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Original poster

Boyfriends daughter making him choose me or her

176 replies

blackvodka123vodka · 28/03/2022 16:17

I have been seeing my boyfriend for 2 1/4 years now, we are both going through divorce. We don’t live together He has met my kids since start but they are bit older 16,18&21 & get on well with him. He has his kids every other week & his a fab dad to his Austin son 14 & daughter 12. Their mother is very twisted & turns everything to suit herself including the kids not wanting to meet me (even though they had been separated 4 years when we met). My partner asked me to his nieces wedding in Cyprus in May which I was looking forward to going to to meet all the family with his kids. I got to meet his son aged 14 briefly few weeks ago in preparation but the daughter who is a spoilt madam aged 12 has now told her dad he must choice between taking me or her . Initially he said she may stay at home then as he wanted me there but now she is refusing to come stay with him til he changes his mind & the mum is not helping matters . He now has said Perphas it’s best I don’t go or no one goes but it is is niece . I don’t know what do do- should I just stay at home & tell him to take the kids giving in to the little madam or if my boyfriend gives in to her , maybe I should move on if she’s never going to allow us to be together happily.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 28/03/2022 18:13

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Hang on.....literally all you know about the girl is what her father has told you. So does he speak negatively about her to you?
This was my first thought too. Why is he telling you all this?
TheGreatATuin · 28/03/2022 18:15

I've not rtft but I would immediately dump anyone who called my 12yo a spoiled little madam for not wanting to go away with someone they'd only met once.
I'd also dump someone who threatened a 12yo with missing their cousin's wedding for not being happy about it.
And that's assuming I hadn't dumped them already for the giant red flag of claiming to have a 'twisted' ex.

Pompom2367 · 28/03/2022 18:17

Op I understand if she is being unreasonable in general to you being in his life that is wrong and he needs to work on that however I agree why she would be uncomfortable going abroad with someone she has only met a couple of times I think it's inappropriate for you to go and you should step down however your partner does need to deal with her disrespectful behaviour towards you both in general but you do seem very angry with her do you think you can move past this and build a good relationship with her in the future she is young and we will make behaviour mistakes when we are young

Patienceisntvirtuous · 28/03/2022 18:20

@HellToTheNope

fowl mouthed comments

Cluck, cluck. 🐔🐔🐔

Came on to say the same Grin
Keepingthingsinteresting · 28/03/2022 18:20

@blackvodka123vodka

Some pretty vile people On this groupchat!! If you have nothing valuable to say at all I would keep your unhelpful opinions to yourself unless you know the full facts
Do you not see the irony of your comments OP, when you’re calling his ex twisted and his 12 year old a madam. You might be hurt, but you’re the adult, so grow up and act like one. Being supportive doesn’t Leah’s mean patting someone on the head and slagging off the “mean girls” , it includes the unpalatable truth and “tough love”. I feel sorry for the poor kid.
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 28/03/2022 18:20

I disagree, your partner is the adult in this situation and he is allowing her to manipulate all of the adults and yes, behave like a spoilt brat. I would not allow DS to get away with that kind of behaviour.
They split up four years ago not yesterday.
Sometimes children need to do as they are told. Pandering to their every whim does not make them stable, happy adults, they need rules and boundaries.

RegardingMary · 28/03/2022 18:21

You're asking us to form an opinion. That's why you posted.
All we've got to form an opinion on is what you tell us.

So far you've called a child a little madam despite the fact you've never met her and all you know about her is what her dad has told you.

Is this the kind of man you want to be with? One who calls little girls names? Who despite apparently raising this girl thinks she's so awful and openly tells you about it.

Kuachui · 28/03/2022 18:25

i think he needs to always choose his daughter over anyone even if she is a little madam or if he loves you. kids should always come first but especially at that age

MuggleMadness · 28/03/2022 18:29

@balalake

I'm not sure you should be considering going to the wedding even if there was not a stroppy 12 year old's feelings involved.
What? Why?

If she's been invited or he's been invited with a +1 WTF shouldn't she go?

As for all the 'the children come first' posters. Their NEEDS come first, but they don't get to dictate everyones lives. You raise entitled, unbearable, adults if you bend to their every whim. In this case the girls parents have been separated for years, if she doesn't want to meet the OP, fine, but then she has to realise she misses out on stuff.

Quitelikeit · 28/03/2022 18:31

Children should not be allowed to dictate the scenario.

If the child doesn’t feel comfortable in your presence then she should miss out.

If the child refuses to see him because she is missing out the right thing would be for her mother to force her to visit her father.

Giving in to a child in this way does not bode at all well for the future.

Fifteentoes · 28/03/2022 18:31

12 year olds are perfectly capable of being offensive little so-and-sos. "Little madam" is hardly the most scathing insult in the world and the OP has clearly said it based on her (albeit indirect) experience.

