My bf wants nothing to do with unborn baby/pregnancy

[Sofi1990]

Hi guys, I will try to keep this short. I found out I’m pregnant (unplanned and shocked). My bf and I have not wanted children, at least for the next 2/3 years, maybe? So, this was a complete surprise.

I myself am not sure about what I want to do, and I have considered keeping and not keeping. I booked appointments to talk to a few people etc

My bf has said he is not ready and supported my decision when I was booking appointments for a termination. He seemed supportive and kept encouraging me that it was the right thing for both of us.

As I’m not hundred percent sure and I will never do anything if I have doubts, I did speak to him about keeping it and how he would feel.

He told me he didn’t want the baby and if I did keep it, he doesn’t want anything to do with the pregnancy or have anything to do with the child when it is born- emotionally and financially. He said he only wants me, wants to be with me for the rest of his life and is in love with me but he doesn’t want me and a baby.

Even though I am still thinking of an termination too, this has completely thrown me about me and just completely broken my faith in what type of man he is.

It scares me to think he is type of man. He claims to want to be with me the rest of his life and loves me but said he wants nothing to do with his baby if I keep it.

I’m just not sure that I will keep the baby for my reasons - that I can still be with a man like this.

My mind is already so so confused and now this too. I don’t know if I even want to be with him anymore, baby or no baby.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

Difficult and something that should probably have been worked out so that the “accident” didn’t happen on both sides really as it’s a joint responsibility in a relationship . He has a right to an opinion, although its not the one you are looking for. I’ve read threads where its the other was round. In fact I have had a termination against my partners wishes and he hated me for it. But he was a drunk. I’m guessing no one forced this on each other and it was an accident. Very sad situation to be in.

Hi op. I'd like to give some reflection to you from the perspective of someone who has seen a few friends over the years have babies with horrible men.

If you have this baby he will be in your life forever. He may say now that he doesn't want to be involved but thst actually isn't the worst outcome . A highly likely outcome is you will spend 18 years having to deal with his awful personality and control over you and your child

He may step in at any point and want to control or influence your parenting. He can control where you live through court orders. He can control the holidays you take and where you send your child to school

He will be an enormous influence on your child even if he barely sees them. He may turn up sporadically and wound your life fir life with emotional issues of abandonment

Please do not go into this situation thinking you can just decide to be a mother and he can't have a say. I have seen so many women regretful years down the line with 10 or 15 or 20 yest olds deeply deeply damaged by shit dad's.

Don't think about a baby. Think about an entire life for a child with a shit dad and your life as well

@SunflowerTed

Sorry but I’m with the boyfriend. Being forced into being a father is not good

She doesn't want to force him to be a father. She doesn't think she wants the baby either.

But she also doesn't want a man-child who runs at the first sign of trouble. She wants a man who supports and respects her.

@SunflowerTed
You’re wrong. My cousins girlfriend stopped taking the pill without telling him!

Is he not capable of making decisions for himself?
Why does contraception have to fall to the female?

If he desperately did not want to become a dad, he would be wearing a condom. He has that choice, but he didnt take it. He'd rather accept the word of someone then protect himself.

Men always have the choice to not get women pregnant - always. Infact, as shockingly as it may seem - without male sperm pregnancy is not possible!

if I did keep it, he doesn’t want anything to do with the pregnancy or have anything to do with the child when it is born- emotionally and financially.

How v unfortunate for him that he can't not "have anything to do with the child financially" .... he has to pay child maintenance.

Unless he moves to a country with no reciprocal arrangements for CM with your country.

Obviously some men work the system with self employmen, unemployment etc as well.

Overall; what's he's said and done (basically pressuring/black mailing/trying to coerce you to have an abortion ... of a condition both of you created, whether intentionally or not) shows him tk ve someone I wouldn't recommend co tnnying a relationship with, whether you choose to.continue the pregnancy or not.

He's not a decent person.

