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Original poster

My bf wants nothing to do with unborn baby/pregnancy

172 replies

Sofi1990 · 31/03/2022 17:51

Hi guys, I will try to keep this short. I found out I’m pregnant (unplanned and shocked). My bf and I have not wanted children, at least for the next 2/3 years, maybe? So, this was a complete surprise.

I myself am not sure about what I want to do, and I have considered keeping and not keeping. I booked appointments to talk to a few people etc

My bf has said he is not ready and supported my decision when I was booking appointments for a termination. He seemed supportive and kept encouraging me that it was the right thing for both of us.

As I’m not hundred percent sure and I will never do anything if I have doubts, I did speak to him about keeping it and how he would feel.

He told me he didn’t want the baby and if I did keep it, he doesn’t want anything to do with the pregnancy or have anything to do with the child when it is born- emotionally and financially. He said he only wants me, wants to be with me for the rest of his life and is in love with me but he doesn’t want me and a baby.

Even though I am still thinking of an termination too, this has completely thrown me about me and just completely broken my faith in what type of man he is.

It scares me to think he is type of man. He claims to want to be with me the rest of his life and loves me but said he wants nothing to do with his baby if I keep it.

I’m just not sure that I will keep the baby for my reasons - that I can still be with a man like this.

My mind is already so so confused and now this too. I don’t know if I even want to be with him anymore, baby or no baby.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
sorrysaywhatnow · 31/03/2022 20:05

That's so heartbreaking to read. That you have to deal with two such life changing decisions at once, although one is easier than the other in real terms. He's not a good person and doesn't truly love you...upsetting, but it is what it is. What you do in terms of your baby, well that's entirely your decision. It's a very personal decision, but if I was young and in your shoes, I'd probably cut all ties and move on. There's no right or wrong here, it's completely up to you

SoupDragon · 31/03/2022 20:08

@SunflowerTed

I’m with your boyfriend. He’s not ready to be a parent and this shouldn’t be forced on him
He willingly participated in an act that has the possibility of pregnancy. As a bare minimum, he has to pay the financial consequences of that.
GettingItOutThere · 31/03/2022 20:10

@Sofi1990

I think it would be hard to be with a man that could disown his own baby.
you cant be with him if you keep the baby? he has said this

dump him, if you are early enough consider a termination and block this man

User839516 · 31/03/2022 20:11

I don’t know you OP but I just want to say I’m really proud of you! We see so many women on here whose standards are so, so low when it comes to men. The fact that your first thought was ‘this man doesn’t deserve me’ is brilliant - keep that energy! It also shows your at least partly ready to be a mum! Going by your username are you 32 this year? If so I would go for it with the baby, especially if you have a supportive family. You can make a new life for you and your child, and your ex boyfriend can go fuck himself.

Gazorpazorp · 31/03/2022 20:15

If you want children at some point in the future, then keep the baby. There will NEVER be a perfect time (I say this as someone who was very unsure about motherhood, got pregnant at a truly terrible time but who has actually loved every minute with my baby). Yes, it’s easier in some ways if you have a partner but in some ways it’s easier if you don’t - you don’t have anyone to disagree with about parenting and you can do exactly as you and your baby please. Whatever you decide, please don’t waste another second of your life with this boyfriend. There are plenty of men out there who won’t be put off by a woman who has a child.

Agathawispy · 31/03/2022 20:29

@User839516

I don’t know you OP but I just want to say I’m really proud of you! We see so many women on here whose standards are so, so low when it comes to men. The fact that your first thought was ‘this man doesn’t deserve me’ is brilliant - keep that energy! It also shows your at least partly ready to be a mum! Going by your username are you 32 this year? If so I would go for it with the baby, especially if you have a supportive family. You can make a new life for you and your child, and your ex boyfriend can go fuck himself.
Love this
TurquoiseDragon · 31/03/2022 20:29

Any man who chooses to have sex with a woman must also accept that there is always a possibility that pregnancy will result.

