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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband keeps leaving for his ex

237 replies

mamaof4xxx · 27/03/2022 07:57

I'm after some advice and moral support here.

I've been with my husband for 2 years now. We were married in under a year. I'd been completely swept off my feet. Infact, I felt like I was floating because I was so happy.
He has a children from previous relationships. His last relationship he was deeply unhappy in, but stayed for the sakes of his child.
Anyway, in the 2 years we've been together he's left me 10 times to go back to his ex. My heart has crumbled each and every time.
Each time he's wanted to come back, he's promised he won't leave me again.... same old story I've been sucked into.
His ex uses their child as a weapon. She's very very manipulative and causes no end of problems when she's not got control over my husband.
He's left at 2 major times been just before our child was born last year, who was premature and in neonatal. He met our child for the first time at a few months old.
Another time on my birthday.
Anyway he's been back home for a few weeks. With the promise of getting professional support to stop his ex playing manipulative and controlling games to get him back there and to not communicate with her unless essential.
Well for the past week he's been communicating with her. He's denying it, but he's using WhatsApp to message. I'm not stupid. I've told him I know where this is heading yet again and he's saying I'm been silly.
He's slowly starting to move belongings from the house, he's keeping his phone on silent and in his pocket at all times.
I've tried so hard to get him to just be honest with me but he won't.
I know he's a victim himself/ but he's making me an even bigger victim.
I'm at a loss on how to even deal with this situation. I'm so tired of hurting, so tired of questioning my own sanity

OP posts:
grossnessewwww · 27/03/2022 13:22

For all your children's sake, get him and her out of your lives.

They don't need that drama. Think of them and end it for good. Block him, block her and move on.

Ellie56 · 27/03/2022 13:30

Just stop putting up with this shit and kick this waste of space out now. Ten times is ten times too many and extremely damaging for your children.

It won't be easy but do it for them.

Sofacouchboredom · 27/03/2022 13:33

I don’t think reinforcing the damage you are doing to your children is unkind. I think it’s just what needs to be said. They are watching his coming and going and his behaviour and normalising it in their young heads. That is just not ok. You are in the driving seat of your life and the lives of your children not this waste of space and not his ex wife (who I imagine is very much needing of the same advice right now).

BrightonBunny · 27/03/2022 13:34

@Lbnc2021

Some women will literally put up with anything to keep a man in their bed. Wtf is wrong with you? Try thinking about your children instead of dick of the week.
I agree with this.

You really need some counselling to stop this kind of shite happening again as it really isn't fair on your poor children.

Thesearmsofmine · 27/03/2022 13:35

You need to get rid of him and start having some respect for yourself and think of your children. I can kind of understand and sympathise you taking him back once but 10 times in 2 years? No.
Do you want the children to grow up thinking this is normal and acceptable in a relationship?

overitall1 · 27/03/2022 13:37

@mamaof4xxx

I know what I need to do. It's just so hard
Harder than being continually dumped? I rarely post it, but FFS grow a pair! You will completely ruin your child's life if this goes on when they can understand. And yes, I was a single parent, and yes, it's hard, but a bloody sight easier than living with a manipulative bastard, I know!
Turningpurple · 27/03/2022 13:37

Is there any need to be so unkind

I apologise. Its obviously awful to point out yoh are putting your children's emotional stability and mental health at risk, that you find it easier to let this carry on that put your kids first.

Is there any need for you to subject your kids to this? Is there any need to be so unkind to your kids?

All the kindness in the world isn't going to sort this.

Fernandina · 27/03/2022 13:46

You are being manipulated and abused. Either by one or other, or indeed both of them.

This has to stop, both for your sanity and the welfare of your dc.

Stravaig · 27/03/2022 13:47

Is there any need to be so unkind

OP, stop whining and blaming everyone but yourself. You have made some appalling decisions which are harming you and your children. Now it's time to step up and clean up the mess you have made. You can do this. You have the power to do this. You can make different choices. Mumsnet can help you - but we won't collude in victimhood or abusive relationships or damage to children.

Original poster
mamaof4xxx · 27/03/2022 13:49

Thank you for those that have given me advice, shown some kind of support.....
Those that seem to think my children mean nothing..... my children mean the world to me! They're the sole reason I'm still here.
My mental health is in tatters, yes, because of this man and what he's put me through. I am trying! Sometimes you're left with no strength whatsoever and that's where I'm at now.
I come on here for some support, not to be reminded of how much I've let me children down. I already know this! I'm living and feeling it! And I am trying.
Part of me wishes I'd not posted now because I infact feel worse for it

OP posts:
L0stinCyberspace · 27/03/2022 13:55

You dont need to understand WHY he is doing X or she is doing Y. Get yourself and your children away from this madness and gaslighting, preserve your sanity and close this chapter of your life. There is no future for you in this apart from suffering.

spacehardware · 27/03/2022 13:55

You wish you hadn't posted, because you've had some straight talking from people who can see this for what it is. He's a terrible person, snd you need to stop kidding yourself

There is support out there if you will accept it. But first he has to go. Get a sexual health check, I hope to god you aren't pregnant again.

