Partner not understanding why I can't tell my family about her

[Sasani]

Hi, first time poster. I really would like to have outside point of views.

My family is very religious and lives in A very small village in Pakistan. I have been with the woman of my life for 9 years but... I am also a woman! My family already is not happy that "my friend" is black but if they knew she is my partner they would never ever talk to me again. Lucky I am not in Pakistan because they would have killed me.

My partner's family is super cool and understanding. At first she was super she was super understanding too. I told my family we were roommates, but now we bought a house together, whenever my mom comes over she goes to her parents and I pretend I live alone..

I know it must be horrible for her. But I have no choice. She wants to move forward with our future. I will never tell my parents and siblings. My partner says she waited more than enough. She is OK with me not telling them but wants me to go home instead of my parents coming. She told me she will no longer leave the house. I find that very unfair. It's just a month now and then.

We want to get married, however last night we argued like crazy. Dilemma: Either I visit them or she leaves me.

What do you think. Sorry for any mistakes.

Some classic signs of narcissism here:

• every post is me, me, me with no empathy for others.

• making unreasonable demands of someone and then gaslighting them when they push back.

• putting on a show in order to enjoy some level of status (my family are so proud of me owning a house in France - never mind that it's co-owned and your partner has been moving out for nearly half the year).

• jealousy and resentment, to the point that you want to actively hurt another person to make them your 'equal'. Probably not surprising when you value people who are prepared to kill you for being yourself.

• the relationship follows the pattern too; a partner with low self esteem who puts up with being treated like a doormat.

I hope this is the beginning of the partner waking up and getting the hell out of this relationship.

@DirectionToPerfection

Some classic signs of narcissism here:

• every post is me, me, me with no empathy for others.

• making unreasonable demands of someone and then gaslighting them when they push back.

• putting on a show in order to enjoy some level of status (my family are so proud of me owning a house in France - never mind that it's co-owned and your partner has been moving out for nearly half the year).

• jealousy and resentment, to the point that you want to actively hurt another person to make them your 'equal'. Probably not surprising when you value people who are prepared to kill you for being yourself.

• the relationship follows the pattern too; a partner with low self esteem who puts up with being treated like a doormat.

I hope this is the beginning of the partner waking up and getting the hell out of this relationship.

Agreed, I also agree with a previous poster who said she displays sociopathic tendencies. The complete lack of any empathy for her partner is very clear.

I totally understand why you don´t tell them. But I would leave you for that as I don´t think this relationship has legs to go further. I worked with a muslim girl who had been living with a Norwegian for 10 years. Her family were in Morocco, so they lied convincingly. In the end she told her mum, who has to keep the secret for her or she would have been disowned.

@DirectionToPerfection

Some classic signs of narcissism here:

• every post is me, me, me with no empathy for others.

• making unreasonable demands of someone and then gaslighting them when they push back.

• putting on a show in order to enjoy some level of status (my family are so proud of me owning a house in France - never mind that it's co-owned and your partner has been moving out for nearly half the year).

• jealousy and resentment, to the point that you want to actively hurt another person to make them your 'equal'. Probably not surprising when you value people who are prepared to kill you for being yourself.

• the relationship follows the pattern too; a partner with low self esteem who puts up with being treated like a doormat.

I hope this is the beginning of the partner waking up and getting the hell out of this relationship.

Agreed. Expect OP was posting in hopes of getting 'ammunition' to use against the partner. Hopefully the gf is beginning to make her way out of this.

I feel so sorry for your partner. Set her free and end this relationship. Yes she’ll be hurt but she’ll at least have a new chance to find someone who wants the best for her.
As for you: stay single, unless you find a female partner from your culture and then you can disrespect each other equally.

I find it very unfair, she'd still be able to see her relatives, go back on holidays to see her parents and siblings. I would be easier if we started it all over again without family,the both of us

This IS incredibly selfish, so because you have a dysfunctional family. Your partner also has to not see hers because of your jealousy? And to top it off from what you've said they've been more accepting and welcoming than yours ever could. I'm not sure you do love her OP.

At least if nothing else you know to add must be orphaned or entirely selfless when you're next OLD

Oh wow. I am not a "sociopath" or a "narcissistic" person. I would NEVER tell my partner to leave her family. I just found a way to say my true feelings, and that's internet. But never ever will I say that to her in real life. She would tell me to f... off.

