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Original poster

Boyfriends daughter making him choose me or her

176 replies

blackvodka123vodka · 28/03/2022 16:17

I have been seeing my boyfriend for 2 1/4 years now, we are both going through divorce. We don’t live together He has met my kids since start but they are bit older 16,18&21 & get on well with him. He has his kids every other week & his a fab dad to his Austin son 14 & daughter 12. Their mother is very twisted & turns everything to suit herself including the kids not wanting to meet me (even though they had been separated 4 years when we met). My partner asked me to his nieces wedding in Cyprus in May which I was looking forward to going to to meet all the family with his kids. I got to meet his son aged 14 briefly few weeks ago in preparation but the daughter who is a spoilt madam aged 12 has now told her dad he must choice between taking me or her . Initially he said she may stay at home then as he wanted me there but now she is refusing to come stay with him til he changes his mind & the mum is not helping matters . He now has said Perphas it’s best I don’t go or no one goes but it is is niece . I don’t know what do do- should I just stay at home & tell him to take the kids giving in to the little madam or if my boyfriend gives in to her , maybe I should move on if she’s never going to allow us to be together happily.

OP posts:
Original poster
blackvodka123vodka · 28/03/2022 17:34

Some pretty vile people
On this groupchat!! If you have nothing valuable to say at all I would keep your unhelpful opinions to yourself unless you know the full facts

OP posts:
Blossom64265 · 28/03/2022 17:36

She is a child and she doesn’t want to go on a trip with some strange woman. Your boyfriend tried to fast forward through months or even years of introductions to traveling together.

Sunnytwobridges · 28/03/2022 17:36

Please let this relationship go. Trust me it will be like this from here on out, I've been there and done that before. It will only get worse, you will always come last as he will always "choose" his daughter over you, so it's best to cut your losses now.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 28/03/2022 17:37

The wedding is the wedding of her cousin. A blood relative.

It’s easy for your Dc to be relaxed and well mannered with you and contact with your DP, they live a stable life with you.

This 12 year old child saw her Dad move out when she was 6, and then spend lots of time with someone else’s kids and another woman. She is stuck between parents who are not helping her deal constructively with the situation.

And then there’s you. Calling her names and entering into a competitive thing with her, snd how superior your D.C. are.

Your DP will be her Dad for a long time. It will not work between you if you are nasty about his kids. Even in thought.

I’m not saying her behaviour is great, it isn’t, but you, an adult, seem to really not be in the state of mind to be a step parent .

So…..

dworky · 28/03/2022 17:38

She can't though, can she?
If he allows himself to be blackmailed by a child then that's on him alone. I would have no interest in someone like that.

Maggit · 28/03/2022 17:38

You're calling a child you've never met some horrible names, OP, but the way you're reacting here shows that you have no manners and are disrespectful.

SoLongAgo · 28/03/2022 17:39

Tbh, if anyone spoke about my children the way you are speaking about his, I'd dump them anyway.

Don't go.

Original poster
blackvodka123vodka · 28/03/2022 17:40

He tells me the facts!

OP posts:
HomeHomeInTheRange · 28/03/2022 17:40

@blackvodka123vodka

Some pretty vile people On this groupchat!! If you have nothing valuable to say at all I would keep your unhelpful opinions to yourself unless you know the full facts
Posters’ opinions, whether you g go and them helpful or not, can only be based on the facts that you have posted Confused
newyearnewwname2022 · 28/03/2022 17:41

“Fowl” Grin

MyBottleOfRibena · 28/03/2022 17:42

@blackvodka123vodka

I have not met her as she refuses to do so but she is a disrespectful young madam regardless & has said the most horrible things about me & would regularly scream & use fowl language to her dad with no punishment from her mother. Off course children should always come first & I have raised 2 mannerly young ladies myself & would be horrified if they ever had behaved in that manner to anyone
Did the little madam call you a chicken or a grebe or something?
NurseBernard · 28/03/2022 17:42

@blackvodka123vodka

Some pretty vile people On this groupchat!! If you have nothing valuable to say at all I would keep your unhelpful opinions to yourself unless you know the full facts
None of us know the ‘full facts’ - we only know your side of the story.

A little bit of self-reflection, @blackvodka123vodka

You are not coming across at all well - and again, all we can go on is what you decide to present to us.

Honestly - this relationship isn’t for you. You can’t go long-term with a man whose daughter you despise. Surely you must see this.

Leave them all to it. There are plenty more fish in the sea.

And it ‘foul’, not ‘fowl’. Fowl means poultry, birds chickens.

Octomore · 28/03/2022 17:44

It's not a good look when a grown adult is happy to slag off a 12 year old that they've never met....

she is a disrespectful young madam regardless & has said the most horrible things about me & would regularly scream & use fowl language to her dad

And you know this how? If you're hearing this from him (which is the only explanation), maybe ask yourself why he's happy to talk about his own child like this. It doesn't reflect well on him at all.