But there are some amazing things that could prevent it!!! Condoms. Vasectomy. Abstinence.

No man is trapped into pregnancy. They can just take control of their own fertility.

whumpthereitis · 31/03/2022 20:32

It doesn’t really matter if anyone else thinks he’s a dick or not, he’s clearly established where he stands on this. This is a good thing in that now you can make your decision knowing the score in regards to him.

If you decide to continue then he should pay child support, but given the amount of men that don’t, it’s not something that should be counted on sadly. Plan for the worst from him, don’t make decisions based on the hope that he’ll come around or that he’ll offer the bare minimum of support.

Personally I wouldn’t have a child without the support of the father, but that’s me. You can only make the right decision for you. Whatever choice you make though, you’ve now discovered that you have a major incompatibility with your partner in respect to values.

MadKittenWoman · 31/03/2022 20:49

LTB. Keep your baby if that’s what your gut and heart is telling you. Flowers

OctMama · 31/03/2022 20:52

Hi OP
I really feel for you, I was in your situation this time last year with my then partner who tried to pressure me into a termination and then refused to speak to me my entire pregnancy. It turns out he was in fact cheating and they are now engaged.🤮 I know some men do come around and he may be panicking but it’s really important you look after yourself and make the right decision for you alone. I remember crying for the first two weeks after my positive test because I was so terrified.
I now have a darling, happy little boy and it has not been easy at all as a single parent but i do not regret my decision one bit as he’s changed me as a person and he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. His Dad has been a nightmare and I won’t lie and say it’s been hard knowing I have a tie to him for the rest of my life but I’m having counselling to process it. He does see him occasionally (but not enough) and came round not long after he was born which was a shock as I’d done the whole pregnancy alone and made all the decisions alone. Please PM me at any point if you’d like a chat. Do you have a supportive family? My mum was my biggest help x

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/03/2022 20:53

He’s never going to be ready to have a baby. He sounds like those men, who promise he wants to wait a few years, just a few more whilst waiting for your fertility to slowly wain.

As said upthread, he doesn’t love you. He loves the idea of being with you to flatter his ego. He actually wants a compliant doll.

He sounds horrible. Whatever happens, this relationship is over. Can you step away from him and talk to an abortion clinic about your options. They can give you some counselling to help with your decision. Flowers

SecretSpAD · 31/03/2022 20:57

It's your body so only you get to make the decision about whether you continue with the pregnancy or not.

It is his decision whether he wants to be involved. There is no shame in nit wanting to be a parent and he's being very clear, right now, that he does not want a child. Despite what some people think on here, that's absolutely fine and does not make him a bad person. It is best that you find out now rather than a few years down the line when your child (if you keep it) has grown enough to knkw who their dad is.

Financially he has no choice but to contribute. But that's all you can ask of him.

Fundamentally your relationship is over because even if you don't want this baby, then you know now that you do and he doesn't. You also know that his feeling about not being a parent is stronger than his feelings for you. It's time to call it a day and go your separate ways.

He won't get dumped by other women because of this because he has been very clear and very honest that he doesn't want children. There are women who don't want children and who will understand that he didn't want children. It's the men who pretend who women judge, not the honest ones.

Downton57 · 31/03/2022 21:15

I judge him pretty harshly actually. If he didn't want children he should have done something about it. And all that emotional blackmail is hideous, dangling holidays and romance if she'll have an abortion or dumping her if she won't. That's not a honest man, that's a creep.

123LiloLill · 31/03/2022 22:54

Now you know what a horrible, manipulative little turd he is.

It is your decision to have the baby or not. He will still have to support his child financially, that is not something he can opt out of.

Now that he has shown his true colours, things will never be the same again. Don't let his poisonous behaviour put you off having your baby if that is what you decide.

SunflowerTed · 31/03/2022 23:47

@TurquoiseDragon

Any man who chooses to have sex with a woman must also accept that there is always a possibility that pregnancy will result.

