Page 11 | Do you fancy your husband/partner?

cellardoorr · 2022-04-01T09:35:49+00:00

I'm not sure I ever have really, not in the way I'd like. Sounds awful I know! I've never had that "just what to jump on you" feeling 😅 I really wish I had though! Am I missing out?

Duckschmuck · 02/04/2022 13:11

I think that like most things attraction is on a spectrum. Until I met my last boyfriend, I hadn't experienced the intense aspect. I just didn't think it existed and was happy enough with my attraction to other boyfriends but clear-headness. It didn't work out with the intense one and I'm not really sure where that leaves me and which kind of relationship was the best

Chonfox · 02/04/2022 13:58

I admire your honesty Cirelle

I can understand how you ended up if the position you did. I think I would have made the same choice in your shoes. Many settle in order to have children and give them a stable home. It may not be perfect but if you desperately want a child then it's better than the alternative.

Amybelle88 · 02/04/2022 14:18

Absolutely and when I'm ovulating my fancy for him goes through the roof! He's tall with masculine features like big forearms, big hands etc which I love. Smells gorgeous too. I love him to bits (been together 7 years) which is a bonus too 😂😂

gannett · 02/04/2022 14:48

@SparklingLime

What a bizarre series of ultra judgemental posts, *@gannett*. You sound like you’re projecting massively. It’s definitely saying more about yourself than OP or PPs.

@Cirelle, hope you’re ignoring @gannett - bizarre overinvestment.

Judgment very much intended tbh.

Honestly not projecting anything about my own life. My own family background was fucked up but not for these reasons; my own relationship is the opposite of settling and I couldn't be happier.

It's because I've seen the fallout of it too many times among people I've met. I've seen the kids of those marriages as adults, all varying degrees of messed up and unable to maintain functional relationships themselves (but at least their parents had money for all the therapy they needed). Also seen how hard it is when one partner realises they were just being used as a means to some idealised nuclear family end by someone they thought loved them.

Among all the "you had to do the right thing for YOU" comments to Cirelle, none of you seem to care how her setup might affect her children as adults. And there's some very convenient hand-wavey ambiguity over whether her husband entered into the setup with both eyes open. Like, was this actually explicitly discussed between the pair of them or have some convenient assumptions been made that he's aware and OK with it.

Kione · 02/04/2022 14:58

I separated from a DH I didn't fancy at all and in a relationship where I fancy DP a lot but things are rocky...

This thread gives me hope!!

SparklingLime · 02/04/2022 15:02

Oh it was absolutely clear that your judging was very much intentional, @gannett. And from a very narrow perspective.

Anthurium · 02/04/2022 16:15

@Cirelle

I admire your honesty.

I'm a single mother by choice (IVF with a sperm donor) and I too was running out of time to have a child so decided to go at it alone. We all compromise and have to make piece with the alternative life than the one we had imagined.

I also agree with the statement that waiting to find the "one" aged 40 who you fancy, thet fancy you back AND want committment would have been a huge gamble.

Enko · 02/04/2022 16:29

No not anymore. Dh lost 4 dress sizes 3-4 years ago when diagnoses with diabetes and it had made him age hugely. He now looks like FIL too. I have always preferred larger men so having a husband who is a medium size is just not what I find attractive.

However having said that I still love him a great deal, still enjoy his company and enjoy our life together. I just don't get the "oh wow" when I look at him.

Justanotherobserver · 02/04/2022 18:22

Yes, still do after 35 years. He's completely grey now and has kind of grown into his face, but being middle aged really suits him. Like others, part of the attraction was, and still is, his smell. Before we got together I used to be utterly tormented by his scent, it was addictive. There was no perfume, just him, and I love it.

Electricmouse · 02/04/2022 18:27

Yes, I think she's the hottest thing that walked the earth. I need that. :)
Do you fancy him more some times than others? Certain clothes or presentstion or when he does certain things?

Howmanydaysuntilfriday · 02/04/2022 18:29

Yes my husband is attractive and a lovely man which makes him even more attractive

Original poster

cellardoorr · 02/04/2022 18:35

@Electricmouse

Yes, I think she's the hottest thing that walked the earth. I need that. :) Do you fancy him more some times than others? Certain clothes or presentstion or when he does certain things?

I sometimes think he looks more attractive than other times. When he's wearing nice clothes etc. but I'm not sure I feel like I fancy him in those moments? Maybe it's hard to tell when you've been together so long!

OP posts:

Torres10 · 02/04/2022 18:36

@ Cirelle I admire your honesty too.

FWIW I have three friends who 'held out' for the right man, & all three are childless.
They would, if they could all go back in time and 'settle' if they could ..they have not 'adapted' as someone earlier mentioned, they bitterly regret it.

Bailey48 · 02/04/2022 22:05

@Cirelle

It sounds like your children have brought you happiness and it was the right choice for you. It also sounds as though your husband is probably aware of how you feel We both failed to find love with someone who wanted to commit in a time frame that would allow us to have a family. He’s older so in that sense he was also running out of time, just the same as I was when I was approaching 40. We both wanted a stable relationship and a home with kids. We knew there was no passion between us but home, family and stability were still on the table and 3 out of 4 seemed like a good deal compared to nothing. I don’t think we’ll stay together in the long run and I do still hope that one day I might meet someone I love; actually I hope that he will too. As a pp said we have our post-childbearing years to find romantic fulfilment.

A great guy doesn't pursue a married woman. You weren't available for a relationship so a 'mr perfect' who was decent wouldn't have had the opportunity to ask you out and date you
I would still have met him and gone “wow he’s sexy and smart and wonderful, I wish I was single”. And I haven’t met anyone like that.

