Do you fancy your husband/partner?

[cellardoorr]

I'm not sure I ever have really, not in the way I'd like. Sounds awful I know!

I've never had that "just what to jump on you" feeling 😅 I really wish I had though! Am I missing out?

Oh yes! Erratic periods are messing with our sex life a bit but I fantasise loads about sex with him. I have a high sex drive so think about it a lot- with DH, random celebs. I really couldn't not fancy my partner of 11 years.

I will add, that everyone thinks and feels differently. Just after having my DDs, for about a year, I didn't fancy anyone lol!

@toomanytwinkies
It wasn't an arranged marriage. We got together very young. Yes there was a spark there at the beginning. I loved being around him, etc etc. i had pretty low self confidence so there were times where I wasn't sure about the relationship but because he didn't treat me badly or anything, I didn't think it was right to leave him. And ultimately they weren't big doubts and I always moved past them. We've had a good relationship, physical side has never been the most important part. In my late 20s I probably went through a bit of a crisis and worried I'd never have children. I thought if I was going to meet anyone "more suited" to me, I'd have met them by then and I hadn't. I married him because for some reason (and I don't think like this now!), I wanted to be married before having a child. So I suppose you could say I settled, but I was happy with that.
I think I'd probably made peace with the physical side not being a big part of my life and then this attraction to someone else happened and felt like it opened my eyes! It was one of those things that I always thought COULD happen, I just didn't think it would.

The pp is none of those things. She's married for money, doesn't even like him and is actively waiting for her marriage to end.
Please point to where I said that? As I said before, he’s a very nice man: considerate and respectable, intelligent and talented, charitable and kind. I have the greatest respect for him. He’s just not attractive and I have no desire to have sex with him.

We got married because we got on as friends and we both wanted a family, and he had the money to support a child. I was at a point in my life where that was the only offer on the table and turning it down would mean being childless.

I don’t know what would happen if I actually met a single man who I was attracted to and who was attracted to me and wanted a serious relationship - but I don’t think there’s much risk of that happening because it hasn’t happened in the last 30 years when I was a much more desirable woman than I am now.

You'll never know that because you married someone you didn't love
Of course I know. Because Mr Perfect has never turned up and made me go “oh I wish I wasn’t married”. If I’d waited for him I’d still be alone because he’s never showed up.

Have to say @Cirelle, you're taking a lot of negative comments and responding very calmly 🙌
Something I've learnt mostly in the last few years is never to judge someone else's life or choices. It sounds like your children have brought you happiness and it was the right choice for you. It also sounds as though your husband is probably aware of how you feel (if you're not intimate often etc he can't really not be aware of it) and is okay with it. I think it would probably be worse if you faked intimacy with him. As long as the children are happy and loved by both parents, surely that's the most important thing!

@Cirelle bloody refreshing to see a poster conduct themselves with grace on one of these threads when heavily questioned! If it works for you then I see no problem with it. Personally it's not for me, but I did have a relationship with someone for years who if I had not had a child already I probably would've stayed with to achieve that. We all make our choices, and it is a fact of life that sometimes we have to compromise.

@Cirelle if I hadn't met my DH I mentioned above, I would have happily gone into an arrangement which offered financial stability with a good man who wanted a family as much as me.

Yes, but only been together for 2.5 years

I did for the first half of our relationship but breastfeeding and perimenopause has killed my libido. I have no sexual attraction to anything or anyone. I also find it really hard to orgasm now when I used to find it easy. I hope I'll get it back when the kids are older and I get more sleep/me time

The PP is right that it's pure luck whether you find someone you fancy who wants to marry you and have DCs before you are 40.

Men have all the time in the world. We dont.

I chose DC's.

I'll have later post childbearing years to find someone to have the passion of my youth with again.

I think it's the norm in long married women to not want much sex with their husbands.

That's what most women admit to when they're drunk!

@Cirelle

Because Mr Perfect has never turned up and made me go “oh I wish I wasn’t married”

A great guy doesn't pursue a married woman. You weren't available for a relationship so a 'mr perfect' who was decent wouldn't have had the opportunity to ask you out and date you. Only have an affair and you 'probably' leave your husband. Nice guys want more than that.

@Abracadabra12345

I’m amazed at all these posts saying how they still fancy the pants off their dh 30, 40 years on because I know no one like that in my social circle. I also don’t see any gorgeous men among them, either 😁

The thing is, when you have been together since you were both young and beautiful, you still see that person in each other in middle age.

My DH and I have aged together. We are mid 40's and have been with each other for 25 years.

He's my best friend. He's kind. He makes me laugh. He's clever. He's a great Dad. He supports me. He's interested in me. He makes me feel loved. We don't have sex every day, but when we do it's amazing.

I'm not saying he's perfect or not incredibly infuriating at times. But I love him. We are a family. I don't want anyone else.

@Cirelle

The pp is none of those things. She's married for money, doesn't even like him and is actively waiting for her marriage to end. Please point to where I said that? As I said before, he’s a very nice man: considerate and respectable, intelligent and talented, charitable and kind. I have the greatest respect for him. He’s just not attractive and I have no desire to have sex with him.

We got married because we got on as friends and we both wanted a family, and he had the money to support a child. I was at a point in my life where that was the only offer on the table and turning it down would mean being childless.

I don’t know what would happen if I actually met a single man who I was attracted to and who was attracted to me and wanted a serious relationship - but I don’t think there’s much risk of that happening because it hasn’t happened in the last 30 years when I was a much more desirable woman than I am now.

