Page 25 | Husband has decreed that...

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 2022-04-01T10:11:33+00:00

... he is far too important to carry a house key any more. This means apparently, that I am now responsible for ensuring he is not locked out the house ever. If I have the audacity to not be in when he requires to be let in, I have to ensure a key is left in a safe location and that he is informed of this. Also, if he leaves for work, often at 5/6 am, the house will remain unlocked until I drag my lazy ass out of bed to either lock the door or get up for the day.... or we get burgled! Honestly, I wish this was an april fool's....

bewarethetides · 23/10/2022 13:25

Just pack up your things, put them in a car, and go to the other house. Do not spend the rest of your life like this.

Original poster

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 23/10/2022 14:19

I have chatted to my friend about why I think I can't go. She said she thinks it's because I'm so passive, I just want him to make the decision to leave. Which I think she isn't far off with. I think it is only biting the bullet and doing it. I'm not scared of being lonely, I already am. Things can only get better once I do it

OP posts:

PeaceX · 23/10/2022 14:26

Do what I did. Fling yourself forward thinking I'll make the decision later.
I'm embarrassed admitting it now but when I left (for the second time) I still hadn't 100% decided that I could never go back. I still as astonishing as it is to me now had hope that he would see the error of his ways et cetera. AS if.
So I fled. And then as I sat in peace, I made the decision to never go back.
I've never regretted it. I wish I'd known that I would never regret it as bizarrely (now) it was a very difficult decision to leave.

Please trust in your FUTURE self. Do what's right for your future self. Have faith that you will get distance and recover and see that you did the right thing.
You can't do it for present you, do it for future you.

RandomMess · 23/10/2022 14:34

He won't ever end it because you are his servant and do everything that he doesn't want to.

BinBandit · 23/10/2022 15:19

It's easy to say but like anything in life, you achieve it by putting one foot in front of the other. Decide when it is happening. I suggest tomorrow. Then take what you need and just go. It wont be easy, and it might not stick the first time (I think it generally takes 3 times for a lot of people before they leave for good) But once you've taken that first step, something inside will change forever and you will start to discover the real you.

You feel passive because that's the role that he has allocated you and it works for him.

RandomMess · 23/10/2022 15:22

Have you spoken to Woman's Aid at all? I wonder if they could help you with the psychological element of leaving?

Pixiedust1234 · 23/10/2022 15:30

He will never end it, why would he?

You are numb and empty and no motivation because you are in a deep depression , you have classic symptoms so please please please contact your gp and tell them you need help with depression. You might need to try several different types to find one that works but my goodness you will feel a totally different and new woman when you do!

Darbs76 · 23/10/2022 16:07

I hoped to get to the end of your 4 pages of posts to see you’d left him. Don’t let your daughters grow up with this example of marriage a day longer. We are on this Earth such a short time, you deserve to be happy and never will be whilst you’re all still in his clutches

RonSwansonsChair · 23/10/2022 16:10

@Bogiesaremyonlyfriend do you think that maybe you're back on this thread because you're closer to making the decision to go? I really hope so! You can do it!!!

NoSquirrels · 23/10/2022 17:51

Things can only get better once I do it

You’re absolutely right.

Do make a GP appointment and tell them about how you feel numb and empty inside, and that you are in a relationship that you need to leave. I think antidepressants would help you in the immediate future, and the in the further out future you won’t be in the situation that’s causing your depression.

Good luck. We’re all with you in spirit.

SafeMove · 24/10/2022 13:35

I completely understand OP. I couldn't leave either. Even with broken bones and black eyes. My parents basically scooped me up and MADE me leave and it was only with the clarity I got from being out of there that made me stay gone. Until you get out it is very hard to achieve clarity.

SafeMove · 24/10/2022 13:39

One question was asked of me on here - I think it was @AnyFucker who asked me. She said 'Are you happy love?' and I sat there and thought no, I am not happy, I am nowhere near happy and the one and only reason I was very unhappy was my marriage. To even stand a chance of being happy (and safe) I needed to not be in the marriage so I had to actively choose to stay gone, my parents and my brother made it so much easier to stay gone. I get cold thinking about it now. It was so hard. I am happy now though. And safer than I have ever been.

Original poster

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 24/10/2022 14:10

Glad you got free safemove. And thanks squirrel, you put things very eloquently and kindly.

I guess I always thought no to antidepressants as I know it is the situations not me being depressed about nothing, but at this stage I'm willing to try anything (accept leaving apparently...)

But I'm definitely not happy at all, even things that should make me happy just don't anymore. It's like I've lost the ability to feel that.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 24/10/2022 14:21

The situation has made you very depressed. Of course mid term leaving will get rid of the depression but short term medication may help you feel well enough to leave.

Either way it can be helpful to have it on your medical records that you are living in an abusive relationship.

Pixiedust1234 · 24/10/2022 14:22

I totally understand you saying that the situation is making you depressed, and you just need to leave the situation to be fine. However its your depression that's trapping you from leaving so get help with that first. Once you have left you can come off them.

