Do you fancy your husband/partner?

[cellardoorr]

I'm not sure I ever have really, not in the way I'd like. Sounds awful I know!

I've never had that "just what to jump on you" feeling 😅 I really wish I had though! Am I missing out?

This is baffling to me that people MARRIED someone they don’t fancy. How on earth do things just ‘drift’ into that?
Things didn’t drift. I actively chose to marry someone who was respectable and nice and financially stable, even though I didn’t fancy him. I chose the best option that was available to me given that I was nearly 40 and running out of time. If I’d had the option of marrying someone I fancied then I’d have done that, but I wasn’t fortunate enough to have that option.

Absolutely, he’s a walking talking thirst trap. Surely if you’re not sexually attracted to them you’re in a friendship, rather than a relationship.

@Cirelle

This is one of the saddest things I've read. How utterly soul destroying it must be. On the contrary. I have a child, a nice home and a car. I don’t worry about money. Literally the only thing missing from my life is sexual attraction. Should I have given up all those other things in the hope of finding someone I fancied who fancied me back and was willing to commit? Given that I’d been dating for over 20 years and this person hadn’t appeared, should I have kept looking even though it would have meant missing my chance to have a child?

Yes I feel sad that I don’t have sex. But I’d be even sadder if I didn’t have a child. The fact is, it’s pure luck whether you meet someone who’s attractive and wants to marry you and have babies before you’re 40. If you’re not lucky then you have some very hard choices to make.

It's certainly sad for your poor husband who you say is a good person, who you would like to leave once you don't need his money any more, having married him specifically for financial stability.

Poor bloke, that genuinely makes me sad for him.

I'm taking the full complement of hrt, including testosterone. It hasn't worked so far.

Most people I know who wanted financial stability went out and worked for it themselves. The women I know who didn't find a suitable partner before they were too old to have children made peace with not having children.
I did work. Very hard and very long hours. It didn’t create financial stability for me. I struggled to make ends meet because I was on a zero hour contract and I didn’t get paid enough. I wouldn’t be able to “make peace” with not having children. I wanted a child and my best option was to marry someone who also wanted a child and could afford one. So I married an older man with a good job who wanted a family. He also failed to meet someone who was right for him so we settled for each other. I won’t deny I’m envious of those who have love and attraction, but that was never an option that was available for me to choose.

I didn’t find my husband remotely sexually attractive, had to force myself to conceive children and after we had the second we didn’t have sex again - split when he was 5.

His behaviour over the years killed any attraction I ever had for him and gave me the ick. My partner now I have been with for 5 years and I find him very attractive and desirable.

@Cirelle

Most people I know who wanted financial stability went out and worked for it themselves. The women I know who didn't find a suitable partner before they were too old to have children made peace with not having children. I did work. Very hard and very long hours. It didn’t create financial stability for me. I struggled to make ends meet because I was on a zero hour contract and I didn’t get paid enough. I wouldn’t be able to “make peace” with not having children. I wanted a child and my best option was to marry someone who also wanted a child and could afford one. So I married an older man with a good job who wanted a family. He also failed to meet someone who was right for him so we settled for each other. I won’t deny I’m envious of those who have love and attraction, but that was never an option that was available for me to choose.

What’s your life like on a day to day basis? Do you enjoy each other’s company? Are you intimate with each other on an emotional level?

The night I met him I was bowled over by his tall, blonde, good looks. 33 years later he still bowls me over and I love him all the more for his bald patch and tum. Still has fantastic legs .

I don't think I could have slept with a man I didn't fancy. After 33 years with DH I'd never want to sleep with another man if, god forbid, anything were to happen to him.

What’s your life like on a day to day basis?
He goes to work before I get up in the morning. I look after DC and I’m studying to hopefully get a part time job. He doesn’t get home till 7pm. We have dinner then one of us has to put DC to bed. After DC goes to sleep, if we’re still awake we watch tv separately because we don’t like the same tv shows. At the weekend we have to drive DC to hobbies and do chores. He gardens and I do laundry. He sometimes works Sundays.

We get on ok as friends in the limited time we spend together, there’s just no attraction. He would like to have missionary sex but I avoid it as much as possible and make sure it’s over quickly. We don’t go out together because we don’t have any family available for childcare, if we go out it’s usually separately because one person has to stay at home and babysit. I’m aware it’s not a great situation but due to my age it was this or nothing. I do envy those who had the chance to have kids with someone they love, it was just never on the table for me.

I really do. I first saw him when we were both 18 in a play and fancied him like crazy, and thought about him for WEEKS. Then our paths crossed at 20 and it was a done deal. I always tell him I can’t believe I got to marry my crush.

@maras2

Absolutely. He's gorgeous. We met when he was 19 and fancied him straight away. He's now 72 and I feel just the same.

❤❤❤

Yes, loads.

Oh yes!! 12 years in and still yes

@Cirelle

What’s your life like on a day to day basis? He goes to work before I get up in the morning. I look after DC and I’m studying to hopefully get a part time job. He doesn’t get home till 7pm. We have dinner then one of us has to put DC to bed. After DC goes to sleep, if we’re still awake we watch tv separately because we don’t like the same tv shows. At the weekend we have to drive DC to hobbies and do chores. He gardens and I do laundry. He sometimes works Sundays.

