I want to be supportive but I don't want a baby in the house

[SisterBlis]

My step daughter is pregnant. 14 weeks. Isn't in a relationship.
She wouldn't be able to afford a place on her own. So the only option is for her and the baby to live with us.
I want to be supportive but having a baby in the house doesn't fill me with joy.
We already have a 9, 12, and 13 Yr old. We both have busy full on jobs. Life feels very full on as it is.

Also, it feels very harsh and unsupportive to even think it but, if you can't afford to support a child, should you be bringing one into the world?

@Waxonwaxoff0

Can she apply for a council property?

This has been mentioned several times which the OP seems to be ignoring. Maybe they are not in the UK.

Sounds like from the Op’s post that it would be very hard for her sd to find a rental place even with a guarantor.
I’m sorry sounds an awful situation, and you can’t win OP. And for anyone saying it’s not their baby, it’ll be fine you’re massively minimising the impact of baby!

I think you’ve come under a lot of flack on this thread. You sound like you are trying to support her and your wife and just need somewhere safe to vent that isn’t at them.
Rather than letting you, some seem to be reading it as if you are being unfair.
A baby in the house will be a great upheaval, and tiring for everyone. Baby’s wake through the night, and their cries are evolutionarily designed to wake us- so people saying it doesn’t have to impact you are living in cloud cuckoo land.
Can you maybe look at the current house layout? A rejig of bedrooms might help a little- is there one on the end age can have to give a bit more space perhaps?
Maybe whilst it’s early days sit down with her to come up with some ground rules and plan for the future? Get her on a council housing list; or I charged my daughter rent- but just put the money into a savings account for her so at the end of two years she had a pot of money to get her started by herself- she can’t move out yet-but the key work is YET. Maybe if you know that her two year plan is to find something of her own you will find it easier

It will affect the whole house. I would sit down with her and talk about rules and expectations. For example does she know that she'll have to self manage, and no babysitting from the family?

You need to speak to your partner about how future looks to you. Does she want baby there long term. How much help practical and financial is she planning. What were step daughters plans before pregnancy was she studying or working. Did you think she was off to Uni in September etc?
DD needs some urgent benefits and housing advice. She might be able to access via midwife - some specialise in teens or welfare rights type organisation.
There’s no point pretending you are happy with her there if you aren’t. She’s an adult and assuming baby will just live with you isn’t only option.

You will all fall in love with baby and it will bring you all joy ! Sure it will be tiring and hard but it will be amazing

And I didn't think about it but as someone said babies do amazing jobs in bringing people closer. So that could be great

If only. My sibling became a teen parent at a similar age and, quite frankly, all it did was tear the family apart. It's not fair on her siblings to turn their home upside down.

I would be very honest in explaining the cost of having a baby - financially, emotionally, physically. Babies are wonderful, but not at the expense of the rest of the family.

You will all fall in love with baby and it will bring you all joy ! Sure it will be tiring and hard but it will be amazing

I agree this is wishful thinking!

You need to step up

I take real exception to that SirVixofVixHall
Op does not need to do anything - and certainly is under no pressure to 'step up'.

If you and indeed sd wish to press ahead with having a baby then you step up and take the responsibility and not expect everyone else to do the heavy lifting. A pregnancy is not something that lands on you like an illness, there are choices and options. Op's responsibility are to her current children and herself, thats it, the rest if she is able to spare the time/energy and money will be a bonus not an expectation.

I think your own experience has clouded your view somewhat, that and the passage of time. Perhaps your parents have another version of what is like hey?

Let's be honest, a 19 year old is little more than a child themselves. It will go one of two ways - she'll be a really devoted mum, or she's going to be out the front door at every opportunity and leaving Grandma at the helm.

That's what I think I'd want to be prepared for and be able to present a united front on.

A similar thing happened in my house hold a few years ago.

In the house was my dad (50), My step mum (45), My sister (23) Me (20), my step sister (17).

My step sister (17) fell pregnant with no support from the father or from her father.

But it was made clear from the get go that our house is not suitable for a baby to be brought into for a variety of reasons; lack of space, disruption to everyone elses lives due to the poor decision making of the youngest etc.

She was set up (at great expense to DF & DSM) in a small rented property of her own ery near by, furniture provided and things brought for baby. She signed on for benefits and thats what happened.

The point of me posting is that there is other options depending on your situation of course. Your lives for you, your DW and DC dont have to be affected. Of course if the only other option would be that shes homeless that is not what i am suggesting, but it is your house too, its your life too and it shouldnt be a given that because your step daughter has made this choice for her life, that your's will all hae to change aswell.

