Do you fancy your husband/partner?

[cellardoorr]

I'm not sure I ever have really, not in the way I'd like. Sounds awful I know!

I've never had that "just what to jump on you" feeling 😅 I really wish I had though! Am I missing out?

@Cirelle

what would you do if the man of your dreams came along? Have an affair and probably divorce. But it’s unlikely to happen. He hasn’t come along in the last 30 years so I think the odds are pretty low that he’s going to show up now. If an attractive man didn’t desire me when I was 20-something then I greatly doubt I’ll find one now as a 40-something with stretch marks and wrinkles and grey hair.

How do you reconcile the fact that your dc are half a man who wasn't the one?
I don’t regret it. He’s very intelligent and talented, I’m glad to have DC who inherited those traits. I respect and like him, I just don’t fancy him. As I said, my choice was DC who are half him or no DC at all.

Don't you feel you're doing your DC a bit of disservice by teaching them this is okay?! Do you want them to be as miserable as you are?

Don't you feel you're doing your DC a bit of disservice by teaching them this is okay?! Do you want them to be as miserable as you are?
I’ve been incredibly poor. And I’ve been financially stable but not attracted to my husband. Poor is worse.

@Cirelle

If you both entered into it with your eyes open, it seems a perfectly reasonable life choice to me. As you say, your options were what they were. He wanted to have sex with a younger woman and have a child. So I’m not really holding up my end of the bargain because I avoid sex as much as possible. I wish I’d had other options available but I didn’t. Neither did he. He’s probably happier than I am because he finds me physically attractive. I wish I hadn’t agreed to it actually but it’s too late now.

This set up, where there's no romantic, genuine affection between one another can actually be really damaging for kids to grow up witnessing.
There was no affection between my own parents. They divorced shortly after I left home. No affection between my grandparents either, they slept in separate beds. It seems normal to me. My Gran married for money too, her first husband died in WW2 and she needed another man to support her kids. It happens more often than you’d think.

I'm not saying it's rare, I agree it happens frequently.

But I think it then gets replicated by generations who think that an unaffectionate, cold arrangement is the best they can hope for and so expect it and / or settle for it. Generations of people in unhappy relationships, continuing the cycle.

Seeing parents who break up but co-parent successfully as single people who are both individually happy can help them to feel that they don't need to do that.

@Cirelle

Have an affair and probably divorce.

Affair and probably divorce? So you wouldn't even leave if "the man of your dreams" came along, you'd still keep using him financially but just shag someone on the side too so you get to have your cake and eat it?

What a horrible way to treat your partner that would be. Especially as you say he's a nice, kind man.

He could leave you. For another woman he falls in love with. Or he may just realise how you view him and decide he doesn't want this dynamic anymore. Do you have a plan for if that happens?

I’m not sure I do?
I was raped at 18 and lost my virginity that way. Then I met my boyfriend at 19 (tinder) after multiple bad first dates.

He’s intelligent, funny, fell in love with my pets and I always felt safe with him. But I don’t think I ever wanted to ‘jump him’ but I’ve never felt that way about anyone. Most people I can’t even hug as I’m autistic but I can cuddle up to him all night.

I'm so sorry that happened to you @NewYorkCityDreamer

I fancy the pants off my partner. Sometimes when I look at them I get that wee rush you get when you see someone you fancy in the early stages of or pre-relationship even though we're a number of years in now.

I lost that quite quickly with my ex-husband. He was actually a really handsome man but we weren't sexually compatible so even when he looked really good I didn't have that same viseral attraction that I have now with my DP. Given his behaviour with me I think he felt the same way with me (although he would never admit to it). We were together because he was my best friend though and had we wanted the same things out of life then I think it wouldn't have been the worst thing to have stayed together with someone that you don't have that lustful attraction to if everything else you want from your relationship is there.

And in my case we do have sex. Probably twice a week? He works late and I get up early. I know it’s not a lot for a 23 year old but it works for us and it’s a level I’m comfortable with. I’m receptive to his advances, I just don’t tend to instigate often.

It’s funny pheromones have been mentioned, OH only showers once a week yet I am really attracted to him, he also knows exactly which buttons to press. I dont stand a chance - even if I wanted to.

Affair and probably divorce?
I’d have to weigh up the age of my DC and the disruption caused by divorce against my own desire to be with this dream man. Sadly the well-being of my DC would probably win and I’d have to stay unhappily married.