We get on ok as friends in the limited time we spend together, there’s just no attraction. He would like to have missionary sex but I avoid it as much as possible and make sure it’s over quickly. We don’t go out together because we don’t have any family available for childcare, if we go out it’s usually separately because one person has to stay at home and babysit. I’m aware it’s not a great situation but due to my age it was this or nothing. I do envy those who had the chance to have kids with someone they love, it was just never on the table for me.

This set up, where there's no romantic, genuine affection between one another can actually be really damaging for kids to grow up witnessing.

They think it's what they should aim for and that all relationships are like that when actually they can be fun and affectionate and truly equal. They're likely to replicate it themselves and therefore also be deprived the truly loving relationship you always longed for.

I've been that kid and it's hard to unlearn so if you think you're staying 'for the kids' then please do consider the down side (for them) of doing so as it's often overlooked.

OP - I don’t want you to feel bad or alone. Half of marriages end in divorce and many more will be unhappy. I’ve lost count of the number of married women I know who don’t fancy their husbands and aren’t having sex. None have split up. It’s more common than this thread suggests. Just look at the posts across this website. It’s normal to go through a honeymoon phase but it doesn’t tend to last. People who still fancy the pants off their partners are in a minority I would say. It grows into a different type of love and respect over time.

It’s up to you how you move forward in life and I wish you all the best

@Cirelle

What’s your life like on a day to day basis? He goes to work before I get up in the morning. I look after DC and I’m studying to hopefully get a part time job. He doesn’t get home till 7pm. We have dinner then one of us has to put DC to bed. After DC goes to sleep, if we’re still awake we watch tv separately because we don’t like the same tv shows. At the weekend we have to drive DC to hobbies and do chores. He gardens and I do laundry. He sometimes works Sundays.

We get on ok as friends in the limited time we spend together, there’s just no attraction. He would like to have missionary sex but I avoid it as much as possible and make sure it’s over quickly. We don’t go out together because we don’t have any family available for childcare, if we go out it’s usually separately because one person has to stay at home and babysit. I’m aware it’s not a great situation but due to my age it was this or nothing. I do envy those who had the chance to have kids with someone they love, it was just never on the table for me.

If you both entered into it with your eyes open, it seems a perfectly reasonable life choice to me. As you say, your options were what they were.

What a terribly sad thread. I fancied DH like crazy, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other for our entire 16 years together. He has been dead for 30 years, and I still miss him. I have never remarried - I couldn’t imagine loving any man that much again, or finding one so attractive, loving, and good in bed.

@cirelle what would you do if the man of your dreams came along? How do you reconcile the fact that your dc are half a man who wasn't the one? Do you never look at your dc and lose your heart a little more because they have a look of or the mannerisms of their father, your husband?

If you both entered into it with your eyes open, it seems a perfectly reasonable life choice to me. As you say, your options were what they were.
He wanted to have sex with a younger woman and have a child. So I’m not really holding up my end of the bargain because I avoid sex as much as possible. I wish I’d had other options available but I didn’t. Neither did he. He’s probably happier than I am because he finds me physically attractive. I wish I hadn’t agreed to it actually but it’s too late now.

This set up, where there's no romantic, genuine affection between one another can actually be really damaging for kids to grow up witnessing.
There was no affection between my own parents. They divorced shortly after I left home. No affection between my grandparents either, they slept in separate beds. It seems normal to me. My Gran married for money too, her first husband died in WW2 and she needed another man to support her kids. It happens more often than you’d think.

@Cirelle

This is baffling to me that people MARRIED someone they don’t fancy. How on earth do things just ‘drift’ into that? Things didn’t drift. I actively chose to marry someone who was respectable and nice and financially stable, even though I didn’t fancy him. I chose the best option that was available to me given that I was nearly 40 and running out of time. If I’d had the option of marrying someone I fancied then I’d have done that, but I wasn’t fortunate enough to have that option.

I feel really sorry for him. How sad.

To answer the op, yep absolutely. I feel incredibly lucky.

I definitely fancy my DH.

@maras2

Absolutely. He's gorgeous. We met when he was 19 and fancied him straight away. He's now 72 and I feel just the same.

I just love this 🥰

Very very much. He's gorgeous even when he's being a sulky twat

what would you do if the man of your dreams came along?
Have an affair and probably divorce. But it’s unlikely to happen. He hasn’t come along in the last 30 years so I think the odds are pretty low that he’s going to show up now. If an attractive man didn’t desire me when I was 20-something then I greatly doubt I’ll find one now as a 40-something with stretch marks and wrinkles and grey hair.

How do you reconcile the fact that your dc are half a man who wasn't the one?
I don’t regret it. He’s very intelligent and talented, I’m glad to have DC who inherited those traits. I respect and like him, I just don’t fancy him. As I said, my choice was DC who are half him or no DC at all.

I didn't fancy my ex H. I thought I was left on the shelf in my mid thirties.
I have a new man now and I absolutely fancy him to bits. He smells good too. It helps that we enjoy doing the same things and are able to talk.
My confidence was poor when I settled with my H. We're still good friends and co-parent really well. He's met someone new and I was really happy for him. But from experience, I really do have to fancy the man that I'm with.