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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has decreed that...

625 replies

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 11:11

... he is far too important to carry a house key any more. This means apparently, that I am now responsible for ensuring he is not locked out the house ever. If I have the audacity to not be in when he requires to be let in, I have to ensure a key is left in a safe location and that he is informed of this. Also, if he leaves for work, often at 5/6 am, the house will remain unlocked until I drag my lazy ass out of bed to either lock the door or get up for the day.... or we get burgled! Honestly, I wish this was an april fool's....

OP posts:
MollyQueenOfSocks · 19/05/2022 10:17

Wow @HoppingPavlova

Really shitty of you to blame the Domestic Abuse victim for being controlled by this absolute arsehole.

MrMrsJones · 19/05/2022 10:23

Hope you managed to leave

BellePeppa · 19/05/2022 10:31

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 11:25

This is just the icing on the cake of fuckwittery I have put up with over the last few years, and I'm making a plan to leave asap. Now I've seen him for what he is (anyone needing- 'loose a cheater again a life' really helped me!!) I cant help but laugh at what an autrociously(sp?? Autocorrected to ferociously which would fit!!) Entitled prick he is. In the past I would have pandered to his every whim to prove what a perfect and wonderful person I am, worthy of his love.

He’s the one who’s not worthy. Time to shut the book on this one.

MrsBlaue · 19/05/2022 10:33

Do you still want the husband? That’s a hypothetical.

BellePeppa · 19/05/2022 10:42

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/04/2022 11:38

@LemonViolet

OK I was really slow typing (and got distracted mid post lol)…..seeing the further posts OP. OMG. Glad you’re leaving the twat. Power to your elbow. Continue to rant away!
He has never had any issues with losing keys or being unable to manage the hardship in the past. He just hadnt realised he could delegate the task to me and add it to my mountain of stuff to do instead of his, now he has more time to do as he pleases and someone to blame when his life isnt the absolute perfect dream he expects me to make it. I'm not even allowed to wear jogging pants when he is in the house, else I run the risk of him being unattracted to me and therefore off to seek someone else with nicer attire

Get those jogging pants on! The last thing you want or need is him finding you attractive. I’d deliberately make myself as unappealing as possible 1) to annoy him and 2) to get him out of my hair for good.

I had had a long term boyfriend who would pick on me about things like not cutting bread or cheese exactly straight (plus a million other things) so I would deliberately cut them wonky and enjoy his stupid tantrums (in my head). I did have to get out in the end though as my self esteem was getting affected despite my kick backs. I never regretted it for a minute.

MagpiePi · 19/05/2022 10:44

Sorry, haven't read all of the replies, but I would be tempted to put a key on a piece of string round his neck, (don't make it too tight! lol) and also put some mittens on elastic through his coat sleeves.
And put L and R on the toes of his shoes in permanent marker.
What a twat!

AdobeWanKenobi · 19/05/2022 10:55

You realise reading all the OP's contributions to this thread is as simple as the 'see all' button on the first post?

BellePeppa · 19/05/2022 10:57

Toothemoonandback · 01/04/2022 12:36

When you leave you should send him on a “treasure” hunt to find the key… I’d leave messages at each uncomfortable spot, directing his controlling arse to the next (and the next) uncomfortable spot possibly miles between them all, that finally lead him back to the same front door he started at… the W&nker

That’s brilliant!

Itstimetoquit · 19/05/2022 11:02

How u getting on op x

Alwayshoovering · 19/05/2022 11:35

Why are you going along with this, unless of out fear of reprisal against you, violence, damaged property when smashes up in a rage etc. In which case you really need to leave this man.

It's no way to live and I feel so sad for you in this situation.

Indicatrice · 19/05/2022 11:43

Was hoping OP had left the knobface.

Tobermory · 19/05/2022 13:13

@Bogiesaremyonlyfriend You started this thread weeks ago … I hope you’re ok x

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 19/05/2022 14:10

Hi, thanks to everyone checking in. I am still here but I have started counselling and getting my plan to leave sorted. Been working on why I allow myself to be treated so badly and trying to work on doing things for myself - i bought new socks as mine had holes in, and have been letting myself go off to the toilet when I need a wee instead of holding it in during meetings or whatever so I dont inconvenience anyone, sounds really stupid but I'd rather have been in pain before than just go to the loo. Had up and down days myself but 100% sure leaving is my only option. He on the other hand has done a total 180 and is being his very loveliest self (although the var is set low even at that) which makes things very hard, can see the man I fell in love with. But I am resolute in my decision to leave so trying to keep him at arms length.