You'll never know that because you married someone you didn't love
Of course I know. Because Mr Perfect has never turned up and made me go “oh I wish I wasn’t married”. If I’d waited for him I’d still be alone because he’s never showed up.

You literally said hopefully one day my marriage will end!

Yes, he's gorgeous. I fancy the pants off of him.

I totally fancy my husband. Love the smell of him, I look at him and it makes my tummy feel funny. We have loads of sex. I assumed that was how a marriage should be and was normal. I'm shocked.

It sounds like your children have brought you happiness and it was the right choice for you. It also sounds as though your husband is probably aware of how you feel
We both failed to find love with someone who wanted to commit in a time frame that would allow us to have a family. He’s older so in that sense he was also running out of time, just the same as I was when I was approaching 40. We both wanted a stable relationship and a home with kids. We knew there was no passion between us but home, family and stability were still on the table and 3 out of 4 seemed like a good deal compared to nothing. I don’t think we’ll stay together in the long run and I do still hope that one day I might meet someone I love; actually I hope that he will too. As a pp said we have our post-childbearing years to find romantic fulfilment.

A great guy doesn't pursue a married woman. You weren't available for a relationship so a 'mr perfect' who was decent wouldn't have had the opportunity to ask you out and date you
I would still have met him and gone “wow he’s sexy and smart and wonderful, I wish I was single”. And I haven’t met anyone like that.

@Abracadabra12345

I’m amazed at all these posts saying how they still fancy the pants off their dh 30, 40 years on because I know no one like that in my social circle. I also don’t see any gorgeous men among them, either 😁

My husband and I have been together 33 years, since I was 20. I still fancy him and while I can see his hair is thinning and he’s got lines and wrinkles, I still see ‘him’. As he looked to me all those years ago and yes I still fancy him and still want to jump him regularly. He has turned into the man I always knew he would be - kind, loving, loyal, funny, an amazingly generous husband and father and these qualities make me love him more. I still think he’s gorgeous but lots of woman may not. He also still finds me attractive - wrinkles, stretch marks and all. We’ve aged together. It’s easy to fancy the pants off a man like this 😀

Cirelle if I hadn't met my DH I mentioned above, I would have happily gone into an arrangement which offered financial stability with a good man who wanted a family
The thing is, I did once love someone. Fancied the pants off him. His smile made me weak at the knees.

He left me. In the following years I struggled through unemployment, poverty, cancer, depression, loneliness, bullying at work, multiple bereavements, unfulfilled desire for home and family - completely alone. And I can tell you for sure that sexual attraction isn’t the most important thing. What matters is showing up. Being there every day. Holding your partner’s hand when she’s upset or scared. Cooking the dinner when she feels ill. Paying the mortgage reliably and taking the kids to football on Saturdays so she can have a rest. I don’t fancy him but I can guarantee that he’s got my back and that’s more important.

@LimeSegment

at pps who think it's "horrific" to be with someone you don't absolutely fancy the pants off. Yep so you'd be happy to be alone forever, no dc, no family, the mere idea that the perfect man might come along would keep you warm at night.

The reality is that life isn't a fairy tale, no one is perfect, lust doesn't last, there is no "the one". There is more to life than sex. If you are with a nice person who you love and have fun with, and have a lovely family life, thats a lot.

And for everyone on here saying "I have the perfect relationship, we fancy each other like crazy, that will never change, we've been together two years" - that's naive beyond belief, get back to me ten years from now.

Agree with this. Don't understand why @Cirelle is getting such a hard time. Life isn't a Mills & Boons novel.

@Cirelle

I work hard and don't earn Megabucks but we made it work, rather than me going off to find some rich man who I didn't like and waiting for my marriage to end and subjecting my children to it. I would have made it work too, if I was a “we”. If I’d met someone attractive who liked me equally and wanted to be with me. But I didn’t. So in the absence of the option to choose love, I chose someone who was a Good Prospect. I don’t see why that’s so difficult to understand? I didn’t reject love in favour of money - love wasn’t on the table for me.

You're getting a hard time, but I understand.

Historically marriage is a pragmatic economic arrangement. You've done nothing wrong.

Yes I fancy him loads, nobody I ever meet is as attractive as DH. I sometimes look at him when he's talking and can't concentrate because I'm busy thinking sexy things about him. Sorry you don't have that, OP.

Oh we've been together 15 years too so hopefully over the honeymoon period now!

When I met my DP, I thought he looked like a Greek God Still really fancy him and find myself gazing at him. Also makes it hard for me to stay angry at him when we have cross words.

The boyfriend I had before him, was decent looking but not really my type. I fell for him because he had such a good sense of humour. When I met current DP I remember appreciating the difference of really fancying him vs the ex.

@Cirelle

This is baffling to me that people MARRIED someone they don’t fancy. How on earth do things just ‘drift’ into that? Things didn’t drift. I actively chose to marry someone who was respectable and nice and financially stable, even though I didn’t fancy him. I chose the best option that was available to me given that I was nearly 40 and running out of time. If I’d had the option of marrying someone I fancied then I’d have done that, but I wasn’t fortunate enough to have that option.

I love your honesty and rationality. I was considering the same way of life, happened to meet someone I fancy at 34 (plus a good provider/successful) so it did work out for me in the end but I would 💯 consider settling down with a man I didn't fancy if I was close to 40, as having a child was my top priority.

Can I ask what if life like with your husband? Do you spend a lot of free time together, do you argue? Do you tell him 'I love you?' Do you think he feels similar to you?

@maras2

Absolutely. He's gorgeous. We met when he was 19 and fancied him straight away. He's now 72 and I feel just the same.

I do until he scratches his arse and farts... 😂