What could I text after being ghosted?

[TeaMilkAnd2Sugars]

..after having sex.

I know the advice is usually not to bother sending anything and I tend to agree but I've known this person for many years and I thought we had a mutual respect for one another so I'm quite hurt by the disrespect.

FWIW I don't even want a reply from him now, but I do want to pull him up on being so rude and make sure he knows not to bother me again in the future.

I think sit on it for the weekend, don't initiate anything and see what happens. But prepare to be disappointed with him and that it may not turn out as you'd like.

Do you feel satisfied with where it has been left? Or more anxious?

It's possible this isn't for you, and that can be for lots of reasons that are totally outside your control.

I'd urge you though to consider what it is you thought you wanted from it. This may serve you well going into future situations. And this of course may change.

The reason I say this is because I went into things thinking I wanted a certain format of relationship and this has evolved over time to something different and been tested by various scenarios and me sitting with how I felt about it.

FWIW - sleep with whoever you want, whenever you want.

It is that age old excuse isn't it? Complicated life, busy with work. The gym - training (that got thrown in there aswell)

I'm satisfied that I know where i stand. He had fun, would probably like to do it again but there's too much going on in his life for it to be anything other than casual sex.

There's nothing necessarily wrong with that mind you, if he'd have laid his cards out on the table at the start then chances are I would have been cool with that.

OK this is what fecks me off about men. They are useless at casual sex. They could have a good arrangement with a woman who wants the same but they so often ruin it by being weird, uncommunicative and disrespectful....

So, Rather than being totally upfront about where they're at/what they can offer in terms of time they instead just ..... stop replying to messages post sex...thats the message that they can't really do a commitment right now. Then turn up again a week later with a 'fancy drinks?'...this isnt the first time I've seen this behaviour. Its so....off-putting

If it were me I'd just reply with
'Sounds like you've got a lot going on, good luck with it all' and never speak to him again 😂

Casual isn't for everyone though and I think casual has to come with a lot of frank and honest discussion from the get go.

To be honest, probably without exclusivity - so you'd need to be really okay with them seeing and talking to others, and consider it yourself as well.

Falling into casual with a hope it'll turn into more is to be avoided at all costs.

I hope you had fun too, sex is a two way street!

Yep that's what annoyed me, the lack of clarity and communication which resulted in me feeling ghosted and disrespected.

I know there's no obligation to get in touch after sex if no promises were made but I thought given that we'd known each other so long I wouldn't have to contend with being blanked and should have been able to rely on him to be upfront.

Had he said last week "I'm not looking for a relationship but I'd like to see you on a casual basis if that's something you would be up for" I would have said sure, let's do it.

I didn't meet up with him with any expectations that we'd get back together, I don't actually have that much free time myself - to pursue and nurture a serious relationship at the minute - so casual would have suited me just fine.

I'm not feeling it now though, something that could have been nice has been spoilt.

Exactly @TeaMilkAnd2Sugars, if it had been done with basic courtesies and communication it would be different.

IME if someone is interested they will make time.

The 'things are complicated right now/I'm really busy' line is usually rolled out by someone who has little intention of making an effort, so when you inevitably get upset later down the line they can tell themselves that they were upfront with you/you knew what you were getting into.

It sounds like you are more invested in this than your ex, so I would walk away.

IME men also don't get the passive aggressive stuff (it comes across needy, not witty) so I would personally keep things brief.

Yes I've definitely been the more invested of the two of us, that much is clear. I doubt he has given it a second thought until the weekend approached.

I've thought about it today and concluded that for me it was about wanting to feel wanted and desired. I wasn't looking for a relationship per se, I would have been happy to have some casual fun without any exclusivity.

That being said, I wouldn't want something where there's radio silence for a week/weeks on end until he gets the horn then hits me up on a Friday afternoon asking if I want drinks that night with no notice.

That's not attractive to me or something I can accommodate.

I mentioned having DC, I'm a carer for my eldest who is disabled. I don't get to just dash out on a whim and he should know that.

