Boyfriends daughter making him choose me or her

[blackvodka123vodka]

I have been seeing my boyfriend for 2 1/4 years now, we are both going through divorce. We don’t live together He has met my kids since start but they are bit older 16,18&21 & get on well with him. He has his kids every other week & his a fab dad to his Austin son 14 & daughter 12. Their mother is very twisted & turns everything to suit herself including the kids not wanting to meet me (even though they had been separated 4 years when we met). My partner asked me to his nieces wedding in Cyprus in May which I was looking forward to going to to meet all the family with his kids. I got to meet his son aged 14 briefly few weeks ago in preparation but the daughter who is a spoilt madam aged 12 has now told her dad he must choice between taking me or her . Initially he said she may stay at home then as he wanted me there but now she is refusing to come stay with him til he changes his mind & the mum is not helping matters . He now has said Perphas it’s best I don’t go or no one goes but it is is niece . I don’t know what do do- should I just stay at home & tell him to take the kids giving in to the little madam or if my boyfriend gives in to her , maybe I should move on if she’s never going to allow us to be together happily.

The fact is that the people getting married are not your family, they are the daughters family.

YOU don't belong there but she does.

Just because you have had sex with her father for a couple of years doesn't make you part of the family you haven't even met.

The fact you refer to her in such a disrespectful way just makes it sound like she is a young girl with good judgement.

I'm also curious if you are assuming that it's only the mother that is meant to be parenting here, as that's how it comes across.

I agree.

However the girl acts, whatever she does or will do is the fault of your boyfriend just as much as her mum.

If she is as spoilt as you say (although I don’t know how you know that if you’ve never met her) then that’s because your boyfriend has also made her like that.

So maybe instead of blaming a women and child that you don’t know, you look closer to home and realise they’re not the problem it’s the man telling you all things these.

OP can you ask for this threat to be moved to step-parenting topic, you will get better understanding than here, Mumsnet hate stepmothers and yes for your description she is a “little madam”

@Monzeitia

OP can you ask for this threat to be moved to step-parenting topic, you will get better understanding than here, Mumsnet hate stepmothers and yes for your description she is a “little madam”

Some people are cut out to be step- mothers - possibly the hardest job in the world.

I’m not.

Neither are you.

@Monzeitia

OP can you ask for this threat to be moved to step-parenting topic, you will get better understanding than here, Mumsnet hate stepmothers and yes for your description she is a “little madam”

I really hope you are not a SM.

Op would have had different answers if she'd sought advice without all the slagging off and name calling a child she hasn't even met yet, just based on her dad bitching about her and her mother. It's all very toxic and the op wants to be a step mother to this girl she despises. It's not going to work.

@blackvodka123vodka

I have not met her as she refuses to do so but she is a disrespectful young madam regardless & has said the most horrible things about me & would regularly scream & use fowl language to her dad with no punishment from her mother. Off course children should always come first & I have raised 2 mannerly young ladies myself & would be horrified if they ever had behaved in that manner to anyone

You sound like a pretentious Madam yourself op. If you’re so “mannerly” 🙄 why are you referring to a CHILD by name calling? Does your DP know how you refer to his daughter? I suspect if he did, you’d make his decision very easy for him…..

If he has no qualms about passing on all the horrible things his DD has supposedly been saying about you, I'd be wondering g what stuff about me he's been telling her

I'm a step mother, to 3 bonus kids. I also have my own and we are a 'merged family'.

It took time, patience and baby steps. My youngest bonus child is around the same age as the op when we met. I made it clear that her relationship with her father would be unchanged, I made sure they had room for father daughter time, and just gradually moved more into her life. To the point where we now go for days out shopping just us, as we do with all the kids, do family days and have had a number of holidays together.

The fact that the op can speak so disparagingly about this child says everything to me. You don't have the mindset or understanding needed. Also you may brag about manners but show absolutely none. I hope that this post is fake because I dread to think how much damage can be done to this girl.