Yes children come first but that doesn't mean you have to accept anything from them or assume they must be right, or that their way of wanting to deal with a situation trumps yours. It's more often the other way around because we have more knowledge and experience than them. That's why we look after them after all.

"Coming first" means you consider what's best for them, according to your best judgment. Not that you assume they're right or always bow to what they think is best for them.

dfendyr · 28/03/2022 18:32

You seem quite angry op?

ldontWanna · 28/03/2022 18:35

So all this comes from your partner.
Here's the thing. IF everything he says is true, then he's an ineffective parent at best.

More likely is that he has a convenient scapegoat every time he doesn't want to do something or if he does something you disapprove of.

You have a choice , keep back, take it very very easy and slowly,hope for the best , but keep in mind one day this child might be in your house, living with you for a few days a month ,being around your children. How will you cope with that?

Leave now.

TheNameOfTheRoses · 28/03/2022 18:36

@Kuachui

i think he needs to always choose his daughter over anyone even if she is a little madam or if he loves you. kids should always come first but especially at that age
I disagree.

The role of a parent is to parent and educate their child.
That includes the fact that blackmailing and giving ultimatum like this is not ok.

If a child has decided to start a war on their step parent and behave appallingly, the role of a parent is not to indulge that.

This of course doesn’t negate the fact that the child has needs and that those should come first iyswim.

ladydimitrescu · 28/03/2022 18:37

You are a grown woman, she is a 12 year old child. A child you've never even met.
Your DP is stirring the pot. You're throwing your toys out of the pram because you got opinions you don't like.
I suggest you act like the adult here, understand why a 12 year old child is insecure, and doesn't want a woman she's never met on a family event abroad - I wouldn't either.
I'd also dump anyone who spoke about my child the way you do. I'm sure your little angels aren't perfect either op.

ldontWanna · 28/03/2022 18:37

@Quitelikeit

Children should not be allowed to dictate the scenario.

If the child doesn’t feel comfortable in your presence then she should miss out.

If the child refuses to see him because she is missing out the right thing would be for her mother to force her to visit her father.

Giving in to a child in this way does not bode at all well for the future.

Miss out if she's uncomfortable?

Force her to see her father?

Sure. Great advice, if you/OP want that relationship ruined forever and the child fucking off out of his life as soon as no one can "force" her to see her anymore.

Just10moreminutesplease · 28/03/2022 18:41

If someone talked about my child the way you talk about your partner’s daughter, they’d be out of my life.

The idea of a stepparent can be difficult for a child. It’s their parents job to make sure they feel loved and secure enough to build a relationship with this new adult that they had no part in choosing.

Titsflyingsouth · 28/03/2022 18:41

Definitely don't go to the wedding. The last thing the bride needs is this drama.

Absolutely this.

Tobacco · 28/03/2022 18:44

@Holly60

Please do her a favour and leave him. She didn’t ask for her parents to separate, and regardless of how you think she should be able to cope with it, she obviously can’t yet, and if you can’t be sympathetic about that, you need to stay out of her and her dad’s life.

I would never, ever spend another second with someone who called my daughter a little madam. They would be gone.

Agree with this.
TheNameOfTheRoses · 28/03/2022 18:45

@ladydimitrescu but the fact the child is insecure doesn’t allow them to blackmail her parent into doing things their way.
That’s nit what good parenting is.

Good parenting when you are divorced doesn’t mean that children call all the shots. It means you take their pov into account, that you talk to them and their hurt, their insecurities etc… not that you become a Disney parent that says YES to any request or any misbehaviour.

Tobacco · 28/03/2022 18:47

Neither does good parenting involving name calling.

Pumperthepumper · 28/03/2022 18:47

@Just10moreminutesplease

If someone talked about my child the way you talk about your partner’s daughter, they’d be out of my life.

The idea of a stepparent can be difficult for a child. It’s their parents job to make sure they feel loved and secure enough to build a relationship with this new adult that they had no part in choosing.

I agree. And there’s the dark side of this that the OP’s partner has painted this picture of his own daughter to the OP.
ladydimitrescu · 28/03/2022 18:47

@TheNameOfTheRoses it's not blackmail, she's 12 and upset ffs. Don't be so ridiculous.

ladydimitrescu · 28/03/2022 18:49

@Pumperthepumper also agree with pumper here, that he's basically told op that his daughter is awful, and allows her to speak this way about his DD.
It's vile. He's a shitty dad, and op absolutely shouldn't be a stepmum.

Tobacco · 28/03/2022 18:51

@blackvodka123vodka

Your reply on a woman’s forum is quite frankly disgraceful and unhelpful. I thought this group was to help eachother not take someone apart when asking for advice. I suggest you refrain from such insulting comments when you do not have the full facts at hand!
And yet you think it's fine to make insulting comments about a child.
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