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Original poster

Boyfriends daughter making him choose me or her

176 replies

blackvodka123vodka · 28/03/2022 16:17

I have been seeing my boyfriend for 2 1/4 years now, we are both going through divorce. We don’t live together He has met my kids since start but they are bit older 16,18&21 & get on well with him. He has his kids every other week & his a fab dad to his Austin son 14 & daughter 12. Their mother is very twisted & turns everything to suit herself including the kids not wanting to meet me (even though they had been separated 4 years when we met). My partner asked me to his nieces wedding in Cyprus in May which I was looking forward to going to to meet all the family with his kids. I got to meet his son aged 14 briefly few weeks ago in preparation but the daughter who is a spoilt madam aged 12 has now told her dad he must choice between taking me or her . Initially he said she may stay at home then as he wanted me there but now she is refusing to come stay with him til he changes his mind & the mum is not helping matters . He now has said Perphas it’s best I don’t go or no one goes but it is is niece . I don’t know what do do- should I just stay at home & tell him to take the kids giving in to the little madam or if my boyfriend gives in to her , maybe I should move on if she’s never going to allow us to be together happily.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 28/03/2022 16:21

Sounds like you're onto a hiding to nothing. Can you honestly see any improvement in the situation?

Shakirasma · 28/03/2022 16:23

Do them all a favour and leave him to it. You haven't even met his dd yet but you're calling her a little madam. Its perfectly understandable that she doesnt want her cousin's wedding abroad to be the place she is forced to spend time with you.

Shes 12, shes nervous and insecure about you and your response is to get snotty about it? That's out of order on your part.

And of course her dad should choose her over you. Always!

CheshireChat · 28/03/2022 16:24

The way you talk about a 12yo girl is horrible, regardless of her behaviour right now she's stuck in between her dad, mum and you.

And it's only recently she's had to deal with you directly so obviously emotions are running high.

Wnikat · 28/03/2022 16:25

Definitely don't go to the wedding. The last thing the bride needs is this drama.

Onlyhonest · 28/03/2022 16:27

You don’t know she’s a little madam as you’ve never met her.

Bellringer · 28/03/2022 16:27

This is her relative not yours? Does she know them, is it suitable for her age? Think you have to suck it up, at least until she's grown or you are more established. It's a nightmare, it's easier when they are adults (not much though)

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 28/03/2022 16:29

I'd not bother with this anymore.

She's a kid. She's got to come first because she's his daughter. That's it, really. Even if you think she's a madam or a brat.

I hope you'd put your kids first before any bloke.

It's tricky but either you can handle it for the next six years or end the relationship.

ninjafoodienovice · 28/03/2022 16:29

You have a DP problem. Fairly normal response from a 12 year old but in any typical family a child doesn't call the shots.
She shouldn't here either but that's for her parent to tackle. It's not her cousins wedding as such it's DP's niece's wedding to which he's taking his family.
The DD shouldn't miss out for being awkward and neither should you have your invitation rescinded. Get him to deal with it and tell his ex to stop stirring

Piper22 · 28/03/2022 16:34

A little madam? You’ve never met her though..

layladomino · 28/03/2022 16:35

That's a horrible way to describe a child, and especially one you haven't met. Also understandable she's feeling a bit possessive of her Dad.

I do think that children shouldn't be allowed to dictate their parents' relationships, but in this case, but in this case I think your choice is either to agree to take things slowly with her (including not going to the wedding) and give it a bit of time, or if you don't want to give it time (or don't think she'll ever change) then leave the relationship.

cherryonthecakes · 28/03/2022 16:38

Don't tell him what to do. If you tell him to either take or ignore her then you are either setting a precedent (she will always do this for future events) or he will blame you when she is angry. Personally I'd leave him to it but he needs to decide whether to tackle this issue head on or never have a serious relationship because his daughter might be angry.

Calandor · 28/03/2022 16:38

Stay home.

She's only 12 and while she shouldn't have said that she's a child. And he just showed her that he'd pick you not her... God how that must have hurt her feelings.

