I want to be supportive but I don't want a baby in the house

[SisterBlis]

My step daughter is pregnant. 14 weeks. Isn't in a relationship.
She wouldn't be able to afford a place on her own. So the only option is for her and the baby to live with us.
I want to be supportive but having a baby in the house doesn't fill me with joy.
We already have a 9, 12, and 13 Yr old. We both have busy full on jobs. Life feels very full on as it is.

Also, it feels very harsh and unsupportive to even think it but, if you can't afford to support a child, should you be bringing one into the world?

I’m lying here in bed with my 6 month old.

I have never been so happy or tired !

I can only imagine how you feel - it is a huge change for your whole family . It will be completely life changing for everyone . If I was in your shoes I can imagine thinking - this isn’t fair ! I’ve had my children and sleepless nights .

I think whilst this will the making of her !
I’d be supportive but set clear boundaries.
With support I believe your SD will flourish . Her baby will give her the desire to work as hard as she can to create a great life for baby.

You will all fall in love with baby and it will bring you all joy ! Sure it will be tiring and hard but it will be amazing .

Just make sure your SD knows she won’t be dodging responsibility as she lives at home ! But that you will support her !

Lastly , ( no offence ) at 19 and with no Job your SD will be entitled to nursery help and some other benefits !

My husband is in his 50s. Our baby has filled him with happiness ! Our step children love the baby all of our family Dote on baby . Babies bring such joy !

Sorry terrible typos

Your SD needs LOVE and support right now

I wouldn’t want to either but I was that young teenage mum 27yrs ago. My mum was furious, but she soon come round and she adores her grandson: always had such a special relationship as we lived there for the first 2yrs. It didn’t stop me making a success of my life. Be supportive as it’s a lonely time when the world is against you and you want to keep your baby

@Tilltheend99, the OP might have the same feelings if it was her own child. She's said that she could be more honest if it was her DD. Have as many children as you want, but to have them knowing that you can't house them, pay for them and do what you need to in life to get an income is totally out of order. I see more and more grandparents raising children or co-parenting and it just isn't fair.

I always hated the phrase 'I didn't want to read and run' but I had to comment here. You say the father is unsupportive and you don't approve, yes you've said you will be there and I'm not telling you to be the new parents of this little baby but do just remember the happier and more relaxed and supportive the environment the easier life will be for the child and the more easygoing, positive, content they will be

I admit I'm quite shocked at the lack of empathy for the 19 year old. Let's assume she didn't plan to get pregnant. Mistakes happen. Maybe she can't bring herself to abort her baby, for whatever reason, and she shouldn't feel under any pressure to do so.

So if your 19 year old found themselves in a surprise and significant situation like this, wouldn't you want to support them and help them through it? Whether it's loss of a job, a relationship, an illness or disability, they are your child. It might be hard for the rest of the family, but life can be like that. When something bad happens to a family member, we don't say 'move out, we don't want to have to deal with this' - you do what you can to support, while helping them to become independant.

You can't (and don't want to) kick her out. You can't force her to abort her baby. You can only show love, acknowledge this must be a really hard time for her, and encourage her to do all she can to become independent including, when she can afford to, moving out.

Nowhere has the OP said she about an abortion or such like
Just that reasonably she doesn't overly want a baby in the house
Which is understandable as in many houses this means siblings having to move rooms etc to also accommodate a baby
At 19 she should also be thinking of long term and how she will move out eventually , name on the council , estate agents etc , plans for work after baby etc
Its nit the OP and wife responsibility to bring up the baby or provide financially
OP had said they will do all they can but understandable they aren't relishing in it

All the people complaining to the op, just back off. She is perfectly entitled to not want a baby in her him and to be worried about it. The impact it has, the dynamics, the extra financial responsibility.

My eldest daughter has Eubpd and announced her pregnancy two years ago at 23. I barely slept for 8 months worrying and she didn't even live with me. But she struggles to look after herself and her OH is useless so of course I was nervous about how much responsibility would fall to me. We even put off down sizing so there was a spare room at home. I was prepared to take on the baby should she be hospitalised again. Thankfully she is a good mum but despite me telling her I wouldn't be offering childcare I'm still expected to have the baby for 4-8 hours a week (and so are others) and she's just announced a second pregnancy. So now I'm worried all over again. She is coping, but just and is very unrealistic about her future prospects.

@Myboypink, you have somewhere to live and a husband, your circumstances are completely different. Presumably your husband chose to have another and you can afford your baby. That's the difference. Sadly the statistics show that in most cases babies aren't the making of teen mums. Their lives could have been so much better and less of a struggle and sacrifice. Are you a teenager, who hasn't finished her education or worked?

