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Original poster

Boyfriends daughter making him choose me or her

176 replies

blackvodka123vodka · 28/03/2022 16:17

I have been seeing my boyfriend for 2 1/4 years now, we are both going through divorce. We don’t live together He has met my kids since start but they are bit older 16,18&21 & get on well with him. He has his kids every other week & his a fab dad to his Austin son 14 & daughter 12. Their mother is very twisted & turns everything to suit herself including the kids not wanting to meet me (even though they had been separated 4 years when we met). My partner asked me to his nieces wedding in Cyprus in May which I was looking forward to going to to meet all the family with his kids. I got to meet his son aged 14 briefly few weeks ago in preparation but the daughter who is a spoilt madam aged 12 has now told her dad he must choice between taking me or her . Initially he said she may stay at home then as he wanted me there but now she is refusing to come stay with him til he changes his mind & the mum is not helping matters . He now has said Perphas it’s best I don’t go or no one goes but it is is niece . I don’t know what do do- should I just stay at home & tell him to take the kids giving in to the little madam or if my boyfriend gives in to her , maybe I should move on if she’s never going to allow us to be together happily.

OP posts:
goodnightgrumble · 28/03/2022 21:01

Hi OP
I understand why you are calling her a little madam. Yes she is 12 and you have to be the bigger person but her dad needs to sit and chat with her. He needs to deal with the foul language and regardless of hormones, divorce she still needs to show some respect and have boundaries. This is part of growing up and understanding that you don't always get your own way! I think he should go with the kids but if she continued to misbehave and scream and shout then their has to be some consequences and maybe not take her. Not because it is between you and her but because her behaviour is unacceptable.

Hertsgirl10 · 28/03/2022 21:02

She sounds like a little madam tbh 😂

Hertsgirl10 · 28/03/2022 21:05

@worriedatthistime

Op this is mumsnet and explains clearly why there is a lot of entitled kids about Your dp should of been planning meets a while back if he expected to be all able to go to the wedding His daughter refusing to meet be should be dealing with as she should not be dictating totally how he lived his life , despite what many on here say Really the relationship is doomed if he isn't going to speak to her and put a plan in place for her to at least meet you Personally he should go to the wedding alone
@worriedatthistime

Oh yes for sure, I can’t imagine the little darlings they have at home sometimes.

Narwhalsh · 28/03/2022 21:05

Having been the ‘little madam’ child in this position I obviously empathise so much with her and the way you talk about her is disgusting given you are meant to be the adult.

She’s clearly having a hard time, parents separated (but not divorced so poor kid might be hanging onto hope they might get back together), a girlfriend who gets to spend more time with her dad than she does, pre-teen hormones… cut the girl some slack! Give them some space, she’s a little girl who is still clearly hurting. Otherwise your daughter might choose to cut her dad out of her life and believe me no good can come of that

KimCheese · 28/03/2022 21:14

I'm also curious if you are assuming that it's only the mother that is meant to be parenting here, as that's how it comes across. I think you've been given an idea of their behaviour from your DP and run with it.

From the 'facts' you've given us on this forum, I'd say there's red flags all over this. And in the middle of all these awful adults is a child, who, as a PP has pointed out, is possibly display behaviour to get attention - negative or otherwise, it's still attention from the adults in her life.

I'm also troubled by your comparison between her and your own children - poor kid doesn't stand a chance does she.

I was reflecting on my own experience of this the other day, I remember being so angry with my dad and his gf at that age and for the life of me, I couldn't tell you why. But they were patie and loving and we have a wonderful relationship.

housemaus · 28/03/2022 21:29

He sounds terrible, so do you, and the only person I feel sorry for is the kid who has at least one parent who doesn't know how to parent and is acting accordingly.

Sprucewillis · 28/03/2022 21:33

If this is a 'real' post my advice would be to end this relationship now. You are not ready to be a SM. Making comparisons between yours and his DC is not a healthy start. Name calling is absolutely unacceptable.

The DD is only 12. She can react however she likes to this news, she is a child. Your DP has not allayed any of her fears in the way he has handled this situation. Frankly you are coming off all evil stepmother.

It could very well be years before you have anything approaching a functional relationship, and decades before you have a reasonable one.

Do everyone involved a favour and bow out now.

NeverChange · 28/03/2022 21:34

She is 12 and whether is a foul mouthed little madam or not it's not her fault if she is.

It's most likely the result of bad parenting on both sides rather than anything else.

You can't go to war with a 12 year old. It's unbalanced and it's not something you can ever win.

The problem is your parent and what he tolerates from her. It's how it hands her behaviour with his ex, possibly not easy given how the get on but the 12 year old isn't responsible, he is.

Your attitude isn't helping you on this one. If you had laid out the situation looking for suggestions, empathising with a 12 year old who appears to be struggling with her parents split, they you may have got more helpful responses.

springbreak22 · 28/03/2022 21:36

Surprised this thread hasn't been pulled

ldontWanna · 28/03/2022 21:41

@Hertsgirl10

She sounds like a little madam tbh 😂
She sounds like nothing since this is a (biased) third hand account from the OP, who only knows about it second hand from the father. Who may or may not put his own spin on it.
Walkingalot · 28/03/2022 21:59

This doesn't bode well for any future for you two/three. The daughter has dug her heels in and won't be backing off anytime soon. You can't 'win' as she's a child and you're an adult.
I'd end the relationship. No threats, just do it.

dfendyr · 28/03/2022 22:07

Woah woah woahhhhhhh, you have never met her, but you know all this???

I have not met her as she refuses to do so but she is a disrespectful young madam regardless & has said the most horrible things about me & would regularly scream & use fowl language to her dad with no punishment from her mother

Calphurnia88 · 28/03/2022 22:10

@Hertsgirl10

She sounds like a little madam tbh 😂
How so?

