Partner not understanding why I can't tell my family about her

[Sasani]

Hi, first time poster. I really would like to have outside point of views.

My family is very religious and lives in A very small village in Pakistan. I have been with the woman of my life for 9 years but... I am also a woman! My family already is not happy that "my friend" is black but if they knew she is my partner they would never ever talk to me again. Lucky I am not in Pakistan because they would have killed me.

My partner's family is super cool and understanding. At first she was super she was super understanding too. I told my family we were roommates, but now we bought a house together, whenever my mom comes over she goes to her parents and I pretend I live alone..

I know it must be horrible for her. But I have no choice. She wants to move forward with our future. I will never tell my parents and siblings. My partner says she waited more than enough. She is OK with me not telling them but wants me to go home instead of my parents coming. She told me she will no longer leave the house. I find that very unfair. It's just a month now and then.

We want to get married, however last night we argued like crazy. Dilemma: Either I visit them or she leaves me.

What do you think. Sorry for any mistakes.

Maybe "Allow" was not the right word, but what I meant is that I will do everything possible to have her stay with me. I don't want to go back to my old life. I find men sexually disgusting. No one here is asking you to change your sexuality, but you seem to be fixated on this aspect only and it tells me that's how you perceive relationship - as a purely sexual relation between two people. Love is something more than that and it seems that your partner wants to be with someone that love her and not just have sex with her. Think about that.

My partner does not have a low self-esteem, she texted me some harsh words "It's me or them. If you love me, meet your mom somewhere else or stop any contact with them. You are the lucky one here, away from your country. We could have the life you want or fck a man in your country. If I leave you, when your visa expires you will have to leave anyway. So marry me or go back home to your beloved family and marry a man.*

She is at the end of the tether and this is an ultimatum. And I can't blame her. So now you need to decide. You can't have it both ways.
And is there some truth in this that you need to marry her before your visa runs out so that's part of the dilemma because it really doesn't sound like you love her at all.....

How cruel is that? Blackmailing me with nationality and stuff. I am understanding she is unhappy but it is not as easy. She can never know what it feels likes, she has the perfect life with perfect mommy and daddy who are happy she is a lesbian, siblings that ask her advice about women. I am in another world when I am with her family and it doesn't feel right

Not the words of someone who loves their DP.

And I have no idea why you keep asking why she suddenly wants to put a stop to being MADE to leave HER HOME for 5 months a year (and you haven't acknowledge people asking if you really meant that your mother comes over 5 times a year for a month when your initial post said a month from time to time).
Surely you must see that she cannot and should not have to leave her home for nearly half the year, every fucking year forever (or until your mother dies). Perhaps she agreed to it at first thinking it would be a month once a year for a couple of years, giving you time to either tell your mother or come up with an alternative.

This has been going on for 10 years. That means this poor woman has been made to leave her home for nearly 5 YEARS.

Absolutely awful and she has way more patience than me as you'd have been long gone.

The culture of your family can be left behind though.

I'm Irish, and the culture in my family is that my mother is always right, that there is one perspective; my mother's. The culture is that I will never be seen, never be heard, never be understood, and that I must respect their right to project all of their inadequacies on to me. I must accept that I'm sensitive and paranoid and I must accept the smear campaign being perpetrated against me in the wider family. That's the ''culture'' in my family. My enmeshed golden boy brother supports this.

But you can just turn your back on it. I'm virtually no contact with my family because I will not let them tell me who I am. They are free to contact me but they don't.

Now, I realise I never had to worry that my uncles or brother would come after me and kill me so I realise that you don't feel that it's as easy.

But all dysfunctional families have a culture. And you're free to step away from it.

When the choices are 1) completely erode yourself or 2) step away then 2 seems the better choice.

The problem is and it's human nature, we all drive ourselves crazy looking for option 1.5 where the familly accepts me for who I am.

That isn't on offer.

When you step away it will be absolutely excruciatingly uncomfortable. But sit with the discomfort. Acknowledge that ''these feelings are incredibly hard for me to bear. I feel extremely anxious knowing how my mother sees me''. Bear it. Tolerate it with the utmost of self-compassion for yourself. Look in to self compassion as a practice. Kirsten Neff Phd and Christopher Germer phd have a really good self-compassion work book which could help get you through telling the truth to your mother and then sitting with the excruciatingly difficult feelings that would follow.

If you don't sit with this truth though, it'll stay with you causing you anxiety forever.

If you confront it, the feelings of anxiety will eventually diminish.

I did have therapy to help me de-enmesh from my family cult. I recommend it. And I haven't endured what you have endured, I was never in any fear of my life.

If she wants to leave you can’t stop her. Your posts show a distinct lack of understanding for the situation she is in and it’s all about you and makes it clear you put your family and culture above her. How do you think that makes her feel?

In fact OP, you're trying to drag her in to your family's cult. She wasn't raised in this cult but you want her to just play along with the rules of your cult.

