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Original poster

Partner not understanding why I can't tell my family about her

502 replies

Sasani · 27/03/2022 15:48

Hi, first time poster. I really would like to have outside point of views.

My family is very religious and lives in A very small village in Pakistan. I have been with the woman of my life for 9 years but... I am also a woman! My family already is not happy that "my friend" is black but if they knew she is my partner they would never ever talk to me again. Lucky I am not in Pakistan because they would have killed me.

My partner's family is super cool and understanding. At first she was super she was super understanding too. I told my family we were roommates, but now we bought a house together, whenever my mom comes over she goes to her parents and I pretend I live alone..

I know it must be horrible for her. But I have no choice. She wants to move forward with our future. I will never tell my parents and siblings. My partner says she waited more than enough. She is OK with me not telling them but wants me to go home instead of my parents coming. She told me she will no longer leave the house. I find that very unfair. It's just a month now and then.

We want to get married, however last night we argued like crazy. Dilemma: Either I visit them or she leaves me.

What do you think. Sorry for any mistakes.

OP posts:
ispepsiokay · 28/03/2022 02:13

You are extremely selfish op (and also childish).

You cannot have a relationship with your mother, if you're going to continue to be your true self, she will never accept who you really are, regardless of the ethnicity of your partner.

Your comments about it being 'unfair' that she can still visit her family are ludicrous, her family have accepted you, she hasn't been afforded the same, there is no reason that she should lose her family.

You need to sit back and look at all she has sacrificed to protect you.

What happens on the months she's not allowed to stay in her own home? Do you still expect her to pay a share of the mortgage/utilities?

SquirrelG · 28/03/2022 02:51

Having read your latest update I agree with the pp that you are extremely selfish (and childish).

Nothing in your posts show any empathy towards the way your gf feels. If you can't choose her over your poisonous family then she would be better off without you, as things won't change. Incidentally, I have a white friend who is married to a man from Pakistan, and his family has accepted her, so not everyone there is as racist as your family.

GiraffesInScarfs · 28/03/2022 02:57

@TulaOfDarkWater

On another note OP, I have an Indian friend who is a lesbian & she’s been married to a gay Indian man for the last 10 years, it works well for both of them as they’ve fulfilled familial expectations but are free to see whomever they want; in fact they cover for each other so maybe something to think about.
That is so sad and pathetic, that at adults would live their lives like this. This is not something to recommend to people.
timeisnotaline · 28/03/2022 03:09

You are selfish. She has put up with this for years - that is selfless. Every time your family turn up you say to her ‘when both my family and you are around I will deny you, move you out of your home and put you second’ so what if you manage to creep around and still have sex with her, should she be fucking grateful for those crumbs? Absolutely fair enough she’s done, I’d have been done a year into the arrangement - it’s been a year, I'm not moving out of my home for you to pretend I don’t exist anymore, you will have to decide what to do re your family or if you’re leaving me. THAT is a typical and fair response and she must love you to have given so much for you. I think you’re thinking that what would be fair is if you BOTH had to give up your families just so you aren’t the only one is mind bogglingly selfish and makes me wonder if you love her at all. Your family are frighteningly dangerously racist and homophobic and their love is conditional. Her family aren’t. Loving partners would be happy for her. If you want a future you have to stop having your family stay and probably give up your mother since you say you can’t tell her and aren’t safe if you do, and aren’t committed enough to lie to her. If you stay the way you are your partner will leave you as she has given enough to the relationship.

Moser85 · 28/03/2022 03:30

You keep saying she knew what she was getting into. That is so simplistic.

She didn't know. She wouldn't have known what it would have felt like when years down the line the situation was the same and the hurt feelings that would go along with it.

If you split up and she met another person who wanted/needed to hide her then the next time around she would know what she was getting into because now she has experienced it, but with you she didn't know fully.

I imagine you bring that argument up constantly with her to try to get her to stick with it and it's unfair.

I also think that when you asked her to move out that first month...if she had said "ok, but I'm not going to be doing this in 5 years or so" then you would have said "No of course not, I wouldn't expect you to, we'll work it out"....It's easy to agree to things with a partner if the future seems far away and you want to be with that person. It's easy to think you are going to be ok with something when it's something you don't really have to worry about in the moment, when you are first falling for a person!

