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Original poster

My bf wants nothing to do with unborn baby/pregnancy

172 replies

Sofi1990 · 31/03/2022 17:51

Hi guys, I will try to keep this short. I found out I’m pregnant (unplanned and shocked). My bf and I have not wanted children, at least for the next 2/3 years, maybe? So, this was a complete surprise.

I myself am not sure about what I want to do, and I have considered keeping and not keeping. I booked appointments to talk to a few people etc

My bf has said he is not ready and supported my decision when I was booking appointments for a termination. He seemed supportive and kept encouraging me that it was the right thing for both of us.

As I’m not hundred percent sure and I will never do anything if I have doubts, I did speak to him about keeping it and how he would feel.

He told me he didn’t want the baby and if I did keep it, he doesn’t want anything to do with the pregnancy or have anything to do with the child when it is born- emotionally and financially. He said he only wants me, wants to be with me for the rest of his life and is in love with me but he doesn’t want me and a baby.

Even though I am still thinking of an termination too, this has completely thrown me about me and just completely broken my faith in what type of man he is.

It scares me to think he is type of man. He claims to want to be with me the rest of his life and loves me but said he wants nothing to do with his baby if I keep it.

I’m just not sure that I will keep the baby for my reasons - that I can still be with a man like this.

My mind is already so so confused and now this too. I don’t know if I even want to be with him anymore, baby or no baby.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 01/04/2022 13:50

I got pregnant by a gem of a man who immediately told me to have an abortion and didn't want to have anything to do with her. My DD is now nearly 11 and keeping her and having nothing more to do with him was the best thing I have ever done. I did claim CM when we were really financially compromised for a couple of years, but I am financially far more set and I haven't had anything from him for years. He has never met her, briefly years ago when pissed told me he'd like to meet her. I told him that was fine, providing he can promise to be in her life on a regular basis. At which point he admitted he didn't want that and I haven't heard from him since.
I have a brilliant family, and DD has never felt the absence tbh. She is happy and secure, free to ask any questions she wants and I try to give unbiased answers.

Abouttimemum · 01/04/2022 13:51

He’s 35!? Goodness me I thought he was a teenager with that attitude.

I think you’re right to be concerned about him OP, whether or not you choose to have your baby.

On that note definitely think carefully, if you do want them at some point in your future, this might be your time. Obviously lots to think about of course.

Original poster
Sofi1990 · 01/04/2022 13:53

@OrlandointheWilderness wow, your daughter is lucky to have a mummy like you!

Did he never want kids?

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 01/04/2022 13:58

Thank you. It was probably the hardest decision of my life, but I just couldn't go through with the abortion. I'd never wanted children but I've never regretted it. Oh apparently one day he did. And unbeknown to me, this prince of a man was also seeing someone else who he also had a child with 6 months before me, the difference being that he pretended to be a good father to the point where he was at the christening etc and involved - until one day when the lad was 2 he suddenly stopped seeing him. Even though they lived in the same small town. I got away lightly by cutting him out completely.

BuffyFanForever · 01/04/2022 14:00

OP it must really be a shock for you to have him behave this way. Shocking he thinks after this you could both just carry on “as normal” . At 35 you really really need to think about this. I have many friends who started trying at 35/36 and have ended up with many rounds of ivf to try and conceive. Some have been told this is now impossible. The idea that it’s so easy to have a baby till you’re 45 is simply not true scientifically. Freezing eggs would be unlikely to be very successful at your age, freezing embryos would have a slightly higher success rate but would require a sperm donor. Perhaps the universe is telling you something?

lighterskies · 01/04/2022 14:15

Freezing your eggs would be done privately.
But as someone who has had IVF I will say it was the most challenging thing I have done as an adult.
Very expensive and and absolute rollercoaster of emotions, to say nothing of the physical impact of it at the time.
Freezing your eggs would only be the start of the procedure.
I don't want to put you off but IVF has a failure rate of 70% for the first cycle.

It is important egg freezing it isn't seem as an easy solution to having children dilemma.

Honeyroar · 01/04/2022 14:45

I’m not sure whether egg freezing is private or Nhs. But I’m sure it would be easy to find out.

BuffyFanForever · 01/04/2022 14:45

What @lighterskies says is absolutely true.

SunflowerTed · 01/04/2022 14:49

@Raiseyourhand

Will probably get slated but shouldn’t this have been a joint decision made at the beginning. If kids were not wanted then both come to a decision of how to make sure this doesn’t happen. Wether that the pill or condom. One can’t be like oh I don’t mind if it happens if they decide as a couple not to have one yet. He was honest at the beginning he did not want any so what was put in place as a couple for this to not happen.
Totally this.
SunflowerTed · 01/04/2022 14:50

[quote wonderwoman26]@SunflowerTed
You’re wrong. My cousins girlfriend stopped taking the pill without telling him!

Is he not capable of making decisions for himself?
Why does contraception have to fall to the female?