She's a child, probably going through a tough time. The two of you are adults. So grow up.

PennyRoyal · 28/03/2022 17:45

How do you know she has called you vile names? Did your DP "tell tales"? To repeat such things to you is not pleasant.

I think this relationship may not be the one for you.

Iamkmackered1979 · 28/03/2022 17:46

You believe everything he tells you? Perhaps his daughter is foul and a rude because he can’t parent her effectively and lets her do and say what she wants? It’s not all on her mother she has 2 parents. And as someone else pointed out, an absent dad with a new partner since she was quite young.

My 12 year old has his moments but I’ll share my exasperation with people sometimes but he is my son and I don’t bad mouth him to anyone!! He’s also a child, what are we testing our children if we behave like that about and towards them. Don’t use unkind words about children/people - I go by treat others as you wish to be treated - you need to step back and listen to yourself. Step away from this drama and tell bf to parent his child and come back when he’s sorted his life out.

TheNameOfTheRoses · 28/03/2022 17:53

I’d say he should go on his own.

The dd can’t say he has taken the OP to the wedding. But she doesn’t get to go either. Because blackmail should never be seen as ok, regardless of the circumstances. The fact she is feeling left out or whatever is onw thing. But insults and blackmailing aren’t.

Having said that, I think it’s up to your DP to decide what is best.

Turningpurple · 28/03/2022 17:58

Do you not find it weird that you haven't questioned his part in this, his parenting?

But cast him as a victim of 2 females. One who is a literal child.

Despite the fact that he thought a family wedding, abroad, would be a good time for you to meet her. Not great at decisions is he?

Can't believe so many women go along with the 'my new partner is great, his ex and kids are awful. Poor partner' narrative.

coldfeetmama · 28/03/2022 17:59

I'd be very wary of believing all any man tells me regarding his ex and their children

And I'd hate any woman to call my child such names , no matter their behaviour

I'd leave this family to enjoy their wedding in the sun

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/03/2022 18:02

Frankly your boyfriend is the one who has caused all this trouble. His daughter has never met you. So he proposed to force her into your company at a family wedding with all her extended family looking on? Blimey. And the fact that you, having raised two daughters, can't see the problem?

And another problem caused by your boyfriend - "I have not met her as she refuses to do so but she is a disrespectful young madam regardless & has said the most horrible things about me" - having not met her, the only way you could know what she has said about you is if your boyfriend told you. That's known as 'shit-stirring' round these parts. Although, he could also be embroidering it for sympathy, could even be making it all up. Who knows? Not you, for sure.

One of you is a little madam, and I ain't so sure it's her.

Margaretmatcher · 28/03/2022 18:03

dworky. Completely agree with you, plus if he does not pull his daughter up oh her language it look like he is not being a good parent. I would walk away

FairyCakeWings · 28/03/2022 18:07

The way you’re talking about this child is vile. Whatever behaviour she’s displaying, she’s a child. Happy, secure children who feel safe in their families don’t feel the need to behave like ‘disrespectful young madams’.

Is it really that hard to understand why she doesn’t want to welcome her Dads new girlfriend (because that’s all you are to her) on her family holiday?

You are starting with the belief that she should want you in her life just because you exist, but she doesn’t, and tbf, why should she? She didn’t choose this family set up, so it’s up to the adults that did to make it as comfortable as possible for her.

Moodycow78 · 28/03/2022 18:09

My first response would usually be that he's the adult and he should not let her dictate his relationships. If she's not ready to meet you she can stay at home. However, don't want to rude but you don't sound very nice at all. Name calling and the way you talk about a young child who has had her entire life come crashing around her and is trying to navigate her way through it and you show not the slightest bit of empathy for the kid. I don't think you should meet her, you should probably do them all a favour and move on.

Hiddenvoice · 28/03/2022 18:09

I think it’s better for their relationship that you don’t attend the wedding. I know you’ve been with him for a while but she is a child who has clearly had problems understanding her parents separation. You say she’s known about you from the beginning but it hasn’t made it any easier for her to accept. Her mother might have played a part in making her not want to meet you but she’s a child and is entitled to her own opinion.
If she acts out and misbehaves to her dad then that is on him to resolve.
I’d encourage him to spend some well earned time with his children on a mini holiday for his niece’s wedding. The young girl is crying out for attention, she’s trying to communicate thag she’s still not ready for you to be part of her life and that’s okay. These things can take time but let them work on their relationship because it sounds like they need it.

Onlyhonest · 28/03/2022 18:11

I’m also wondering why he has told you all the awful things she has been saying about you. Why would he do that apart from to hurt your feelings?

Holly60 · 28/03/2022 18:12

Please do her a favour and leave him. She didn’t ask for her parents to separate, and regardless of how you think she should be able to cope with it, she obviously can’t yet, and if you can’t be sympathetic about that, you need to stay out of her and her dad’s life.

I would never, ever spend another second with someone who called my daughter a little madam. They would be gone.

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