Page 5 | Do you fancy your husband/partner?

cellardoorr · 2022-04-01T09:35:49+00:00

I'm not sure I ever have really, not in the way I'd like. Sounds awful I know! I've never had that "just what to jump on you" feeling 😅 I really wish I had though! Am I missing out?

phizog · 01/04/2022 17:43

@AnneLovesGilbert

The smell thing is essential. I fancy the pants off DH. Wouldn’t have married him if I didn’t and thankfully I still do.

This. Smell is really what drives attraction for me past just the physical. My partner smells so good, I regularly sniff his pillow, shirt, him because it weirdly calms me down. Also fancy him very much, it really is the thing that stops me staying pissed off at him in arguments. I read a study once that biologically smell dictates who is a good mate so if you don't like your partner's scent, attraction won't come easily.

A lifetime is a loooooong time to be with someone you don't fancy, and to give up great sex.

fantasmasgoria1 · 01/04/2022 17:45

Absolutely. He's a very sexy man.

TedMullins · 01/04/2022 17:46

This is baffling to me that people MARRIED someone they don’t fancy. How on earth do things just ‘drift’ into that? And as for saying you did it for financial stability… that’s not for a man to give you. Sort your own finances and have a kid alone if that’s what you want.

Yes, I do fancy my boyfriend - but I’ve only been seeing him three months! Before that, I dated a guy who to all intents and purposes was pleasant, generous, helpful, funny. My friends said I should give him a chance and attraction might grow. It didn’t, I dumped him after six months. By that point everything he did irritated me, and the lack of attraction had become outright repulsion. I’ve tried it before - given someone a chance I didn’t fancy - and things only got worse. I cannot fathom how anyone can live like this, with someone they can’t bear to be touched by, let alone marry them! I’d rather be single for life. I was single for almost a decade save for a few ill fated flings and had happily deleted all dating apps and was at peace with, even excited for, my long term single future when I met my current boyfriend. If I stop fancying him though, I’ll have to end the relationship. For me, it spells the beginning of the end when the physical attraction goes.

Blossomandbee · 01/04/2022 17:47

Yes I do. We've been together 14 years and still have great chemistry and intimacy. He's very much my type physically and I still like to admire him! I like the shape of his hands and feet, his arms, his height. Nothing gives me the ick if that makes sense.
Do you feel any more of an attraction to other men op?

SophieHasOneQuestion · 01/04/2022 17:49

@TedMullins

This is baffling to me that people MARRIED someone they don’t fancy. How on earth do things just ‘drift’ into that? And as for saying you did it for financial stability… that’s not for a man to give you. Sort your own finances and have a kid alone if that’s what you want.

Yes, I do fancy my boyfriend - but I’ve only been seeing him three months! Before that, I dated a guy who to all intents and purposes was pleasant, generous, helpful, funny. My friends said I should give him a chance and attraction might grow. It didn’t, I dumped him after six months. By that point everything he did irritated me, and the lack of attraction had become outright repulsion. I’ve tried it before - given someone a chance I didn’t fancy - and things only got worse. I cannot fathom how anyone can live like this, with someone they can’t bear to be touched by, let alone marry them! I’d rather be single for life. I was single for almost a decade save for a few ill fated flings and had happily deleted all dating apps and was at peace with, even excited for, my long term single future when I met my current boyfriend. If I stop fancying him though, I’ll have to end the relationship. For me, it spells the beginning of the end when the physical attraction goes.

This is empowering. Thank you.

OrlandointheWilderness · 01/04/2022 17:53

God yes. I feel sorry for you all because I've nabbed the most gorgeous man on the planet! And yes smell is vital, he smells like nothing else in earth and it's divine.
Didn't fancy the X. Started through loneliness and friendship and shouldn't have gone as far as it did. It was always a struggle for me sexually.

ClemDanFango · 01/04/2022 17:55

Still fancy the pants off him after 15 years together. He’s got everything I fancy in a man 6’4, broad shoulders, huge biceps and pecs, plays rugby and is the most gentle, funniest person despite appearances. He’s kind considerate, witty and a gorgeous human being. Love and fancy everything about him.