I would support either of my dc or step dc if they needed it. My dsd fell pregnant just before her 18th, it was a shock but she has done amazingly well and eventually got back together with the babies father, they now have another dc. I offered to help her as I would for any of my dc.

Could she not stay through the pregnancy and then try and secure accommodation (through the council) once baby is here?

Op I would feel the way you do.

Having a baby in a house completely changes the dynamics.

I think that all you can do is consider what involvement you want and make this very clear to your spouse and step daughter. It's going to be impossible to have no involvement! But at the same time you can have boundaries ie not be expected to get up in the middle of the night etc that you are comfortable with.

Good luck to all of you.

I think you are actually being overly polite and accommodating because your wife is defensive of her child, and people on MN are very much of an ilk with her and are making getting solid advice on here quite difficult. All this talk of "shocking lack of empathy for her", when you have very obviously been very kind and empathetic towards her throughout your comments...

As much as people on MN act the same as it sounds like your wife does, that doesn't actually make it right. You should not be fearing being kicked out for discussing necessary boundaries around this enormous upheaval that affects not only SD and her mother, but the whole family. It should be expexted that you will do that. By making the decision to have a child whilst still living at home with you and without a job to support herself, your SD is asking an enormous amount from you as a family. She is also choosing to speed up her journey into adulthood and must act accordingly. She must be prepared to take responsibility, act like an adult and respect the people she is expecting to house her.

That means she MUST clean up her bedroom and stop leaving mess around the house, so that she is prepared for her baby to sleep in her room and for the enormous amount of items she will be bringing into the household as a young mother to not create excessive clutter. She must expect to stay on top of that. She must be prepared to discuss a timeframe with you for becoming self sufficient - job hunting alongside childcare (including how much, if any, she can expect from you/her mum), house hunting, claiming the right benefits, claiming maintenance from the child's father.

None of these things should be swept under the carpet because it's deemed mean to expect her to take responsibility for her decision to become a mother, or because people are defensive about the fact that she isn't your biological daughter. These things should be sorted out even if she was your daughter. She is asking a great deal from the family indeed.

As a previous poster has highlighted, it would seem that the OPs wife and SDD are allowed to make decisions about this major life change but the OP has no agency in the matter. This to me is the elephant in the room.

The OP may find the situation untenable, they may sadly decide to leave their relationship, the house be sold and they go their separate ways. All because the wife has not allowed any input from her husband because of the mantra that her DD comes first and what she wants she gets.

I believe that especially as the daughter is an adult, there should be a discussion where all family members feelings are taken into account.
This situation will definitely cause major upheaval practically and financially, and it sounds like the OP is expected to just suck up the fall out.

I certainly would like to think I had some say in how the situation should be managed in my own home.

I really sympathise op, it will mean a huge change for the entire family and I would feel exactly the same. I’ve done the baby years and don’t want to do it again!

If she does want to keep the baby then for me, there’s no choice but to support her. Raising a child will be challenging enough, but I couldn’t see my daughter struggle whilst I carried on my comfortable life. I would have to have her at home in a safe and secure environment, where I could support her, as long as that’s what she wanted.

And I didn't think about it but as someone said babies do amazing jobs in bringing people closer. So that could be great

Lol. If only that were true. If she's old enough to have a baby she's old enough to be independent and look after it herself.

@myceliumama, when my DD got pregnant with her second, she was angry that we wasn't enthusiastic. She came to realise how difficult a second makes things. I'm the one who has to sit with one, while she's done hospital/doctor etc runs. She often now complains that she can't go to the gym, do things her peer group does, follow the interests that she developed mid 20's. But that's the reality for most mum's when younger without a fully co-parenting partner. I've had to set my limits on how much I have them. My eldest has them overnight as well. She didn't like her new job, but tough, I was starting to get resentful of how much money I had to help out with. I'm talking summer wardrobes, uniforms and top up on gas/electric, as well as half on holidays etc.

I agree, at nineteen she will have no idea at all what she is committing herself too. Straight talking is absolutely needed without rose tinted glasses. No one 'wants' an abortion but honestly the impact this will have on her life is absolutely huge. Her mother needs to step in and be completely frank about the consequences.

The idea that everyone has to fit in, because sd has decided to have the baby is also rather naive. It could put a massive strain on ops' marriage, and quite frankly this needs to be discussed openly and honestly now. Being railroaded into raising sd's baby is unfair on op and her dw in an already very crowded house. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all op.

I am in my very late forties and I could not do this. I don't have the energy, enthusiasm or wish to do the baby years again. The thought makes my blood run cold.
There is a point in life when we reach our limit, that we just want some peace, order and ease - and I don't blame op for feeling that all hope of that has now been shattered. I would go as far as to say I would be questioning my future with her, dw and sd are calling all the shots and making the decisions and op has a total lack of autonomy.

@TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo

I'm really shocked by some of the opinions on this post.

I fell pregnant at 19. I was immature and pretty useless. That baby who is about to turn 18 was the absolute making of me.

My amazing stepdad was the first person who knew I was pregnant. I had slept through most of Christmas and he took me aside to ask if I could be pregnant. I had already split with baby's dad and had not even considered I could be. He went to the chemist the day after Boxing Day and waited outside the bathroom while I did the test.

When I told him it was positive he held me by the shoulders and told me he would support me in any decision and we had best go tell my mum!

I lived at home for the first year and then moved to a rented home.

I will never ever forget the level of support he gave to me. He was better than my bio dad (who had a massive tantrum because he was "too young" to be a grandad)

Be that stepdad OP. Your sad needs live and support right now. She is scared, confused and doesn't know what to do. You need to step up.

How lovely your stepdad sounds Dove OP, of course babies cause disruption, but I know three women who had babies as teenagers (17-19) and all of them say it made them grow up quickly, and was the making of them. Nineteen is young but on the plus side she will have more physical resilience and energy, and may only need a year or two of support from you and her mother before moving out. She may be naive about what it all involves, although as an older sibling she is used to babies, but I don’t think anyone really understands what a baby does to your life until you have one. I was 41 having my first and when she was a few weeks old and asleep, out of habit I put my coat on and got the dog ready to go out and get the paper, I got to the door before I realised I couldn’t! She will learn to be a mother just like all of us do, whatever our age. Once a baby is with your family you will all love it and that makes everything easier to cope with. I wish all of you the best of luck.

I wouldn't be overjoyed either. I'd be honest with your partner about the level of involvement you are happy with. You initially sounded like you weren't at all keen to parent again but in later posts sound happy to 'help'. So what does that help entail in your eyes? Who will buy the stuff that baby needs? Are you intending on sterilising bottles, giving feeds, changing nappies, giving baths, buying baby food or formula? Will you wake with the baby at night, early morning so sd can go back to bed, will you take care of navy in the evenings if she wants to go out? If your wife looks at reducing her working hours to help her child how does that if at all impact your family finances? Would it mean you are taking on the bulk of financing the family and are you OK with that? In my opinion there is a lot to discuss before you go in blindly offering 'help'.

*baby not navy even.

I couldn't do it. If she is old enough to be having sex, she is old enough to deal with the consequences.

@Clymene

If you don't want the baby, have nothing to do with the baby. It's her baby, not yours. You don't have to help in any way

This. She wants the baby she takes care of the baby.

It's interesting reading this. When I was 17, I got pregnant unexpectedly. I was living with my mum and stepdad at the time and the consensus was for me to have an abortion, partly because my stepdad didn't want to cope with a crying baby. With various other factors I did have a termination but I didn't want to do so and have regretted it since.

Years later, I don't know if I would've coped by myself, how I would've coped with a baby in my parents house for a short while etc. But I do know (and my mum knows this) that I don't forgive her for her lack of support over this and my stepdad, who was difficult enough at the best of times anyway.

I think in your situation it's slightly different as your stepdaughter is 19 and she can and should move out if she's able to.

As some others have said, financial support, in the form of rent/deposit/guarantor might be the best thing here.

OP,

I can well understand your frustration.

Some of the responses here are so utterly deluded.

Of course this is going to be a massive transition for your family and you have every right not to want to go back to the baby stage under your roof.

Perhaps you will be lucky and your SD will suddenly morph into a responsible mother at 19, or she could just expect you all to suck it up and step in and become default parents.

For every happy ending their are also many, many parents who ended up raising their grandchild, while the young mum's want to carry on with the socialising that people her age should be doing.

It is very hard to remain separate when you see a young mum not engaging.

Will she expect on tap babysitting from you all?

I think you need to have a VERY frank conversation with your wife away from home, on what she thinks is going to happen.

The idea that you have no say in a house that you share is not acceptable.

The idea that your wife thinks you have to just suck it up, is not acceptable.

I think a VERY frank conversation needs to be had with your SD by her mother laying out some boundaries.
You also need to be part of the conversation.

If you contribute to the cost of the house, you should have a say.

A new baby WILL change the dynamic of the house.
Your young teens may love it, they also may not.
Nothing is a given here.

Resentment is a huge possibility here if you can't speak frankly.

The idea that your wife can assume the baby will stay in your home without so much as a conversation with how you feel would make me think that you do not have a very healthy relationship at all.

In your place I would be very pissed off not to be consulted.