Partner not understanding why I can't tell my family about her

[Sasani]

Hi, first time poster. I really would like to have outside point of views.

My family is very religious and lives in A very small village in Pakistan. I have been with the woman of my life for 9 years but... I am also a woman! My family already is not happy that "my friend" is black but if they knew she is my partner they would never ever talk to me again. Lucky I am not in Pakistan because they would have killed me.

My partner's family is super cool and understanding. At first she was super she was super understanding too. I told my family we were roommates, but now we bought a house together, whenever my mom comes over she goes to her parents and I pretend I live alone..

I know it must be horrible for her. But I have no choice. She wants to move forward with our future. I will never tell my parents and siblings. My partner says she waited more than enough. She is OK with me not telling them but wants me to go home instead of my parents coming. She told me she will no longer leave the house. I find that very unfair. It's just a month now and then.

We want to get married, however last night we argued like crazy. Dilemma: Either I visit them or she leaves me.

What do you think. Sorry for any mistakes.

I'm sorry you are attracting so many harsh replies op. I presume English is your second language and I think some of your sentences are being over analysed. You express yourself similarly to some of my friends who grew up in Pakistan and nearby countries. I think some of your comments are being taken too literally.

The current situation can't continue and your partner has gone above and beyond. I think most people wouldn't even consider moving out when your mum visits. I don't think you'll meet anyone else who would do that long term, unless you meet a woman who also needs to keep it secret from her family. I would completely let go of the idea that you can carry on as you are now.

It sucks that your family won't accept you are a lesbion. I'm sorry.

Looking at your options, I wouldn't want to give up your partner and potentially move back to Pakistan when your visa expires. Honestly I think you will have an unhappy life there, especially after knowing love and having experienced living authentically. There may be pressure for you to marry a man - I don't know whether you could refuse. I'd rule that option out.

So that leaves staying with your partner and cutting contact with your family, or staying with your partner and occasionally meeting your mum elsewhere. If you are unsure you could initially do the second option and see how it goes.

It may be that your mum will realise something is up but not ask questions. It may be that your mum badgers you to marry a man and grows suspicious. I suppse that will make the decision for you.

It's very very sad that you think your mum won't stand by you if she found out. I'm so sorry. I imagine she does love you, but this is what she's been consistently told is the truth through her whole life. I would definitely definitely not want to have to move back to your rural family area
, get married off to a man, and have a similarly limited life to your mum. Imagine raising your own kids there and watching them struggle.

It's wonderful that you've met your partner, that her family accept you, and that you have an opportunity to stay in France. I would grab that opportunity.

I think you should visit your family. It's really not fair to expect your partner to leave the house everytime they want to come to you. It's not her problem. I don't see why she should facilitate the lie borne of ignorance and discrimination, she's the victim in this. Answered your question, trying not to get into it any deeper, you know what your family will expect of you in due course. All the best OP.

I think it's time to be true to yourself. Your family are the unreasonable ones and you said yourself you can't live like this forever. Bit where is the cut off? It's been a decade. That's a long time. If you know your family will never be accepting of it then I do think you need to go no contact. You said yourself they'd kill you if they found out. I'm sorry but that is not a kind and loving family at all. Or forcing you to have sex with a man. That's rape. I know it's easy for people to say things from the outside but I really think you have to put yourself and your happiness first and that's clearly with your partner.
What happens if you decide to have children? What lie will you tell your parents then?

Your gf is angry and frustrated and is lashing out in anger. She obviously wants to be with you but maintaining the status quo is now too high a price for her to pay.

I personally think your relationship has probably run it’s course because neither of you are willing to pay the high price of staying in the relationship.

You and your gf are between two rocks but I’d urge you to try and understand your partner like she has tried to for the last decade.

I don't care if I never see my dad or my brothers again. It's only my mother I am struggling with

But you've said repeatedly that she'd "tell everyone" if she found out, and that you could be killed

Therefore your mother would be enabling this, so I'm unsure why you'd struggle to cut off someone who'd risk you being murdered

If I leave you, when your visa expires you will have to leave anyway.

I think this is the key to it all. OP, you won't "allow" your partner to leave you because that would mean giving up your chance to stay in the country. But you won't accept that the only way to stay together is for you to either visit your mum elsewhere or break contact altogether.

You want a visa and for everything to carry on as it is, because that suits you just fine.

You've had the only reasonable advice anyone can give you - your girlfriend is 100% right and fair. You have to make a choice.

Op if you think your family would genuinely hurt you if they knew who you really are - please go to a charity for help. There are some that specialise in situations like that. I personally couldn't let my mother into my home if I knew she'd cause me to be hurt as well as being so homophobic.

The bit about your visa expiring and her supposedly blackmailing you over it makes no bloody sense! You are not married and just cohabiting. In France that would not grant you a visa. You seem to take out all of your frustration on your poor partner and are so full of venom. She really deserves better.

@NannyKrampus

The bit about your visa expiring and her supposedly blackmailing you over it makes no bloody sense! You are not married and just cohabiting. In France that would not grant you a visa. You seem to take out all of your frustration on your poor partner and are so full of venom. She really deserves better.