No I don't want to make her miserable. That was something I thought about, because I clearly now have no choice and trying to accept that I have to pick her over my family. We talked about it again, and she refuses to change her mind. There is no way I am allowing her to leave me. Yes I love her and want to marry her.

Some posters really don't understand that in my culture family is everything.

My partner does not have a low self-esteem, she texted me some harsh words "It's me or them. If you love me, meet your mom somewhere else or stop any contact with them. You are the lucky one here, away from your country. We could have the life you want or f*ck a man in your country. If I leave you, when your visa expires you will have to leave anyway. So marry me or go back home to your beloved family and marry a man."

How cruel is that? Blackmailing me with nationality and stuff. I am understanding she is unhappy but it is not as easy. She can never know what it feels likes, she has the perfect life with perfect mommy and daddy who are happy she is a lesbian, siblings that ask her advice about women. I am in another world when I am with her family and it doesn't feel right.

Though I love how nice they are to me.

Some posters really don't understand that in my culture family is everything.

But to what detriment? Family is everything as long as you're exactly who they tell you to be, otherwise they'll kill you?

She's had enough OP. She's at the end of her tether. She's angry.

You say family is everything. Do you want this woman to be your family? If you do, you have to choose which family is the most important.

The problem here is not your homophobic racist family. The problem lies in your staggering sense of self entitlement. You want to have it all at the expense of the well-being of the person who loves you for who you are, just as you are. Which your family clearly doesn’t.

Your family won’t change and I highly doubt you will change your outlook on self and the situation. The only chance for a happy life for your partner is if you end this relationship. This would be an act of a selfless love.

In this case it sounds more like an ultimatum rather than blackmail. She's clearly had enough and laid her cards all out for you. I don't envy your difficult position but I understand why she's had enough of hers.

Some posters really don't understand that in my culture family is everything

That is true everywhere even if you don’t see it.

I get your predicament better than most. Trigger warning for the next bit

My equally emotionally and psychologically abusive family scapegoated me for the sexual abuse I experienced at the hands of a family member. It is not pleasant or easy getting out of a toxic family system but it is required of you are going to be a healthy person going forward and if you are going to have healthy relationships going forward.

What you are doing towards your DP is abusive. You are trying to subsume/disregard her needs in order to meet your own needs and those of your family. Your family are emotionally and psychologically abusive and you are continuously trying to get your DP to accept that instead of you moving on from that dynamic.

There are still plenty of families in the UK where your situation would be the same, they are racist, homophobic etc. it isn’t any easier for the children of those families to go against their family grain that it would be for you to do it.

Here we go again...

"Poor me"
"It's so unfair"
"She's in the wrong"
"She has a nice family"

It's quite obvious that you do not love your partner, both by the way you have treated her and the way you speak about her here.

You have some very distorted thinking OP and I honestly think you need professional help in order to get to a healthier place.

Your partner is not being cruel, she is finally standing up for herself and responding to years of bad treatment from you. Good on her.

Another sign of narcissism is being totally unwilling to consider another person's point of view.

There is no way I am allowing her to leave me.

Did you think this through before you wrote it? Because I would find that unbelievably sinister if a partner ever said it of me, and to be honest, it's not making me think that people are wrong about you when they tell you that your behaviour is incredibly selfish.

@Sasani You've not once even referred to how you force her out of her home for 5 months a year, you have ignored all posts about that. So yes, you are narcissistic and displaying sociopathic tendencies. You won't engage on anything anyone brings up, you ignore all our points and don't answer any questions.

There is no way I am allowing her to leave me.

Allow? Allow her to leave you? You are sounding very abusive here.

OP, in the nicest possible way, if in your culture, family is everything, wouldn't your mum feel the same way about you? When your mum comes over next, could you tell her the truth - just her. That you are with your DP, that this is who you really are. That this house is part owned by your DP and you want to marry her.

Your mum might want to keep it from the wider family, but are you so sure she won't want to see you again if she knows who you really are? Are you so certain when faced with it she won't want her dd to be happy?

Some posters really don't understand that in my culture family is everything

Family is everything in my culture. Which means they’re supportive of my decisions and are happy when I’m happy. They would never disown me for my relationship choices. Yet yours would. It sounds like in your culture, religion is everything and family must toe that line.

HangingRock25

Yes I did. I said she AGREED to it. There is no way I could have had my mother in our house when she is there. I also said we still met during those times.

