Page 9 | Do you fancy your husband/partner?

MamaNeedsTea · 01/04/2022 22:55

Yep, always have.

10 years, two kids & I think he's getting even better with age!

FairyLightPups · 01/04/2022 23:08

Yes, DW is absolutely gorgeous. I thought it from the second I saw her and I think it now.

NewYorkCityDreamer · 01/04/2022 23:26

@ofwarren
Thanks for your reply, I’m glad it’s not just me. I always wondered if we weren’t right together because of it but it does feel so right but not how others describe it.

He’s the only person that I’ve ever had a meltdown around, he’s the person I want to tell everything to immediately, I can be my authentic self and I love being close to him (whereas hugging my parents makes me feel dirty and like I am going to collapse in on myself and hugging friends feels like a crime ) and I look at him and know he looks good but I don’t get ‘fanny gallops’.

Anthurium · 01/04/2022 23:32

[quote RosesAndHellebores]@cirelle what would you do if the man of your dreams came along? How do you reconcile the fact that your dc are half a man who wasn't the one? Do you never look at your dc and lose your heart a little more because they have a look of or the mannerisms of their father, your husband?[/quote]
@RosesAndHellebores

I have a child with a sperm donor, and for me too it really isn't the issue that my son is half who wasn't the "one" (whatever that means!). It was either down the sperm donor route or end up childless. As it turns out, my son is lovely and I certainly don't regret my choice.

Musttryharder2021 · 01/04/2022 23:35

@KingaBee

Before I used to either date men with whom I had a serious sexual chemistry and not much of a connection otherwise (and they were definitely not reliable or proper boyfriend material) or I dated men who were more of friends than sexual partners.

I thought those were the only two options.
But then I met my current partner and now I have the best of both worlds. I thought he was a decent looking guy when I first met him but the more I got to know him the more handsome and attractive he became. Now I think he is the handsomest.

I still think about sex with him all the time even though I’m 33 weeks pregnant and can barely get out of bed unaided. 😅

Well that will change when the baby arrives and your hormones plummet lol

2MinuteRice · 01/04/2022 23:50

Yes I do. She is beautiful, caring, kind, considerate and my best friend.
I wonder how she is when we are not together, I look forward to us having time together without the children as it is special.
I married her for all those reasons, also I love her.

RosesAndHellebores · 01/04/2022 23:54

@Anthurium I think I said in another post I'd have preferred to go it alone than to settle. All power to you.

SparklingLime · 02/04/2022 00:02

What a bizarre series of ultra judgemental posts, @gannett. You sound like you’re projecting massively. It’s definitely saying more about yourself than OP or PPs.

@Cirelle, hope you’re ignoring @gannett - bizarre overinvestment.

DrBrennerFan · 02/04/2022 00:22

No used to (no fanny gallops though) but he’s just a friend now in my head.

LimeSegment · 02/04/2022 00:27

at pps who think it's "horrific" to be with someone you don't absolutely fancy the pants off. Yep so you'd be happy to be alone forever, no dc, no family, the mere idea that the perfect man might come along would keep you warm at night.

The reality is that life isn't a fairy tale, no one is perfect, lust doesn't last, there is no "the one". There is more to life than sex. If you are with a nice person who you love and have fun with, and have a lovely family life, thats a lot.

And for everyone on here saying "I have the perfect relationship, we fancy each other like crazy, that will never change, we've been together two years" - that's naive beyond belief, get back to me ten years from now.

BestPyjamas · 02/04/2022 00:29

I can see this from different perspectives. I grew up with a mother who wasn't attracted to / didn't love my father. She left him after we children grew up and left home and he was devastated. It was heartbreaking to grow up with but I suppose I did have a very stable childhood with a complete family and two loving parents.

I did find myself in a long-term relationship when younger with a man who was a wonderful friend and partner, but who I didn't truly lust after. Eventually I broke up with him and it was devastating but the right thing to do. I am single now and may never have children now but I think if there has to be a trade off, for me this is the right one. I think I can cope with remaining childless but I couldn't live with being with the wrong man, however wonderful he was. What made a difference to me was other experiences. I had a couple of other relationships with men who I couldn't control myself around. The first was when I was 19 and I'd never felt anything like it. Once you have felt that you can't go back imo, so on some level I always knew it was missing.

