Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you fancy your husband/partner?

298 replies

cellardoorr · 01/04/2022 10:35

I'm not sure I ever have really, not in the way I'd like. Sounds awful I know!

I've never had that "just what to jump on you" feeling 😅 I really wish I had though! Am I missing out?

OP posts:
stripeyflowers · 01/04/2022 15:50

Yes. Even when I am angry with him. Sometimes it annoys me. Blush

Bailey48 · 01/04/2022 16:03

@cellardoorr

I'm not sure I ever have really, not in the way I'd like. Sounds awful I know!

I've never had that "just what to jump on you" feeling 😅 I really wish I had though! Am I missing out?

Could have written this myself !!! Having major second thoughts at the moment
Bailey48 · 01/04/2022 16:07

@Cirelle

No I don’t fancy my husband. I married him for financial stability and to have a child before I was too old. He’s a good father and a good person.

I have had that “want to jump on you” feeling with other partners in the past. But they didn’t want a serious long term relationship with me. I’m glad I had the experience of feeling like that. I miss it. I daydream about it. Hopefully one day my marriage will end and I’ll be able to feel like that again with someone else. But for now I have to prioritise financial stability for my child which means staying with my husband.

Omg me too !
FlaxenPaws · 01/04/2022 16:09

I still fancy my husband, he still makes my tummy do flips and my heart flutter. 12 years on and I'm still as goo goo eyed about him now as I was then.

dipdye · 01/04/2022 16:11

Not really. I liked the idea of him though

Burnlamour · 01/04/2022 16:12

Not at all unfortunately :(
I feel that over many years of crap behaviour on his part as well as pretty griss personal habits (which he knows I don't like but he won't change) have knocked any attraction for him out of me.
I've only met one person in my life who I fancied like nothing on earth and who set every cell in me on fire, physically, mentally, emotionally. Nothing has compared before or since. Sadly it wasn't to be!!
Once you've experienced that though (and know what's possible) it does feel like something is missing.

Burnlamour · 01/04/2022 16:13

Gross not grissBlush

Cirelle · 01/04/2022 16:17

This is one of the saddest things I've read. How utterly soul destroying it must be.
On the contrary. I have a child, a nice home and a car. I don’t worry about money. Literally the only thing missing from my life is sexual attraction. Should I have given up all those other things in the hope of finding someone I fancied who fancied me back and was willing to commit? Given that I’d been dating for over 20 years and this person hadn’t appeared, should I have kept looking even though it would have meant missing my chance to have a child?

Yes I feel sad that I don’t have sex. But I’d be even sadder if I didn’t have a child. The fact is, it’s pure luck whether you meet someone who’s attractive and wants to marry you and have babies before you’re 40. If you’re not lucky then you have some very hard choices to make.

Justrestingmyeyes1 · 01/04/2022 16:22

Definitely! I think he’s gorgeous and I have since I first laid eyes on him when I was 20. We’ve been together 33 years and I still fancy him.

TwoBulletsFiveZombies · 01/04/2022 16:23

Yes completely, although we're just under 2 years together so it might wear off but no sign so far of it doing. I've never had it before with previous partners though even in the early stages so it's a novelty. I love watching him do all his manly things like building fences and driving big machines. I could happily stare at his bum all day.

I'm like @stripeyflowers , I try to get angry at him and he just grins at me all mischievous and its like offftt....never mind Grin

Minikievs · 01/04/2022 16:24

@cellardoorr

I'm not sure I ever have really, not in the way I'd like. Sounds awful I know!

I've never had that "just what to jump on you" feeling 😅 I really wish I had though! Am I missing out?

I used to feel exactly the same about my ex husband. Until after a little while it turned into absolute repulsion (he was an abusive arsehole so I'm not saying that you'll end up feeling that too)

After a few false starts with other arseholes, I now have a boyfriend who has finally made me understand how other people feel about their other halves, mentally physically and emotionally. I literally couldn't fancy him any more than I do.
I appreciate we are in honeymoon phase though (one year in)

gannett · 01/04/2022 16:27

@Cirelle

No I don’t fancy my husband. I married him for financial stability and to have a child before I was too old. He’s a good father and a good person.

I have had that “want to jump on you” feeling with other partners in the past. But they didn’t want a serious long term relationship with me. I’m glad I had the experience of feeling like that. I miss it. I daydream about it. Hopefully one day my marriage will end and I’ll be able to feel like that again with someone else. But for now I have to prioritise financial stability for my child which means staying with my husband.

I don't know whether I'm more depressed on behalf of your husband, your child, or you. I know I wouldn't want to be in any of your shoes.

Most people I know who wanted financial stability went out and worked for it themselves. The women I know who didn't find a suitable partner before they were too old to have children made peace with not having children and have found other ways to have personally and socially fulfilling lives.

gannett · 01/04/2022 16:28

To answer the question, of course I fancy DP, both the minute I laid eyes on him and still 10 years later.