MargosKaftan

My mother would tell everyone

Maybe "Allow" was not the right word, but what I meant is that I will do everything possible to have her stay with me. I don't want to go back to my old life. I find men sexually disgusting.

Maybe "Allow" was not the right word, but what I meant is that I will do everything possible to have her stay with me. I don't want to go back to my old life. I find men sexually disgusting

This is oddly worded. Why would her leaving you mean you’d have to have sex with a man. And you don’t talk about her, her strengths, the reasons you love her and want to be with her. Just that you don’t want her to leave as you don’t want to go back to your old life.

@Sasani

HangingRock25

Yes I did. I said she AGREED to it. There is no way I could have had my mother in our house when she is there. I also said we still met during those times.

MargosKaftan

My mother would tell everyone

Maybe "Allow" was not the right word, but what I meant is that I will do everything possible to have her stay with me. I don't want to go back to my old life. I find men sexually disgusting.

No, you did not. You did not refer to the unfairness of making her leave for almost half a year every single year, when you could have stayed elsewhere instead of having her at your partner's house. And whether she initially agreed (more like felt she had no choice) you shouldn't have taken her up on it, you should have known better than to exploit her good nature like that.

You have never once acknowledged the unfairness of her being the only one to leave her home for almost half a year, every single year. While you live with your mother for almost half a year (another point you ignored).

If your mother would tell everyone then you need to disown your mother and entire family and cut them out of your life forever. That's what you have to do.

OP you’re not as far removed from your culture as you may profess to be.

Your GF has stated quite bluntly what has been said here repeatedly, that’s not cruel that’s reality. You’ve stuck a plaster over it and bodged together ways to not face it but it was never a long term solution and now the time has come you need to face that.

Stop redirecting your anger and resentment that your circumstances are so complicated and painful. It isn’t your girlfriends fault she has different options any more than it’s your fault you don’t. She wants you to join her instead of you dragging her into more pain and secrecy. You have nothing to be envious of, you’re being offered the opportunity to join her.

You love your mother despite everything, of course you do, that’s a bond that is capable of overriding boundaries that wouldn’t be acceptable in any other circumstance. But you don’t love her enough to actually build the kind of life she would approve of and ensure you some kind of safety.

You’re lying to your GF, your mother and yourself. You can’t have everything the way you would like to because the important people you need on board aren’t it. You can choose to commit to one path, choose it wisely because nobody is going to compromise long term and you shouldn’t expect them too.

Some posters really don't understand that in my culture family is everything.

Is it though? You don't tow the line and you'll be murdered or ostracised by your family.

You want your dp to leave her family so you feel better about not seeing yours

Your DP, who you want to marry is made to leave her home and have you deny she exists.

Every post from OP is 'me, me, me', sometimes disguised as understanding how the dp feels but it's not really that at all.

It's not family, it's not religion, it's bigotry hiding behind those things and is excused because 'it's culture'. The same excuses are trotted out so often for all kinds of outdated BS. I'm not saying it can be corrected because that kind of complete overhaul of global culture isn't going to happen overnight but OP can put hers and her DPS life on track.

I think I'd be tempted to go NC with your family, OP.

There are no easy answers. But the way I see things as an outsider with no skin in the game is that you are certain you are a lesbian and you are certain your family will never accept that. You are certain this is the sort of lifestyle that will lead to honour killings back in your family's home country, and you think it's likely your mum can't keep a secret.

You can't go any further in any relationship whilst keeping half-contact and lying all the time. You especially can't have children - you don't say if that's something you want, but it's definitely something that isn't compatible with all the lies right now.

You don't like most of your family. I understand how gut wrenching it would be to lose contact with your DM, but I think I'd continue to keep the secret and cut ties, to keep her safe given she still lives back in your home country. You say family is everything, and I agree - and that's why I'd walk away. For your mum's sake.

I know it doesn't seem fair that your partner gets a loving, supportive family and yours won't accept you, but you can't expect her to cut her family off to help manage your resentment.

Even if you break things off with your partner, it won't change the fact you want to live in a way that your family can't accept. You're going to have to confront this at some point, whether it's whilst you're in relationship with your partner or another woman.

And now she doesn't agree. I agreed to work for my employer indefinitely, it doesn't mean I can never decide it no longer works for me and hand in my notice.

You need to decide. Your mother can't know shout her and she can't keep living like this. So you have a choice. You end the relationship or you cut off your family and move somewhere they can't find you.