I'm interested to read that others wittingly make the opposite trade off from me. I think if your partner is signed up to it, then fair enough. However, if your partner doesn't know about it, I think you are being incredibly selfish to take away his chance of being with someone else AND be planning to leave him later.

BestPyjamas · 02/04/2022 00:35

@LimeSegment

at pps who think it's "horrific" to be with someone you don't absolutely fancy the pants off. Yep so you'd be happy to be alone forever, no dc, no family, the mere idea that the perfect man might come along would keep you warm at night.

The reality is that life isn't a fairy tale, no one is perfect, lust doesn't last, there is no "the one". There is more to life than sex. If you are with a nice person who you love and have fun with, and have a lovely family life, thats a lot.

And for everyone on here saying "I have the perfect relationship, we fancy each other like crazy, that will never change, we've been together two years" - that's naive beyond belief, get back to me ten years from now.

For me, it's not about looking for perfection, it's a certain feeling of compatibility that's grounded in physical connection as well as all the rest. I would rather have an 'imperfect' family in later life - single, step kids, adopted kids, no kids - than a nuclear family that wasn't centred on this.

I wish I had done it all neatly by now but I haven't. I respect that others will feel differently and fair play to them.

Ihaveroyallyscrewedup · 02/04/2022 01:02

I still fancy my ex husband, I think I will always fancy him!

LimeSegment · 02/04/2022 01:05

That's fair enough but a "certain feeling of compatibility" isn't what people seem to be talking about on this thread. I suppose there is many different levels of this. There's really disliking someone and feeling disgusted at the thought of them, to somewhat attracted though not uncontrollable lust, to your standard attracted at first but cooled off over the years. There is also genuinely loving someone in a companionate way. It's not black and white - butterflies in stomach/chandelier sex forever vs hate and disgust.

And I'm not sure why the topic of children are coming in to this discussion so much. For me, having a family isn't a prize for being physically attractive. And having kids with someone because you are in lust with them is probably the worst reason - it should be a much more sensible, considered decision.

SarahBellam · 02/04/2022 02:46

Oh yes. Mine is an ex county swimmer. He has a bit of a dad bod now but he still has shoulders that could carry a decent sized sheep and hands like shovels. He’s an utterly magnificent beast and I’m constantly delighted by what it feels like to have sex with someone you love, but also really enjoy shagging. I didn’t really fancy my ex but, as God is my witness, this one (7 years in) still gives me the Premium Blend Fanny Gallops.

KosherDill · 02/04/2022 03:22

[quote SquirrelFan]@Blueslate I don't think it's the saddest thing ever! It's very practical. There is absolutely no guarantee that you will find someone who makes you feel that way, and even less chance that he will fancy you back! I think mutual physical attraction is limited to the very lucky or very attractive.[/quote]

Agree.

Romantic marriage is a luxury. Always has been.

Anthurium · 02/04/2022 05:24

@BestPyjamas

I can see this from different perspectives. I grew up with a mother who wasn't attracted to / didn't love my father. She left him after we children grew up and left home and he was devastated. It was heartbreaking to grow up with but I suppose I did have a very stable childhood with a complete family and two loving parents.

I did find myself in a long-term relationship when younger with a man who was a wonderful friend and partner, but who I didn't truly lust after. Eventually I broke up with him and it was devastating but the right thing to do. I am single now and may never have children now but I think if there has to be a trade off, for me this is the right one. I think I can cope with remaining childless but I couldn't live with being with the wrong man, however wonderful he was. What made a difference to me was other experiences. I had a couple of other relationships with men who I couldn't control myself around. The first was when I was 19 and I'd never felt anything like it. Once you have felt that you can't go back imo, so on some level I always knew it was missing.

I'm interested to read that others wittingly make the opposite trade off from me. I think if your partner is signed up to it, then fair enough. However, if your partner doesn't know about it, I think you are being incredibly selfish to take away his chance of being with someone else AND be planning to leave him later.

@BestPyjamas

Have you considered being a solo parent using a sperm donor?