But I think it then gets replicated by generations who think that an unaffectionate, cold arrangement is the best they can hope for
I disagree. I wanted a loving relationship, and I kept looking for one until time ran out for me to have a baby, and I still wish I had one. It wasn’t about my expectations, it was about the practicality of not having any money and running out of time to have kids.

He could leave you. For another woman he falls in love with.
I would be happy for him if that happened. I know we aren’t in love. I already have my DC and that’s the main reason I married him. He would still support DC.

@NewYorkCityDreamer that’s awful, I’m so sorry. I can relate to having a bad time in life and then meeting someone who offers safety and security. It’s tempting to accept even if you don’t fancy the person.

@Cirelle

Don't you feel you're doing your DC a bit of disservice by teaching them this is okay?! Do you want them to be as miserable as you are? I’ve been incredibly poor. And I’ve been financially stable but not attracted to my husband. Poor is worse.

You know that you can earn money don't you? It's not just men who can do that.

Honestly what a horrible example you're setting to your children.

I assume you married in a civil service @cirelle. I was blown away by the spirituality of the promises dh and I made before God.

I can sort of understand what you did but I don't think Incoukd have despite desperately wanting children. I was nearly 30 when dh and I met and he was 28 and skinner than skint.

I had worked hard and had my own house and if a man hadn't materialised (and I didn't think one would), I think I'd have been more likely to go it alone, chosing to be a single parent. Probably I wouldn’t have had the courage so I'd have turned into a mad cat lady.

What we're your interests before you met your dh? Bridge, tennis, cooking, painting, singing, church, politics? I think I'd have made a life that fulfilled me so if Mr Right didn't come along I'd have had a good and fulfilling life.

Why were you skint without a man? Didn't you work?

Apologies for typos.

Yes I do! Met when we were teens and 11 years later and two dc, I still want to rip his clothes off.

Yes definitely. He has gotten better with age.

You know that you can earn money don't you? It's not just men who can do that.
It’s easy to demonise the poor as being lazy isn’t it? Many people (both men and women) work hard but still don’t earn much money. I worked very hard but was never successful at getting promoted or earning much money. So I married someone who was more successful than me. He’s not rich but he had a house to raise children in and enough money to feed and clothe them.

My DH is absolutely gorgeous but it's literally the only thing going for him
hes a stone cold idiot ! And poor !
When he tells his mates are doing DIY in their homes at the weekend- i go weak at the knees
All the gorgeousness is now lost on me as all i see is a handsome man who doesnt know what a rawl plug is ...

@Cirelle

Thank you I do love him to bits and wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. He’s my best friend and we do have sex I think I’m maybe just asexual/traumatised/autistic

We have separate interests but lots that are the same and so excited to start a family with him once we’re settled in careers. He’s got gorgeous eyes and lovely hair and I love being close to him but I don’t want to jump on him. I’d rather play a board game/cook and dance together in the kitchen than have sex but I don’t hate it when we do have sex

I’m almost 53 I was married for 23 years and had sexless marriage for almost 15 of those years. Separated for four years, divorced for two, I now have a new partner who is 5 years older than me and the sexual chemistry is amazing. I only have to think about kissing him and I’m on the way…never had sex like it with my ex. I feel very lucky.

I have also never ‘self pleasured’ even before I was assaulted so I definitely think it’s a me issue rather than a relationship issue in my case

@Cirelle

You know that you can earn money don't you? It's not just men who can do that. It’s easy to demonise the poor as being lazy isn’t it? Many people (both men and women) work hard but still don’t earn much money. I worked very hard but was never successful at getting promoted or earning much money. So I married someone who was more successful than me. He’s not rich but he had a house to raise children in and enough money to feed and clothe them.

I never mentioned anything about being lazy

That's still frankly horrific. I feel very sorry for your children.

@maras2

Absolutely. He's gorgeous. We met when he was 19 and fancied him straight away. He's now 72 and I feel just the same.

💖

Absolutely fancy my DH. Together 14 years & still get butterflies❤️. Married 3 years & have a DD. If anything I fancy & love him more now that hes a Daddy💙 (Im hoping the feelings mutual😆) x

Hell yes the first time I met him I think my jaw hit the floor and 20 years later I still get butterflies when he walks into a room.