NannyKrampus · 28/03/2022 03:45

Op, you are one of the most selfish people I have come across in a long time. And really unpleasant and somewhat abusive, all the while hiding behind the excuse of your ‘culture’. This is bullshit because you are living a totally western life in France for most of the time by your own admission. Then it seems your culture and background is forgotten and does not bother you in the slightest, until you show off and pretend to be mega successful. The main issue here is that you want all the approval and lie for that. White people would never be excused if they let their parents and family get away with such extreme, blatant racism and homophobia and quite rightly be called out to take a stand and stop being such a coward. You have confirmed several times that your life is not actually in danger where you are. In many ways this is not so different to those with fairly strict orthodox parents. Gay people all over the world had to make that decision to live an honest live and honour their partner, even in the UK and certainly a fair few Irish people I know. You just want to have everything your way and are extremely disloyal to your poor partner. The sheer nerve of you to be actually taken aback that your partner does not want to leave her own home for almost half of the year is utterly shocking. You lack empathy! You condone racism by keeping quiet and denying your partner. If you were a man, you’d have been torn apart here already, although I appreciate the difference in how sexes are treated in Pakistan. As for your spiteful envy about her family, well you haven’t done anything to be a better person in your family!

Moser85 · 28/03/2022 04:26

@Sasani

My long term plan was to reduce her visits to maybe once a year ( due to work reasons) and marry my girlfriend.

I would never ask her to go no contact with her family. She would say no anyway and her family would hate me. They are very nice to me so I wouldn't want them to hate me. Now leaving the country seems like a good idea. But where we'd go she also has family... I find it very unfair, she'd still be able to see her relatives, go back on holidays to see her parents and siblings. I would be easier if we started it all over again without family,the both of us.

Just saw this post. Wow this is one of the most disgusting, most selfish horrible things I have ever read on here.

You don't think it would be fair for her to be able to see her relatives just because you wouldn't be able to see yours!! even though her relatives are fine with the relationship.

Absolutely shocking. YOU DO NOT LOVE THIS WOMAN. That is not love.

If you really loved her you would be happy and relieved that she would still get to see her family even if you didn't get to see yours. You would WANT that for her.

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 28/03/2022 04:53

My sister was in a same sex relationship a number of years ago. Her girlfriends parents "didn't know".

How they didn't know I have no idea because her gf was the most obvious example of a lesbian I have ever seen in my life.

My sister was always introduced as "the housemate". When gf parents came to stay she had to live all of her belongings out of their bedroom so they didn't know that they shared a bedroom. Their pet dog would have to go stay with friends so her parents didn't know they had a dog together.

This wasn't even a cultural thing. The GF was just scared of her parents knowing.

It broke the relationship. And it will break yours too.

BulletTrain · 28/03/2022 05:12

However I think the comment people are referring to have been misunderstood and I interpreted it differently. I read it as someone feeling desperate, expressing an emotional in-the-moment wish that they could just run off together and leave all the stress behind them.

Interpret all you want - OP has gone on to repeat it and say that it would be "unfair" if they moved country, but her partner could see family both there and in France. Clear as day. "Easier" for who, OP? What a mess you have made.

ChoiceMummy · 28/03/2022 06:13

[quote PinaColada123456]**@ChoiceMummy* Faith and cultural background is not the issue. The issue is the OP is forcing her partner out of her own home for ALMOST HALF A YEAR, every* year, for a DECADE. OP has made no sacrifices herself, her partner has made ALL the sacrifices.

That, is why the OP is selfish. The OP is the one who should be leaving the home and meeting her mother (who she appears to live with almost half a year) elsewhere.[/quote]
You're harping on about the same thing and tbh you come across as the bully on here!

Move on. You're adding nothing new.

grapewines · 28/03/2022 06:19

@Sakura7

I find it very unfair, she'd still be able to see her relatives, go back on holidays to see her parents and siblings. I would be easier if we started it all over again without family,the both of us.

Unbelievable.

Easier for who? Certainly not your partner.

It is unfair that you were dealt a bad hand at life regarding your family. But you have to do some work on dealing with that yourself (please get some counselling). Instead you want to spread the misery around and hurt the person you claim to love.

All of this.

I hope the partner finds this thread and finds the strength to leave and live her life openly.

Shoxfordian · 28/03/2022 06:51

You’re not being reasonable now op; you should be happy your partner has a supportive kind family and they could love you and be your family too.

Pandypuff · 28/03/2022 06:56

Her request is very reasonable and you need to not bring your racist family who don't even know about her existence into her home. YABVU.

Pandypuff · 28/03/2022 07:03

Having read your updates, I would fear for my life if I were your partner and given how awful your family sound. I think you should definitely literally move away, cut ties with your family, and change your names for both of your safety. I think you need to appreciate what she's going through by being with you. Having to live as a secret, having her relationship so unstable because of your awful family and your refusal to cut them out of your life despite the fact that you have said they'd physically kill you if they knew who you really are? Dangerous and terrifying situation for her, and you're allowing it by keeping up this fake ingenuine relationship with your family where they don't know anything about you.

Pandypuff · 28/03/2022 07:06

I find it very unfair, she'd still be able to see her relatives, go back on holidays to see her parents and siblings. I would be easier if we started it all over again without family,the both of us.

