I want to be supportive but I don't want a baby in the house

[SisterBlis]

My step daughter is pregnant. 14 weeks. Isn't in a relationship.
She wouldn't be able to afford a place on her own. So the only option is for her and the baby to live with us.
I want to be supportive but having a baby in the house doesn't fill me with joy.
We already have a 9, 12, and 13 Yr old. We both have busy full on jobs. Life feels very full on as it is.

Also, it feels very harsh and unsupportive to even think it but, if you can't afford to support a child, should you be bringing one into the world?

@TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo

Your post brought a lump to my throat, what a lovely, lovely step dad!

The OP is a step parent of the female persuasion with a wife, (not that it matters, but she's just not step dad).

She's supportive, but concerned & seems unable to speak her mind for fear of upsetting the SD & thus the wife, in a possible 'relationship ending' kind of way.

So complicated!

Thank you for sharing about your step Dad, it's certainly put a warmth in my heart & a smile on my face this grey chilly morning!

@Swayingpalmtrees

If OP doesn't like it he/she can move out because the daughter's genuine need for her mother's assistance comes WAY before a partner's sense of selfish entitlement

It is not selfish to want some kind of control over your own life.
It is not selfish to feel you are already overcommitted and overstretched looking after your own children.

What IS selfish is getting pregnant with no job, partner or plan at 19 and expecting everyone else to fall over themselves to pick up the pieces for the next eighteen years!

This.

Threads like this and the responses is why I could never be a step-parent.

@Swayingpalmtrees

If OP doesn't like it he/she can move out because the daughter's genuine need for her mother's assistance comes WAY before a partner's sense of selfish entitlement

It is not selfish to want some kind of control over your own life.
It is not selfish to feel you are already overcommitted and overstretched looking after your own children.

What IS selfish is getting pregnant with no job, partner or plan at 19 and expecting everyone else to fall over themselves to pick up the pieces for the next eighteen years!

In a nutshell.

Raising your own children to adulthood is a hell of a job, having grandchildren imposed on you in your home in this way is simply not on IMO.

I can't think of a single friend of mine, while possibly very sympathetic, wouldn't be utterly appalled at the vista of going back to a baby in the house.

It certainly wouldn't be for my husband and myself.

I am so over the baby stage.

[quote MuggleMadness]@TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo

Your post brought a lump to my throat, what a lovely, lovely step dad!

The OP is a step parent of the female persuasion with a wife, (not that it matters, but she's just not step dad).

She's supportive, but concerned & seems unable to speak her mind for fear of upsetting the SD & thus the wife, in a possible 'relationship ending' kind of way.

So complicated!

Thank you for sharing about your step Dad, it's certainly put a warmth in my heart & a smile on my face this grey chilly morning![/quote]
Thank you that's a lovely response.

And apologies OP if I have mis-gendered you!!

@billy1966

OP,

I can well understand your frustration.

Some of the responses here are so utterly deluded.

Of course this is going to be a massive transition for your family and you have every right not to want to go back to the baby stage under your roof.

Perhaps you will be lucky and your SD will suddenly morph into a responsible mother at 19, or she could just expect you all to suck it up and step in and become default parents.

For every happy ending their are also many, many parents who ended up raising their grandchild, while the young mum's want to carry on with the socialising that people her age should be doing.

It is very hard to remain separate when you see a young mum not engaging.

Will she expect on tap babysitting from you all?

I think you need to have a VERY frank conversation with your wife away from home, on what she thinks is going to happen.

The idea that you have no say in a house that you share is not acceptable.

The idea that your wife thinks you have to just suck it up, is not acceptable.

I think a VERY frank conversation needs to be had with your SD by her mother laying out some boundaries.
You also need to be part of the conversation.

If you contribute to the cost of the house, you should have a say.

A new baby WILL change the dynamic of the house.
Your young teens may love it, they also may not.
Nothing is a given here.

Resentment is a huge possibility here if you can't speak frankly.

The idea that your wife can assume the baby will stay in your home without so much as a conversation with how you feel would make me think that you do not have a very healthy relationship at all.

In your place I would be very pissed off not to be consulted.

With the exception of teenagers that had issues long before they had a baby or got into toxic relationships then I’ve never come across any where the grandma ended up raising the baby. Can imagine could happen if grandparents convinced a young girl she couldn’t cope and insisted on taking over or the young girl brought up with this middle class idea that people are kids till their 30 and so felt an entitlement to some extended care free youth. Some teenagers are very infantilised by their parents these days and end up with no sense of responsibility or confidence to cope in the outside world. However certainly in the circles I mix and work in its very rare for grandma to be taking over the care of baby

@TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo I Have three.