I cannot imagine "drifting into a relationship" with a man I didn't fancy. Even the start of a relationship requires a level of commitment that I could not be motivated to find for someone I wasn't into.

ReadyforTakeOff · 01/04/2022 16:29

Nah, course I don't. A long term relationship will inevitably ultimately lead to feelings changing over time as you grow and develop.

Of course if neither of you change at all then I can understand people not getting bored.

ChloeHel · 01/04/2022 16:30

I’m not a very “sexual” person in the sense that I am constantly wanting DH, but I always look at him and think he’s gorgeous and definitely fancy him.

However, I’m currently pregnant and never craved my DH so much 😂 the dreams are crazy! but I have hyperemesis so unfortunately I can’t even put it to good use haha.

ReadyforTakeOff · 01/04/2022 16:32

@Cirelle

This is one of the saddest things I've read. How utterly soul destroying it must be. On the contrary. I have a child, a nice home and a car. I don’t worry about money. Literally the only thing missing from my life is sexual attraction. Should I have given up all those other things in the hope of finding someone I fancied who fancied me back and was willing to commit? Given that I’d been dating for over 20 years and this person hadn’t appeared, should I have kept looking even though it would have meant missing my chance to have a child?

Yes I feel sad that I don’t have sex. But I’d be even sadder if I didn’t have a child. The fact is, it’s pure luck whether you meet someone who’s attractive and wants to marry you and have babies before you’re 40. If you’re not lucky then you have some very hard choices to make.

I can totally understand. No one is perfect and you need to balance what's important for you. Picking a partner is like picking a house - there are always compromises to make and people want different things.

Just as much of a pain in the ass moving house as it is finding a new partner. :)

gannett · 01/04/2022 16:32

@Cirelle

This is one of the saddest things I've read. How utterly soul destroying it must be. On the contrary. I have a child, a nice home and a car. I don’t worry about money. Literally the only thing missing from my life is sexual attraction. Should I have given up all those other things in the hope of finding someone I fancied who fancied me back and was willing to commit? Given that I’d been dating for over 20 years and this person hadn’t appeared, should I have kept looking even though it would have meant missing my chance to have a child?

Yes I feel sad that I don’t have sex. But I’d be even sadder if I didn’t have a child. The fact is, it’s pure luck whether you meet someone who’s attractive and wants to marry you and have babies before you’re 40. If you’re not lucky then you have some very hard choices to make.

It's not just about you. How does your husband feel about having a wife who's never been attracted to him? How will your child feel when they start navigating relationships themselves, and they realise that their model hasn't been based on mutual attraction and respect, but at least one side just using the other?

To be blunt, yes, you should have missed your chance to have a child. We don't always get what we want in life for a million reasons - child, career, house, wealth, whatever - but we shouldn't use other people to get those things.

Comedycook · 01/04/2022 16:38

My friend did this. Married a boring but kind, stable, solvent man that she has zero attraction to and never has. I honestly couldn't do it.

Flipflopfoodle · 01/04/2022 16:41

God yes, married 21 years. Sometimes I could just leap on him and ride him to Kentucky and back. Only man I've ever felt it with though, and I think it must be pheromones

gannett · 01/04/2022 16:42

In my wild party days I met a few kids who'd grown up in homes where it was obvious their mum was only with their dad for his money (or "stability", whatever). They wanted for nothing materially, but I have all too vivid memories of more than one of them using the 5am afterparty as their personal therapy session while hoovering up Class A drugs.

Packit · 01/04/2022 16:44

Do I want to jump on him ? Yes I do but only because he does far too much and I worry about him, I want to hold him down for his health reasons !

GreyTS · 01/04/2022 16:45

Oh god yes, but we've only been together for 2 years and don't live together but when he walks in the door I get all hot and bothered, I'd fuck him anywhere, anytime. But he is very good looking, I like to think we match 😂 I didn't feel this way about my DH, it's why I left after 16 years, always thought we were more partners than lovers but then it turned out he had no respect for me either

Original poster
cellardoorr · 01/04/2022 16:47

@gannett

In my wild party days I met a few kids who'd grown up in homes where it was obvious their mum was only with their dad for his money (or "stability", whatever). They wanted for nothing materially, but I have all too vivid memories of more than one of them using the 5am afterparty as their personal therapy session while hoovering up Class A drugs.
This is terrifying food for thought!
OP posts:
Crabbyboot · 01/04/2022 16:51

@cellardoorr

I think I've always felt guilty about feeling like this so have pushed the thoughts aside. He's a good person, caring etc. I'm just finding that with time I'm withdrawing more and more.
This is exactly how I felt about my ex, he was a good man but no sexual chemistry. It's not the reason we broke up, but I was so young when we got together I don't think I knew what real love and passion felt like.
Tittyfilarious · 01/04/2022 16:53

Absolutely, I've fancied him from the moment I set eyes on him 27 years ago and I still think he's absolutely gorgeous 🥰