Hmmm... Because her family aren't murderous psychopaths who might literally murder you both???!!!

ReadyToMoveIt · 28/03/2022 07:26

I find it very unfair, she'd still be able to see her relatives, go back on holidays to see her parents and siblings. I would be easier if we started it all over again without family,the both of us

What an odd outlook you have. Yes she’d still be able to see her family… because they’re supportive and loving.
Why on earth do you want to maintain a relationship with your racist, bigoted family who have the potential to murder you, and who care more about religion than their own daughter?

AgentJohnson · 28/03/2022 08:01

The only thing you get by sitting on the fence is splinters. I think your partner needs to find someone who can be truer to themselves than you can or want to be.

You’ve had it your way for far too long and now have an expectation to keep having it your way. You are between a rock and a very hard place but you do have choices and maybe it’s time you accept that your choices are having a negative impact on your partner and you aren’t the only victim of the situation.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 28/03/2022 08:02

Sorry but your attitude is messed up beyond belief. Your partner is your dirty little secret and you're pissed off that she refuses to assist you in that going forward. Good on her, she should have put her foot down from the start. You've made your family issues her problem rather than sorting it yourself and now she's had enough. And your idea of resolving it, destroy her family too so you both suffer. Fucked up beyond belief.

morbidd · 28/03/2022 08:19

I am reading this thinking to myself 'surely this is a wind up?'

I hope your gf gathers enough strength to walk away from you.

If you truly loved her you would let her go as it's clear you won't pick her over your family.

OverWorking9to5 · 28/03/2022 08:27

Maintaining this connection is exhausting.

Tell your mother the truth qnd accept that she knows the truth.

The problem is that you cannot bear that she judges you for what is true.

You cannot bear her to see you through her distorted lens.

But tolerating that excruciating discomfort is the start of emotional freedom.

If would telll her that you're worried qbout repercussions and have been to the police to let them know their names and addresses

Derbee · 28/03/2022 08:34

This is an appalling way to treat someone that you love. I hope your partner finds the strength to leave, and meet someone who she can have a healthy and fulfilling relationship with, without being treated like a shameful secret. I hope you manage to sort your own issues out, and cut your toxic family off, so that in time you too can have a successful relationship and life without the fear of murder or coercion

GoFishandChips · 28/03/2022 09:06

I find it very unfair, she'd still be able to see her relatives, go back on holidays to see her parents and siblings. I would be easier if we started it all over again without family,the both of us.

What a horrible, horrible thing to wish! If your mother died would you hope that your partner's mother died as well so you could be equally miserable? How would it be possible easier for her not to have family?? Previous poster was right, this is something a sociopath would think.

TulaOfDarkWater · 28/03/2022 09:14

GiraffesInScarfs

TulaOfDarkWater

On another note OP, I have an Indian friend who is a lesbian & she’s been married to a gay Indian man for the last 10 years, it works well for both of them as they’ve fulfilled familial expectations but are free to see whomever they want; in fact they cover for each other so maybe something to think about.

^That is so sad and pathetic, that at adults would live their lives like this. This is not something to recommend to people.^

Oh get off your high horse, it wasn’t so long ago that men and women in the west had to hide their sexualities and enter into lavender marriages (common enough to have a name) or live a lie with an unsuspecting man / woman (Philip Schofield) - in fact I would say this was common enough over here to be within living memory. It’s all very well saying it’s sad / pathetic yet if we condense all of history down into 24hrs the UK only became accepting of homosexuality and interracial relationships about 5 seconds ago so it’s a bit rich to be criticising other cultures.

I’m not saying I agree with it (I don’t) & I’m definitely not supporting the OP’s actions but this sort of thing is more common in certain cultures than people outside of it realise and I’ve seen first hand the anguish this can cause; this shit has been ingrained since birth. The OP knows exactly what she needs to do but let’s be honest, she’s not going to do it so I’m just sharing how a friend dealt with a similar situation and is now able to live her life without the fear of being murdered or raped repeatedly; sad and pathetic it may be to you but it’s a solution that worked for her is not actually hurting anyone (obviously this wouldn’t work for the OP right now but I have a suspicion she will be single shortly).

PriestessofPing · 28/03/2022 09:25

I can understand it seems very unfair to you that she has a loving and supportive family where she is accepted for who she is, compared to your family. However, if you truly love her and like her family why can’t you see that as a positive? You could marry her and have them as your chosen, supportive family. We can’t decide who we are born to but we can choose who we have as family in our lives and it doesn’t have to be blood relatives.

You’re rightly getting a pasting for that comment about it being easier if she didn’t see her family either - I’m assuming you were worked up and upset when you said that and let your resentment and envy of her having an accepting family get the better of you. But if you want to be with this woman and marry her you have to get over that or the jealousy and resentment will severely damage your relationship.

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