The partner is probably insecure and worried OP 's promises are for a visa . After all, OP just takes ,takes ,takes and has shown no intentions to put her partner first so far. Maybe not the worst thing in the world to remind OP that she has a lot more to lose .

@Sasani

My life is not in danger, no. I am not in the UK but France btw. I don't want my family to disown me. My mom generally comes 4 to 5 times a year. She loves the city and to be away from her duties. She wants me to get married bladibla,she is so proud of me that I managed to buy a house in France. It would break her heart if she knew the truth...

My partner's family is super nice, supported me. So it's not like she spends a month with horrible people. I badly want to get married with her. I love her. The fact that I am a lesbian in a relationship with a woman who's of African origins is the ultimate taboo.

We are both 28 , have good jobs, everything seems so forget. I wish my love could just make a bit of effort to help me with this issue. We managed for nearly 10 years, she never explained why it's suddenly an issue.

Because she's had enough!

She clearly thought that if she gave you time you'd get your priorities sorted.

If your mum visits 4 to 5 times a year, that's 4-5 months she's got to leave her home! Do you not think that's a tad unreasonable?

Time for you to choose.

You want your cake and to eat it.
You want the lovely life with your dp, then ship her off from her home for every other month - for a month!!
You get to meet her for drinks and sex then send her away again.

Can you not imagine how she feels?

You put your needs and wants over hers.

@Puzzledandpissedoff

I don't care if I never see my dad or my brothers again. It's only my mother I am struggling with

But you've said repeatedly that she'd "tell everyone" if she found out, and that you could be killed

Therefore your mother would be enabling this, so I'm unsure why you'd struggle to cut off someone who'd risk you being murdered

Quite. I mean, is your mother so stupid she can barely tie her shoes? If not, then she’d know if telling everyone would get you killed. If she’d still tell everyone happily ‘ so I know you’ll go over there and murder my daughter darling but you need to know… ‘ then you can’t really be choosing to see her so much can you?

@NannyKrampus

The bit about your visa expiring and her supposedly blackmailing you over it makes no bloody sense! You are not married and just cohabiting. In France that would not grant you a visa. You seem to take out all of your frustration on your poor partner and are so full of venom. She really deserves better.

Presumably the visa is currently related to a job and will run out. At which point the Op wants her girlfriend to marry her so she can stay.

To me that is the text of someone who is really really fed up. She is thinking about what life would be for you without her (sounds pretty awful) which means that she is also thinking about life for her without you.

She is probably wondering if you actually love her or if you just want to get residency off her.

Don’t mess this up Op. You love her. She loves you.

But you need to put her first. Or you will lose her.

[quote MamaTutu2]@Sasani you sound awful, you supposedly love this woman but only if she hides her existence and leaves her house for extended periods to make things easier for you.[/quote]
One of the things that really annoys me about Mumsnet is "you sound lovely" "you sound awful" parroted so many times.

Most people (given that there are some weirdos around, mostly known to Mumsnetters) are just ordinary people who sometimes do awful things. It doesn't make them intrinsically awful.

For what it's worth, if this is a genuine thread, I think the partner should dump the OP. This is no way to carry on a life or a relationship.

Going against the grain here, but if I were your partner, I think I'd have gone into this with my eyes open. I would have understood your tie to your family, their beliefs and what that would mean for us and would have given that a lot of thought before progressing the relationship. It was very naive if her not to have seen this coming. Given that, in her shoes, I would compromise. I'd accept we were not going to be out to your family. What I wouldn't accept though is leaving home for a month at a time, so this would definitely need to be sorted. I think her suggestion you visit them, if safe for you to do so, makes the most sense.

@5128gap

Going against the grain here, but if I were your partner, I think I'd have gone into this with my eyes open. I would have understood your tie to your family, their beliefs and what that would mean for us and would have given that a lot of thought before progressing the relationship. It was very naive if her not to have seen this coming. Given that, in her shoes, I would compromise. I'd accept we were not going to be out to your family. What I wouldn't accept though is leaving home for a month at a time, so this would definitely need to be sorted. I think her suggestion you visit them, if safe for you to do so, makes the most sense.

They were 18 when they got together. I doubt many 18 yo fully understand the complexities of a relationship like this and , really think about the future and how it would look like.

@5128gap

Going against the grain here, but if I were your partner, I think I'd have gone into this with my eyes open. I would have understood your tie to your family, their beliefs and what that would mean for us and would have given that a lot of thought before progressing the relationship. It was very naive if her not to have seen this coming. Given that, in her shoes, I would compromise. I'd accept we were not going to be out to your family. What I wouldn't accept though is leaving home for a month at a time, so this would definitely need to be sorted. I think her suggestion you visit them, if safe for you to do so, makes the most sense.

They have been together since they were 18! No one goes into something sensibly thinking carefully about the future when they are 18.