OP posts:
gottastopeatingchocolate · 19/05/2022 14:20

So glad that you are getting support and getting a plan together. That "lovely" him is the one that is probably aware something is going on with you and is trying to reel you back in. Lundy Bancoft's "Why Does He Do That?" or the Freedom Programme explain the abusive cycle and how the "nice" times are part of the abuse.

ThatshallotBaby · 19/05/2022 15:22

@Bogiesaremyonlyfriend
It sounds like you don’t think you are lovable unless you mould yourself around everyone’s demands.

I am similar. Try and start loving yourself in little ways, the new socks and going to the loo when you need to are brilliant Smile, keep going, keep going down that path.

You don’t have to be perfect to be loved. Nobody is. That’s not what love is.
I truly wish you all the best and the strength to true love.

MiniCooperLover · 19/05/2022 17:29

Yep, he's realised that you're thinking about going ... so he's decided to play nice again for a while.

Igmum · 19/05/2022 20:20

Counselling sounds positive, as does respecting your own bladder. Accept the nice behaviour but keep on aiming to leave. Hope it is soon

Ddot · 19/05/2022 23:49

He is pardon the expression, a head fuck.

picklemewalnuts · 20/05/2022 07:44

Keep on keeping on, you're worth it!

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 20/05/2022 08:32

Head fuck is exactly it!! He is being a total shit head this morning again. Constantly mithering me- I havent filled the kettle (he was the last one to use it), I'm working at home all day which of course means I'll be doing fuck all, it's his day off but he will be working far harder than me (I'll be writing reports all day and working plenty hard enough), I'm a shit cook and he should make tea as he is much better at it (he wont cos he never does, ever!!), he spilt cheese on the floor in a late night cracker binge and when I went to vaccum it up I got a barrage of abuse about how I never clean... And the list goes on. Its only 8.30 and I am at breaking point already.

OP posts:
Ddot · 20/05/2022 09:07

You go girl, now you've seen the light, keep your head. Get your shit in order and start the life you deserve. Remember your the strong one, not him! That plank of a husband or should I say soon to be ex husband, needed reassurance eg other woman, control of you, to make him feel tall. You need your children and your job and to be free. No head fucks allowed!

longtompot · 20/05/2022 11:53

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 20/05/2022 08:32

Head fuck is exactly it!! He is being a total shit head this morning again. Constantly mithering me- I havent filled the kettle (he was the last one to use it), I'm working at home all day which of course means I'll be doing fuck all, it's his day off but he will be working far harder than me (I'll be writing reports all day and working plenty hard enough), I'm a shit cook and he should make tea as he is much better at it (he wont cos he never does, ever!!), he spilt cheese on the floor in a late night cracker binge and when I went to vaccum it up I got a barrage of abuse about how I never clean... And the list goes on. Its only 8.30 and I am at breaking point already.

Less than 24 hours since your post about how lovely he is being & you post this. This is his true self. Think of it as not a head fuck but as a reminder who he truly is

Fraaahnces · 20/05/2022 12:55

Is now a good time to recommend the Mumsnet Landscaping and Patios Co?

TeaFagsandGin · 20/05/2022 13:22

What a charmer!

So, what happens if he finds himself locked out? Don't tell us, tell the domestic violence unit at the local cop shop. This is a blatant example of coercive control and is a crime. Simple as. A key safe would be a good idea to buy you time as there will another ridiculous condition you have to comply with. Then another and another.

Run fast and run far. That man is bad news! LTB!

TeaFagsandGin · 20/05/2022 13:31

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 19/05/2022 14:10

Hi, thanks to everyone checking in. I am still here but I have started counselling and getting my plan to leave sorted. Been working on why I allow myself to be treated so badly and trying to work on doing things for myself - i bought new socks as mine had holes in, and have been letting myself go off to the toilet when I need a wee instead of holding it in during meetings or whatever so I dont inconvenience anyone, sounds really stupid but I'd rather have been in pain before than just go to the loo. Had up and down days myself but 100% sure leaving is my only option. He on the other hand has done a total 180 and is being his very loveliest self (although the var is set low even at that) which makes things very hard, can see the man I fell in love with. But I am resolute in my decision to leave so trying to keep him at arms length.

Counselling can be useful, but you need to get out PDQ and put him in the dock where he belongs. Abusive partners can bring you down and mess with your mind. Direct action can be really theraputic, especially when a liaison officer comes with all the support the law allows.