I am exactly the same as you I settled and I miss the passion !!

Mamamamamia · 03/04/2022 10:43

@friendlyflicka i think your ex is my current

DH has a much less attractive mate, and last summer he : installed a bathroom from scratch and did up his whole back garden. This week hes flooring the attic.
DH thinks hes wonderful when he changes a lightbulb.

Livandme · 03/04/2022 13:00

I did fancy my ex dh. Totally did but as time went on and he aged and became very distant, I could not find any qualities about him that I liked never mind fancied.
I would love to find someone who fancied me as in hindsight I don't think my ex ever did and its really eaten away at me and made me lose a lot of confidence.

19Bears · 03/04/2022 18:50

That's really sad @Livandme I don't think mine had ever fancied me either. I think he just wanted a wife. And now that men actually do fancy me, I'm stuck in a marriage I don't want to be in. How lucky all of you who have found someone you want and wants you! So lucky!!

ravenmum · 03/04/2022 20:09

What matters is showing up. Being there every day. Holding your partner’s hand when she’s upset or scared. Cooking the dinner when she feels ill. Paying the mortgage reliably and taking the kids to football on Saturdays so she can have a rest. I don’t fancy him but I can guarantee that he’s got my back and that’s more important.
Those things are very important, aren't they? I didn't marry my exh for pragmatic reasons, and I did fancy him. But at no point could I ever have described him like this; he never had my back. I was young and inexperienced when we got together, and looking back I don't think I made a really great choice. You won't hear me judging yours, Cirelle.

The thing is, when you have been together since you were both young and beautiful, you still see that person in each other in middle age.
I met my partner when he was 52 so I've only ever seen photos of him as a young man. I can't say he was any more conventionally handsome back then, either! I wasn't a looker, either. But we still fancy one another. And like others have described, there are those moments when they laugh or give you a certain look and you get the flutters.
I do think that you're not only seeing them as they really are; there's a filter. But I don't think it's really about looks, necessarily.

pastaparadise · 03/04/2022 21:00

Sad to admit it but no I don't fancy dp. I don't find him facially attractive though he does have a good body.

I understand how people end up in relationships with people they don't lust after. I had 2 previous partners who I really loved and lusted after, but neither worked out. When I met dp I was early 30s and let my head rule my heart. For various reasons the combination of him being ardent, romantic, loyal, kind and financially stable overcame my gut instinct that he wasn't right, and I really wanted a family and panicked time was running out. So I settled.
I did fancy him in the early days as he's great in bed and I felt desired and desirable, but over the years that feeling has been lost as he's become less kind, not loyal, and unsupportive. I can't separate his behaviour off so I've fancied him less and less til there's nothing left

I feel very fortunate to have dc who are my world, but very sad I don't have them with a man I love.

Menora · 03/04/2022 21:08

Yeah I do. Not conventionally I don’t always look at him and think please rip off my clothes immediately. But he’s so welcoming and warm and I find myself wanting to be tactile with him, then feeling so secure with him makes me feel attracted to him. It’s a weird roundabout way of it I think. It’s more that hugging him always feels like home, I find myself wanting to climb into his arms randomly then from there I think it starts like an attraction where I want to be closer to him and we end up naked. It’s like a super comforting safe warm secure kind of thing

JanetLanesDaughter · 03/04/2022 21:15

Yes, very much so. I despised my ex husband though, a complete sex pest and half wit, but so happy in my current 15 year relationship.

Arcadia · 03/04/2022 21:26

@Menora

Yeah I do. Not conventionally I don’t always look at him and think please rip off my clothes immediately. But he’s so welcoming and warm and I find myself wanting to be tactile with him, then feeling so secure with him makes me feel attracted to him. It’s a weird roundabout way of it I think. It’s more that hugging him always feels like home, I find myself wanting to climb into his arms randomly then from there I think it starts like an attraction where I want to be closer to him and we end up naked. It’s like a super comforting safe warm secure kind of thing

I get this. At the end of our first date we hugged rather than kissed, and it instantly felt like home. We have never really had the ripping each other's clothes off thing (although there has been the odd incident over the years - on certain holidays) but I still find him attractive and like his body. It's comfortable rather than amazingly exciting. The only people I had amazing chemistry with were completely unsuitable.

Menora · 03/04/2022 21:34

Yes it’s hard to explain isn’t it @Arcadia but I also had great chemistry of the clothes ripping off with other people but I don’t think I ever felt as comfortable as I do now. Not hairy legs let it all hang out. Just that I can hug him and it’s not sexual at all, he won’t try to grope me, he just hugs me back, you don’t need to speak it’s just comforting, relaxing and secure. At first I was worried that there wasn’t that mad sexual spark but the cuddling was super intense and made me feel all kinds of ways and it went from there!

19Bears · 03/04/2022 22:43

All the cuddling is great, and feeling safe, and just being 'right' even without the clothes ripping passion, I'd be happy with that. But sadly none of that applies in our relationship - we just avoid each other as much as possible!! Sooner rather than later I have to get out 😫

Menora · 03/04/2022 23:15

The cuddling is intimacy. Once it’s gone it’s so hard to get back. I just mean that people think that passion or attraction is about ripping clothes off, and it’s not. I think it can be overlooked because it’s not sexy. If you can build a deep comfortable trust with someone of your boundaries and your personal space and feelings you can feel attraction in no so sexy ways. I have been very badly hurt in my life and violated so having a safe person is more important than having a sexy person. If you don’t feel safe with that person, sadly I think it’s over