Do what is right for you and your baby. He has shown you his true colours and is clearly not a person you would want to be with. Forget him and get on with your pregnancy and setting up plans for you and your baby. Everything will be ok. Lots of people have babies that were unplanned and he doesn’t need to ruin this for you x

*of a child both of you created, whether intentionally or not

Oh and he needs to understand, like all men, that until temporary vasectomy or the male pill or similar is available, the only sex that has no risk of pregnancy, is no sex .. followed by condom sex, ideally with a spermicide, both used correctly.

Guessing from your username you’re 31/32, his approach is not something I’d expect from a guy in his early 30s (assuming he’s same age as you), he’s acting like a scared teenage boy. He isn’t the sort of guy I’d want to have children with and be tied to forever personally.

You have a few years on your side fertility wise so time to meet a decent man who is on a similar page to you. In your shoes I’d terminate both the pregnancy and relationship and meet someone worthy of your love, energy and time. It’s obviously your life though so entirely your choice. The relationship is over either way.

Will probably get slated but shouldn’t this have been a joint decision made at the beginning. If kids were not wanted then both come to a decision of how to make sure this doesn’t happen. Wether that the pill or condom. One can’t be like oh I don’t mind if it happens if they decide as a couple not to have one yet. He was honest at the beginning he did not want any so what was put in place as a couple for this to not happen.

I was in your situation. I took the difficult decision to be a single parent. I'll never regret it. I was in my 30s and deadbeat dad in his 40s, but too immature to parent his child. I was put under extreme pressure to terminate and fought it, but it was his loss, of his child and subsequent GC. They are the light of my life and giggling downstairs right now. I certainly wasn't tied to him for 18 years as some PPs suggest. In fact, a few years later I met the love of my life and he happily became dad and then grandad.

The relationship is over either way I think. He has shown his true colours and revealed that he has totally different plans for the future of your relationship. You said you want kids in 2/3 years but his reaction shows that this was never on the cards for him. He was stringing you along perhaps in the hope you would give up on the idea of kids or gradually, after fobbing you off again and again, in the future you would be past your fertile stage eventually and he would get his true wish. Sneaky and dishonest. A time thief.

Your decision now is whether you want to raise this child as a single parent. He may have nothing to do with you or your child emotionally and socially but legally he owes a financal responsibility whether he likes it or not. It takes two to get pregnant. He is an adult who made adult choices. When you have sex, no matter how good the contraceptive methods, there is always a risk of preganancy and he accepted that risk by engaging in sex. As an adult he now has to accept responsibility, financially if nothing else and a court will back you for child maintenance for 18 years at least. It is not enough and a drop in the bucket when you are a single parent but it is important that you are aware that no matter how much he claims he will have nothing to do with you or the child and doesn't want you asking him for anything, he is partially responsible for creating this pregnancy and potential life. He is living in a fantasy land if he thinks he is walking away from his responsibilities in their entirety. When you engage in adult activities you take on adult responsibilities. His gaslighting and manipulation of planning a future where you are still together where you go on trips is subtle pressure to get you to abort. His absolute ignorance to your emotional turmoil is frankly disgusting.

You have said your family would support you if you go it alone. What about his family? Do you know them? Irrespectve of him, could you forsee having them in some way being part of you and a potential child's life? A child binds two people and two families together for 18 years quite tightly and for life in more tenuous ways. ARe you prepared for those connections despite no longer being in a relastionship with this sorry excuse for a man?

I am so sorry that this has been such a terrible shock and you have such a hard decision to make but it is better that you see him now for who he is and have realized the reality of his views on kids before it is too late for you to have them in the future. Whatever you decide, it is your decision now and I wish you a happy future away from this manipulative and disingenuous man.

Well he has shown you who he is. Do you still want him? If you did decide to keep the baby and sounds like you would have supportive family around you he would still have to make financial contribution to child whether he sees it or not. If you decide to abort would you still want to be with a man that tried to control your decision and could be so cold towards yours and his own innocent baby. There are nice kind men out there who will want to take you and someone else's baby and bring it up as to their own. Regardless of your choice you can do so much better than this excuse for a man.

We are both 35 years old.

Yes, I am unsure if I want to continue with the pregnancy. But I did say, if I decided to keep the baby, how would he feel and how would we deal with it.... his response was, I don’t want a baby so you’d be a single parent as I cannot “promise” that il even be around or play a part in both your lives.