A good parent raises their child to know that actions and decisions have consequences.

I like OP would say that parent and child could stay at home.

But they are low on the priority list. My own minors would come first and they would be working and paying their way. They would have to be considerate of space and would contribute to the cleanliness of the home.

Babysitting would be at sole convenience to me and the childcare is their responsibility to find and plan.

I said on another thread these situations are such lose/lose for the parents (of the daughter). They’re either unsupportive and labelled assholes, or they have to accept someone has made a decision for their lives and their household that they get no say in. So unfair.

This.

I'd have an issue if my other children were still in exam years and past that DH wants to job change which in his area means another move which I'm fine with - and that likely means downsizing as were in cheap area, Even if we stay despite loving the house area and neighbours - it's a long commute for work and once they are a certain age having a bigger house in certain locations for education is less important than time spent commuting for work.

I'm not in a step family - so first step would be easier talk to DH make sure we forsee as many issues as possible - look at all housing options like paying for a flat - agree level of involvemement then together talk to pg offspring about what we can and can't offer. I expect that would be an ongoing conversation till they became independent from us.

I've know several teen mothers and I know it can and often does work out though it can be bloody hard.

I think communication is going to be key - maybe once your DW is over the shock and not in panic/cope mode talking about expecations and management and impact on other kids might be easier.

In mean time you should be allowed to vent somewhere like here and feel whatever you do - as this is going to impact on your current life and by how much and for how long isn't forseeable.

Be that stepdad OP. Your sad needs live and support right now. She is scared, confused and doesn't know what to do. You need to step up.

lovely for you. Did you ever ask your stepdad if he had other dreams and hopes for his years once his kids/stepkids grew up? he sacrificed a lot for you with absolutely no obligation to whatsoever. Lovely that he did but there is no need for OP to do any such thing.

OP has said they doesn't want to chuck the DDD out or anything. But it is a decision that has an effect on 5 other people, some of whom are too young to simply move out as some ridiculous pp suggested OP do if they don't want to have their life upended.

But think about that for a moment, say OP does move out and takes their income with them. I wonder how DSD would cope then?

It needs to be a family decision about how much support, and what kind of support is given. But DSD must have zero expectations outside of anything her mum wants to promise (and that can't take resources from other family members without discussion if things aren't to get sticky)

It can work. It can all go tits up. But people have to talk and expectations have to be both realistic and managed.

OP if your marriage fails, hypothetically, would your wife's financial situation allow her to fund herself, her sole child/children and her Grandchild?

Just thinking they may believe you have no choice but to be submissive but I would do the MN practice and get your Ducks in a row just to know where everyone stands in every scenario.

It's laughable that people say babies bring people together when every other post here is about marriages collapsing over the stress and pressure of newborns/toddlers/ the division of labour.

@Brefugee

Be that stepdad OP. Your sad needs live and support right now. She is scared, confused and doesn't know what to do. You need to step up.

lovely for you. Did you ever ask your stepdad if he had other dreams and hopes for his years once his kids/stepkids grew up? he sacrificed a lot for you with absolutely no obligation to whatsoever. Lovely that he did but there is no need for OP to do any such thing.

OP has said they doesn't want to chuck the DDD out or anything. But it is a decision that has an effect on 5 other people, some of whom are too young to simply move out as some ridiculous pp suggested OP do if they don't want to have their life upended.

But think about that for a moment, say OP does move out and takes their income with them. I wonder how DSD would cope then?

It needs to be a family decision about how much support, and what kind of support is given. But DSD must have zero expectations outside of anything her mum wants to promise (and that can't take resources from other family members without discussion if things aren't to get sticky)

It can work. It can all go tits up. But people have to talk and expectations have to be both realistic and managed.

Are you actually serious??

My stepdad "gave up" a year in his forties to support a stepdaughter he loved and a grandchild he adores. Hardly destroying his hopes and fucking dreams. He is a much better person than you give him credit for.

Jesus fucking Christ you are a dramatic lot for a Tuesday!!!

Everyone is assuming OP is female when he has already confirmed he is stepdad

@TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo

Could you please tell me what time the OP posted confirming this, I can't find it anywhere!

@MuggleMadness

Everyone is assuming OP is female when he has already confirmed he is stepdad

@TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo

Could you please tell me what time the OP posted confirming this, I can't find it anywhere!

See earlier post - I have apologised for Misgendering.

Think I read an earlier post wrong 😳

@TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo

Only a year suggests you got your ducks in a row pretty swiftly.

