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Original poster

Boyfriends daughter making him choose me or her

176 replies

blackvodka123vodka · 28/03/2022 16:17

I have been seeing my boyfriend for 2 1/4 years now, we are both going through divorce. We don’t live together He has met my kids since start but they are bit older 16,18&21 & get on well with him. He has his kids every other week & his a fab dad to his Austin son 14 & daughter 12. Their mother is very twisted & turns everything to suit herself including the kids not wanting to meet me (even though they had been separated 4 years when we met). My partner asked me to his nieces wedding in Cyprus in May which I was looking forward to going to to meet all the family with his kids. I got to meet his son aged 14 briefly few weeks ago in preparation but the daughter who is a spoilt madam aged 12 has now told her dad he must choice between taking me or her . Initially he said she may stay at home then as he wanted me there but now she is refusing to come stay with him til he changes his mind & the mum is not helping matters . He now has said Perphas it’s best I don’t go or no one goes but it is is niece . I don’t know what do do- should I just stay at home & tell him to take the kids giving in to the little madam or if my boyfriend gives in to her , maybe I should move on if she’s never going to allow us to be together happily.

OP posts:
Fifteentoes · 28/03/2022 16:54

I think some of the judgmental comments are a little harsh. And it could be perfectly reasonable to form an opinion that someone is "a little madam" based on their actions and words that you've observed second hand without having met them.

But I also agree with pp that in your position, I'd probably just not go. She's framing it as a choice between her and you but there's a difference: You're an adult, that can ride out this experience in the context of a lifetime of similar ones, take a minor hit now knowing that your relationship with your partner is bigger than that and a resolution can be worked towards even if not immediately. She's a 12-year-old without all that knowledge, experience and perspective, for whom it really does feel as cut-and-dried as that.

I would maybe pass on a message to her saying as she's not comfortable with meeting you in these circumstances, you'll stay back, but it would be nice to meet in whatever circumstances she would prefer. Not in a passive-aggressive way, but just leaving the door open.

CheshireChat · 28/03/2022 16:56

Yeah, definitely step away. Your contempt for a not even teenager is appalling and you haven't even met her.

And there's definitely an undertone of misogyny going through your posts "young madam/ mannerly young ladies/ twisted ex".

Justmuddlingalong · 28/03/2022 16:56

So you're getting all this info from DP?

Original poster
blackvodka123vodka · 28/03/2022 16:57

She has known about me from day 1 more or less but we agreed we would not push our relationship on the child to meet until it got to a serious point of commitment for us both. As a mother of 2 girls myself I am very aware of all the elements to consider but believe me her fowl mouthed comments to me and her dad are horrendous and is why I call her a madam - & I was being polite!

OP posts:
Original poster
blackvodka123vodka · 28/03/2022 17:01

We were hoping to arrange a few dates before the wedding obviously not meet in Cyprus for the first time 🙈

OP posts:
Casper001 · 28/03/2022 17:04

@ninjafoodienovice

You have a DP problem. Fairly normal response from a 12 year old but in any typical family a child doesn't call the shots. She shouldn't here either but that's for her parent to tackle. It's not her cousins wedding as such it's DP's niece's wedding to which he's taking his family. The DD shouldn't miss out for being awkward and neither should you have your invitation rescinded. Get him to deal with it and tell his ex to stop stirring
The DP is stuck between a rock and a hard place.
HellToTheNope · 28/03/2022 17:05

fowl mouthed comments

Cluck, cluck. 🐔🐔🐔

UserError012345 · 28/03/2022 17:08

Kids come first. Always.

VeganGod · 28/03/2022 17:08

He thought meeting for the first time at an abroad wedding would be sensible? Wtf?

And the way you refer to her mum and her is disgusting. Maybe she’s heard about you through others and doesn’t want to meet a random woman who is shagging her dad and is nothing to her.

Piggy42 · 28/03/2022 17:08

@CheshireChat

Yeah, definitely step away. Your contempt for a not even teenager is appalling and you haven't even met her.

And there's definitely an undertone of misogyny going through your posts "young madam/ mannerly young ladies/ twisted ex".

Yes. This.
GotBeatenUp · 28/03/2022 17:10

The little madam has a beak?

