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Original poster

My bf wants nothing to do with unborn baby/pregnancy

172 replies

Sofi1990 · 31/03/2022 17:51

Hi guys, I will try to keep this short. I found out I’m pregnant (unplanned and shocked). My bf and I have not wanted children, at least for the next 2/3 years, maybe? So, this was a complete surprise.

I myself am not sure about what I want to do, and I have considered keeping and not keeping. I booked appointments to talk to a few people etc

My bf has said he is not ready and supported my decision when I was booking appointments for a termination. He seemed supportive and kept encouraging me that it was the right thing for both of us.

As I’m not hundred percent sure and I will never do anything if I have doubts, I did speak to him about keeping it and how he would feel.

He told me he didn’t want the baby and if I did keep it, he doesn’t want anything to do with the pregnancy or have anything to do with the child when it is born- emotionally and financially. He said he only wants me, wants to be with me for the rest of his life and is in love with me but he doesn’t want me and a baby.

Even though I am still thinking of an termination too, this has completely thrown me about me and just completely broken my faith in what type of man he is.

It scares me to think he is type of man. He claims to want to be with me the rest of his life and loves me but said he wants nothing to do with his baby if I keep it.

I’m just not sure that I will keep the baby for my reasons - that I can still be with a man like this.

My mind is already so so confused and now this too. I don’t know if I even want to be with him anymore, baby or no baby.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:

Mumoftwoinprimary · 01/04/2022 17:44

@Sofi1990

This might sound really stupid but does fertility decline for a man as he ages, like it does for a woman?

A little but nowhere near as fast. 10 years from now he could ditch you leaving you childless and happily skip off and have twins with a 27 year old.

rwalker · 01/04/2022 17:45

He's just being honest you know exactly here you stand and make your decision on that .

chiangmai · 01/04/2022 17:47

At 35 this is a big decision. I already had a DC when I met my now DH, he was up for DC at some point but we ended up pregnant when i was 34, he freaked and wanted me to terminate. Told him if we were meant to be building a future together when did he expect us to have DC? We did end up progressing the pregnancy and have had two further DC since . This man is impacting on your ability to have a DC, his selfish attitude is obvious and his lack of care or concern is a worry. If you terminate and split up what are the chances you meet someone who wants kids right away. Or doesnt already have them. (assuming you want DC of course) This is a big decision for you.

Agathawispy · 01/04/2022 17:51

Fertility doesn’t decline for men like it does for women. Realistically, women struggle post 40 with most not able to conceive 42 onwards. Many women struggle after 35 or can be very unfortunate like your friend.
Men can conceive in there 60s and 70s! Look at many celeb men like Rolling Stones, Bernie ecclestone and others , Fertility obviously declines over time but not like ours
That’s why your boyfriend has all the time on the world to change his mind but you don’t have that luxury

BuffyFanForever · 01/04/2022 17:51

@Sofi1990 statistically I believe it does but nothing like as much as for women. They also have the option of icsi (another part of ivf where one single sperm is injected basically into an egg) so even if their sperm count drops abit that’s an option. With women once egg reserve is done that’s it the only option then is an egg donor so no genetic link to the child. Really wishing you all the very best and it’s great that your Mum sounds on board to help of needed. X

BuffyFanForever · 01/04/2022 17:51

*if

Agathawispy · 01/04/2022 17:51

Their not there

Haffiana · 01/04/2022 18:10

My bf and I have not wanted children, at least for the next 2/3 years, maybe?

It really isn't clear from this, or from your other posts whether you and him ever actually discussed having children. From his reaction, and from your reaction to his reaction I suspect that you didn't. You both didn't want children and that was that.

You seem also quite unaware of the risk of your declining fertility on the chances of having children at 37 to 38 or what ever you would be at in the 'next 2-3 years maybe'.

At 35 years old, in a relationship for 2 years, SURELY this has been discussed? I can see that a lot of posters assume it has, but was it ever?

If not, and if as you yourself say, both of you did not want children, then you have now changed your mind and he has not changed his mind.

He didn't want a child, and he doesn't want a child. He wanted a relationship without a child and he still does. So yeah, it seems heartless and all that, but he has never lied to you about this. Having a baby won't change his mind about not wanting to have a baby. Why would it?

If it is a deal breaker to you then leave him.

Original poster

Sofi1990 · 01/04/2022 18:20

@haffiana

We did discuss children when we first met and started dating and decided that it wasn’t something we wanted straight away. We would wait a while. We both said we are open to having children but we never actively tried or stopped using contraception.

Last year, we did speak about it as his sister had a baby and we said if we did we would try for one in the next few years.

