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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband keeps leaving for his ex

237 replies

mamaof4xxx · 27/03/2022 07:57

I'm after some advice and moral support here.

I've been with my husband for 2 years now. We were married in under a year. I'd been completely swept off my feet. Infact, I felt like I was floating because I was so happy.
He has a children from previous relationships. His last relationship he was deeply unhappy in, but stayed for the sakes of his child.
Anyway, in the 2 years we've been together he's left me 10 times to go back to his ex. My heart has crumbled each and every time.
Each time he's wanted to come back, he's promised he won't leave me again.... same old story I've been sucked into.
His ex uses their child as a weapon. She's very very manipulative and causes no end of problems when she's not got control over my husband.
He's left at 2 major times been just before our child was born last year, who was premature and in neonatal. He met our child for the first time at a few months old.
Another time on my birthday.
Anyway he's been back home for a few weeks. With the promise of getting professional support to stop his ex playing manipulative and controlling games to get him back there and to not communicate with her unless essential.
Well for the past week he's been communicating with her. He's denying it, but he's using WhatsApp to message. I'm not stupid. I've told him I know where this is heading yet again and he's saying I'm been silly.
He's slowly starting to move belongings from the house, he's keeping his phone on silent and in his pocket at all times.
I've tried so hard to get him to just be honest with me but he won't.
I know he's a victim himself/ but he's making me an even bigger victim.
I'm at a loss on how to even deal with this situation. I'm so tired of hurting, so tired of questioning my own sanity

OP posts:
GiraffesInScarfs · 27/03/2022 12:32

Ten times?!?!?

JulesRimetStillGleaming · 27/03/2022 12:32

Would it help you to realise that the whirlwind year where he swept you off your feet wasn't real? This is who he is. He is a man who thinks it's reasonable to be keeping two relationships going at once, messing with two women's emotions and being a bad father to two sets of children.

This is the man you're going to kick out and divorce. The man you married was a fantasy who was love bombing you when he never had any intention of treating you that way for ever.

Turningpurple · 27/03/2022 12:33

And shit the bed! Is your user name right? You are subjecting 3 kids, who aren't his to this shit as well?

Come on op, are you really saying you can't put and end to this, even to just give your kids some stability?

NoWordForFluffy · 27/03/2022 12:36

@ChickenStripper

He has left you 10 times and He's left at 2 major times been just before our child was born last year, who was premature and in neonatal. He met our child for the first time at a few months old

WTF are you thinking?

And it appears she has put three other kids through this as well, given the username. Rushed to marry him and has made not just her life, but theirs, turbulent and unstable.

Think of your kids and stop being a apologise for this loser.

NoWordForFluffy · 27/03/2022 12:36

Apologist ^^.

ProudThrilledHappy · 27/03/2022 12:37

I think this may well be the worst relationship post I have read here on Mumsnet. Please OP, for the sake of your poor child who will grow up watching dad run between two women and treat their mother as though she is worthless, PLEASE let him go and don’t let him back.

Stravaig · 27/03/2022 12:38

OP, stop it. Stop it right now. He is not a victim. You are not a victim. You are a grown woman, a mother with a very young child to care for. He is an infantile man and absent father with two abusive relationships. Pack his belongings, throw him out, change the locks, instigate divorce proceedings and ensure you get full custody. Work with a therapist to restore your boundaries and self-respect. Take responsibility for your past decisions and make healthier choices going forward.

CrowUpNorth · 27/03/2022 12:38

Does he come back to you when she kicks him out?
You can do so so much better OP. You want to love someone for who he actually is and to be loved. I'm sorry, but I can't see any way to get that with this man.

DiscoStusMoonboots · 27/03/2022 12:39

He's a horror. Get rid of him before he has the chance to leave you for an eleventh time.

Handhold, OP - you are not the problem here.

TheChurchOfEli · 27/03/2022 12:41

Christ, I’ve never wanted to slap the sense into someone as much as I do right now.

You say it’s hard but is it any harder than staying and being treated like shit? This constant heartbreak? Your children are being subjected to this too, this is how they will see relationships and think this is normal? Do right by your kids and leave and show them a decent role model ffs.

Spidey66 · 27/03/2022 12:43

It's not often I say LTB.....but in this situation it's the only answer.

I'm all for separated parents having a civil relationship for the sake of the children and could deal with him for instance popping round for his dinner cos its one of the kids' birthday or something but this is taking the pass. When he leaves your for her again (and looks like he will) tell him he can stay there and make arrangements for access to your child. But when he comes to see your child....remind him he's there to see your child and not you!

Kuachui · 27/03/2022 12:46

ita not his ex that's the problem. you were love bombed and now your being taken for a ride.

he married another woman way too soon and is now using both his ex and you

HashtagShitShop · 27/03/2022 12:49

In roughly 24 months he's left you 10 times.

That's like once every other month almost... But cant be as you say he's spent months with her (meeting the baby when months old etc) so must be more frequently.

