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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My bf wants nothing to do with unborn baby/pregnancy

172 replies

Sofi1990 · 31/03/2022 17:51

Hi guys, I will try to keep this short. I found out I’m pregnant (unplanned and shocked). My bf and I have not wanted children, at least for the next 2/3 years, maybe? So, this was a complete surprise.

I myself am not sure about what I want to do, and I have considered keeping and not keeping. I booked appointments to talk to a few people etc

My bf has said he is not ready and supported my decision when I was booking appointments for a termination. He seemed supportive and kept encouraging me that it was the right thing for both of us.

As I’m not hundred percent sure and I will never do anything if I have doubts, I did speak to him about keeping it and how he would feel.

He told me he didn’t want the baby and if I did keep it, he doesn’t want anything to do with the pregnancy or have anything to do with the child when it is born- emotionally and financially. He said he only wants me, wants to be with me for the rest of his life and is in love with me but he doesn’t want me and a baby.

Even though I am still thinking of an termination too, this has completely thrown me about me and just completely broken my faith in what type of man he is.

It scares me to think he is type of man. He claims to want to be with me the rest of his life and loves me but said he wants nothing to do with his baby if I keep it.

I’m just not sure that I will keep the baby for my reasons - that I can still be with a man like this.

My mind is already so so confused and now this too. I don’t know if I even want to be with him anymore, baby or no baby.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sofi1990 · 31/03/2022 18:12

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

It’s just shocking to see how a man who claims to have values and morals can say that. Or even claim to love me.

And he said isn’t it better for me to have a baby with someone in a proper relationship and not be a single mum. Then said he would prefer me to marry someone I love and have a baby together than be a single mum.

OP posts:
Amdone123 · 31/03/2022 18:14

Keep talking to the professionals regarding whether you want to keep baby or not. It's your decision. But, I agree with everyone here ; the relationship is over. He's not the person you thought he was. It takes 2 to make a baby ; he should be supporting you.
And if you do keep the baby, you'll look at your bundle of joy and wonder how he could abandon him / her. That's why you should continue talking to the professionals, because that scenario is pretty depressing.
Good luck in whatever you decide. I had an unexpected pregnancy, too, but luckily, like you, my family was amazing too.

Blossom64265 · 31/03/2022 18:14

If you have the baby and he does abandon his child, he is going to discover that for the rest of his life there will be women who instantly dump him the second they find out he is a deadbeat dad. He could be 80 in a nursing home and some women will still use it as a basic criteria to evaluate his character.

You have to decide if you want to be a single parent. It’s a harder without a partner, but a partner is not necessary.

You also have to decide if you want to deal with coparenting with him for the next 18 years and being linked to him for the rest of your life, because as much as he claims disinterest now, he may change his mind at any point.

Original poster
Sofi1990 · 31/03/2022 18:15

@ImInStealthMode

I think he’s under the assumption that if I terminate, he and I will carry on as normal and that everything will be just like it was before the baby.

OP posts:
Jesusmaryjosephandtheweedon · 31/03/2022 18:17

Your relationship is already over. So decide on whether or not you want to keep your baby based in the fact that you will be a single parent. You could never go back to being with him anyway.

As pp have said if you were the love of his life and he planned on having children with you in 2/3 years his reaction would not have been get rid or I blank you both, it would have been...are we ready for this? Can we make it work? Maybe we arent in the right place.

He has already shown you the man he is and he's not a good one. I couldn't be with a man who could turn his back on an apparently loving relationship and their own child. It takes 2 to make a baby.

Good luck with your decision OP. Do what you want to do.

Original poster
Sofi1990 · 31/03/2022 18:18

@Jesusmaryjosephandtheweedon

Thank you so much. Just reading your message has given me so much support.

OP posts:
ImInStealthMode · 31/03/2022 18:18

@Sofi1990 Well then he'll have a shock when you dump his arse. He's shown his hand and it doesn't sound like he wants kids ever.

A man who really wants them in 2 or 3 years time wouldn't take this early surprise in such a cut and dry brutal way. What would happen if you stayed together for those 2 or 3 years and then he says 2 or 3 more, then 2 or 3 more?

Don't waste any more time on him x

viques · 31/03/2022 18:21

“He hasn’t put pressure on me at all”

Er, yes he has. And not very subtle pressure at that.

What I don’t understand is why you still refer to him as your boyfriend, he has made it clear that as far as he is concerned you are not equal partners in the relationship, that things are done his way, and that when things are not how he wants then you are the one who has to make the changes/ compromise.

I don’t know how old you are but to misquote a song “ things can only get —better— worse”. Run.

viques · 31/03/2022 18:23

—better—. One day this will work for me.

Chloemol · 31/03/2022 18:24

Whatever you decide the relationship is over as you will resent him, or him you

So decide what you want

ChloeHel · 31/03/2022 18:27

Well isn’t he pleasant.

I had a friend a while back who was in this exact position, she was 21. Boyfriend got her pregnant, he denied it was his and said she cheated on him, and said if she kept it he’d leave her and have nothing to do with the baby.

Turns out baby was definitely his as he is the spitting image of the father. 9 years down the line and the father hasn’t had one word of contact with his son. But mother and son have an amazing relationship and bond and she doesn’t regret a thing.

It is entirely your decision, do not let anything this boy says sway your decision. Chances are you won’t be with him in the future.

NeinDanke · 31/03/2022 18:31

This thread is so depressing. OP, YANBU.