Men MAKE TIME for the women they are interested in!! All the other "complicated" "busy life" stuff is just code for "he is not that into you!!"
Please dont accept his measly breadcrumbs op. You are worth far more than his Smart price loaf.
I would send a Bye Felicia style text then block so you are never ever tempted again.

@MrsBerthaRochester

Men MAKE TIME for the women they are interested in!! All the other "complicated" "busy life" stuff is just code for "he is not that into you!!" Please dont accept his measly breadcrumbs op. You are worth far more than his Smart price loaf. I would send a Bye Felicia style text then block so you are never ever tempted again.

Spot on

He does have some stuff going on which he spoke about when we met but he could have definitely found the time to send a text if he were so inclined.

This, exactly. Nobody's life is so busy and complicated that they can't take 30 seconds out to compose a text saying, "Hey, the other night was fun. My life is a bit complicated right now so I'm not in the market for a serious relationship but I enjoyed our night together and would like to do it again sometime if you're keen?"

That way he might get a casual relationship with a partner who feels respected.

How someone starts off is usually the way they mean to continue (except in love-bombing, which is an abusive strategy).

Sounds like this guy is advertising a series of casual hook-ups, in-between which he'll mostly ignores you until he's horny again. If you display any desire for more respectful communication, he'll act surprised that you're 'taking this so seriously' and when he finds a new source of hook-ups, uses your 'intensity' as an excuse to back away.

@CheekyHobson

He does have some stuff going on which he spoke about when we met but he could have definitely found the time to send a text if he were so inclined.

This, exactly. Nobody's life is so busy and complicated that they can't take 30 seconds out to compose a text saying, "Hey, the other night was fun. My life is a bit complicated right now so I'm not in the market for a serious relationship but I enjoyed our night together and would like to do it again sometime if you're keen?"

That way he might get a casual relationship with a partner who feels respected.

How someone starts off is usually the way they mean to continue (except in love-bombing, which is an abusive strategy).

Sounds like this guy is advertising a series of casual hook-ups, in-between which he'll mostly ignores you until he's horny again. If you display any desire for more respectful communication, he'll act surprised that you're 'taking this so seriously' and when he finds a new source of hook-ups, uses your 'intensity' as an excuse to back away.

I think you've hit the nail on the head there too.

I don't tend to have alot of hookups these days ok my sex life was nonexistent but surely blanking your FWB until you fancy a shag isn't the standard?

Maybe I'm out of touch but if that is the standard then it's not for me. I want to feel respected by somebody I'm going to bed with, however casual it may be.

He has behaved very much like a 'fuck boy' (that's a term I learned recently and feels apt!)

Seriously, this behaviour that he has displayed makes me really bloody mad! They are all like this, what a load of crap, you deserve basic respect.

Just tell him no hard feelings and you understand he's 'busy', you only wanted casual but you need someone reliable and consistent so you have gone elsewhere.

Really pisses me off! Whatever happened to common decency no matter what the situation.

So, ' no hard feelings' and good luck with your search...you hope he understands.

@TeaMilkAnd2Sugars

It was 6 years ago we were an item

"You too!" What a dickhead.

@Chickenwing2

Don't reply at all. You ghost him now.

Yupp.

OP from what you have described, you are not in the market for a casual set up, and nor should you be. The definition of a casual set up is that it is a relationship (in the very loosest sense) based predominantly on mutual sexual attraction and there are generally no obligations or expectations in terms of communication, dating, exclusivity, etc.

The fact you have set up a MN thread to get input on whether or not your ex had provided a satisfactory text response following your hookup suggests you do not want this type of relationship. Full disclosure; I wouldn't want this type or relationship either, but experience has taught me not to waste too much energy on them either.

Just tell him no hard feelings and you understand he's 'busy', you only wanted casual but you need someone reliable and consistent so you have gone elsewhere.

Disagree with this, on the basis that casual set ups are generally not reliable or consistent. That's generally the point of them, and saying you've 'gone elsewhere' just sounds a bit odd.

I would just ignore, it sounds like he's trying to set low expectations but keep you hanging on. It's not a reflection on you and your worth. I'd take this as a sign you're looking for a lovely guy for a respectful and caring relationship who is really into you and makes you feel good. It's tempting to go to an ex as they're safe and comfortable but there's better guys out there. You deserve this and there'll be someone who's really good for you.