Very few here, including OP, are suggesting they don't allow the SD to stay. Just that open discussions need to be had about expectations and there needs to be respect for the fact that this is NOT an obligation. The SD needs to be grateful, mature, and prepared to pull her weight and be mindful of the impact she and her baby are having on the rest of the household.

The mentality that anyone, parent or step parent, would be selfish and unsupportive to expect the above does not bode well for any of that being understood.

That's a really unrealistic view of what your Step Dad might have felt about your pregnancy @TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo

Yes he stepped up & supported you, but that doesn't mean that meant the more carefree life he expected to have over the next few year, wasn't a loss to him. Very naive of yiu to think otherwise

If our DD19 came home pregnant, we'd step up & support her, we luckily have space, but it doesn't mean we wouldn't be devastated to go back to screaming babies, childproofing everything again & the constant stream of bugs that come with small kids & having to give up a second room to her, when we have plans already. Would she ever know that. Ofc not, she'd only see the support, not what we'd had to give up, nor how we really felt about it.

dove it is entirely possible that op's sd will need much more than a year of support, I would say it is most likely she will need at least a few years of hands on support and even after that plenty of money/time/input and help. This is not a small undertaking.
The housing situation is very strained in this country, she is not in homeless situation and unlikely to be a priority.

Your stepfather sounds like a lovely man, but without the other stresses and strains that feature in this scenario.

dove Just for the record I would be quietly devastated if this happened to us. I would never tell my dd but to see her life chances disappearing at 19, saddled with a baby and all the responsibility that comes with it would be shocking for us.

Of course I would hug her, support her but I would not know where to start with a newborn at this point in our lives. I am already so tired, as are many people just keeping our own commitments going/bills paid - I am sure your parents loved your baby, but it won't have come easily for them nor without serious issues and sacrifices on their part whether they told you or not.

If you are now a mature adult you will know that teen pregnancies need masses of support financially and in terms of practical help.

@Swayingpalmtrees

dove Just for the record I would be quietly devastated if this happened to us. I would never tell my dd but to see her life chances disappearing at 19, saddled with a baby and all the responsibility that comes with it would be shocking for us.

Of course I would hug her, support her but I would not know where to start with a newborn at this point in our lives. I am already so tired, as are many people just keeping our own commitments going/bills paid - I am sure your parents loved your baby, but it won't have come easily for them nor without serious issues and sacrifices on their part whether they told you or not.

If you are now a mature adult you will know that teen pregnancies need masses of support financially and in terms of practical help.

Well my "baby" is about to turn 18 so yes I am now a mature adult.

I think it's quite small minded to believe your DDs life would be down the drain and opportunities lost.

I am married with another girl now. I did a degree at 24. I am in a high managerial career that I love earning a lot more than my friends and family.

I didn't throw anything away. It's just that life knew what i needed before I did. Becoming a mum at 20 sorted my life out. I was a little shit before I got the positive result.

"Mature adult" and yet so clearly naive.

So you managed perhaps a little better than most dove largely down to the huge amount of support you had from parents that were young enough, wealthy enough, with space, time and energy to help you. You were in fact very very lucky.

It may have been a different story if your parents lived in an overcrowded house with four children still at home to care for, money was tight and they were both utterly exhausted. Your experience I am guessing would have been very different to the one you describe.

Your parents may have helped you with deposits, baby sitting so you could go to uni and clearly a massive operation to give you a fighting chance in life, but it is supremely naive to believe everyone is in the same position!! Most are not, and they won't find out just how bloody hard it is until it is far too late, and the rose tinted spectacles of motherhood are lying on the floor.

A baby is singly the biggest commitment and responsibility any of us will ever make, so I am not sure why you are downgrading the sheer relentless effort that is required for decades and decades unless you have had an easy ride with others doing the hard slog.

With the exception of teenagers that had issues long before they had a baby or got into toxic relationships then I’ve never come across any where the grandma ended up raising the baby. Can imagine could happen if grandparents convinced a young girl she couldn’t cope and insisted on taking over or the young girl brought up with this middle class idea that people are kids till their 30 and so felt an entitlement to some extended care free youth. Some teenagers are very infantilised by their parents these days and end up with no sense of responsibility or confidence to cope in the outside world. However certainly in the circles I mix and work in its very rare for grandma to be taking over the care of baby

I don't think I've ever seen a situation where the grandmother actually raises the baby aside from what you allude to here, but what's a lot more common is the mother expecting and receiving very significant support from her mother that falls short of actually raising. So I do know quite a few situations where the grandmother is working full time, raising other children and expected to have the grandchild most of the weekend. Or sometimes dropping hours to do childcare. Basically to do a lot of the actual day to day caring of the child because the mother can't or won't manage to balance that along with work and childcare. This is in a working class rather than middle class area, the impression I've always had is that the middle classes are more likely to have abortions in this situation.