But there are some amazing things that could prevent it!!! Condoms. Vasectomy. Abstinence.

No man is trapped into pregnancy. They can just take control of their own fertility.

You’re wrong. My cousins girlfriend stopped taking the pill without telling him!
SunflowerTed · 31/03/2022 23:57

Sorry but I’m with the boyfriend. Being forced into being a father is not good

NowEvenBetter · 01/04/2022 00:07

Why not start your own thread, @SunflowerTed? About males refusing to take responsibility for their ejaculate and not using contraception themselves?

NowEvenBetter · 01/04/2022 00:08

This male would not be a father, he would simply be an impregnator, who’d need to provide money for the consequences of his choice.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/04/2022 06:03

@SunflowerTed
A man can choose to look after his own fertility or rely on the woman to do it for him. If the man is so adamant he doesn’t want a child, he should ensure pregnancy doesn’t occur by taking care of contraception himself rather than complain about a lack of contraception or contraception failure.

Shoxfordian · 01/04/2022 06:08

He’s not someone you want in your life after these comments whatever your decision op

SunflowerTed · 01/04/2022 06:36

@SecretSpAD

It's your body so only you get to make the decision about whether you continue with the pregnancy or not.

It is his decision whether he wants to be involved. There is no shame in nit wanting to be a parent and he's being very clear, right now, that he does not want a child. Despite what some people think on here, that's absolutely fine and does not make him a bad person. It is best that you find out now rather than a few years down the line when your child (if you keep it) has grown enough to knkw who their dad is.

Financially he has no choice but to contribute. But that's all you can ask of him.

Fundamentally your relationship is over because even if you don't want this baby, then you know now that you do and he doesn't. You also know that his feeling about not being a parent is stronger than his feelings for you. It's time to call it a day and go your separate ways.

He won't get dumped by other women because of this because he has been very clear and very honest that he doesn't want children. There are women who don't want children and who will understand that he didn't want children. It's the men who pretend who women judge, not the honest ones.

At last ! Totally agree
SunflowerTed · 01/04/2022 06:41

@NowEvenBetter

Why not start your own thread, *@SunflowerTed*? About males refusing to take responsibility for their ejaculate and not using contraception themselves?
He is taking responsibility. Are you saying he should be forced into fatherhood when he’s stated clearly that he isn’t ready?
Rewis · 01/04/2022 07:19

And he said isn’t it better for me to have a baby with someone in a proper relationship and not be a single mum. Then said he would prefer me to marry someone I love and have a baby together than be a single mum

This makes no sense if he wants to go back to before. The message makes it sound like he is breaking up with you eventually. Regardless if you have the baby or not. He is saying that he wants to you to get married and have a family with someone else.

SoupDragon · 01/04/2022 07:36

He is taking responsibility. Are you saying he should be forced into fatherhood when he’s stated clearly that he isn’t ready?

How is he taking responsibility? By using emotional pressure to force the OP into terminating the pregnancy?

If you have sex, there is a risk of pregnancy. The only way to avoid it 100% is abstinence.

RantyAunty · 01/04/2022 07:44

[quote Sofi1990]@CloseYourEyesAndSee

It’s just shocking to see how a man who claims to have values and morals can say that. Or even claim to love me.

And he said isn’t it better for me to have a baby with someone in a proper relationship and not be a single mum. Then said he would prefer me to marry someone I love and have a baby together than be a single mum.[/quote]
And he said isn’t it better for me to have a baby with someone in a proper relationship and not be a single mum. Then said he would prefer me to marry someone I love and have a baby together than be a single mum.

This tells you everything you need to know about how he truly feels about you.

He doesn't consider the relationship a "proper" relationship and he has no intentions to marry you.

I take it, you're both in your 30s and you've been together 2 years. He would have proposed already. He's a deceptive future faker using you until someone else comes along and he'll be engaged to them within 6 months.