I want to be supportive but I don't want a baby in the house

[SisterBlis]

My step daughter is pregnant. 14 weeks. Isn't in a relationship.
She wouldn't be able to afford a place on her own. So the only option is for her and the baby to live with us.
I want to be supportive but having a baby in the house doesn't fill me with joy.
We already have a 9, 12, and 13 Yr old. We both have busy full on jobs. Life feels very full on as it is.

Also, it feels very harsh and unsupportive to even think it but, if you can't afford to support a child, should you be bringing one into the world?

How is she going to afford a house/life/ and have a job without years of hands on support given her lack of qualifications Autumn?

@Swayingpalmtrees

I got a job on supermarket checkouts and put myself through my training and then when I got another job they funded my degree so I could climb higher. I had to pay every penny back to them

So you accept they lent you money, many parents can't do that.
Which gave you a start in life and a lovely cottage to live in.
Who looked after the baby whilst you were at uni/at the supermarket? How was that funded?

Do you not see that you have had an amazing amount of support just with that one paragraph. You were in a very privileged position, not everyone can offer the same, not everyone even wants to.

My point is that it's not a life down the drain if a teenager falls pregnant

Your life didn't fall apart because your parents were able to ensure that it didn't, and helped you enormously to avoid the huge poverty trap that is teenage pregnancy for most people.

The fact you are not acknowledging such privilege and fortune does not reflect well on the maturity you claim to have. IF your parents had not been there to help you every step of the way, where do you think you/the baby and your life chances would be now??
Consider at least for a moment how different it could have been, and then tell me that having a baby at 19 is going to work out for everyone and it does not need to be a life down the drain, because there are thousands of examples that say otherwise. You only have to look at the number of children being taken into care - 89,000 to see many are in fact not coping, regardless of age/best intentions dove

Sorry I wasn't clear enough there.

My parents didn't fund my degree. My employer did with a repayment plan. Should have made that more clear sorry.

My children were at nursery/school and I worked full time and studied on weekends and evenings while they were in bed. My now DH took them out on a weekend when I needed to work in the library or in peace at home.

@Swayingpalmtrees

I got a job on supermarket checkouts and put myself through my training and then when I got another job they funded my degree so I could climb higher. I had to pay every penny back to them

So you accept they lent you money, many parents can't do that.
Which gave you a start in life and a lovely cottage to live in.
Who looked after the baby whilst you were at uni/at the supermarket? How was that funded?

Do you not see that you have had an amazing amount of support just with that one paragraph. You were in a very privileged position, not everyone can offer the same, not everyone even wants to.

My point is that it's not a life down the drain if a teenager falls pregnant

Your life didn't fall apart because your parents were able to ensure that it didn't, and helped you enormously to avoid the huge poverty trap that is teenage pregnancy for most people.

The fact you are not acknowledging such privilege and fortune does not reflect well on the maturity you claim to have. IF your parents had not been there to help you every step of the way, where do you think you/the baby and your life chances would be now??
Consider at least for a moment how different it could have been, and then tell me that having a baby at 19 is going to work out for everyone and it does not need to be a life down the drain, because there are thousands of examples that say otherwise. You only have to look at the number of children being taken into care - 89,000 to see many are in fact not coping, regardless of age/best intentions dove

And my "lovely cottage" was paid for by me. With MY wages.

Horrible situation. I’m afraid you need to support her as much as possible to get on her feet and independent. It sucks though so it’s natural to be pissed about it

I feel like some posters have mistaken this thread for AIBU, rather than relationships. Worth the amount of unpleasantness and judgement on here!

So who looked after the baby whilst you were working? Your parents? How would you have funded a house and childcare with a supermarket job?

I am not taking anything away from your achievements, I am simply saying your lovely parents really helped you, that is how you did it. A year of them taking care of you, helping to find you a place of your own, looking after your baby when needed. Not every teen has access to this level of help and support and struggle terribly on their own.

Regardless of what anyone posts on here, only you will know what it's like to live in that situation. It could be fine, but if three adults, multiple children and a baby is too much then the situation may break down anyhow. You are only responsible for your DC and their wellbeing and if you need to walk away as this doesn't work then that is a better option than living in misery and your DC suffering.

well, dove you did well

My stepdad "gave up" a year in his forties to support a stepdaughter he loved and a grandchild he adores. Hardly destroying his hopes and fucking dreams. He is a much better person than you give him credit for.

I'm not being dramatic. I am outlining some things that don't seem to be hugely out of step with the worries OP and others have articulated. Your step-dad may have been perfectly happy to give you a lot of support. He may have hated it and kept it from you so as not to burst your bubble or any combination of things, varying at times, between the two.