And the sort of support I describe is very significant, despite being nowhere near qualifying as actually raising the child. It has an impact on the wider family and would potentially cause significant strain, not just on the mother's mother either. So I think 'raising' is the wrong standard here.

There definitely needs to be proper adult discussion of options here. The posters saying the daughter's needs and the baby come first are waaaaay jumping the gun, we don't have nearly enough information about the financial situation of the parties for a start. I don't think OP just putting supportive face on and burying his very real and and legitimate concerns is the way forward here. Feelings have a tendency to surface whether you want them to or not.

My cousin got pregnant at 19 whilst still living at home. Her parents made sure she knew exactly what it would entail, she appeared to understand. However I do remember, when then the baby was a month or so old, my cousin got ready, came downstairs and announced she was off for a night out to meet friends, her Mum and Dad then said 'but what about baby, we're off out' grabbed their coats and left. It was a very harsh lesson to learn, but they did it every time she wanted to go out without the baby. They did occasionally help out with childcare, but it was the exception rather than the rule.

@Swayingpalmtrees

So you managed perhaps a little better than most dove largely down to the huge amount of support you had from parents that were young enough, wealthy enough, with space, time and energy to help you. You were in fact very very lucky.

It may have been a different story if your parents lived in an overcrowded house with four children still at home to care for, money was tight and they were both utterly exhausted. Your experience I am guessing would have been very different to the one you describe.

Your parents may have helped you with deposits, baby sitting so you could go to uni and clearly a massive operation to give you a fighting chance in life, but it is supremely naive to believe everyone is in the same position!! Most are not, and they won't find out just how bloody hard it is until it is far too late, and the rose tinted spectacles of motherhood are lying on the floor.

A baby is singly the biggest commitment and responsibility any of us will ever make, so I am not sure why you are downgrading the sheer relentless effort that is required for decades and decades unless you have had an easy ride with others doing the hard slog.

That's a bit unfair. I didn't have an easy ride at all!

My parents are not wealthy. And they didn't pay for uni or deposits. I stayed with them for a year and then moved into a rental cottage and paid my rent myself.

I got a job on supermarket checkouts and put myself through my training and then when I got another job they funded my degree so I could climb higher. I had to pay every penny back to them.

I'm hardly sat here with my silver spoon saying it's easy for everyone. It really bloody isn't! I worked hard and flogged myself to get where I am today.

My point is that it's not a life down the drain if a teenager falls pregnant.

I got a job on supermarket checkouts and put myself through my training and then when I got another job they funded my degree so I could climb higher. I had to pay every penny back to them

So you accept they lent you money, many parents can't do that.
Which gave you a start in life and a lovely cottage to live in.
Who looked after the baby whilst you were at uni/at the supermarket? How was that funded?

Do you not see that you have had an amazing amount of support just with that one paragraph. You were in a very privileged position, not everyone can offer the same, not everyone even wants to.

My point is that it's not a life down the drain if a teenager falls pregnant

Your life didn't fall apart because your parents were able to ensure that it didn't, and helped you enormously to avoid the huge poverty trap that is teenage pregnancy for most people.

The fact you are not acknowledging such privilege and fortune does not reflect well on the maturity you claim to have. IF your parents had not been there to help you every step of the way, where do you think you/the baby and your life chances would be now??
Consider at least for a moment how different it could have been, and then tell me that having a baby at 19 is going to work out for everyone and it does not need to be a life down the drain, because there are thousands of examples that say otherwise. You only have to look at the number of children being taken into care - 89,000 to see many are in fact not coping, regardless of age/best intentions dove

@Swayingpalmtrees

dove it is entirely possible that op's sd will need much more than a year of support, I would say it is most likely she will need at least a few years of hands on support and even after that plenty of money/time/input and help. This is not a small undertaking. The housing situation is very strained in this country, she is not in homeless situation and unlikely to be a priority.

Your stepfather sounds like a lovely man, but without the other stresses and strains that feature in this scenario.

I’ve got grandchildren, grown up children, teenagers and toddlers and have been a young single mother and cannot think why other than in exceptional circumstances a 19 year old step daughter would need years of hands on support? Do other people’s teenagers not even tie their own shoelaces these days??