This is not to the OP as think the family and her step daughter be absolutely fine once they’ve had chance to get their head around the situation. I think the fact most people are missing is that the young lady is an adult and unless she has any other issues she should be able to manage just fine with the responsibility just like young mothers did for years in the times it wasn’t uncommon for women to get married at 18, manage a household without washing machines etc, have their husband’s dinner on the table, manage on a tight budget, a baby a year later etc. She’s been doing her A levels so it doesn’t sound like she’s done teenage tearaway.
Working in the field I would say it’s not the teenagers in her circumstances who generally have the problems, those teenagers were having issues long before they had a baby. She will be entitled to benefits and these days the benefits are much more designed to facilitate studying or being in work so there is no reason why she shouldn’t be able to be independent, establish a career, work etc.
Working in this field I find it’s the older mothers who seem to find motherhood more of a shock and struggle than anyone, even when they live in affluence, have a supportive husband, doting grandparents helping etc they are the ones who seem totally overwhelmed by new motherhood. Teenagers have had a life full of changes whereas 38 year olds having there first baby have usually been used to being in control and life pretty much as it is for the last 15-20 years so usually get on great if there aren’t other complicating issues. I can’t see the point of banging on to her about how difficult this is all going to be, she’ll have her own experience. I’ve been a young and older mother and can understand how older mothers might think gosh if I struggle then how would they cope. With toddlers again now I even look back and think wow how did I cope in such difficult circumstances and look at young family members who are managing wonderfully with responsibility of parenthood and am in awe. However when I was that teenager I was happy and just got in with it, you have so much more energy, less anxiety etc when your that age. The difficulties aren’t actually the sleepless nights etc, they turn out to be other issues later such as the child wondering why their father doesn’t make an effort if he’s not been involved in a their life etc.

Just don’t infantilise her and make sure she’s clear of the level of support your happy to give. There’s no point offering loads of help because assume won’t cope and she accepting it just like older mothers accept their parents regularly babysitting etc and then grumbling about it. Honestly and realistic expectations of any help from the start is much fairer all round.

@Swayingpalmtrees

You need to step up

I take real exception to that SirVixofVixHall
Op does not need to do anything - and certainly is under no pressure to 'step up'.

If you and indeed sd wish to press ahead with having a baby then you step up and take the responsibility and not expect everyone else to do the heavy lifting. A pregnancy is not something that lands on you like an illness, there are choices and options. Op's responsibility are to her current children and herself, thats it, the rest if she is able to spare the time/energy and money will be a bonus not an expectation.

I think your own experience has clouded your view somewhat, that and the passage of time. Perhaps your parents have another version of what is like hey?

Everyone is assuming OP is female when he has already confirmed he is stepdad.

And yes he does need to step up. When he started a relationship with his partner he also started a relationship with her children. Like it or not.

His job is to support and nurture. I get he has an outlet here to air his misgivings but that doesn't stop the very real responsibility he has to support his stepdaughter.

People can be so judgemental of us younger mums but, you know. Some of us step up and are really bloody good at it!! This could be the change she needs. It was for me.

And yes he does need to step up. When he started a relationship with his partner he also started a relationship with her children. Like it or not.

No, he does not. There is no obligation to house adult children and grandchildren, at all. It is not part and parcel of being with someone with children, or having your own. It's a choice and a negotiation to be had. That is the harsh truth you need to understand when choosing to have a baby you aren't able to fully support yourself.

Nobody is judging young parents. If she wants to have a baby and take on that responsibility then more power to her, but it's not anyone else's obligation to take it on for her.

I can't help but notice there are quite a few comments from people who were pregnant whilst in their teens and living at home themselves, saying that parents/step parents "have to" step up. A very convenient way of looking at the situation purely from the angle that benefits them.

I really don't understand why the OP is getting a hard time. They haven't at any point said they want to kick SD & baby out, quite the opposite

I totally get you OP, I have a 19 yo DD & I'd have exactly the same reservations if she came home & told me she was going to be a mum. They are at an age where they are often planning to leave the nest & then bam, not only are they staying put, they are adding another small human into the mix, which ofc changes the dynamics of the house & the worry that your wife & you too will end up picking up the slack if the SD can't cope.

I agree with others that expectations need to be discussed & agreed & that the aim is the SD stands on her own 2 feet & moves out with her baby in a timely manner.

That said, how does your DW feel about her coming grand child, is she thrilled & looking forward to being a very hands on GM, or does she share your reservations. Obviously she has a say too

Well, you have two options. One is to have your stepdaughter and the baby living with you, and the other is to have them not living with you. If chucking them out isn't acceptable, then you don't have much option but to live with this situation. You definitely need to set expectations about childcare and also make sure that your stepdaughter is set on the path to independence as soon as possible - support her with accessing any help she's entitled to, finding out about housing etc, helping her set budgets etc. But it is what it is.

@TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo that's absolute BS he never signed up to be Burdened with another adults screw up.

This adult wants to play at being an adult they can enjoy adult responsibilities

@BoodleBug51

Let's be honest, a 19 year old is little more than a child themselves. It will go one of two ways - she'll be a really devoted mum, or she's going to be out the front door at every opportunity and leaving Grandma at the helm.

That's what I think I'd want to be prepared for and be able to present a united front on.

A 19 year old isn’t a child though, mine works full time, drives and has her own house. We’re quite happy to give full responsibility for the care and education of our 4 year olds to a 21 year old teacher, also caring for 29 other 4-5 year olds. Our babies to an 18 year old for 50 hours a week. Our critically ill relative to a 21 year old nurse in ITU, so why when it comes to having a baby is a 19 year old suddenly considered a child again??