Sorry to call your family a ''cult'' but what I mean is, it's the psycho rigidity, think THIS WAY. See it THIS WAY. If you don't see it / do it THIS WAY, then you're a problem for me.

You are just spreading your cult outwards.

Oh wow. I am not a "sociopath" or a "narcissistic" person. I would NEVER tell my partner to leave her family. I just found a way to say my true feelings, and that's internet. But never ever will I say that to her in real life. She would tell me to f... off.

It doesn't matter that you'd never say it. The very fact that you are even thinking that way is fucked up. Normal, well adjusted people do not think about ripping their partners away from their loving and supportive families. That's what pretty much every poster on this thread is shouting at you, you think this is normal, you think your position is normal, you think your partner is unreasonable. But it isn't normal in any way, shape or form. It's fucked up and unless you see that your relationship is doomed.

I don't think the OP is a narc or as sociopath. Think she's trauma bonded to her family and totally enmeshed in the family narrative. She will also collude in playing the part written for her.

@OverWorking9to5

The culture of your family can be left behind though.

I'm Irish, and the culture in my family is that my mother is always right, that there is one perspective; my mother's. The culture is that I will never be seen, never be heard, never be understood, and that I must respect their right to project all of their inadequacies on to me. I must accept that I'm sensitive and paranoid and I must accept the smear campaign being perpetrated against me in the wider family. That's the ''culture'' in my family. My enmeshed golden boy brother supports this.

But you can just turn your back on it. I'm virtually no contact with my family because I will not let them tell me who I am. They are free to contact me but they don't.

Now, I realise I never had to worry that my uncles or brother would come after me and kill me so I realise that you don't feel that it's as easy.

But all dysfunctional families have a culture. And you're free to step away from it.

When the choices are 1) completely erode yourself or 2) step away then 2 seems the better choice.

The problem is and it's human nature, we all drive ourselves crazy looking for option 1.5 where the familly accepts me for who I am.

That isn't on offer.

When you step away it will be absolutely excruciatingly uncomfortable. But sit with the discomfort. Acknowledge that ''these feelings are incredibly hard for me to bear. I feel extremely anxious knowing how my mother sees me''. Bear it. Tolerate it with the utmost of self-compassion for yourself. Look in to self compassion as a practice. Kirsten Neff Phd and Christopher Germer phd have a really good self-compassion work book which could help get you through telling the truth to your mother and then sitting with the excruciatingly difficult feelings that would follow.

If you don't sit with this truth though, it'll stay with you causing you anxiety forever.

If you confront it, the feelings of anxiety will eventually diminish.

I did have therapy to help me de-enmesh from my family cult. I recommend it. And I haven't endured what you have endured, I was never in any fear of my life.

I’m quoting @OverWorking9to5’s post OP because you really need to absorb it.

You truly dont understand that her being honest is not her blackmailing you. She’s just telling you the truth. You’re the one who’s been emotionally blackmailing her with your family for years.
If you just can’t see any of this, of how badly you are treating her and how you are making it all about you, I hope she just leaves ASAP.

*When the choices are 1) completely erode yourself or 2) step away then 2 seems the better choice.

The problem is and it's human nature, we all drive ourselves crazy looking for option 1.5 where the familly accepts me for who I am.

That isn't on offer*

From @OverWorking9to5 is absolutely the key to this situation. You have even created a 2.5 confuse my partner into participating in her own abuse from my family.

@Sasani

She can never know what it feels likes, she has the perfect life with perfect mommy and daddy who are happy she is a lesbian, siblings that ask her advice about women. I am in another world when I am with her family and it doesn't feel right.

She doesnt have the perfect life though does she. She has had to adapt to protect the women that she loves.

Through all of this though I ask - why are you with her. There is a lot of anger coming through about her perfect life and how unfair it is and how you find the idea of being with a man disgusting. Nothing really about how much she means to you just anger at her.

Your relationship will not survive that level of anger towards her. I think you also need to think about whether this is working for you and how to let this anger go

If your mother will tell everyone in the family, and your whole family will cut you off for speaking through truth about who you really are, do any of them love you? Really? Or do they love a version of you that doesn't exist. Not you.

Do they want you to be happy or miserable in a way that suits them? Is that caring?

Why is it important to you to maintain relationships with people who don't like you? Not the real you - they don't know her. They know a fake one you show them, you are certain they will reject the real one.

I am in another world when I am with her family and it doesn't feel right.

Surely it should feel right because they are accepting you. Why do you think it doesn't feel right? Why can't you feel happy to have these people in your life?

I had a difficult upbringing due to a mentally ill mother and that has caused all sorts of issues for me throughout my life. I experienced trauma, I had to grow up very fast, I haven't had the same kind of emotional and practical support my friends had. I do often wish I had a 'normal' family like my friends do, but I would never resent them or wish ill on them.