My ex had a string on unhinged exes, including me.
There was a common link. Him.
I don't know if he beat up the others, but he was a gaslighter, liar and a cheat

sunnypigeon · 28/03/2022 17:13

@Fifteentoes

I think some of the judgmental comments are a little harsh. And it could be perfectly reasonable to form an opinion that someone is "a little madam" based on their actions and words that you've observed second hand without having met them.

But I also agree with pp that in your position, I'd probably just not go. She's framing it as a choice between her and you but there's a difference: You're an adult, that can ride out this experience in the context of a lifetime of similar ones, take a minor hit now knowing that your relationship with your partner is bigger than that and a resolution can be worked towards even if not immediately. She's a 12-year-old without all that knowledge, experience and perspective, for whom it really does feel as cut-and-dried as that.

I would maybe pass on a message to her saying as she's not comfortable with meeting you in these circumstances, you'll stay back, but it would be nice to meet in whatever circumstances she would prefer. Not in a passive-aggressive way, but just leaving the door open.

This! You are not equals - she is 12 and still has a lot to learn about managing emotions. You need to step back. There's worse things than indulging an emotionally fragile child. Resenting her already really isn't a good position to start from, you already think she is at fault, your daughters are better etc etc - I wouldn't want you in my life either if I were her.
balalake · 28/03/2022 17:14

I'm not sure you should be considering going to the wedding even if there was not a stroppy 12 year old's feelings involved.

AngelinaFibres · 28/03/2022 17:15

This relationship is never ever going to work. She doesn't like you and you don't like her and you have never even met. You don't like how she is being parented. It is rapidly descending into a shit storm. This is the point when everyone would normally be on their best behaviour. Walk away Op. Best for you,her and all concerned. Better for the bride whose wedding you are all going to spoil too.

justanoldhack · 28/03/2022 17:16

"little madam"? You sound nice...

EmpressCixi · 28/03/2022 17:19

@Shakirasma

Do them all a favour and leave him to it. You haven't even met his dd yet but you're calling her a little madam. Its perfectly understandable that she doesnt want her cousin's wedding abroad to be the place she is forced to spend time with you.

Shes 12, shes nervous and insecure about you and your response is to get snotty about it? That's out of order on your part.

And of course her dad should choose her over you. Always!

This is my reaction too. Of course the choice should always be children over recent boy/girlfriend. I don’t know how you even can have the heart to try and separate a 12yo girl from her dad. Calling her a “spoilt madam” when you haven’t even met her. Awful.
Dillydollydingdong · 28/03/2022 17:22

You don't really want to go, do you? Going to the wedding of someone you don't know is always going to be awkward, even without the added problem of a child who's kicking off.

Original poster
blackvodka123vodka · 28/03/2022 17:23

Your reply on a woman’s forum is quite frankly disgraceful and unhelpful. I thought this group was to help eachother not take someone apart when asking for advice. I suggest you refrain from such insulting comments when you do not have the full facts at hand!

OP posts:
RegardingMary · 28/03/2022 17:23

You sound vile going on with your 'spoiled madam'.

She's a child, trying to deal with the fact that her parents aren't together and there is some animosity. What she needs is understanding and gentleness. Not your judgements.

It's her family, she should be going to the wedding

LadyLolaRuben · 28/03/2022 17:23

To be away from home and it go wrong stranded there would be a disaster for you. I'd steer clear of the wedding for your own sake. Let them all have their family wedding and enjoy time with your boyfriend before and after the trip

Whiskersonkittens21 · 28/03/2022 17:26

@LadyLolaRuben

To be away from home and it go wrong stranded there would be a disaster for you. I'd steer clear of the wedding for your own sake. Let them all have their family wedding and enjoy time with your boyfriend before and after the trip
I agree with this. If it can't be resolved soon I'd stay home just to avoid the potential for a big bust up abroad.
lunar1 · 28/03/2022 17:27

If you carry on the relationship the 'spoilt little madam' will always be in you life, walk away now for everyone's sake.

m00rfarm · 28/03/2022 17:30

I would tell him to go on his own and take neither of you.

ittakes2 · 28/03/2022 17:31

I think you should give your head a wobble. You’ve not even met this kid yet and you are calling her a madam. You may have been seeing your partner for 2.5 years but you have only just met his son and you have not met his daughter. You can’t expect his kids to magically adapt to you - you are a stranger to them. If you are in this relationship for the long haul then you need to at least respect she will understandably be upset instead of calling her names.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/03/2022 17:32

Hang on.....literally all you know about the girl is what her father has told you. So does he speak negatively about her to you?