OP posts:

G5000 · 01/04/2022 19:49

How do you feel right now? Do you want children? Because if you do, you need to either keep this baby or move on and find another partner immediately. This man does not want to have a family with you - not now, not in 3 years.

Tamworth123 · 01/04/2022 20:28

Agree, but fertility drops rapidly at 35 not 39

No, that's one of the most mis understood issues.

It drops relatively gradually til.39, with 90% of women actively ttc conceiving doing so within 2 years until 39, after which it rapidly drops.

Tamworth123 · 01/04/2022 20:33

@Sofi1990

This might sound really stupid but does fertility decline for a man as he ages, like it does for a woman?

Wirh age, the speed and reliability of impregnating their partner drops, the likelihood of parter miscarrying rises, the likelihood of fetal abnormalities rises .... however it does not decline in the same way.

In spite of the above being known for quite a while, and fertility clinics setting 39/40 as the limit for sperm donors; most people are unaware, and women are always focused on.

Tamworth123 · 01/04/2022 20:39

Further on women, examples chance per cycles;

According to Yolanda Kirkham, an OB-GYN at Women's College Hospital and St. Joseph's Health Centre in Toronto, your chances of conceiving each cycle you try are 25 to 30 percent if you're under 35, eight to 15 percent if you're 35 to 39, five percent if you're 40 to 42 and one to two percent at age 43.

As I said, NHS fertility page reported 90% of 39 and under falling pregnant within 2 years. You would imagine there's a correlation between age and length of time within that.

Tamworth123 · 01/04/2022 20:43

Before the posters that pop up on every thread like this (usually the same oned who say there's a fertility cliff at 35) to say e.g. only 5% of women fall pregnant at 40 to 42 ..... chance per cycle is chance per cycle, not odds of falling pregnant, and not the percentage of women who fall pregnant.

There was a poster on another thread vociferously arguing that for pages.

Tamworth123 · 01/04/2022 20:46

Having said all this, op, I'd still be inclined to encourage you to continue the pregnancy at 35, if you'd really like children.

Oh and your bf is a fkg asshole.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 01/04/2022 20:53

@Haffiana

My bf and I have not wanted children, at least for the next 2/3 years, maybe?

You seem also quite unaware of the risk of your declining fertility on the chances of having children at 37 to 38 or what ever you would be at in the 'next 2-3 years maybe'.

At 35 years old, in a relationship for 2 years, SURELY this has been discussed? I can see that a lot of posters assume it has, but was it ever?

If not, and if as you yourself say, both of you did not want children, then you have now changed your mind and he has not changed his mind.

If it is a deal breaker to you then leave him.

It sounds as though he was trying to run the clock down.

namnamnam22 · 10/04/2022 22:17

Hey OP, just checking to see how you are?

whiteroseredrose · 10/04/2022 22:33

@waterrat

Hi op. I'd like to give some reflection to you from the perspective of someone who has seen a few friends over the years have babies with horrible men.

If you have this baby he will be in your life forever. He may say now that he doesn't want to be involved but thst actually isn't the worst outcome . A highly likely outcome is you will spend 18 years having to deal with his awful personality and control over you and your child

He may step in at any point and want to control or influence your parenting. He can control where you live through court orders. He can control the holidays you take and where you send your child to school

He will be an enormous influence on your child even if he barely sees them. He may turn up sporadically and wound your life fir life with emotional issues of abandonment

Please do not go into this situation thinking you can just decide to be a mother and he can't have a say. I have seen so many women regretful years down the line with 10 or 15 or 20 yest olds deeply deeply damaged by shit dad's.

Don't think about a baby. Think about an entire life for a child with a shit dad and your life as well

This! You would be tied to him forever.

lisaandalan · 10/04/2022 22:36

I'd leave him. X

lisaandalan · 10/04/2022 22:44

I also don't think he really wants children and will make excuses to wait. X

saraclara · 10/04/2022 22:47

he said he wants nothing to do with the baby if I keep it. And to never ask him for anything or cross his path.

The relationship is over, frankly. It's bizarre that he doesn't see the effect that his statement will have had on you and the relationship.

I don't think that having the baby would result in him suddenly trying to be invoved, to be honest, as some have said. Don't name him on the BC and get an undertaking from him that he will leave you both alone (yes I know that's not foolproof, but since he thinks he can make that demand of you, you can at least get the same from him).

Original poster

Sofi1990 · 12/04/2022 19:36

@namnamnam22 hey I’m okay. I decided to keep the baby. I’ve just done a new updated thread with my current situation.

Thank you so much for checking in on me x

OP posts:

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