[quote AskingforaBaskin]@TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo that's absolute BS he never signed up to be Burdened with another adults screw up.

This adult wants to play at being an adult they can enjoy adult responsibilities [/quote]
Wow. You sound lovely. I sincerely hope you don't have children who may need your support one day.

Clymene - 'It's the OP's home and now a tiny baby is going to be brought into it without anyone else's agreement'

It's the daughter's home and the daughter's MOTHER - did the daughter get a say when her mother moved OP into their lives?

Did she get a say when her mother either birthed the 2 youngest or moved them into their lives and home?

honestly, what an utterly ridiculous argument... no one gets a say in someone else's relationship or childbearing regardless of if they are a parent, child, friend, step-parent, or anyone else and no one needs agreement or permission to live their own life.

If OP doesn't like it he/she can move out because the daughter's genuine need for her mother's assistance comes WAY before a partner's sense of selfish entitlement.

I've got a second hand story here from an ex-colleague of mine.

Her middle child (son) (just turned 20) was going out with a woman who was 18 and suddenly she got pregnant, my colleague thought at first she'd trapped her son. I think my colleague was in her late 40s at this point. It was going to be her first grandchild. Her son worked but had had an injury for which he was going to be getting compensation for. She allowed son and his GF to live with her in their house - with the stepdad and apparently it worked well. My colleague didn't work on Fridays and worked fairly near the office.

She didn't tell me a huge amount about what went on - but did say that it changes the dynamic when you have another baby and the mother living in your house and have to be careful that you don't interfere, are an on tap babysitter etc.

The couple didn't stay together (unsurprisingly) and both of them have gone onto other relationships and the mother has retrained and in a good job.

@Tilltheend99

I think it’s not about the teenagers actions at all. Grown adults shouldn’t remarry and start second families if they are not prepared to treat the step children as if they were their own

Hahaha. Generally step iatents aren't 'allowed' to treat their SC 'as their own'. It would be a damn site easier if they were!!

@mam0918

Clymene - 'It's the OP's home and now a tiny baby is going to be brought into it without anyone else's agreement'

It's the daughter's home and the daughter's MOTHER - did the daughter get a say when her mother moved OP into their lives?

Did she get a say when her mother either birthed the 2 youngest or moved them into their lives and home?

honestly, what an utterly ridiculous argument... no one gets a say in someone else's relationship or childbearing regardless of if they are a parent, child, friend, step-parent, or anyone else and no one needs agreement or permission to live their own life.

If OP doesn't like it he/she can move out because the daughter's genuine need for her mother's assistance comes WAY before a partner's sense of selfish entitlement.

This with pregnant bells on!!!

@mam0918

Clymene - 'It's the OP's home and now a tiny baby is going to be brought into it without anyone else's agreement'

It's the daughter's home and the daughter's MOTHER - did the daughter get a say when her mother moved OP into their lives?

Did she get a say when her mother either birthed the 2 youngest or moved them into their lives and home?

honestly, what an utterly ridiculous argument... no one gets a say in someone else's relationship or childbearing regardless of if they are a parent, child, friend, step-parent, or anyone else and no one needs agreement or permission to live their own life.

If OP doesn't like it he/she can move out because the daughter's genuine need for her mother's assistance comes WAY before a partner's sense of selfish entitlement.

Are you OPs wife?

All adults in the house get a say in what happens in that house. Housing underage children is a given but housing adult children and grandchildren is not. That's all perfectly normal, the mum and SD should expect to have to discuss this rather than respond with this ridiculous level of defensiveness.

And let's not forget there are younger children who are actually still minors who need to be considered. Their needs may come WAY before the mother and SDs selfish desire to have her stay there as an adult with no discussion put in as to what that will entail and how the impact on other household members can be managed.

@aSofaNearYou

And yes he does need to step up. When he started a relationship with his partner he also started a relationship with her children. Like it or not.

No, he does not. There is no obligation to house adult children and grandchildren, at all. It is not part and parcel of being with someone with children, or having your own. It's a choice and a negotiation to be had. That is the harsh truth you need to understand when choosing to have a baby you aren't able to fully support yourself.

Nobody is judging young parents. If she wants to have a baby and take on that responsibility then more power to her, but it's not anyone else's obligation to take it on for her.

I can't help but notice there are quite a few comments from people who were pregnant whilst in their teens and living at home themselves, saying that parents/step parents "have to" step up. A very convenient way of looking at the situation purely from the angle that benefits them.

I was a young mother myself and I totally agree with you, they don’t have any obligation and the last thing they should be doing is infantilising her and making her think she wont manage or even worse throwing support at her/making her dependent but secretly resenting her for it. Just being there with a bit of moral support and guidance like you would for any other teenager leaving home and older adult child having their first baby, that is plenty enough.

If OP doesn't like it he/she can move out because the daughter's genuine need for her mother's assistance comes WAY before a partner's sense of selfish entitlement

It is not selfish to want some kind of control over your own life.
It is not selfish to feel you are already overcommitted and overstretched looking after your own children.

What IS selfish is getting pregnant with no job, partner or plan at 19 and expecting everyone else to fall over themselves to pick up the pieces for the next eighteen years!