HellToTheNope · 27/03/2022 13:56

Until you take responsibility for your own choices, nothing will ever improve for you. After the first time he treated you so terribly, you made the choice to allow all of this nonsense.

Stop playing the victim and get rid of him.

KosherDill · 27/03/2022 13:59

@Bananarama21

It says your a mum of 4 so you met a man and got married quickly when you both had existing kids and he's constantly leaving for his ex. This is not a normal relationship and will have a profound effect on your existing children. For the sake of your existing children leave this man behind.
Exactly.

Focus on your children, not men! My god.

Mxflamingnoravera · 27/03/2022 14:00

Get angry with him, the anger will give you the strength you need to boot him out. It's your only option. And tell someone who can support you and keep you in your anger while you get him out of your life.
Start by blocking and deleting him from your phone. Bag up his stuff. Send one last message to tell him what time his stuff is going out on the street and have your friend there with you at that time. Ask the friend to tell him "she doesn't want to speak to you except via a solicitor". Then get a shit hot solicitor and file for divorce.
You will feel a rush of relief after you've done those things because he cannot hurt you any more.
There are no other options apart from more of the same. Please do it for you and your children, you'll all recover and have a chance to live a live without pain. Please just do it- you cannot carry on like this.

KosherDill · 27/03/2022 14:02

@mamaof4xxx

How do you actually find the strength to break away from someone? I know this situation will never change, I know there's no respect for me, I know I deserve better. I know I badly need to break this cycle but how? It's so hard 😌
Can't you look at all of your children and their needs, and realize you need to put relationships and drama aside, and focus on them?

You chose to bring these people into the world. They deserve all of your efforts. Your "love life" is irrelevant given these more pressing responsibilities.

Get CBT if you can.

WonderfulYou · 27/03/2022 14:03

How do you actually find the strength to break away from someone?

By putting your kids first instead of your vagina.

By deciding that you want to be with someone who loves you and not just when their partner kicks them out.

You talk about the ex like she is the problem. Like it’s you and him against her - no you are the third wheel here.
I bet she doesn’t even know he’s with you half of the time.

Stop making excuses that it’s her fault.
If he wanted to be with you he would be and there’s no way he’d keep breaking up with you.

JollyAndBright · 27/03/2022 14:05

You can’t stop him, you can’t change her
But you can change you.

It’s going to be impossibly hard but you have to end this cycle of bullshit.
The only way this will end is when you put a stop to it and take yourself out of the equation, tell him it’s over and ask him to leave.
Don’t wait for him to leave, just tell him to go, let it be on your terms not his.

He has proved to you that you and your DC are not his priority, he is selfish and is treating you like a doormat.
It won’t change because he knows he can get away with leaving and coming back and you will just accept it like you’ve done so many times before.

You need to end it, for yourself and your DC, none of you deserve this.

NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 27/03/2022 14:05

He is not a victim,you are! Get rid, he's a gaslighting,cheating twat.

hamptonedge · 27/03/2022 14:06

Have some respect for yourself - Lock the door next time he leaves. 😤

Fluffymule · 27/03/2022 14:07

If he wanted to be with you he would be. If he wanted to be there for your child he would be. If he wanted to show you kindness and respect he would do.

This has nothing to do with his ex. He could walk away from the drama and act like a responsible adult at any point. He hasn’t because he doesn’t want to.

I hope you find the clarity and resilience to face the hard facts and to make choices that protect you and your children from carrying on with this toxic and damaging soap opera life you are living right now.

You can’t control him, his ex or anything they choose to do. You can take control of your own life and decide that creating a safe and calm environment for your children is what a responsible and loving parent needs to do as a priority.

Stravaig · 27/03/2022 14:07

OP, you are drowning in emotion. Why don't you pack up his things? That is an action. An action based on a decision. Your decision. Your decision that it is an abusive relationship which is now over. Have you made that decision?

Is there someone trustworthy who can support you in person? Can you call Women's Aid for support?

Clymene · 27/03/2022 14:16

You need to find your power. Your children are your world? Get angry on their behalf if you can't find it in yourself to do it for you. How dare he treat them like this? They deserve so much better and so do you.

This is who he is, not the bloke who gaslit you. He couldn't even be bothered to come and see his very premature baby. He's a fucking pig of a man, a piece of shit who isn't fit to step over your threshold.

Pack the rest of his stuff up and leave it outside.

Do you rent or own? Whose name is the house in? Get practical. Get a lawyer. Get rid of him.

tiredanddangerous · 27/03/2022 14:17

What the hell are you doing op? Give yourself a shake and wake up. This is not what a relationship is supposed to be like. Not to mention the damage this situation must be doing to your children.

gannett · 27/03/2022 14:24

"He left me for his ex" is something that should only ever be in the singular. Not plural, not a pattern, not TEN TIMES IN TWO YEARS - my god, why did you allow that to happen? How many times does it have to happen before the penny drops that this is a shit relationship that needs to be ended? Twenty, thirty?

It's really easy not to get back together with someone. Really easy. Just don't do it.