Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My bf wants nothing to do with unborn baby/pregnancy

172 replies

Sofi1990 · 31/03/2022 17:51

Hi guys, I will try to keep this short. I found out I’m pregnant (unplanned and shocked). My bf and I have not wanted children, at least for the next 2/3 years, maybe? So, this was a complete surprise.

I myself am not sure about what I want to do, and I have considered keeping and not keeping. I booked appointments to talk to a few people etc

My bf has said he is not ready and supported my decision when I was booking appointments for a termination. He seemed supportive and kept encouraging me that it was the right thing for both of us.

As I’m not hundred percent sure and I will never do anything if I have doubts, I did speak to him about keeping it and how he would feel.

He told me he didn’t want the baby and if I did keep it, he doesn’t want anything to do with the pregnancy or have anything to do with the child when it is born- emotionally and financially. He said he only wants me, wants to be with me for the rest of his life and is in love with me but he doesn’t want me and a baby.

Even though I am still thinking of an termination too, this has completely thrown me about me and just completely broken my faith in what type of man he is.

It scares me to think he is type of man. He claims to want to be with me the rest of his life and loves me but said he wants nothing to do with his baby if I keep it.

I’m just not sure that I will keep the baby for my reasons - that I can still be with a man like this.

My mind is already so so confused and now this too. I don’t know if I even want to be with him anymore, baby or no baby.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
Bonheurdupasse · 31/03/2022 17:55

Do you want to be tied to him for the next 18 years?

Feelingoktoday · 31/03/2022 17:55

Ok so he doesn’t want children. Not now or ever - that is what he has told you, I’m very sorry.

You do want children. The timing is never right but why not now? You can do it on your own, do not assume that once the baby is born he will change his mind. Kick him out and onwards and upwards. Good luck

Movingonup22 · 31/03/2022 17:57

Well hasn’t he shown what he’s
Really like.

Do or do not go through with the pregnancy entirely based on what you want to do with your body and if you do go through with it he is going to get a shock when he hears about child maintenance

I am sorry this must be very difficult

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 31/03/2022 17:59

The relationship is most likely over regardless, do you want a baby alone? And yes he will have to financially support the baby, there’s no opt out on that if you have the baby

Mummacake · 31/03/2022 17:59

Massive red flags all over this. How old are you? He wants to control you - is he already quite controlling? He wants you but not your baby? This is not a nice man & you need to seriously consider if you want to be tied to him in any way via this child for the next 18yrs. As fit nit wanting anything to do with baby financially, that's tough. If he won't support the child voluntarily, you'll have to go via CMS. He sounds awful & I would get as far away from him as possible whatever you decide re: continuing the pregnancy. Personally, I wouldn't continue with it & would dump his unpleasant ass. Sorry you find yourself in this situation.

Original poster
Sofi1990 · 31/03/2022 17:59

@Feelingoktoday I could do it on my own, I have such a great family who would support me.

But if I decided not continue with my pregnancy, it would be my decision. But I’m just not sure I can be with him. Not because he doesn’t want children, just how he said he wants nothing to do with the baby if I keep it. And to never ask him for anything or cross his path.

I know that there are men out there like that but I didn’t think he was one of them.

OP posts:
WhoppingBigBackside · 31/03/2022 18:01

Dump the boyfriend.

Make your own decision about whether or not to terminate the pregnancy

Lazypuppy · 31/03/2022 18:01

Well the relationship is over either way, so do you want to have to raise this child with him, as he can change his mind at any point and want to be part of the childs life.

I personally couldn't do that

Branleuse · 31/03/2022 18:01

Sounds like he really doesnt want children and youll be going it alone if you keep it.

Financially, well he will still have to pay, but emotionally he doesnt have to

Original poster
Sofi1990 · 31/03/2022 18:02

I think it would be hard to be with a man that could disown his own baby.

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 31/03/2022 18:02

Keep the baby and get rid of him.
It takes two to make a baby.

Gwlondon · 31/03/2022 18:02

Sorry. It’s an awful thing to hear from someone you trusted. Completely over the top. It’s almost like he is trying to force you into having an abortion.

FelicityPike · 31/03/2022 18:03

He doesn’t get to not financially support his child.
Of course him not wanting a child ever means his vasectomy must’ve failed, right? If he hasn’t taken steps to prevent pregnancy ever happening, this is down to him too!

GeneLovesJezebel · 31/03/2022 18:03

Oh, and if you have an abortion he may still dump you.