The fact is, your decision had impact on other people who didn't get to choose because you made the decision. Most people on this thread are pointing this out - it isn't a unilateral decision. If the DSD in this case decides to bring a baby into the home, a kid that hasn't yet started secondary school is facing potentially disturbed nights and all the other hassles that come with a baby in the house. And can't say a thing about it unless there is a free and frank family discussion.

Life is all about choices that we make for ourselves, but we should be under no illusions that sometimes these decisions affect others in ways they didn't really want or anticipate. Most people in OPs situation get on with it, but hand on heart how many of them think they are now living their best lives?

I certainly don't think it is a life down the drain, and have at no point said that. but a 19 year old must see how bringing a baby into a house full of people affects the dynamic? (on the other thread there was a pp who said their daughter had promised to do all the care, but refused to get up at night when the baby was crying so the pp took care of it. That is a shit attitude, frankly, and forcing someone to live with decisions they didn't make. If that had been my DD i would have been very sure that it wasn't to happen again)

@Enough4me

Regardless of what anyone posts on here, only you will know what it's like to live in that situation. It could be fine, but if three adults, multiple children and a baby is too much then the situation may break down anyhow. You are only responsible for your DC and their wellbeing and if you need to walk away as this doesn't work then that is a better option than living in misery and your DC suffering.

This is what I think too.

Adding a baby to the current situation is a lot. It's going to be a lot even if DSD is very mature and steps up to the plate, and it could be much more than a lot if she doesn't. There has to be proper discussion of all this, because putting a brave face on a difficult situation sometimes only goes so far. That's going to require everyone involved understanding what a big undertaking this is.

It is not about judgement. Age to me is an irrelevance, it is the capacity and ability of the person creating a new life and how they will manage. You can be 19 or 49 and still run into problems, but you may be better equipped after a life time of work, savings, a home etc to cope.

I am not against teen pregnancy of course not, but the impact on those around you need to be factored in. As well as an honest conversation about expectations. A plan for the future that is agreed by all parties, so no one is left literally holding a baby they didn't ask for or anticipate.

@Ponoka7

@Myboypink, you have somewhere to live and a husband, your circumstances are completely different. Presumably your husband chose to have another and you can afford your baby. That's the difference. Sadly the statistics show that in most cases babies aren't the making of teen mums. Their lives could have been so much better and less of a struggle and sacrifice. Are you a teenager, who hasn't finished her education or worked?

So you suggest her family encourage an abortion and potential scar the girl if this not what she wants but feels she has to do?

Or you recommend she gets a council flat and tries to look after a baby alone on her own !

Jesus

This is mumsnet. To support and encourage . I am saying - it will be hard but if the girl has the baby there will be positives !

No I’m not a teen mum. I’m a teacher . I see teen mums and often with out the support of Granny/ Nan/ grandad these girls would have no chance .

No I’m not a teen mum. I’m a teacher . I see teen mums and often with out the support of Granny/ Nan/ grandad these girls would have no chance

i think the point here is that this decision will affect OP's life quite significantly. So i think OP needs to decide what is best for them as well as acknowledging that DSD's mum has a completely different attitude and willingness to give meaningful support. Also for me it would depend on whose children the 9 and 12 year olds are. Are they step-siblings? That may also affect how they see things. How long have they all been living togehter? Is there going to be a change around with rooms so the 19 year old gets the biggest one to enable putting a cot in there? So many questions

@TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo sorry, keep cross posting etc.

I'd be curious to know whether the OP us SM/SD and if the youngest are theirs/DW's or joint.

@SisterBlis if you're still reading... it seems to me that your relationship with your wife is a large part of the problem. It seems like 'her way or the highway'. You previously had a good plan (if you could have afforded that?!) it's a shame DSD has split up with the baby's Dad, I'm surprised, given everything, you don't know why (but one good guess!!).

I think that plan could financially still be doable given the benefits DSD would be entitled to, if you're still willing/able to do what you said.

Obviously though emotionally & practically DSD would be more on her own now. But she's choosing to keep the baby. You & DW get to choose what support you give her, but it should be a joint decision or your DW needs to realise that if she wants to make decisions by herself, you might too and it might not be to stay in the relationship where you get no say over your finances/home life.

She's not the only one with choices.

Who are the actual parents if the younger 3?

@5zeds

You’ve got four children you must have expected grandchildren at some point. Will her dad help at all? What were her plans before the pregnancy? Was she going to continue living with you?

I’ve got 3 children and whilst I expect there may be grandchildren I certainly don’t expect to be housing and supporting them and neither would I be ok with that. Part of being mature enough to have children is being able to make decisions about how you will manage housing and finances. Abdicating that responsibility to Mum makes the point really. She’s not ready or responsible and now it’s someone else’s problem to pick up the pieces. It’s emotional blackmail and grossly unfair on the adults involved.