My boyfriend when I was 18 had a long held desire to move to South America. I wanted to stay in the U.K. Relationship lasted a year. We split up. I married Dh and we live in the U.K. He found himself a Brazilian girlfriend and moved to Brazil and married her. No harm, no foul - we had a nice year and then split up. Normal teenage stuff.

The only surprising bit is that the OP and her girlfriend are still together. They must really love each other. As long as the Op can avoid hashing it up they have a good chance of a lovely life together.

You are the one bringing these issues to the relationship so you should be the one to leave the house if you want to see family - not your GF. I'm not surprised after 10 years she's had enough of being your dirty little secret and wants you to make a choice.

All you seem to be able to think about is yourself, you seem totally unable to see it from her point of view - you are putting people who would not accept you for who you are above her, and she has to move out her own house while you see them. I'm amazed you can't see why she would have an issue with that, I wouldn't describe that alone as narcissistic or sociopathic, but it does suggest immaturity or low emotional intelligence.

If this is going to come out at some point because you're not going to marry a man then why not just bring it to a head sooner rather than later? Just tell your mum, if your family disown you then that's their choice, you can't control them. But at least you won't be living a lie. You can only control the things you do to make your relationship flourish, and refusing to live a lie any more will be the best thing for it.

@5128gap

Going against the grain here, but if I were your partner, I think I'd have gone into this with my eyes open. I would have understood your tie to your family, their beliefs and what that would mean for us and would have given that a lot of thought before progressing the relationship. It was very naive if her not to have seen this coming. Given that, in her shoes, I would compromise. I'd accept we were not going to be out to your family. What I wouldn't accept though is leaving home for a month at a time, so this would definitely need to be sorted. I think her suggestion you visit them, if safe for you to do so, makes the most sense.

The Partner hasn't asked the OP to come out to her family though. She has understood that and so far done everything she can to make OP's life easier and support her.

All she is saying is that she isn't leaving her home for nearly half the year anymore (so you've literally just agreed with her whole argument). So either the OP has to meet her mum elsewhere (because the OP doesn't want her mum in the house with Partner - not the other way around) or she cuts contact.

She has been a lot more understanding and supportive than the majority of people would be

Oh OP,
I do feel for you. You are in a pickle. I feel sorry for you that your family will never accept a large piece of your life.

However, gently, you cannot expect your partner to accept less forever. To move out whenever your mum comes, to wait for you to decide that you can marry her provided you are both able to keep it secret. To have your mum look down on her, even as a friend, because she is black. To have the possibility that you might allow yourself to be forced into marrying man hanging over her (forever?!). This last one must be particularly difficult, hence why she is now trying to force your hand and get a stronger commitment from you (ie, clarity that she will be picked over your family).

As you head towards 30, it is unlikely that your mum won't get progressively more insistent on the marriage and babies front. It feels unrealistic to me (and likely your partner) that you can just pull the wool over your mum's eyes and then live normally the rest of the time forever. Your partner had a more normal, no visits, less pretending, existence during the pandemic - you can hardly blame her for being upset at returning to the previous scenario.

If I were you, I'd probably have a last visit with your mum, tell her the truth and then move somewhere else. But I do understand the dilemma for you.

She's put up/been patient with this but she's had enough. Maybe it's the thought of you two getting married has made her think, enough is enough. She's not forcing you to tell them the truth, she's suggest you both 'run' away.
Besides, won't they eventually get suspicious that you haven't married a man? How are you going to deal with that? Invent a fake husband, have a male friend move in when she visits, pretend you have fertility problems when no kids come along?

The culture of your family can be left behind though.

Not if OP loses her right to remain in France.
I don't know what provision there is in France for people who are at risk of harm if they return to their birth country.
I'm surprised by an earlier comment that OP may be in France on a work visa and couldn't be on a family visa - in the UK couples in long term relationships, whether or not they are married are entitled to bring partners to the UK. I would be surprised if France is stricter on immigration than the UK.

OP, what would happen if you told your mother that you do not want to get married, that it does not suit you.
without mentioning anything about being gay.
are there single people in pakistan.
does your mother know that you have bought a house.
what was the plan for you, were you in france to study. what is your immigration status. are your family expecting you to return to pakistan to get married. are you expected to send money back to them. what would they say to you marrying a muslim man in france.
not that i'm suggesting it, just trying to understand the situation.

You need to grow a back bone OP and stand up for your partner who you claim you love. Racism and homophobia are always wrong. Cultural differences do not excuse the appalling behaviour of your mother. From reading your responses I actually think your partner would be better off without you....

@oviraptor21

The culture of your family can be left behind though.

Not if OP loses her right to remain in France.
I don't know what provision there is in France for people who are at risk of harm if they return to their birth country.
I'm surprised by an earlier comment that OP may be in France on a work visa and couldn't be on a family visa - in the UK couples in long term relationships, whether or not they are married are entitled to bring partners to the UK. I would be surprised if France is stricter on immigration than the UK.

That's not the case at all. Even when we were in the EU and the EU tried to faciltate that, many British people were not allowed to have their spouses/ partners come to the UK to live with them. And since leaving the EU, the rights around doing so have been eroded even further.