Its take years to get to where I am with my family, and I have reached a point I adore my bonus kids. They genuinely enrich my lives and I am proud to be part of theirs. That didn't come from threats and insults and a forced week at a family event

@Monzeitia

OP can you ask for this threat to be moved to step-parenting topic, you will get better understanding than here, Mumsnet hate stepmothers and yes for your description she is a “little madam”

The OP is absolutely no way a stepmother in this situation.

She is the father's girlfriend

@Monzeitia

OP can you ask for this threat to be moved to step-parenting topic, you will get better understanding than here, Mumsnet hate stepmothers and yes for your description she is a “little madam”

I disagree strongly. From what I've seen MN is very supportive of stepmothers and recognises that they're often in a difficult and sensitive position. My son's stepmother is amazing. I'm really pleased xH met her and she's in DS's life. The stepmothers who Mumsnet gives a hard time are those few who treat their stepchildren with disdain and as if they are a burden, and I'll fully admit MN has little tolerance there.

The OP has never met the girl she's talking about, so in fact the kid's "little madam" behaviour may be a manipulation, exaggeration or straight-up fabrication from the dad.

I've been in relationships where there have been tensions with a partner's family members. When your partner wants to de-escalate, and wants you to get along with his family and create peace, he does the opposite of this girls' dad: "You'll get along great! You're all great! Of course they'll like you! Of course they will like you later, even if it started a bit awkwardly! I'm sure this conflict will be resolved!" That is the natural way to behave for a decent person, not pouring gasoline on the fire and reporting to you every little bad thing his daughter may say about you (if she even does say them). What does he gain from this? Why does he intentionally create a situation where his new gf doesn't get along with his daughter, why is it beneficial to him to discredit his own daughter? Red flags abound, he sounds manipulative and drama-seeking at best.

@blackvodka123vodka

Some pretty vile people On this groupchat!! If you have nothing valuable to say at all I would keep your unhelpful opinions to yourself unless you know the full facts

Look, there are 2 sides to every story. On here, we only have access to your side so if people are commenting negatively about your words and attitude despite the fact that you've presented things from your perspective then clearly you aren't going to come out smelling of roses.

@ldontWanna
Yes just saying aren't you ok to make fun of people who may be dyslexic isn't it , you had to have a dig
i was saying the OP may be as I understand what its like
You just had to make a horrible little just saying dig didn't you
Prob had be kind all over your social media though

Mmm. Judging by this reply If I were this chap and I knew this was youre attitude to my daughters you would be gone so fast the door knob wouldnt hit your behind.

I hope he dumps you and takes care of his children

No no no. I can guarantee from my own experience that if your DP allows his dd to dictate if you're "allowed" to go somewhere this will only get worse.

His dd is testing her limits and seeing if she can take charge of your place in dps life. If he allows her to do that I promise its pretty much a death kiss for your relationship.

Saying all that. If my partner even considered allowing his child to "permit" me to go somewhere with them I'd be ending the relationship immediately. Not worth the hassle.

Can I give viewpoints from a completely different angle?

I have DC who are older than OP's. They have actively made it extremely difficult for me to have friends of either sex. Any time a male friend phoned they would torrents of abuse and swearing. One time a male friend (now DP) met on of my DC in person and he also was sworn at and spoken to in a dreadful manner. My DC had no respect for me or another adult of similar age to me.

Another side of that is that my DC have chosen partners over the years. There have had violent, drunk, drug taking, criminal and lazy cocklodgers for partners. I have never dared to criticise my DCs' choices. I would not survived it if I tried.

Yet another side, my partner's children are at all times polite and considerate to me. They have accepted me in their father's life and have aid that they are glad that their dad is happy now.

It is mortifying to have "the difficult DC". I wish my DC would just be polite even if distant. They are missing out in my view because we have taken DP's adult DC with us on holidays and weekend breaks but I could not risk a weekend (or more) of my DC swearing and being obnoxious, while his DC are being pleasant.