Beside the point, but I can't believe that tacky name is still used in 2022. Time to move on and leave it in the past along with Page 3 and lads' mags. Oh, and calling women with different boundaries to you "prudes" and "pearl-clutches."

Thewheelsfalloffthebus · 31/03/2022 18:34

Dump him, go and stay with your family for a few days and then decide what you would like to do.
Tell him you can’t be with someone who would disown their own child and you’ll be in touch to let him know what your decision is about continuing or terminating your pregnancy.

Isonthecase · 31/03/2022 18:37

Firstly, absolutely your choice what you do about the baby.

But, how long have you known? If he's been a decent guy so far I'd be concerned that this is just pure blind panic and once he gets his head around it he'll be decent. I say this because my (now) husband had a similar reaction to our unplanned pregnancy but after a couple of days realised what a tit he was being, apologised, and has absolutely stepped up to the plate ever since. If it's longer than a week or so though I'm afraid he's probably just a bastard who is good at hiding it.

FloralsForSpring · 31/03/2022 18:39

He sounds incredibly manipulative tbh.
I would leave him and decide what you want to do about the baby yourself.

Nelliephant1 · 31/03/2022 18:39

Your baby doesn't deserve a dad like that. Hold him to his word, have him sign all rights over to you and enjoy your life with your child.

NeinDanke · 31/03/2022 18:40

Sorry, wrong thread!

RagzRebooted · 31/03/2022 18:41

@Mummacake

Massive red flags all over this. How old are you? He wants to control you - is he already quite controlling? He wants you but not your baby? This is not a nice man & you need to seriously consider if you want to be tied to him in any way via this child for the next 18yrs. As fit nit wanting anything to do with baby financially, that's tough. If he won't support the child voluntarily, you'll have to go via CMS. He sounds awful & I would get as far away from him as possible whatever you decide re: continuing the pregnancy. Personally, I wouldn't continue with it & would dump his unpleasant ass. Sorry you find yourself in this situation.
Exactly this. I would not have the baby and I would dump the guy. But if you did keep the baby, he needs to understand that he put it there so he pays. My biological father did this to my mum, wouldn't let her put his name on my birth certificate as he didn't want to be chased for money (not that he ever had a job anyway). I was, and am, way more angry about this than my mother ever was!
LegMeChicken · 31/03/2022 18:41

What an idiot. It takes two to make a baby. Did he take precautions… is that why he feels entitled to wash his hands of the matter?

Hello13457 · 31/03/2022 18:43

I have not but a friend was. She kept the baby. It was born with severe problems and is very dissabled. Her plan was to go on benefits so she could have children. She unlike you had been obsessed with having a child and husband. So much so that she couldnt see the truth or refused to see it. He had always been honest about not wanting children but wanted to be with her. (Much later we found out she actually got pregnant and intentionally having told him she was on the pill.) Anyway. She kept it thinking he will step up and be a good dad. He did not. He wanted nothing to do with it and although he did buy things and stayed with her for a while it fell apart fast. Looking back I beleive that even if she had got rid of it he wouldnt have stuck around. She wouldnt let go of him but desperately wanted children. I think if you want kids at some point but he has clearly stated he doesnt then it will not work. Even if it was years later it happened i think the result would be the same.

If you have thought about raising this child alone, if its born perfect or not. And still want and accept the challenges then keep it. If you have any financial or emotional worries then its probably best for all of you to not keep it. I strongly beleive you should not keep a baby for selfish reasons even if you really want it but cant offer a decent life. Not that im saying you cant just that there is a lot to think about that most don't even consider. If you do keep it however maybe don't put his name on certificate. He might not but he might make things difficult for you in the future, depending on how he reacts to the news/ potential breakup. Also if things change you can add him later.

girlmom21 · 31/03/2022 18:43

You know what he's capable of now and you know in 2 to 3 years he could still be fully prepared to abandon any baby or child you might have.

I'd end things with him personally.

Thewindwhispers · 31/03/2022 18:44

I’m so sorry OP. I would fall out of love very fast with a man who said that.

Life happens. Things don’t go as planned. Your partner should be the one who supports and helps you, not who abandons you (or an innocent child he created) when things get tough. He’s acting like this is a step you’re choosing to take, when he’s the one who got you pregnant! He’s not a keeper. At least you found out before you married or bought a house. What if you were injured, or ill, or fired, would he abandon you then too? Partnerships require trust.

Good luck with whatever you decide. The person I would be thinking about most here is your future self. Would she be glad you ended the pregnancy? Would she be haunted by an abortion? Would she be happy with her child? Etc. Basically you need to live with your decision either way. Do bear in mind also that it doesn’t have to be single motherhood vs abortion, there are huge waiting lists of infertile couples hoping to adopt babies, and very few babies available to them - just a thought.

(And agree with other poster: your bf is putting huge, huge emotional pressure on you.)

HellToTheNope · 31/03/2022 18:44

I would never bring a child into the world knowing they have a father like him, and if you can actually stay with such a vile, disgusting person, I'm afraid you have no standards whatsoever.

He is clearly not the man you thought he was. He is deplorable.

BoredZelda · 31/03/2022 18:44

Whatever your choice, your next step is to not be with this guy.

AtrociousCircumstance · 31/03/2022 18:44

He has shown you how substandard he is. Why would you want him for a minute longer, under any circumstances. It’s despicable behaviour OP.

Whatever you plan to do with the pregnancy, dump this man who has exposed himself as weak, nasty, amoral and untrustworthy.