TellySavalashairbrush · 28/03/2022 16:41

She’s a hormonal 12 year old that is fearful of her dad replacing her with someone else (you) if you are prepared to invest patience, empathy and to understand she will always need to come before you then great. If you honestly can’t, it might not be the right relationship for you .

BobHadBitchTits · 28/03/2022 16:43

You come off way worse in this than the 12 year old.

rwalker · 28/03/2022 16:44

Personally I wouldn't go but if I were him I also wouldn't take her .

Flowerbedflora · 28/03/2022 16:44

She's 12 and you and her df expect her to go on holiday/ abroad wedding with a stranger? Perhaps you should have developed a relationship with her first before having expectations and making judgements.

Harlequin1088 · 28/03/2022 16:48

I can’t see any improvement here. I’d drop the boyfriend like a stone personally. Life is too short to be dictated to by a 12-year-old. I get that the girl feels like she’s between a rock and a hard place where her Mum and Dad are concerned so it’s normal that her anger is directed towards you. In a 12-year-old’s mind, it’s a simplistic case of if YOU weren’t around then her life would be better and maybe her parents would get back together. YOU are the problem in her eyes so YOU are the thing that needs to be removed. A 12-year-old doesn’t understand the nuances of adult relationships and won’t be able to grasp that if her Dad wasn’t in a relationship with you then he’d be in a relationship with somebody else. Unfortunately, if you’ve got a situation where nobody (neither Mum nor Dad) is going to sit down and gently explain that to the child, then I’m afraid you’ve got no hope. This week it’ll be the niece’s wedding, next time it’ll be a day out that causes the problem, then it’ll be a row over who does what at Christmas, and so on and so forth until we die. If your partner is just going to bend to the will of a 12-year-old and live his life on her terms not his, regardless of whether it makes him happy or not, then you need to ask yourself if you really want to be a part of that? I’d get out now while you still can.

KirstenBlest · 28/03/2022 16:49

Their mother is very twisted & turns everything to suit herself including the kids not wanting to meet me

Have you any proof that his ex is twisted?

bluebird3 · 28/03/2022 16:50

While I don't think a 12 year old should dictate what her parents do, I'm not sure why your partner or you thought it was a good idea to meet her for the first time at a big family wedding abroad? That clearly was never going to work.

You should pass on the wedding but ask your dp what the plan is. You can't stay on the sidelines forever so he needs to figure out how he is going to approach this situation in the future. Maybe he can take her to family counselling? Or come up with a slow plan to introduce you two and if she refuses to engage that's on her. She should be the one to miss out in the future if she chooses to not attend events you will be at.

RantyAunty · 28/03/2022 16:51

You have a DP problem.

It's been over 6 years and he still isn't divorced. Why?
How did the son act when you met him?
Now the wedding trip drama.

Original poster
blackvodka123vodka · 28/03/2022 16:52

I have not met her as she refuses to do so but she is a disrespectful young madam regardless & has said the most horrible things about me & would regularly scream & use fowl language to her dad with no punishment from her mother. Off course children should always come first & I have raised 2 mannerly young ladies myself & would be horrified if they ever had behaved in that manner to anyone

OP posts:
SummerHouse · 28/03/2022 16:53

Really complicated but I think I would just not go. It's a recipe for disaster. All this drama before you even get there.

It's not really the girl's fault by the sounds of it. She is being enabled to think she can dictate her Dad's life and possibly being encouraged by her mum. What a horrible position to be in.

HellToTheNope · 28/03/2022 16:53

Meeting his child for the first time at a family wedding is just about the most idiotic idea I've ever heard.

2bazookas · 28/03/2022 16:53

Call the little madam's bluff. Tell DP you have decided not to go to Cyprus. Nor will you have any further contact with his daughter at any time.

Now the boot is on the other foot; and it's up to him to deal with little Madam and suffer the consequences of her behaviour.

cherryonthecakes · 28/03/2022 16:53

Why would it be her mum and not her dad to go punished bad language towards him?