OP hasn't even met the daughter - all we know is what DP has told OP, the detail of which isn't very specific other than DD is 'fowl (ahem) mouthed.'

As a child of divorce I also don't think a family wedding is an appropriate occasion to meet your dad's girlfriend for the first time.

worriedatthistime · 28/03/2022 22:22

@Calphurnia88 that wasn't going o be the first time , they had hoped to do a few meets before
A parent also has a right to be happy and it seems the dp dd has refused to meet for no real reason
She may not want her dad to have a girlfriend but she can't dictate that totally
Also OP may be dyslexic etc so taking the miickry over the way many have on here with fowl/ foal also isn't very kind , so bit double standards
And lets be cleat OP has not called the daughter a madam to her face or even to the dp as far as we know

Ragwort · 28/03/2022 22:27

Just step away from this relationship- surely you can see it's not going to end happily for anyone.

Do you ever read the step parent threads on here?

worriedatthistime · 28/03/2022 22:35

That said this doesn't look like a relationship that can last
Why is your dp telling you nasty things his dd has said about you , I can understand maybe discussing challenging behaviour etc but not telling you any horrible things said as they may of been said in Anger or copied etc
He should of been discussing with his daughter meeting you and correcting her if she spoke badly etc which he doesn't seem to be doing
He needs to work with his daughter on this and get her to see the bigger picture and find out why she doesn't want fo meet you

Sprucewillis · 28/03/2022 22:42

[quote worriedatthistime]@Calphurnia88 that wasn't going o be the first time , they had hoped to do a few meets before
A parent also has a right to be happy and it seems the dp dd has refused to meet for no real reason
She may not want her dad to have a girlfriend but she can't dictate that totally
Also OP may be dyslexic etc so taking the miickry over the way many have on here with fowl/ foal also isn't very kind , so bit double standards
And lets be cleat OP has not called the daughter a madam to her face or even to the dp as far as we know
[/quote]
As far as we know - but she's thinking it and that's toxic

MissNothing1991 · 28/03/2022 22:44

If i heard you call my daughter a spoilt little madam, you'd not only not meet her, but you'd get me on your doorstep. You've not met her, she's 12. And if you talk about her like that I'm not surprised she has no interest in meeting you, nevermind anything else. Disgusting. I'd dump a partner straight off for referring to my girl that way!

ldontWanna · 28/03/2022 22:52

[quote worriedatthistime]@Calphurnia88 that wasn't going o be the first time , they had hoped to do a few meets before
A parent also has a right to be happy and it seems the dp dd has refused to meet for no real reason
She may not want her dad to have a girlfriend but she can't dictate that totally
Also OP may be dyslexic etc so taking the miickry over the way many have on here with fowl/ foal also isn't very kind , so bit double standards
And lets be cleat OP has not called the daughter a madam to her face or even to the dp as far as we know
[/quote]
1.He can be happy without pushing a relationship or even a meet between OP and his DD. Plenty of people manage to keep the two separate for various reasons and still have relationships and be happy.
She's 12, she might still come around despite this pathetic battle of wills which of course only made things worse. Even if she doesn't,as she gets older contact and needs change so it can become doable.

2.Fowl/foal/foul . Just sayin'

NurseBernard · 28/03/2022 23:36

I don’t think the OP is coming back to the thread.

CarbonelCat · 28/03/2022 23:53

I have a 12 year old. She's still very young, a little girl often. She only left primary school last summer. This time last year they were doing country dancing and playing imaginary games.

You're talking about a child, a young girl, with such contempt and bitterness, before you've ever even met her! This child has no real power, and no real say, and has already been through parental separation and animosity. The adults in her life need to be the grown ups, be stable, calm, reasonable and kind, and remember that she is a child.

You come across as very quick to make judgements and unwilling to reconsider. And you very clearly feel no warmth towards this child. It would be better that she didn't meet you, quite obviously.

Chilesstanton · 29/03/2022 00:12

You don’t have a dp problem, dp has a you problem. I hope he ltb.

OakRowan · 29/03/2022 01:50

4 years ago, ah, so the kids should've just gotten over the breakdown of their parents marriage and been more grown up about their dad having a new partner by now, she's a spoilt brat, having that from being 8 years old? Poor kids, I hope they never have to meet you.

Moser85 · 29/03/2022 03:54

@blackvodka123vodka

I have not met her as she refuses to do so but she is a disrespectful young madam regardless & has said the most horrible things about me & would regularly scream & use fowl language to her dad with no punishment from her mother. Off course children should always come first & I have raised 2 mannerly young ladies myself & would be horrified if they ever had behaved in that manner to anyone
Why is it the mothers job to punish her for that and not her dads?

Why are you being so horrible about this child when you have said in your OP Their mother is very twisted & turns everything to suit herself including the kids not wanting to meet me

If it's the mothers fault then why are you blaming the child?

Turningpurple · 29/03/2022 04:24

Why is it the mothers job to punish her for that and not her dads?

I have to agree with this.

@blackvodka123vodka while you have been together just over 2 years, the vast majority has been during a pandemic.

That has loads of impacts. Loads of relationships that started just before or in the pandemic, aren't surviving in normal life. Because it's wasn't normal life.

You will have spent less time together than you would have done outside a pandemic. He may not have seen his kids as much. Its much easier to to feed you the 'Oh I am victim of my ex' when you aren't spending time together. It's easier for him to write off his poor parenting, when you aren't spending loads of time together.

I do think that people who have oblt been together for the pandemic don't know each other as well as they would after 2 years in normal time.

It sounds like, you are slowly starting to see the situation for what it is. You are at the stage where you aren't willing to blame him, for his own part. But as you get to know him better, I think you will realise.