Lsquiggles · 31/03/2022 18:03

How long have you been together? If it's a relatively new relationship I could understand his hesitance. Regardless, it's your body and your decision Flowers

Original poster
Sofi1990 · 31/03/2022 18:03

Ye, I think if I didn’t continue with the pregnancy, I would want to break up with him, I just cannot get the image of him disregarding any contact with his own child out of my head.

OP posts:
Suprima · 31/03/2022 18:04

@Sofi1990

Hi guys, I will try to keep this short. I found out I’m pregnant (unplanned and shocked). My bf and I have not wanted children, at least for the next 2/3 years, maybe? So, this was a complete surprise.

I myself am not sure about what I want to do, and I have considered keeping and not keeping. I booked appointments to talk to a few people etc

My bf has said he is not ready and supported my decision when I was booking appointments for a termination. He seemed supportive and kept encouraging me that it was the right thing for both of us.

As I’m not hundred percent sure and I will never do anything if I have doubts, I did speak to him about keeping it and how he would feel.

He told me he didn’t want the baby and if I did keep it, he doesn’t want anything to do with the pregnancy or have anything to do with the child when it is born- emotionally and financially. He said he only wants me, wants to be with me for the rest of his life and is in love with me but he doesn’t want me and a baby.

Even though I am still thinking of an termination too, this has completely thrown me about me and just completely broken my faith in what type of man he is.

It scares me to think he is type of man. He claims to want to be with me the rest of his life and loves me but said he wants nothing to do with his baby if I keep it.

I’m just not sure that I will keep the baby for my reasons - that I can still be with a man like this.

My mind is already so so confused and now this too. I don’t know if I even want to be with him anymore, baby or no baby.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

If you were the love of his life and children were 2 years out anyway, he wouldn’t be acting like this. So your relationship is dead anyway. Take him out the equation. You can’t stay with him because you’d resent him if he pressured you to abort, and his actions clearly show that he doesn’t want a family with you anyway.

If you want your baby- have your baby.

But now you know what man he is, do you want to be tied to him forever?

Only you can decide. Best of luck. Flowers

Unforgettablefire · 31/03/2022 18:05

You’ll always resent him if you terminate the pregnancy for him.
I’d spend some time away from him, for now at least until you make your own mind up. I’d dump him like a hot brick what kind of man says he wants nothing to do with his own child? That’s just horrible.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/03/2022 18:06

He's a total shit. Do you want to be with a total shit?

Original poster
Sofi1990 · 31/03/2022 18:06

@GeneLovesJezebel he has already planned and booked holidays whilst this has been going on and made plans for our anniversary. We have been together 2 years.

He is very happy and his normal self and loving when I talk about a termination. He invited me to his family holiday in august and booked my tickets.

But wants nothing to do with me or the baby if I keep it. Then he’s cutting me off got life.

He loves me with conditions I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sofi1990 · 31/03/2022 18:09

@Unforgettablefire

He hasn’t put pressure on me, to be fair. He has said it’s up to me but wants nothing to do with me or his child if I did keep it which is what concerns me.

Even if I did terminate for myself and my choice, I just don’t think he’s the type of man that deserves me or any woman.

OP posts:
knitnerd90 · 31/03/2022 18:10

Either dump him, have the baby, and file for maintenance because it's not up to him whether or not he wants to pay, or dump him and have an abortion. Your choice, but either way, he's a shit.

SoupDragon · 31/03/2022 18:11

@Sofi1990

Ye, I think if I didn’t continue with the pregnancy, I would want to break up with him, I just cannot get the image of him disregarding any contact with his own child out of my head.
In which case you have to make your decision completely independent of him. He is irrelevant.

He can "opt out" physically but he can't opt out financially unless he is going to vanish/lie to the CMS about his income (I realise some fathers do manage to avoid paying)

SoupDragon · 31/03/2022 18:11

He hasn’t put pressure on me, to be fair. He has said it’s up to me but wants nothing to do with me or his child if I did keep it which is what concerns me.

He absolutely has put emotional pressure on you then.

ImInStealthMode · 31/03/2022 18:12

Oh OP I'm sorry.

First step, dump his arse. You don't want or need to be with a Man like this.

Then make your decision about the baby. If you go ahead it sounds like you'll have great support from family but you'll still be linked to him forever and life will undoubtedly harder as a single parent.

If your age / circumstances mean this could be your only or last chance for children then worth considering. If you have time on your side then I'd consider if you might be better terminating and then moving onwards, to a relationship and future family in better circumstances xx