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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What could I text after being ghosted?

195 replies

TeaMilkAnd2Sugars · 31/03/2022 21:11

..after having sex.

I know the advice is usually not to bother sending anything and I tend to agree but I've known this person for many years and I thought we had a mutual respect for one another so I'm quite hurt by the disrespect.

FWIW I don't even want a reply from him now, but I do want to pull him up on being so rude and make sure he knows not to bother me again in the future.

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 01/04/2022 03:50

No point in doing anything now, I am sure lots of men and women do this kind of thing by text these days, it's an easy way out of some things.

Hopefullyoneday12 · 01/04/2022 03:55

It's not the ick and it's not you.
He probably had missed you and he probably did enjoy the night you had.

But once men have come they back off a bit. Rather than how we women often feel even more connected than before. It isn't you.
I wouldn't be surprised if he messages you soon anyway.
Also wouldn't be surprised if he has a girlfriend and this was a night to escape with you. Have found so many men to be cheaters.

I personally don't think you lose any dignity if you do decide to message. He has acted badly.

Bythecooker · 01/04/2022 04:10

I would send a message calling out the bad behaviour. I don't think the silence means dignity, I think it allows them to feel no conscience on it and a shaming text will at least prick it and make him feel some shame as he well should.

Snog · 01/04/2022 05:13

Some men repeat a pattern of losing interest as soon as they have had sex with a woman. It's not you it's him. I'd call it out as it's awful behaviour and why should he get away with it?

Monty27 · 01/04/2022 05:21

He's as shallow as it comes.
There's absolutely nothing worth saying to him. He's not worthy.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 01/04/2022 05:36

He'll not reply, so just leave it.
He may reappear later on down the road, when he's looking for another fuck

Marvellousmadness · 01/04/2022 05:51

Sounds like he hasn't ghosted you
But is not interested in you sexually.
Give it some time perhaps... if you wanna maintain a friendship then maybe its possible but that wouldn't be straight away.

But if you slept with him I am pretty sure the friendship boat has sailed...

isthismylifenow · 01/04/2022 05:58

I am sorry for your loss. I think his character is a bit telling by how he treated you 6 years ago.

I do think that silence has it's place at times, but so too does letting him know what an arsehole he is. I wouldn't send him a message now though. And I also would not block him. My thoughts are that he will be in touch again soon enough. That is when you send the message in response.

It's a shitty feeling I know. Hope you are OK OP.

AnAussieMum · 01/04/2022 06:31

Hello all, this is a group text my GP has told me I must contact all my my sexual partners immediately.
Its very important that you go and get yourself tested for any STDs within the next 48 hours for a better chance of treatment. Sorry to be be the bearer of bad news. Hope you are well. Lots of love xxxxx

supercali77 · 01/04/2022 06:31

Its not that a woman should just keep quiet when mistreated but with ghosting I feel like giving the man your emotional reaction straight away is a waste because the predictable sods always come back anyway. Especially if you kept silent.

They sort of forget what they did, you didn't seem bothered, so they'll test the waters again. Which is when you get to let rip and serve him up some more silence

Saintofsanto · 01/04/2022 06:57

I think there's a lot of dignity in calling out shitty behaviour. Unless he's a narc he'll have a small pang of remorse.

Nothing clever or witty just 'given what we went through together 6 years ago, i think I deserve to be treated with a bit more respect that this. Please don't contact me again'

And then remove all links - social media friends etc

RantyAunty · 01/04/2022 07:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RantyAunty · 01/04/2022 07:43

My cat posted to the wrong thread and asked the moderator for my post to be removed. Oops.

user1471519931 · 01/04/2022 07:49

I saw this on TikTok- the girl texts "oh dear, I think I'm going to have to book an appointment at the physiotherapist "

When they reply why or what happened?

You reply " my knees are fucked after carrying the weight of this conversation "

Total burn! 😈

KimCheese · 01/04/2022 07:57

I'm in agreement that sometimes silence isn't the best option. Send something though that's measured and 'emotionless' - when I've done it I've gone down the 'I thought we'd entered a mutually respectful space and I don't find this respectful'.

In your specific scenario, I think he'll respond eventually (maybe when he's ready for another shag) and you can then send a measured response and even block from there.