@Calphurnia88

OP from what you have described, you are not in the market for a casual set up, and nor should you be. The definition of a casual set up is that it is a relationship (in the very loosest sense) based predominantly on mutual sexual attraction and there are generally no obligations or expectations in terms of communication, dating, exclusivity, etc.

The fact you have set up a MN thread to get input on whether or not your ex had provided a satisfactory text response following your hookup suggests you do not want this type of relationship. Full disclosure; I wouldn't want this type or relationship either, but experience has taught me not to waste too much energy on them either.

Just tell him no hard feelings and you understand he's 'busy', you only wanted casual but you need someone reliable and consistent so you have gone elsewhere.

Disagree with this, on the basis that casual set ups are generally not reliable or consistent. That's generally the point of them, and saying you've 'gone elsewhere' just sounds a bit odd.

Absolutely.

Perhaps I don't have the correct understanding of what casual entails as I assumed that even with casual FWB relationships there would be some sort of contact in between hook ups otherwise its just too detached for me and I may aswell go and pick up a randomer of a Saturday night at the pub

No contact until he wants a shag just makes me feel used, but I suppose in a completely casual set up you're using one another in a sense aren't you?!

So it's not for me. Not like this.

What would have been ideal was a fun arrangement where we go for dinner and drinks, sex, a few texts throughout the week or at the very least to plan the next meet in advance so I can make arrangements for DC.

I've just read back my last post and it's glaringly obvious where the mismatched expectarions come from, everything I wrote about wanting describes 'dating' ... not being a FWB

The way I see it FWB can be like that but it requires a lot of discussion and agreement and you'd have to be so firm on your boundaries, which is why i suggested having more than one if you could hack it! And also, plenty don't like it. That's okay too.

The other is a fuck buddy and that's more a hook up with when you're both up for it, booty calls etc.

Mine is in a space we both like, nearly every week, a midpoint check in to make arrangements. We chat and enjoy each others company and that makes the sex great, but that's all I need from it. It helps he's an absolute gentleman. But he's not what I'd look for in a partner, and I'm quite clear on my feelings about that.

You've done nothing wrong but tbf not has he. Your ideas of fwb are just at odds.

I could never do it, tried it felt used got attached etc got upset and spiral of
Self loathing and low self esteem resulted. It's not for everyone and there's absolutely no shame in saying hey I tried it and it's not for me.

@TeaMilkAnd2Sugars

So I sent the message that I wrote above.

I got a rambling one back.

In summary:

He said he wanted to see me last week and the sex was just a plus, he didn't know that it would end up happening nor plan for it in advance. He had a great time with me and wished we could spend more time together BUT, there's always a but isn't there? ..His life has been a bit complicated recently with him navigating a difficult situation and not being sure how things will pan out - so he has been stressed, plus busy with work.

Then a bit about how he knows I'm busy myself yada yada.

He then said "I will talk to you later" with two kiss emojis.

He does have some stuff going on which he spoke about when we met but he could have definitely found the time to send a text if he were so inclined.

Maybe PP is right about me reading too much into it, he sounded surprised that I'd analysed it so much.

Goodness knows.

I wouldn't say he was surprised at your reaction. I would say he is inconvenienced. Slightly.

Theres not really all that many women out there who would happily have sex followed by a curt text. There are some but not many. And since he sounds like casual sex is quite a common scenario for him, I'm sure he is fully aware of that.

So I think it is fake surprise to cover up the fact he knows he has treated you badly. Its all very low effort on his part.

Its not really worth having the casual sex with him if its going to leave you feeling this bad. You're better off without.

Thank you all for the advice and input about this, I'm feeling better about it and feel like I've got the closure i needed - not necessarily given by him with his vague and wishy washy excuses but thanks to MN as you've all helped me to read between the lines and unpick the mismatched expectations.

I was feeling a bit hurt and used when I posted this last night but that's turning to indifference now. We might have been compatible once upon a time but that's not the case now, I'm not going to text him anymore as I think we've said all we need to say to one another.

I might try my hand at OLD at some point