If I did abort, I would do it because of my reasons, not because he doesn’t want a child.

But he is assuming that if I don’t keep the baby that we would just stay together but my feelings towards him have changed because of the fact he said, if I did keep the baby then he wouldn’t be involved.

And think we will fly off in an aeroplane a month later, whilst he sits on a beach thinking he’s a “good man”.

At 35 (I'm the same age), I'm sorry to say that I wouldn't be hanging around to see if his words about wanting kids in 2-3 years are genuine. Not if you do definitely want them and after he has been so polar about this. I don't mean to add that time pressure to your decision now but even if you decide not to continue this pregnancy, you don't want to be in this position at 38, or for him to decide he doesn't actually want children at all.

This happened to my friend. He convinced her to terminate a pregnancy she wanted to keep in order to save their relationship then he cheated on her, got another woman pregnant and left my friend to be with this new random woman he'd impregnated from a one night stand. He's still with that woman 10 years later though I know personally of one woman he has had an affair with.

This may be controversial but my advice is: don't listen to him. You make a decision for yourself and then whatever that decision is you can be accountable for it and don't have to feel resentful if you terminate because he tells you to then end up regretting it OR keep the pregnancy and are left to do all the work with your new mum-tum while he's out gallivanting. Make the decision, take responsibility. Fuck him. Stay strong.

...of course, he could end up changing his mind and staying with if you decide to keep the pregnancy but who knows? He sounds like a dick you probably deserve much, much better whichever choice you make. The bar is so low I feel terrible for women I want us to want more

If you want kids op, at 35, this might be your chance. Just from someone who started trying at 36 and had a lot of losses, issues, IVF and that’s all while married. Factor in having to find a new relationship ( assume you wouldn’t stay with this awful man) and time ticks away further
Talk to someone close to you , it might help your decision

I had assumed he was early 20's with the immature nonsense he was coming out with not a fully grown adult at 35.

Your relationship sounds over.

Take the space and time to decide if you want to be a single parent or a single person and make the changes you need to.

It’s fair enough that he doesn’t want a baby, but this is happening, it’s real, and it’s your decision now. His plans for holidays etc as though this will all be done in a month or two is thoughtless. I’d find it hard to look at a man that didn’t support me through a difficult time. If I were you I’d step away from him now, just to get your head straight and make your decision. It does become tougher with your age factoring in. By the time you get over him/this and feel ready to move on your age may be getting near to crunch time (saying this as someone who left a relationship at 36, met someone new at 38 and couldn’t have children at 40 when we felt ready..). Might not happen to you, but needs considering.

Ye, I do hear it can be harder to conceive as you get older which is biology of the human body. And then the thought of dating again and putting myself out there with men. I know that there are so many good men out there but don’t seem to be heading in my direction, ha!

My family are supportive. My parents have said it’s sometimes easier to do things with a partner but not impossible.

I think it’s the shock as I never thought I’d be having a baby alone, even though I know I can give just as good a life if not better doing this on my own.

Best of luck. Just make the decision that you feel happiest with. You could perhaps freeze some eggs now, so they’re available for later. I have a friend that did that and had a baby from one of them at 43.. Every post you write makes you sound strong and able to cope without him.

I am sorry I didn't read all the comments.
If he really loved you like he claims to love he'd have supported your decision to have the baby.
Are you prepared to sacrifice the life of your unborn child for him? Or anyone?
If he is not ready now who is to say he will be in 2-3 years.
Not to mention possible complications of any termination (physical and emotional).
I am not sure why adult men still don't realise that having sex can result in pregnancy and no contraception is 100% effective.

PS You can make him pay maintenance even if he has no contact. And before anyone says "why should he pay if she decided to have the baby" - it took both parents to make the baby and in this country the father is responsible for supporting the child financially.

I hope you make the right decision x

No shame in having a baby alone. My grandmother did it and did a spectacular job. Wonderful woman, incredible mother and grandmother. Your boyfriend is incredibly tactless, self centred and immature good lord.

@Honeyroar I never even thought of freezing my eggs, thank you so much for bringing this up.

Is it something you do privately or nhs?