I agree with muggle this was not the dw decision to make solely and there should have been much more consultation with op about the best way forward. The fact that op could not 'be honest' is a red flag. Being honest is imperative when your life is about to be so heavily impacted.

I would be very worried if my dh decided unilaterally to make decisions of this magnitude without speaking to me first, it would be a joint decision and an agreed plan and we would approach the issue together.

@Swayingpalmtrees

So who looked after the baby whilst you were working? Your parents? How would you have funded a house and childcare with a supermarket job?

I am not taking anything away from your achievements, I am simply saying your lovely parents really helped you, that is how you did it. A year of them taking care of you, helping to find you a place of your own, looking after your baby when needed. Not every teen has access to this level of help and support and struggle terribly on their own.

She went to nursery two full days a week from the age of 11 months and my DM had her one day a week. (Like a lot of grandparents do)

Nursery feels almost bankrupted me on minimum wage but I thankfully got help from child tax credits. Even so it was hand to mouth for a long time. Like most single parents.

And they didn't help me to find a place of my own @Swayingpalmtrees I found it myself.

Love how everyone is piling on saying my lovely parents carried me through this.

Yes my parents are lovely and they have and always help while they can. But they don't have the funds or the resources to simply carry me through those single parent years like so many of you seem to think they did!

@Myboypink

What has this being mumsnet got to do with anything? Does that mean people automatically have to say everything a child does/wants is a good idea? It's a discussion forum, it is not purely for supporting kids specifically.

What people are suggesting is that open conversations should be had about what is expected of her if she lives in their house with the baby, and what she can expect from her mother and step parent, BEFORE she commits to going ahead with having the child, so she can make an informed decision.

You cannot simply say "there will be positives"/ you will love having the GC there. For many, that would only be true IF the SD wasn't falling into the very common and plausible traps of not pulling her weight around the house, leaving others to care for the baby an excessive amount, expecting to stay far beyond the point she could have been trying to get work or benefits that could allow her to support herself and live independently. Which is exactly why discussion around these expectations is essential.

The fact that many teen mum's would be lost without the grandparents is exactly why those grandparents should be able to be frank and honest about how much of themselves they would be willing and able to give, because if their child cannot do it without them then it's obviously going to affect their lives massively, too, which is not a decision that should be made for them. If their child is going ahead with the pregnancy banking on mum/dad providing more support than they are willing or able to give, then yes, they may need to consider a termination, or else reevaluate what they will need to do to support themselves to make it possible.

Obviously in this case mum might feel differently to her partner and choose to do more, but while they are both living in the house, anything that relates to SD and GC living there is something they both need to agree on.

This doesn't make sense to me dove how did you fund rent, bills, clothing, food and pay a nursery for two whole days a week on three days work in a supermarket?
I would love to know, because that to me seems like a total impossibility even 18 years ago so I am not sure I buy it - at all.

If you are a parent or step parent - it doesn’t stop when your child is 18/ 19/20 . I have SC in twenties !!
I’m not preaching but if the young lady wants to keep the baby then you all pull together and you raise the child and support SD until she gets independent!
My child could be 23 and I’d say so long as you respect the boundaries of this house - I’ll support you ! I mean it .
I have moved into my parents ( blood mum and step dad ) when I lost my job at 24 . I paid rent and got back on my feet ! I knew it would step dad up but we are a family !
A 19 year old is a child . She needs all the love and support if she decides to keep the child !

@PinkTonic the dsd IS one of the adults involved. She lives at home she hasn’t asked to hijacker’s their life. She was intending to finish her Alevels and go to university, I’m not sure she’s changed those plans. So realistically OP is looking at 6 months of dsd being pg while she gets her Alevels and then 9 months of tolerating a baby in her Dsd’s room with her till she’s off to university.

I’m not preaching but if the young lady wants to keep the baby then you all pull together and you raise the child and support SD until she gets independent!

If the young lady wants to keep the baby, everyone else should pull together and raise it? Why? Why does someone get to make that decision for other people?

I’m not preaching but if the young lady wants to keep the baby then you all pull together and you raise the child and support SD until she gets independent!

that is fine for you. I have had my babies and i have no intention of having more babies in this house without it being my decision. THAT is the point you're missing.

I'm a few years off retirement, and i had my DCs very late. So theoretically my teenager could do this and I'd have to suck it up? No way.

@thatweirdhippygirl
Your comment makes me proud to be me . I am a good mum and wife. I always put my SC , DC first !
If I was so selfish I’d hate it !
I’m finished on this thread. Just so tragic reading selfish perspectives .
Why have a family if you don’t want others to impact your life !

@Brefugee
So you’d say - your own your own DD! Your problem ! I’m retired ! So don’t expect me to help ! Ahhhhh . Horrendous.