. It's an easier conundrum to solve than the chicken and egg problem because there's definitely a before and after here. It won't necessarily be easy to do but it is do-able. And the 'after' is you living a life free of this tyrant.

I urge you to re-read your previous posts. In them I saw a woman who realised she did have the resolve and the means to do it. Maybe you've lost sight of that; we haven't.

Remember, there's more than a nugget of that resolve in you, otherwise you wouldn't have come back.

How does that old saying go? Heads up, tits out, march forward!

It's called trauma and possibly co-dependency as well. He has told your worth, what to do, think, say for 2 decades that is hard to break free from.

That's how psychological abuse works it keeps you mentally trapped with them.

You are codependent - definitely.

Thanks for the replies i do appreciate them all. I am slowly moving forward, it is just extremely slow. I have got to the point where I can see some of his behaviours for what they are and I do feel so ashamed that I accept him behaving as he does. Even my councillor expressed shock at some of the things he does but it doesn't even spark a reaction in me any more. I just feel so empty and lost and dead inside and I don't know what to do. I almost liked it the other night when he was so mean to me cos I felt so angry and it felt good to finally feel something, when normally it's just nothing at all.

Feeling that numb is awful.

Have you been to the GP and considered anti-depressants?

Just get an image in your head of what life with this man is going to be in five years. What your children will witness stays with them forever. If your children see you leave and be strong or even fall apart then be strong and rebuild, you will teach them that lifes hurdles can be overcome and you don't need to put up with crap from a partner. Dont waste your happiness

Put on your fu*k you pants

Surely you can see that you HAVE to leave?

6 months since you first posted, 4 pages in which you describe the abuse he is subjecting you to, 20 pages of advice........ how much longer are you prepared to let this go on?

Can you do it for your children's sake if not your own...

A low-dose of an antidepressant might help give you the clarity and energy you need to stop ruminating and actually do it.

You sound stuck@Bogiesaremyonlyfriend - I really hope you get there soon. I agree with those suggesting that you contact your GP and talk about antidepressants. Also, is there anyone you can speak to about this, a friend or family member?

Has he rented out the other house so you have nowhere to go now?

No it's still empty. I could leave this very minute if I knew how.

Can you put your finger on what's stopping you? Fear of him (violence, vindictiveness)? Fear of being alone? Fear of 'failure'? Fear of finances? Maybe it would help to give your fear a name.

If the house is empty, do you have a way to get away just for a night and spend the night there and just feel the lack of his presence? Maybe the quiet and lack of that 'walking on ice' feeling might give you some courage.

Just keep working on it. But also realize that sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and jump.