The reality is that some of us get luckier than others when it comes to family. Some of my friends' parents really looked out for me in my teens and made up for some of the inadequate parenting I received. I'm grateful to them and glad they were part of my life, I don't resent them. My DH's family have welcomed me and that is a good thing.

It's an opportunity to build up your family with people who are supportive and caring towards you. Why are you railing against that instead of embracing it?

@oliviastwisted

*When the choices are 1) completely erode yourself or 2) step away then 2 seems the better choice.

The problem is and it's human nature, we all drive ourselves crazy looking for option 1.5 where the familly accepts me for who I am.

That isn't on offer*

From @OverWorking9to5 is absolutely the key to this situation. You have even created a 2.5 confuse my partner into participating in her own abuse from my family.

So true, option 2.5, draw the partner in to the cult and get annoyed with her and make her feel bad when she won't willingly submit to another family's cult narrative!

The power of a dysfunctional family. The ripples outwards.

OP I don't think this going to end well. The two relationships/cultures are fundamentally incompatible at the level you describe.

It's natural for your DP to want the relationship to progress and what she might have accepted a couple of years ago may no longer feel acceptable to her. She will not want to remain hidden and that's understandable.

Your family are never going to accept your relationship or sexuality.

The way I see it is - as your can't get to two to align, you will have to accept the loss of one of them.

There is no way I am allowing her to leave me

This would make people’s blood run cold if you were male, so I don’t see why it should be different because you’re female. You are controlling and abusive.

she has a perfect life

No, she really doesn’t. She’s in an abusive relationship and is only slowly (after many years) finding the strength to stand up to you and imagine a future without your abuse.

I hope she’s on MN, or can get support somewhere else to leave you and rebuild her life

@Sasani you keep repeating the same thing over and again about posters not understanding your culture when plenty (myself included) have made it really clear that we too have been raised in very similar families/ culture. And you’re refusing to engage with any of us. Instead continuing to hide behind this narrative of ‘woe is me’.

Do I feel for you? Yes
Is it fair? No
Do you need to make a choice? Yes
Do I think your partner is being unfair? No
Do I think you are being unfair? Yes

If your family are everything then do what they need you to. Or don’t. But your inate assumption that your partner should understand and be your dirty little secret is just offensive.

Personally I think her text to you is long overdue. And if the side impact is that you lose your nationality as a result? Well that’s on you. There is zero onus on your partner to marry you on the terms you are offering.

OP you say that even if you keep her a secret they will force you to get married to a man. And if you tell them, your life is at risk.

As difficult as it is I don't think you have a choice but to do what your gf suggests which is sell the house and disappear.

I am in another world when I am with her family and it doesn't feel right.

Probably because you don't know what it's like to be in a normal, healthy, family dynamic.

I would have dumped you years ago.

It's terrible sad your family are putting you in this position but there are plenty of choices being made here, all of which are bad for your remarkably understanding partner.

You are currently choosing to maintain a relationship with your mother at the expense of your partner's happiness.

Your mother does not have to tell your make relations, nor does she have to disown you if you tell her.

In fact she doesn't even have to come and stay and so what if she gets suspicious. You are a grown adult and if they can't accept your choices, why would you put yourself out for them so much?

Bottom line - you can't have a relationship with your mum and with this particular partner. No matter how much you stamp your feet and say it's not fair. And it sounds like you're up shit creek if you pick your mum, given the partner's comments about your visa. So don't!

Honestly I think you're delaying the inevitable, which is cutting ties with your family. At the least you need to reduce contact with them. No, it's not fair you were born into a racist and homophobic culture but it's also not fair to make your life partner leave her home for a month at a time.

OP I'm going to do my best to be gentle here.

Sadly, it seems that your family will never accept who you are. You will eventually need to face up to that (horrible) fact - and whether you do that this week, this month, this year, or in the next 10 years, it sounds like that reality is unlikely to change.

It almost doesn't matter that the reason for this is cultural (I mean, haven't we all come across plenty of unpleasant homophobic racists from lots of different cultures?) because it doesn't change the fact that you can't live your life fully around your family.

So whenever you decide to face up to it, it looks like you will have to make the choice between living a lie (and a life that makes you extremely uncomfortable) to placate your family, or stepping away from your family to be with your partner.

I know it must be very difficult to witness the loving and supportive relationship that your partner has with her family when yours is the way it is (not that I think your comments above are excusable). But you have the opportunity to carve out a new family life with a woman who must love you an unreal amount and her extended family who you've said have always been good to you.

But I don't think you can expect your partner to go as you are indefinitely. She has a life to live too, and choices that she is free to make.

You’ve established that your life is not in danger.
It might seem like it’s time to make a choice about who you need to be loyal to, your partner or your parents/ birth family. But really it’s about learning to be loyal to yourself. It’s tough, but it will sustain you in the long run.