If he desperately did not want to become a dad, he would be wearing a condom. He has that choice, but he didnt take it. He'd rather accept the word of someone then protect himself.

Men always have the choice to not get women pregnant - always. Infact, as shockingly as it may seem - without male sperm pregnancy is not possible![/quote]
Unreal

LittleOwl153 · 01/04/2022 14:54

How much time do you have? How pregnant are you?

From what I've read you need to ditch the bloke. THEN and only then make a decision about the baby and your own life. This is all going to have to happen quite quickly but I feel the holiday booking etc is putting quite alot of pressure on you and not giving you space for your own thoughts - which seem to be heading towards him not being the man for your either way.

Tamworth123 · 01/04/2022 15:08

We are both 35 years old.

That makes his attitude even worse.

At the age you need to get rid of home asap if you would like kids and he doesbt want them with you, or at all.

Also at that age, 39 is only 4 years away and that's when fertility starts to drop relatively rapidly, so you might be best taking this opportunity to have your first.

Tamworth123 · 01/04/2022 15:09

*At that age you need to get rid of him
asap

elociN5 · 01/04/2022 15:48

@SunflowerTed

I’m with your boyfriend. He’s not ready to be a parent and this shouldn’t be forced on him
If he is having sex he should know that no contraception offers 100% protection and there is always a chance however small.
elociN5 · 01/04/2022 15:57

No contraception provides 100% protection.
So yes, anyone having sex should be aware that it may result in pregnancy.

FayCarew · 01/04/2022 16:09

@Tamworth123

We are both 35 years old.

That makes his attitude even worse.

At the age you need to get rid of home asap if you would like kids and he doesbt want them with you, or at all.

Also at that age, 39 is only 4 years away and that's when fertility starts to drop relatively rapidly, so you might be best taking this opportunity to have your first.

Agree, but fertility drops rapidly at 35 not 39
babyjellyfish · 01/04/2022 16:33

It sounds like you want children in a few years' time.

If he's saying he only wants to be with you and not a baby, it kind of sounds like he's saying he doesn't want children at all.

If he did want to have children with you then I doubt having them two or three years earlier than planned would be such a dealbreaker.

That makes you incompatible.

babyjellyfish · 01/04/2022 16:37

Having read your replies, I think I would ditch the bloke either way and keep the baby if you want kids.

At 35 you don't have a lot of time to start again with someone else and egg freezing is still not very reliable.

NessieMcNessface · 01/04/2022 16:38

Agree with everyone that says dump this guy who professes to love you but clearly doesn’t. How many time do we read about men like this who ask women to abort or say they don’t want children only to find that shortly afterwards they go off with someone else who immediately becomes pregnant. Also, be aware that abortion can leave an awful emotional scar that doesn’t go away. I’m not saying it affects everyone this way, just that it can. My advice would be that if there is any part of you that wants this baby, no matter how small, go ahead with it. But definitely get rid of the father; thank goodness you’ve discovered what he’s like now.

SamphiretheStickerist · 01/04/2022 16:46

@SunflowerTed

I’m with your boyfriend. He’s not ready to be a parent and this shouldn’t be forced on him
Over and over again we see this. Men have absolutely no responsibility for contraception. It's always the woman's job and always her fault when a pregnancy doesn't suit him.

Well tough shit. Not ready to be a parent, make different decisions about sex, from condoms to abstinence, every man has choices.

And when there is a pregnancy you don't want try talking about it, with rather than at, the woman you liked enough to sleep with.

@Sofi1990 for your own peace of mind you are going to have to separate your feelings about him and about the pregnancy. He seems to be a dead loss to you now, but that doesn't stop you making the decision that is best for you without needing to consider his feelings any further.

I hope you get some great help from the people you talk to.

LaurieFairyCake · 01/04/2022 16:52

30 fucking 5! Shock

What a big kid! And it's not his choice not to support it !

Keep kid if you want to, dump him, go to CMS when baby is born - he has a legal obligation to support child

And dump him if you have a termination Thanks

Original poster
Sofi1990 · 01/04/2022 17:21

@BuffyFanForever my mum just said the same thing as you!

It’s really sad as I’ve watched one of my friends go through infertility. She’s been trying for years and cannot conceive. She tried from the age of 29 and she’s now 43

OP posts:
Original poster
Sofi1990 · 01/04/2022 17:24

This might sound really stupid but does fertility decline for a man as he ages, like it does for a woman?

OP posts:
Agathawispy · 01/04/2022 17:41

@Sofi1990 freezing eggs had quite a low success rate after 35. It’s also better to freeze an embryo rather than eggs as they respond better to freezing/thaw rates.
Look into for sure but success rates are fairly low after 35, as fertility declines post 30

Movingonup22 · 01/04/2022 17:44

@Agathawispy actually success rates are much higher now because of the change in the process of freezing - basically not massively worse
Than fresh cycles. But freezing is a massive expense. It is also an emotional and physical effort - but I found not massively gruelling 🤷‍♀️ But op for sure if have funds it can a good back up that might work