I've called it out recently and also had apologies. It did make me feel better but I did brace for being blocked so it was almost a pleasant surprise!

It is situation specific though. Just be really measured about it. I think that classic trope that some men have that we'll fall in love with them if they show us any encouragement, I like bursting that bubble.

candles1298 · 01/04/2022 08:02

@coatofmanycolors

I'd go for something along the lines of: I know you're a bit embarrassed but I'm sure it was just nerves. Don't let it worry you and I'm sure whoever the next lucky lady is will be quite understanding xx
Hahaha absolutely love this
KimCheese · 01/04/2022 08:05

If you do message, keep it brief. I was reading the other day about how they'll not make it past the first sentence!

JangolinaPitt · 01/04/2022 08:36

I have learned so much wisdom on the relationship board that I wish I had known about before making numerous mistakes with men but one key lesson is that silence is more powerful than any words. And men unconsciously do this anyway -they are silent and we women agonise endlessly over it.
As an aside - I teach teenagers snd boys (yes generalisation but enough to make it a useful rule of thumb) can only digest one message at a time so when you do communicate in keep it simple and unequivocal.

Solosunrise · 01/04/2022 08:54

With the voice of experience, I'd say leave it until he texts you wanting to see you again, and then send a brief and to the point text Flowers
Alternatively block him immediately so he can't mess with your head again.
Very sorry for your loss x

Fruitandnuts · 01/04/2022 09:03

I once heard this - after s%x men like themselves more, and you less.
He losses interest and moves on it to next, sad but i do agree

Original poster
TeaMilkAnd2Sugars · 01/04/2022 10:26

There's just no acceptable excuse for it is there? Emergencies and personal tragedies aside.

It's something you might expect from a college student, not a grown adult man in his thirties.

I'm still battling with myself on whether or not to send something concise and to the point, then decide not to. Grr

OP posts:
Catshaveiteasy · 01/04/2022 10:50

I'd say don't. Any message pointing out anything about his bad behaviour, however justified, simply reinforces the fact the messenger does CARE. Sarcastic messages about his pathetic performance do the same. People who don't respond suggest they don't care about the other person - that applies to both him and to you.

A dignified silence is best. If you send another message you will either get back an insincere apology, a justification you might not want to hear, or worst of all, nothing. There's no win in any of these for you.

If, on the other hand, you do hear from him again, that might be the time to let him know what you think. But hopefully you'll have got over it by then and you won't feel the need to respond at all.

He was in your past for a reason. I guess sometimes it can work to go back to someone, but mostly not, so just see it as you have had a catch up and you are now clear that he has no place in your life anymore. (Have you been pining the loss of the relationship over the years?)

Original poster
TeaMilkAnd2Sugars · 01/04/2022 11:07

@Catshaveiteasy

I'd say don't. Any message pointing out anything about his bad behaviour, however justified, simply reinforces the fact the messenger does CARE. Sarcastic messages about his pathetic performance do the same. People who don't respond suggest they don't care about the other person - that applies to both him and to you.

A dignified silence is best. If you send another message you will either get back an insincere apology, a justification you might not want to hear, or worst of all, nothing. There's no win in any of these for you.

If, on the other hand, you do hear from him again, that might be the time to let him know what you think. But hopefully you'll have got over it by then and you won't feel the need to respond at all.

He was in your past for a reason. I guess sometimes it can work to go back to someone, but mostly not, so just see it as you have had a catch up and you are now clear that he has no place in your life anymore. (Have you been pining the loss of the relationship over the years?)

Another very sensible and good post to consider, thank you.

I haven't been pining the loss of the relationship no, I had totally moved on. I was the one to end the relationship, in a totally upfront and decent way.

I'll still think of him every so often but no more than I would any other person I'd spent a considerable amount of time with.

The difficulty I'm having now is because I would have never expected such disregard from somebody I had respect for, and whom I believed had respect for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeaMilkAnd2Sugars · 01/04/2022 11:19

Well shit the bed he's just text me

"Hello darling, how are you?xx"

OP posts:
unsurereallyx1 · 01/04/2022 11:20

No message is the best message for him to receive x

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