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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has decreed that...

625 replies

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 11:11

... he is far too important to carry a house key any more. This means apparently, that I am now responsible for ensuring he is not locked out the house ever. If I have the audacity to not be in when he requires to be let in, I have to ensure a key is left in a safe location and that he is informed of this. Also, if he leaves for work, often at 5/6 am, the house will remain unlocked until I drag my lazy ass out of bed to either lock the door or get up for the day.... or we get burgled! Honestly, I wish this was an april fool's....

OP posts:
oldwhyno · 01/04/2022 12:27

I'd ignore him

RoundGlass · 01/04/2022 12:28

When are you leaving him / kicking him out. You need a plan.

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 12:28

@Dozycuntlaters

Oh OP he sounds draining, and a total knob. When you say you are not quite ready to leave, are you actually making plans?

I know it's difficult but you need to stop caring. If he is locked out, then he will just have to wait till you get home. Either turn off you phone or if you can't then either tell him no I'm not coming home to let you in, you'll just have to wait. It is another way to control you and it's abuse.

You only get one life, and it is never quite time to leave (believe me it took me 25 years before I snapped) but please, for you and your girls try and go as soon as possible, you will all be much happier for it.

Yes I'm in the process of buying a house only in my name, should have completed 1st march but some hold ups mean it's not quite sorted yet but as soon as it is I'm moving out! I already have a next list with things I'm going to buy for my new place!!
OP posts:
Greyarea12 · 01/04/2022 12:29

He sounds abusive and manipulative. This is nothing but pure control and an excuse to abuse you further. Given how you describe yourself.. such as 'useless waste of space' I can bet he has been abusive for years. Leave him.

NdefH81 · 01/04/2022 12:30

@Bogiesaremyonlyfriend

I did laugh at him at the time thinking it was a joke but it transpires to be true...
So it was a surprise to you? Not his usual behaviour?
Dozycuntlaters · 01/04/2022 12:31

Yes I'm in the process of buying a house only in my name, should have completed 1st march but some hold ups mean it's not quite sorted yet but as soon as it is I'm moving out! I already have a next list with things I'm going to buy for my new place!!

That is fantastic, well done. Well until it's ready embrace those joggers and try and let it all go over your head. You're on the last stretch now, and then life will be so much better for you. The one silly thing I loved when I got my own place was having control over the tv remote.......it really is the little things.

steppemum · 01/04/2022 12:32

well, the only way to treat it is to make fun of it and ignore it.

You think you are the queen - too good to carry a key!
Well, that's up to you, but I will not be waiting in for you, so either sort yourself a key safe, or carry a key. Or stand on the dorrstep, becuase I will NOT be coming back form work to let you in.

I simply cannot fathom why you came home to let him in! Youtold him you would not be home, he chose not to carry a key.

Every time he moans, just say - the door needs a key to open it. If I am not in, you will need a key. Sort it out yourself, it is not my job!

NdefH81 · 01/04/2022 12:32

Does he know you’re buying a house solely in your name?!

iklboo · 01/04/2022 12:33

Just to clarify my previous comment was to him, not you Blush

NdefH81 · 01/04/2022 12:33

Because it does t so he like he’s that controlling if he’s ok with you buying a house in your own name!

BuanoKubiamVej · 01/04/2022 12:34

He's clearly doing this because he has noticed your increased self-confidence and needs more opportunities to crush you.

Leave ASAP. You've got this. You are strong enough and you will be OK.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 01/04/2022 12:35

OP I'm so glad to hear you have a plan and freedom is in sight.

Please keep posting. When he realises you're gone he will try many tactics to draw you back. Weaponising the children. Swearing the scales have fallen from his eyes and he's realised that he's a shit. He's going to kill himself if you don't come back. You're crazy, everyone knows it, and he'll take the children away as you're unfit. Blah blah blah.

Please come and tell us when he starts a tactic, because all of us who've been through it can reassure you that it's well-worn and predictable, and that his promises mean nothing and neither do his threats.

Keep going OP. A better life awaits you and your DC Flowers

BrightonBunny · 01/04/2022 12:35

OP, as you are married, this house you are buying will be a marital asset if/when you split.

Have you taken legal advice?

As he is abusive, I would be inclined to leave without telling him, he deserves a Dear John, You Fucker Letter. Abusive men can become violent when they realise they are losing their emotional/physical punchbag. Flowers

Synchrony · 01/04/2022 12:35

Yeah, I'd just carry on as normal and let him be locked out. Also, I'd divorce someone who told me that I was a useless waste of space.

Toothemoonandback · 01/04/2022 12:36

When you leave you should send him on a “treasure” hunt to find the key… I’d leave messages at each uncomfortable spot, directing his controlling arse to the next (and the next) uncomfortable spot possibly miles between them all, that finally lead him back to the same front door he started at… the W&nker

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 01/04/2022 12:36

And make sure you clear your browsing history. It wouldn't surprise me that he's doing this new batshittery because he senses you growing in strength and wants to batter it back down.

MrsSugar · 01/04/2022 12:37

Wtf ? U should just go about ur daily business and if he’s locked out he’s locked out 🤷🏻‍♀️ If he can’t be a fully functioning adult and be arsed to carry a house key tell him he better start looking at some sort of assisted living facility ! As if uv not got enough to do bloody babysitting an adult man !

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 12:37

Not a surprise I just didnt think it possible for anyone to be such a twat.....

OP posts:
ClemDanFango · 01/04/2022 12:39

I think you should get a key safe. But don’t put a key in it just a not folded up very small which states “You are a cunt.”

FairyLightPups · 01/04/2022 12:39

Are you the same person who had a thread recently about how your husband wanted you to create an Instagram with him because he thinks he should be famous because he is Very Important?

knittingaddict · 01/04/2022 12:39

@Vapeyvapevape

This sounds more serious than just not carrying a key. He is abusing you Op.
Yes, he is.
Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 12:39

@NdefH81

Because it does t so he like he’s that controlling if he’s ok with you buying a house in your own name!
Yes he does. It wasnt me that started buying it, it was him as he tried but got rejected for the mortgage so took it out in my name, without asking or telling me. First I knew of it was when I got a letter through the post for me to sign and I had to ask him wtf it was about I fully expect had he been the first one in, he would have opened the letter and signed it and I'd never have known it was in my name. Just worked in my favour....
OP posts:
cheeseislife8 · 01/04/2022 12:40

What a cock. I'm so sorry you've been through this for so long OP. Glad you're on your way out of the situation

FairyLightPups · 01/04/2022 12:40

Oops I have just seen that you are not. Wow there are a lot of self-important men in the world. Thank goodness you're leaving OP.

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 12:40

@iklboo

Just to clarify my previous comment was to him, not you Blush
😂😂 I did pause to wonder, but assumed youd meant him!!
OP posts: