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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What could I text after being ghosted?

195 replies

TeaMilkAnd2Sugars · 31/03/2022 21:11

..after having sex.

I know the advice is usually not to bother sending anything and I tend to agree but I've known this person for many years and I thought we had a mutual respect for one another so I'm quite hurt by the disrespect.

FWIW I don't even want a reply from him now, but I do want to pull him up on being so rude and make sure he knows not to bother me again in the future.

OP posts:
DivorcedAndDelighted · 31/03/2022 22:05

He hasn't blocked you, just leaving you on read, so he may be trying to find the right words to say he doesn't think you're suited. Or he may just be rude. I'd definitely text personally; don't see why on earth it's more "dignified" to say nothing as it could just as well be interpreted as "doormat". I'd feel I had less dignity if I let him have the last word. It all depends on you. Some of the most times I've felt most proud of myself as a youngster was when I tore men off a strip for bad behaviour. One who I thoroughly told off is now a well known politician and whenever I hear him on the radio now I grin as I remember him apologising and basically grovelling as a student after I told him he'd behaved very badly Grin
In this situation I'd be brisk I think, eg:
"From your lack of response it's clear you don't want to stay in touch. You could at least have had the manners to tell me."

arethereanyleftatall · 31/03/2022 22:14

I agree with @DivorcedAndDelighted, great appropriate name too.
That text is good, but I'd sleep on it first.

I agree on calling men out on their shit behaviour. It's cathartic and you can gain back a sliver of control, it isn't you who has been undignified, it's him.

In dating, I used to say nothing, but then I started calling them out, and a 100% of them have sent an apology text along with their 'reason'.

coatofmanycolors · 31/03/2022 22:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the user.

Aubree17 · 31/03/2022 22:25

In what context did you know him?

Horrible thing to happen.

Agree with the troops though. Don't let him see your bothered.

RoyKentsChestHair · 31/03/2022 22:25

I would say nothing and move on, then when he inevitably tests the waters re a second chance at some point in future then you can ignore him - or just send a laughing face emoji Grin

CoQ10 · 31/03/2022 22:29

Are you likely to physically see him again elsewhere? You said you'd known him for some time so presumably you will?

BrokenNHS · 31/03/2022 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Original poster
TeaMilkAnd2Sugars · 31/03/2022 22:35

So more context as its definitely relevant, were together for a year and a half - years ago

I lost his baby during early pregnancy and after bumbling along for a few more months we drifted apart as my grief changed things for me but I felt we ended on good terms and remained friends.

I felt that having gone through something like that together we would always have a mutual respect for one another iykwim?

We got chatting on Facebook a few weeks ago and he asked whether I ever missed him, said he missed me.

So we arranged to meet up and this is the result Envy

OP posts:
Madre123 · 31/03/2022 22:36

FUCK THE FUCK OFF....and block x

Original poster
TeaMilkAnd2Sugars · 31/03/2022 22:37

We're not likely to bump in to one another when out doing the weekly shop or anything like that. He lives on the other side of the city and I rarely venture over that way and vice versa

OP posts:
Flowerpower23 · 31/03/2022 22:39

Please don’t text him, he doesn’t deserve it. If anything you will make him feel good about himself because it shows you “care” the fact that he’s riled you up!

arethereanyleftatall · 31/03/2022 22:40

@TeaMilkAnd2Sugars

So more context as its definitely relevant, were together for a year and a half - years ago

I lost his baby during early pregnancy and after bumbling along for a few more months we drifted apart as my grief changed things for me but I felt we ended on good terms and remained friends.

I felt that having gone through something like that together we would always have a mutual respect for one another iykwim?

We got chatting on Facebook a few weeks ago and he asked whether I ever missed him, said he missed me.

So we arranged to meet up and this is the result Envy

In that case I might be inclined to give him a bit more time before sending any scathing text. But then I am woefully naive and always think the best of people. Maybe he's got a lot to think about.
WonderfulYou · 31/03/2022 22:44

What a dick!

Definitely don’t send any messages as that’s what he wants.

You had sex so you got something out of it as much as he did. Don’t let him think you want anything more.

If he texts you in the future which he will do when he wants another shag, I wouldn’t even bother reading it or not bother replying.

CoQ10 · 31/03/2022 22:46

I'm really sorry to hear that. No wonder you are feeling like you do Flowers.

Personally I think silence is the best option here. If he calls or texts or if you see him elsewhere then I'd be quite open about the impact his actions have had on me. But do nothing in the meantime.

Original poster
TeaMilkAnd2Sugars · 31/03/2022 22:47

I think we saw our recent time together completely differently.

For me it was about spending time with somebody I'm fond of and have alot of time for, the history meaning I have a soft spot for him and actually wouldn't have minded seeing him again even on a no strings basis.

Whereas for him, I think it was a simple case of getting his leg over. Hit and run.

To add to matters, March is the anniversary of when I lost the baby so his timing for being a c* is impeccable.

OP posts:
Cockenspiel · 31/03/2022 22:49

I have reached a point where I don’t really understand the ‘stay silent’ approach - who gives a fuck if they know I’m rattled? Rude wankers should be called out for being rude wankers. Otherwise surely we are just silently allowing these tossers to carry on doing it. Fuck that, if you treat me badly I’m going to call you out and shame your immaturity and lack of basic manners.

Onthedunes · 31/03/2022 22:53

So more context as its definitely relevant, were together for a year and a half - years ago

How many years ago ?

Are we talking recent years or 20/30/40 years ago ?

Is this a childhood sweetheart returned?

savedbyanalien · 31/03/2022 22:53

I know it's so sooo tempting to text him but please don't! Keep the moral high ground on this one. If you text anything now you'll come across as needy and he'll know you're vulnerable and have feelings for him - he doesn't deserve to know that, the prick!

And I'll tell you now, he won't have a chuffing clue about March being the month you had your miscarriage.

He 👏🏼 just 👏🏼 doesn't 👏🏼 care 👏🏼

Hugs OP Thanks

Cockenspiel · 31/03/2022 22:53

Why is dignity always wheeled out in these situations as the holy grail of emotions? Why can’t we let people know they are arseholes?

Sorry OP, tossers like this make my blood boil. How fucking rude to do this to someone he had a relationship history with. Christ sake, what a c’nt he is. Angry

FlowersSending you hugs

MidnightMeltdown · 31/03/2022 22:53

I agree with @DivorcedAndDelighted

Saying nothing makes you look like a doormat who doesn't have the confidence to speak up.

I don't think that it's dignified to stay silent. Women who do that teach men that it's ok to behave this way. It's exactly what he's hoping you'll do, because women are conditioned not to call men out in their bad behaviour.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 31/03/2022 22:54

@Cockenspiel

I have reached a point where I don’t really understand the ‘stay silent’ approach - who gives a fuck if they know I’m rattled? Rude wankers should be called out for being rude wankers. Otherwise surely we are just silently allowing these tossers to carry on doing it. Fuck that, if you treat me badly I’m going to call you out and shame your immaturity and lack of basic manners.
Exactly. And if they know you're rattled it might make them think about empathy, rather than allowing them to kid themselves that "She wasn't bothered anyway".
Original poster
TeaMilkAnd2Sugars · 31/03/2022 22:57

It was 6 years ago we were an item

OP posts:
Sonaftersonafterson · 31/03/2022 22:57

The thing is, he KNOWS. He knows full well what he is doing and that it won't feel great for you. He totally knows, unless he is absolutely dense. He just doesn't care. Telling him all about himself and putting him right won't change a thing. He will also likely leave your message on read which will make you feel even more shit.

It hurts, I know. Many of us have had this happen. Stings like fuck but doesn't last long, just fuck him off.

Silence is powerful and dignified. X

Onthedunes · 31/03/2022 22:59

Is he single at present ?

SarahDippity · 31/03/2022 23:00

I’m really sorry to hear how uncaring he has been, given your shared history, and I’m sorry for your loss.

I would be tempted to message ‘think it’s best to leave things there’, and then block, but I like to have the last word, and it gives a sense of it being your decision.