People really can not let a 12 year old dictate what happens in their parents' lives. I am not letting young adults rule me and DP. It is just not the way things are. Adults make decisions not 12 year olds

@Weirdsituationworries - I could not agree with you less. In this situation the Dad absolutely should let his 12 year old dictate what happens in this situation. Why should she be forced into extended time with someone she doesn't know at her cousin's wedding? The OP is nobody to anybody at the wedding.

@StepAwayFromGoogling You are entitled to your view just as I am.

OP's DP is risking losing a woman he loves (presumably) because a child is throwing a hissy fit. Is DP's DD swearing to keeping her father company for the rest of his life. Having a daughter is very different from having a grown up partner, they are completely different relationships. Is the child's father expected to remain friendless and partnerless for the rest of his life? I don't think it is OP in particular I think any woman involved with that child's father is going to be treated in the same way. Would it be acceptable for the child to be openly rude to and about a parent's friend of the same sex? The child needs to have manners

I agree that a child should not spend time with a stranger in a strange country so introductions should have been made slowly over the last two years. This way it would not be the stressy situation they are facing now.

@Weirdsituationworries your kids sound awful. But they are of an age where they can choose not to spend time with your partner.

As many have said, in the ops case its the dp thata the problem.....if your children are rude and horrible to you from a young age, its your job to enforce consequences.

The ops boyfriend isn't losing tbe woman he loves because of a 12 year old tantrums. If the relationship ends, it's because he has failed to be an effective parent for far too long. But also because op has not tolerance for the child and can not view the situation for what it is and prefers to blame a child and the ex.

As many have said, in the ops case its the dp thata the problem.....if your children are rude and horrible to you from a young age, its your job to enforce consequences.

Which is exactly why the DP shouldn’t just agree with his dd and tell the OP she isn’t welcome anymore to the wedding…..

The idea that a child should ALWAYS come first, that poor child isn’t racy etc… is allowing some children to be rude and become the adult in the relationship, the kne who decides what’s happening.
In another thread, another OP was told it wasn’t ok to ask her dd what she though about her leaving the marriage. She was told that it’s not up to the child to decide whether she should/could leave. The child (at 14yo) should just be told.
But when it comes to have a partner instead, it seems people have no problem to give that same level of power to the child on who the parent can or can’t see.
I don’t think that’s ok. At 12yo, they are still children that need to be parented.

Note that the DP HAS tried to introduce his dd in the last two years. But each time she had a hissy fit and each time he buckled down ‘because she wasn’t ready’ basically doing what some MNtters said is the best. The conclusion is that you have a child who thinks they can tell their parent what to do or not with their private life. And be rude about it too.

@Turningpurple My kids were not like they are now until they met their partners. I would not have allowed them to behave like they do now as children living in my household. I am not impressed with the fact that I am expected to accept their partners while they expect to be rude to any of my friends.
I really hope that the 12 year old realises that her father is a person who is entitled to have friends or even a relationship. Maybe she is too young to understand that people can be parents and people too.

OP does seem to have a bad view of a child she has not met but I can understand why she is upset by the reaction of the child

[quote Weirdsituationworries]@Turningpurple My kids were not like they are now until they met their partners. I would not have allowed them to behave like they do now as children living in my household. I am not impressed with the fact that I am expected to accept their partners while they expect to be rude to any of my friends.
I really hope that the 12 year old realises that her father is a person who is entitled to have friends or even a relationship. Maybe she is too young to understand that people can be parents and people too.

OP does seem to have a bad view of a child she has not met but I can understand why she is upset by the reaction of the child[/quote]
Exactly. That's why my posts separated young adults/adults and actual children.

If you children truly were fine with you having a life when they were kids, then both/all not ok with it when they are adults, it's very unusual. But you can't change that, because they aren't children.

This is an actual child. Its completely different situation with yours. No one is telling you, you need to put your adult children first. You can be as unimpressed as you want. You are taking this very personally, when it's nowhere near the same.

Op needs to be upset that her dp is nor an effective parent. She is upset with the ex and the child and positioning him as a victims.

I have an adult child and an 11 year old. Thinking you can always apply how you deal with an adult child to small child is naive at best.