BestPyjamas · 02/04/2022 07:02

@Anthurium yes and it’s not for me. I don’t want to raise a child alone, I don’t think I’d be good at it and don’t want it enough. If I meet the right partner to have a family and it’s too late to have my own child I would either look into adoption or stay childfree, I think. A whole other topic, obviously!

timestheyarechanging · 02/04/2022 07:42

Yes I do, I wouldn't be with him if I didn't. It's only been a year but it's been great, he's my best friend and we have a lovely time together, including fabulous sex! He's lovely and not conventionally good looking (my ex was and still is) but I fancy him a lot. His smile and eyes do it for me. We spend about 50% of the time together and almost always have sex within an hour of him walking through the door. We almost missed a house viewing last week as we were in bed. We are planning to move in together but keep finances separate. Oh and we are no spring chickens - in our 50s.

I split with my husband as I didn't fancy him anymore and we were therefore not having regular sex (not at all for 9mths before we split) and that then caused resentment from him and distancing from me so it ended. We had been together for 21years and had a very good life together, including two now adult kids. but the fancying faded for me and that lack of intimacy crept into every aspect of our lives. We'd been together since we were 18 and ended up like housemates. We are still friends though.

toomanytwinkies · 02/04/2022 07:48

@cellardoorr

I'm not sure I ever have really, not in the way I'd like. Sounds awful I know!

I've never had that "just what to jump on you" feeling 😅 I really wish I had though! Am I missing out?

You haven’t ever? Am I missing something? I understand going off someone as time moves on but surely you need to have that spark in the first place to even date, let alone marry!

Did you marry for money or convenience of something? Was it arranged?

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 02/04/2022 07:50

@LimeSegment

at pps who think it's "horrific" to be with someone you don't absolutely fancy the pants off. Yep so you'd be happy to be alone forever, no dc, no family, the mere idea that the perfect man might come along would keep you warm at night.

The reality is that life isn't a fairy tale, no one is perfect, lust doesn't last, there is no "the one". There is more to life than sex. If you are with a nice person who you love and have fun with, and have a lovely family life, thats a lot.

And for everyone on here saying "I have the perfect relationship, we fancy each other like crazy, that will never change, we've been together two years" - that's naive beyond belief, get back to me ten years from now.

No, that's not what's being said. Nobody has said you have to fancy the pants off someone. You can actively enjoy someone's company, like them, even be happily married without that if that's what you want.

The pp is none of those things. She's married for money, doesn't even like him and is actively waiting for her marriage to end. That is horrific. It's no life for anyone involved.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 02/04/2022 07:52

@Cirelle

I work hard and don't earn Megabucks but we made it work, rather than me going off to find some rich man who I didn't like and waiting for my marriage to end and subjecting my children to it. I would have made it work too, if I was a “we”. If I’d met someone attractive who liked me equally and wanted to be with me. But I didn’t. So in the absence of the option to choose love, I chose someone who was a Good Prospect. I don’t see why that’s so difficult to understand? I didn’t reject love in favour of money - love wasn’t on the table for me.

You'll never know that because you married someone you didn't love. There could have been someone else round the corner who was poor but I somehow dont think you'd have gone for that.

I mean it's your decision and you obviously think it's the best one you could have made. I personally just find it incredibly sad for everyone involved.

toomanytwinkies · 02/04/2022 07:54

@Abracadabra12345

I’m amazed at all these posts saying how they still fancy the pants off their dh 30, 40 years on because I know no one like that in my social circle. I also don’t see any gorgeous men among them, either 😁

I met DH when we were 18, we are late 30s now and he’s just got better with age. He’s filled out nicely, bit of grey in the hair and stubble, nice forearms. He was beautiful before but he’s something else now. He’ll probably look even better in his 40s! 🥵🤭

timestheyarechanging · 02/04/2022 08:02

Sorry to hear about those having lost their libido due to menopause. I thought mine was partially due to being peri menopausal when I was with my ExH and didn't fancy him anymore.

But, turns out it wasn't as my libido is back. I am on HRT though but for the other awful symptoms and I'd met my partner, fancied him straight away, before I went on the patches. I do count myself lucky.

Mummadeze · 02/04/2022 08:10

I find my partner extremely good looking but it no longer makes up for all his flaws. Like others, we are still together for our child. I would still have sex with him if he wanted to (which he doesn’t) but our emotional connection has gone. We were never suited and never really friends. It was all physical attraction at the start. If I could choose again, I think I would want compatibility over that strong, heady, chemical feeling.