SquirrelFan · 01/04/2022 18:05

This is baffling to me that people MARRIED someone they don’t fancy. How on earth do things just ‘drift’ into that? And as for saying you did it for financial stability… that’s not for a man to give you. Sort your own finances and have a kid alone if that’s what you want.
First of all, it's easy to drift into a marriage - lack of confidence, or even just knowing you aren't a great catch (not that attractive, etc), bad experiences with men that really tickled your fancy but were unreliable or unfaithful... And secondly, if you're going to settle, you might as well settle for someone who will help you be comfortable. If the person you marry is happy to have you (whether because he thinks you love him or he doesn't care), then holding out for a love/lust that may never happen doesn't make sense. As a previous poster said, different people get different things out of marriage.

miroo · 01/04/2022 18:12

Yes. We've been together 10 years, married for 7 years and he still gives me butterflies.

He is a good and kind man, very funny, and generous to a fault. He can be a dick leaving his pants NEXT to the laundry bin but even then I still fancy him.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 01/04/2022 18:14

We definitely have the pheromone driven list connection. I had a boyfriend when we first met at university and I remember feeling secretly guilty the night we met as my heart was literally pounding in my chest for hours afterwards. We’re 18 years and three dc on from our first heady days together but he still makes me fluttery and ridiculous when he flirts with me. Sometimes we’ll be doing something mundane with the kids or chores and I’ll catch sight of his forearms or hear him singing and just want to jump him.

We’ve had plenty of tough times in our marriage and that intense connection is definitely part of the reason we’ve been able to weather them. I’ve never had anything close to it and it is part of what keeps life fun and makes us more than just parents.

7catsisnotenough · 01/04/2022 18:20

6 years in, 3 year wedding anniversary today and I still look at DH and melt... He's crap at cards and presents but he's always there, always looks after me and always considers what's best for us before anything else.

When he puts his arm around me when we're out...yep, he's definitely the one 😍

I just can't believe that I've finally been so lucky!

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 01/04/2022 18:23

Yes we fancy each other, it was a stop, stare and instant connection, lust, etc. 3 yrs on it's still there we just get on each other tits from time to time.

However, there is a woman, who made me bristle with attraction on our first date, we had a brief passionate lusty fling for 4-5 months.
Split up, she tried the door again 12 months later, but I'd met my current DP.
Everything about her released wave after wave of chemicals, Dopamine, norepinephrine, etc. That level of attraction makes a person ill. It's utterly, utterly insane.

BingBangB0ng · 01/04/2022 18:23

@gannett

In my wild party days I met a few kids who'd grown up in homes where it was obvious their mum was only with their dad for his money (or "stability", whatever). They wanted for nothing materially, but I have all too vivid memories of more than one of them using the 5am afterparty as their personal therapy session while hoovering up Class A drugs.

It’s weird how desperate you are to make people feel guilty for not prioritising lust when choosing a life partner. Probably the majority of the world’s population don’t prioritise that.

I personally did begin my relationship with my husband based on lust, having fun and shagging constantly, though it’s tailed off a bit with a toddler and a 4 month old, but I think it’s kind of grim how sure you are people have no right to prioritise other things.

redbigbananafeet · 01/04/2022 18:26

@ravenmum

Yes, I do. For me, smell is a major factor

. I couldn't get into bed with him otherwise. Is that an issue for you? Do you mean you are asexual or just don't fancy this partner, or do you mean something else?

When my partner goes abroad to work I request he wears a T-shirt for a good few days before he leaves so I've a 'smelly'. I'm also currently wearing his pajama trousers 😆

MoonOnASpoon · 01/04/2022 18:32

I didn't get together with my ex for stability, but because I fell in love (or thought I did) despite him not being my type. I convinced myself I did fancy him because I loved him. But actually I didn't really and when I came to realise what he was really like and not the soulmate I'd thought, that made the resultant ick really unbearable - there wasn't even lust going for him.

Whereas the one I was with before him, while a sexist and a cheating bastard, made me weak at the knees and I would still jump him in a second! It's a big difference.

Gilly12345 · 01/04/2022 18:35

No

Kinkyweirdo · 01/04/2022 18:47

Not exactly, but I'm aroused by the idea of being compelled to 'service' a man that I'm not attracted to and act as if I'm enjoying it! I keep this fantasy to myself, but it can add to my pleasure at times.

I do think DH has a sexy voice, and he's very open-minded in bed, which is appealing.