SafeMove · 24/10/2022 14:27

@Bogiesaremyonlyfriend I felt like that. I think I was disasscociated but i didn't know what it was called. I couldn't care about anything because if i did I felt it would be taken away from me. I had small, lovely children and a daughter who survived a twin pregnancy when her sibling didn't. I should have been happy but I wasn't because one other person was making my life miserable and threatening to take my children away from me. He stole my DC's childhood from me.

I don't really have a solution for you, I think you just need to have 'something' that propels you into leaving but until it happens you are entrenched. Do your family know?

SafeMove · 24/10/2022 14:27

Can't spell disassociated clearly!

RandomMess · 24/10/2022 21:34

How are you feeling this evening.

oobeedoobee · 26/10/2022 13:03

@Bogiesaremyonlyfriend

I totally understand what you're saying, and how difficult it is to 'feel' enough to be able to propel yourself forwards towards actually leaving.

It's like you're on a Merry Go round. While you're on it, the world is spinning, but you don't really feel it, because it's so 'distant' from you, and the 'dizziness' has been your 'normal' for such a long, long time.

It's truly only when you step off the Merry Go round, that you'll realise just how 'dizzy' it made you ! (And how badly it affected both you and your DC's)

Unfortunately, you're still hoping that your DH will stop the ride, but that will never happen, because it's his ride, and he knows he can only continue to control you while you remain 'dizzy'...

You need to use this 'unfeeling' period to just get up, and walk out the door with your DC. Use the 'numbness' to think 'OK, we'll just go. No thinking. No conversation. No procrastinating. Simply get up, collect the kids, and walk out the door.

Seenoevil33 · 26/10/2022 15:30

I do feel for you but fgs why would you think it’s remotely acceptable to bring your children up around this? They did not ask for this and will suffer in later life. Hard to fathom how you cannot put them first

LadyDanburysHat · 26/10/2022 15:50

I remember this thread from when you first started it, and I'm so sorry to see you are still there.

I hope as a pp said that you coming back to this thread is because you are closer to actually doing it. Please please do this for your DC if not yourself.

2bazookas · 26/10/2022 16:01

I can think of several easy ways to cure him of that.

LookItsMeAgain · 26/10/2022 16:39

oobeedoobee · 26/10/2022 13:03

@Bogiesaremyonlyfriend

I totally understand what you're saying, and how difficult it is to 'feel' enough to be able to propel yourself forwards towards actually leaving.

It's like you're on a Merry Go round. While you're on it, the world is spinning, but you don't really feel it, because it's so 'distant' from you, and the 'dizziness' has been your 'normal' for such a long, long time.

It's truly only when you step off the Merry Go round, that you'll realise just how 'dizzy' it made you ! (And how badly it affected both you and your DC's)

Unfortunately, you're still hoping that your DH will stop the ride, but that will never happen, because it's his ride, and he knows he can only continue to control you while you remain 'dizzy'...

You need to use this 'unfeeling' period to just get up, and walk out the door with your DC. Use the 'numbness' to think 'OK, we'll just go. No thinking. No conversation. No procrastinating. Simply get up, collect the kids, and walk out the door.

I think this is very good advice, especially the end bit.

If you feel numb at the moment or you don't think you can feel happy, I'll put it to you that any time in the past you did, your husband has pissed all over your happiness and you now feel that why bother feeling happy, it's just going to mean he can piss all over that happiness.
Except if you move out, he isn't there any more to do that.
You can feel happy again.
You can cry again and laugh again and be YOU again. The one that has been locked away for so long as you weren't allowed even to be yourself around him.

Imagine yourself in your own house without him being there, putting up your own Christmas tree this year with whatever decorations you want, having friends over for a glass or two of wine or sherry or whatever, being able to relax and just be...sounds good, right? It can be your Christmas this year if you just pack a bag (or not, you could just walk out with whatever you have on your back) and walk out that door.

Lastly, I going to suggest that something that is holding you back is your reluctance to give up on your marriage. I think when you got married, in your head, it was for the long haul, and you don't want to think that you've packed it in without trying. You have tried, this is not down to you not trying in this marriage. You need to leave with your head held high and say "I tried. It wasn't working for a long long time and I have so much life to live and I'm not doing it under a constant cloud of not knowing what sort of mood my husband will be in and whether I'll be the one bearing the brunt of that mood".

I wish you all the luck in the world in making the decision and I really do hope you make it sooner rather than later.

Justanotherlittlename · 27/10/2022 00:39

It doesn’t sound like you feel numb, because you’re still there, letting him treat you like he does and - worse - your poor children. Wishing you all the strength needed to get yourself and the precious girls out of there.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 27/10/2022 11:40

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 24/10/2022 14:10

Glad you got free safemove. And thanks squirrel, you put things very eloquently and kindly.

I guess I always thought no to antidepressants as I know it is the situations not me being depressed about nothing, but at this stage I'm willing to try anything (accept leaving apparently...)

But I'm definitely not happy at all, even things that should make me happy just don't anymore. It's like I've lost the ability to feel that.

Antidepressants can help you cope better with bad situations. Whether the depression has a cause or not doesn't effect whether antidepressants can help. They can help you to function and to cope when you're in a tough place or a bad relationship. They can give you some mental space to allow you to deal with your problems. They can improve quality of life even if you're in a shitty situation.