You can't trust him to be faithful, you can't trust him to tell you the truth, you can't trust him to have your back when the shit hits the fan, you can't trust him to step in and be a parent, you can't trust him to out your child with him first, you can't trust that he would keep contact up as he's "not 'allowed' to have a phone/contact with the child when with her.

What exactly do you get?

Walk away and wash your hands of all of them, don't keep stuck in the middle and allow him to bounce between the two of you. You can't 'protect' him from her and a horrible life with her if that's what you're doing as he keeps choosing to go back. And it is a choice.... Otherwise why cancel the molestation and everything and stop going through legal process to see his children when she clearly can't be trusted.

Stop martyring yourself and your children and messing with their heads. Be the adult, draw the line and step away. You'd be better off emotionally, financially and physically. Let him make the choice if he'd step up to be a father (he's already given you that answer....) and then let your child decide with the facts when they're old enough to handle it if they want to try and facilitate a relationship with him.

You can only protect yourself and your children by removing yourself from the equation.

Original poster
mamaof4xxx · 27/03/2022 13:00

@Turningpurple

And shit the bed! Is your user name right? You are subjecting 3 kids, who aren't his to this shit as well?

Come on op, are you really saying you can't put and end to this, even to just give your kids some stability?

Is there any need to be so unkind
OP posts:
SpringLobelia · 27/03/2022 13:04

That is not unkind. It's straight talking. You need straight talking, because none of this is okay for your children.

Octomore · 27/03/2022 13:05

My situation happened many years ago and fortunately we weren't married, no children, however, over a 2 year period the man I was in love with went back and forth between me and his ex (also mother of his children). It's utterly heart wrenching when you just know what's about to happen, you have no control because sadly this man is enjoying the flexibility of having you both.

You are feeding a false narrative here. The OP absolutely does have control in this situation. She can control whether she lets this man waltz in and out of her life - just like you could control that too.

All of the people involved here are adults - they have agency, and choices, and control over whether they choose to accept the situation. They are not passive victims, and feeding the narrative that they are is really unhelpful.

GingerFigs · 27/03/2022 13:06

Stop being a doormat. Stop saying "oh but it's too hard". He is treating you and your children terribly and you know it and yet you are enabling it. You've let him back 10 times?? I mean is this even real?!

When your children are older what would you say to them in this situation? You'd tell them to kick the twat out. So do it. You will be much better off without him. At the moment you are showing your children that no one deserves respect. Get a grip. Throw his stuff out and change the locks. Don't contact him and ask that he goes through the courts to arrange suitable access to his children. And stop arguing about him messaging on WhatsApp as that is completely irrelevant when you look at the bigger picture!!

Octomore · 27/03/2022 13:08

OP - it's not unkind to point out that, if your username if true, you have let this man not just fuck you about, but also fuck your 4 children about. It's factual. Blunt, but factual.

Your head is in the sand and you are still heavily buying into the bullshit this guy has spun you, so bluntness appears to be what is needed here.

SpringLobelia · 27/03/2022 13:11

Also you need to ask what the legacy for your children will be. Having a mother who is a doormat and prioritises an abuser and an abusive dysfunctional frankly fucked up relationship, or a mother who has boundaries and has respect for herself and her children.

get out now before you are posting about the same thing in 1 year - 3 years - 10 years - plus.

NewtoHolland · 27/03/2022 13:11

You can seek support from domestic abuse charities. This constant chaos must be such a headache for you and your kids.
Just push forwards and forget him..you aren't going to make him agree with you or see sense...I really doubt you are going to get that closure with him...but you can give yourself.and the kids closure by saying no. This isn't good enough for any of us.
Why not take charge and ask him to leave this time.
Work with a DA charity and seek support.for the kids too...school.cpinselling or any emotional support you can. Sit them down and apologise for how life has been for the last two years. Make a fresh start...and take a complet break from romantic relationships for a couple of years while you build a life outside of relationships and build yourself up and recover and learn about boundaries and healthy relationships with courses and support.
She's obv difficult but he is just as much a part of the problem because he has gone back 10times. 10 times.

Octomore · 27/03/2022 13:12

This kind of "Oh, its so complicated and dramatic, and hes such a victim of his evil ex, but I love him and it's impossible to do anything to change it" stuff is boring when it gets spouted by teenagers.

From the mouth of an adult mother of 4 children, it's way beyond boring - it's delusional and pathetic. This isn't true love. You aren't meant to be together. He's just a piece of shit who's found a very gullible shag partner.

TabithaTittlemouse · 27/03/2022 13:15

He’s a victim? Of what, his own dick?
Poor man going wherever his dick takes him.

Stop allowing yourself to be treated like this! The only way it stops is by you not playing anymore.
You don’t need to argue, you just need to stop letting him back (or get a cat flap).

Put your children first.

Lbnc2021 · 27/03/2022 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

grapewines · 27/03/2022 13:17

You seem to need some bluntness. Being kind won't wake you up. He's a shit man, but you're letting him do it. What do you want people to say? Women on here will stick up for children.

lunar1 · 27/03/2022 13:20

His ex is probably being gaslit just as you are. It wort be long until you are another crazy mother of one of his children.

You have 4 children to think of, protect them from this mess.

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