Macanncheese · 01/04/2022 18:48

No

SadButTheTruth · 01/04/2022 18:58

Why is the fancying your partner so essential if there is friendship, connection and support? I’m glad for all of you who seem to have intensely physical relationships with your partners, but I think different relationships all work differently. My husband is not ugly and was considered a catch back in the day, but has never “done” it for with looks or physique. But he’s an amazing friend and provider and we support each other. I can’t see us splitting up as we’ve got each other through so many tough times. I’d love to be with someone whose clothes I want to rip off them, but I just don’t think that was meant to be for me. The ones who get me going should have sent me running for the hills!!

Original poster

cellardoorr · 01/04/2022 19:07

Didn't expect so many responses! I'm sooo jealous of all you women who fancy the pants off their partner, even in the middle of an argument! That's when DH is the least attractive to me 😂

DH is my only sexual partner and we got together very young. I always had a bit of a niggle but we got on well, he was a good person and tbh I think the fact my mum had almost drilled into me from a young age that all men are bastards made me cling to this one!
I've been attracted to other men before in a "oh he's good looking" kind of way but I recently had a strong attraction to someone which was a definite "woah" moment for me as I'd never felt like that before. I'd almost believed that I didn't have that in me or something. Nothing happened but it feels a bit like seeing something I can't unsee, although I have tried!

OP posts:

ChameFangeNail · 01/04/2022 19:07

It’s not so much about shallow looks, I think it’s more about sexual chemistry which can be present even when you’re both carrying a few pounds and have grey pubes (speaking from experience).

I think the knee-trembling lust for bad boys is something different again - usually when we’re trauma-bonding with someone who’s triggering us. It’s not the same thing as genuinely fancying the pants off someone.

Dutifully having sex with someone youre fond of but don’t fancy is soul destroying. I’ve been there.

ChameFangeNail · 01/04/2022 19:09

@cellardoorr

Didn't expect so many responses! I'm sooo jealous of all you women who fancy the pants off their partner, even in the middle of an argument! That's when DH is the least attractive to me 😂

DH is my only sexual partner and we got together very young. I always had a bit of a niggle but we got on well, he was a good person and tbh I think the fact my mum had almost drilled into me from a young age that all men are bastards made me cling to this one!
I've been attracted to other men before in a "oh he's good looking" kind of way but I recently had a strong attraction to someone which was a definite "woah" moment for me as I'd never felt like that before. I'd almost believed that I didn't have that in me or something. Nothing happened but it feels a bit like seeing something I can't unsee, although I have tried!

Cross posted with you OP.

Yes, once you know what that feeling is like, it’s very hard to settle for less.

ChampooPapi · 01/04/2022 19:19

He Irritates , he confounds, he bemused, he has made me want to scream several times....and not in a good way!

But fancy him? God yes! He's absolutely beautiful. Fancy him every second of every day. 12 years together and 4 equally as confounding children.

It's not the glue that holds us together, his values and character, as well as other things I won't bore you with , hold us firm as a couple.

But the attraction helps!

I do think it's an important factor

Musttryharder2021 · 01/04/2022 19:20

@TedMullins

This is baffling to me that people MARRIED someone they don’t fancy. How on earth do things just ‘drift’ into that? And as for saying you did it for financial stability… that’s not for a man to give you. Sort your own finances and have a kid alone if that’s what you want.

Yes, I do fancy my boyfriend - but I’ve only been seeing him three months! Before that, I dated a guy who to all intents and purposes was pleasant, generous, helpful, funny. My friends said I should give him a chance and attraction might grow. It didn’t, I dumped him after six months. By that point everything he did irritated me, and the lack of attraction had become outright repulsion. I’ve tried it before - given someone a chance I didn’t fancy - and things only got worse. I cannot fathom how anyone can live like this, with someone they can’t bear to be touched by, let alone marry them! I’d rather be single for life. I was single for almost a decade save for a few ill fated flings and had happily deleted all dating apps and was at peace with, even excited for, my long term single future when I met my current boyfriend. If I stop fancying him though, I’ll have to end the relationship. For me, it spells the beginning of the end when the physical attraction goes.

Lots of cultures practice arranged marriages, attraction and fancying isn't a necessary component.

Jellybellyfun88 · 01/04/2022 19:40

I live in London and come across a huge number of people on a weekly basis. I see one stand out good looking man perhaps once or twice a year.
I find men mostly very unattractive especially in the U.K sadly. Perhaps my standards are just too high.
I’ve had only two relationships where I’ve really fancied the man but they weren’t a good fit for me otherwise.
I find friendship and compatibility in terms of personalities far more important than sexual chemistry.